King Of The Hill
Season 1 |
| 1. Pilot |
| gs: |
A social worker mistakenly believes that Hank is physically abusing his son. Hank Hill, his wife, Peggy, and son, Bobby, drive to a Little League baseball game. Along the way, Hank gives his son a pep talk, emphasizing the importance of winning. As the game gets under way, Bobby, who shows little athletic prowess, manages to get on first base. But he becomes distracted when his father offers coaching advice from the bleachers. A ball roars down the first base line and strikes Bobby in the face, leaving him with a black eye. After the game, Bobby accompanies Hank to the local department store. Two older women spot the pair from twenty yards away. Hank throws a temper tantrum when he is unable to find the hardware department, and the elderly women erroneously conclude that Bobby is being abused. Word spreads throughout the community, and eventually, a social worker named Anthony Page is dispatched to investigate the incident. Page arrives at the Hill home just as Hank erupts in a temper tantrum (after banging his head on the hood of his car). But Peggy assures Page that her husband is as gentle as a lamb. Later, Hank tells the social worker that his son received the black eye during a baseball game. He also emphatically denies ever hitting his son. But Page remains unconvinced, and begins interviewing neighbors and friends of the family, hoping to uncover the "truth." Hank finally loses his patience and kicks the social worker off his property. Back at the Child Protective Services Office, the social worker discusses his findings with the case manager. He is later removed from the investigation. Bobby tells Hank that if he continues to lose his temper, the government will take him away. The boy then intercepts a phone call from the Protective Services Office, in which a social worker apologizes for the misunderstanding. Unaware that he is no longer under investigation, Hank heeds Bobby's warning and attempts to control his temper no matter how much his son misbehaves. Eventually, Peggy learns that the investigation was halted a week earlier and that Bobby deliberately neglected to tell anyone the truth. Later, Hank tells Bobby, in his own unique way, how much he loves him. |
b: 12-Jan-1997 pc: 4E01 w: Mike Judge and Greg Daniels d: Wesley Archer |
| 2. Square Peg |
| gs: |
Peggy is chosen to teach a Sex Ed class. Bobby returns home from school with a permission slip. Hank explodes with anger when he realizes the school is seeking permission to send his son to a Sex Ed class. He and Peggy agree that "the birds and the bees" should be taught at home. But Hank quickly nominates Peggy, who was recently voted Substitute Teacher of the Year, to do the honors. With great trepidation, Peggy approaches her son and broaches the subject of sex. When Bobby mentions the word "penis," Peggy goes blank and leaves the room. Left with little choice, Hank decides he will teach his son the same way his own father instructed him: by watching animals mate at a local dairy farm. But Hank is horrified to realize that, through a miracle of modern technology, cows are inseminated by machine. Hank and Peggy have a change of heart and decide the topic is best left in the hands of professionals. But when the high school's Sex Ed teacher resigns after Hank's friend Dale phones in an anonymous death threat, Peggy is drafted to teach the class. Peggy prepares for the job by reading a variety of books on the subject. Word of her new position spreads quickly, and the entire family becomes the target of derogatory remarks. The perceived "dirtiness" of Peggy's task even affects her love life, as Hank recoils after she suggests they have sex. While preparing for the class, Peggy musters the courage to blurt out the word "vagina." Fed up, Hank tells his wife he will not sign the permission slip (which requires both parent's signatures). Hank takes Bobby to work with him on the day his wife is scheduled to teach the Sex Ed class. While discussing the touchy subject matter with his son, Hank defends Peggy's use of words describing the human anatomy and suddenly realizes how courageous his wife truly is. He brings Bobby to school and allows him to attend the Sex Ed class. Meanwhile, Peggy, nervous and tentative, enters the classroom and addresses the students. |
b: 19-Jan-1997 pc: 4E02 w: Joe Stillman d: Gary McCarver |
| 3. The Order of the Straight Arrow |
| gs: |
Hank and his friends take Bobby's scout troop on a rite of passage journey in the wilderness. Hank, Boomhauer, Bill and Dale decide to take Bobby's scout troop, the Order of the Straight Arrow, into the wilderness in an effort to "make men out of them." The foursome, who were members of the same scout group when they were children, approach John Redcorn for "Indian stuff" for an initiation ceremony. Redcorn tells them of a ritual involving the sacred Wematanye. The men love the idea and decide they will use it. Later, Hank and his friends load Bobby, Joseph and Randy into their cars and begin the journey. The moment her family leaves, Peggy hops in Hank's pickup truck and heads out for points unknown. As the journey continues, Hank tires of the boys' incessant talking. He orders a twenty-four hour oath of silence, using Slim Jims as "silence sticks." Unfortunately, Bobby forgets he is to remain silent throughout the test, and his Slim Jim is nibbled away to almost nothing. Concerned, Hank warns his son that he will not make Straight Arrow if he loses one more bite of Slim Jim. The group pulls into a campground populated by environmental activists led by a woman named Mona. That night, Hank and his friends gather the boys around a campfire. Hank tells the boys of the spirit Wematanye, and how it respects all of God's creatures. As a final test, Hank sends the boys out into the wilderness to hunt down the dreaded snipe (a fictitious creature). Taking the assignment very seriously, Bobby accidentally wallops a Whooping Crane, a rare and protected bird on the endangered species list. Hank hides the animal's carcass inside a beer cooler. Afterward, Joseph tells Bobby that his father invented the story about the snipe. But Bobby maintains his father is the Arrow leader, and would never lie. In the morning, a park ranger enters the campground. He explains that a Whooping Crane tagged with a transmitter has disappeared. Hank covers as best he can and the ranger leaves the camp. Meanwhile, Peggy meets up with Brock, a handsome Texan...and owner of a shoe store for the "largefooted lady." Peggy purchases Italian loafers. Back at the camp, Hank assembles the boys and speedily drives towards the park exit. As the ranger closes in, Hank makes a desperate attempt to bury the crane. But before he does, Hank admits to Bobby that he lied about the snipe hunt, explaining it is part of the experience of becoming a scout. Suddenly, the ranger arrives. As he prepares to arrest the group for killing an endangered species, the bird suddenly springs to life. Realizing that the bird was only knocked unconscious, the ranger lets everyone go. |
b: 02-Feb-1997 pc: 4E03 w: Cheryl Holliday d: Klay Hall |
NOTE: This episode reveals that Hank has always wanted to be a propane salesman...if his grades were good enough. |
| 4. Hank's Got the Willies |
| gs: |
Bobby attempts to make amends after he accidentally wallops Hank's idol, Willie Nelson, in the head with a golf club. Hank catches Bobby furiously windmilling his beloved Guild guitar, "Betsy." Bobby explains that he was playing the instrument with a piece of cheese, like his favorite comedian, Celery Head. After examining the guitar, Hank realizes his son chipped Betsy's bridge. The next day, Bobby crashes Hank's lawn mower into the front of his truck. Shortly thereafter, the boy uses Hank's pitching wedge to hit clumps of dog excrement. When Hank tells his wife that their son seems bent on destroying everything he owns, Peggy suggests he take Bobby golfing. At first, Hank dismisses the idea outright. But when Bobby tells his father that his two heroes are Gameboy champ Eddie Stillson, and Howard Adderly, the father of bizarre worm-child Jason Adderly, Hank decides he needs to take his son golfing immediately. Before he takes his son golfing, Hank drives Betsy to a local guitar shop. Along the way, Hank tries to think of a suitable hero for Bobby. Hank tells his son that his own idol has always been Willie Nelson, as he was born in Texas, plays the guitar, and loves to golf. After dropping Betsy off for repairs, Hank joins Dale, Bill and Boomhauer for a game of golf. Bobby pulls his father's club from a bag and chips a ball right into a cup. Impressed, Hank allows Bobby to tee-off on the next hole. Bobby takes a mighty swing...and lets go of the club, which gracefully tumbles through the air until it strikes another golfer in the head. The foursome rush to the hapless victim's side, only to discover the man is none other than Hank's hero, Willie Nelson. After apologizing for the accident, Hank asks Nelson for his autograph. Nelson takes a pencil in hand, but still suffering from his injury, he slumps forward into the steering wheel of his golf cart, leaving a signature that is nothing more than a straight line. Before Hank has a chance to tell Willie that he is his hero, the singer's cart picks up speed and races down a hill. Convinced he cost his father the opportunity of a lifetime, Bobby rides his bicycle (with a guitar case strapped to the handlebars) to Willie Nelson's mansion (now property of the United States Government). He finds Nelson playing Gameboy in a nearby trailer. Bobby phones his father with news that Nelson has invited him to a barbecue party. When Hank arrives, he finds the singer strumming Betsy. Willie flips the guitar around and shows Hank that he autographed the instrument (the signature is identical to the straight line autograph from the golf course). Hank telephones his wife and invites her over to the barbecue. When she arrives, Peggy meets Dennis Hopper, who begins to flirt. Furious at Hank for showing the guitar so much attention, Peggy stomps towards her husband. But she melts when she hears Hank singing a song about how much he loves her. |
b: 09-Feb-1997 pc: 4E05 w: Paul Lieberstein d: Pat Shinagawa |
| 5. Luanne's Saga |
| gs: |
Hank promises to find Luanne a new boyfriend in 48 hours. When Hank complains about Luanne's belongings cluttering his den, Luanne assures him that she will soon be living with her boyfriend, Buckley. Later that day, Buckley drives his motorcycle to the Hill residence and picks up Luanne. The couple drives thirty yards away when the bike stops and Luanne gets off. When Luanne returns home, sobbing, it becomes clear she broke up with Buckley. Hank grows concerned when Peggy is unable to "fix" Luanne's dilemma. Peggy tells her husband it will help if he tells Luanne how pretty she looks. Unfortunately, Hank approaches Luanne after she has been crying. Furious, Luanne snaps at him, screaming that she was dumped by her boyfriend. When Luanne continues crying, Hank convinces her that it is all right to swallow her emotions. He then promises to help her find a new man in 48 hours. When Hank and Luanne begin to bond, Peggy chastises her husband for meddling with a natural process. Hank responds by telling his wife how pretty she looks, and Peggy melts completely. Hank, Peggy, Luanne, Bill, Boomhauer and Dale drive to Ugly's Saloon. Determined to keep his word about finding Luanne a boyfriend, and equally determined to keep his wife in the dark about his motives, Hank tells his friends to search the bar for a potential suitor. In an attempt to keep his wife distracted, Hank asks Bill to dance with Peggy. After passing over several men, Hank notices a flash of light emanating from a shiny belt buckle. The wearer of the belt, Wade, an all-American-looking 20-year-old, passes muster with Hank. Shortly thereafter, Hank tells Luanne to introduce herself. Hank and Peggy return home. When Buckley returns looking to patch things up with Luanne, Hank sends him away. Later that night, Luanne returns home with Boomhauer, her new beau. Hank is horrified. When Hank sees Luanne giving Boomhauer a peck on the cheek, he storms up to the couple. Luanne explains how, the moment Hank left the saloon, Wade turned into "Mr. Grabby Sam." Hank forbids Luanne from dating Boomhauer, noting that he is her landlord. Out of spite, Luanne counters she will stay at Boomhauer's home. Despite Boomhauer's objections, Luanne moves in. Realizing how much Luanne and Hank genuinely like one another, Peggy arranges for the pair to "accidentally" show up at Luby's restaurant at the same time. Still angered, Hank tells Luanne to stop by the house and pick up her belongings. The next day, when Luanne shows up at the house, she finds her belongings unpacked and spread out neatly in the den. Hank admits how much better he likes the room. Realizing she's being allowed to stay at the house, Luanne tells Hank how much she loves him. |
b: 16-Feb-1997 pc: 4E04 w: Paul Lieberstein d: Pat Shinagawa |
| 6. Hank's Unmentionable Problem |
| gs: |
Hank is greatly embarrassed when word of his irregularity spreads throughout the community. Peggy notices her husband exit the bathroom without flushing the toilet. Hank assures her it was unnecessary since "nothing happened." Concerned, Peggy fixes Hank a glass of Megamucil, an all-natural laxative. Being a manly Texan, he refuses to heed her advice and her bran muffins opting for sausages instead. Peggy tells Nancy about her husband's constipation. Soon after, word spreads throughout the town, and well-wishers stop by the house with tips on how to become regular once again, causing Hank great embarrassment. As time passes, Peggy grows more and more concerned. She tries sneaking melted chocolate laxative onto Hank's ice cream, but the scheme fails. Peggy experiences a nightmare in which Hank dies from his irregularity. Hysterical, Peggy rushes to her husband and begs him not to die. Moved, Hank promises to see a doctor. With great embarrassment, Hank keeps his promise. Assisted by Tasha, a beautiful medical student, Dr. Morley inserts a sigmoidoscope, a wandlike camera device, into Hank's backside for a view of his colon. When the procedure proves inconclusive, Dr. Morley tells Hank that his "low fat, high fiber diet" isn't effective. Peggy insists the diet simply needs more time to work. To be on the safe side, Morley books an operating room. He tells Hank that, unless his condition improves, his colon will have to be removed by the end of the week. When Peggy catches her husband frying a cheeseburger, she drives him to a local health food store. But Hank shows little enthusiasm for tofu dogs. Growing increasingly desperate, Hank tries everything from bacon grease to acupuncture needles but they, too, fail. While chatting with Nancy, Peggy realizes her husband's new diet and lifestyle is making him miserable. A short time later, Hank tells his wife that he'd rather "die with a burger in my colon" than spend the rest of his life eating tofu. Surprisingly, Peggy agrees and tells Hank how much she loves him. Tears in his eyes, Hank tells his wife how lucky he is to have her in his life. Suddenly, a strange look passes over Hank's face. He races to the bathroom, and after a simple flush echoes through the hallways, Hank flings open the door, standing heroically. Peggy and Bobby rush to his side. |
b: 23-Feb-1997 pc: 4E07 w: Mike Judge and Greg Daniels d: Adam Kuhlman |
| 7. Westie Side Story |
Hank mistakenly believes that his new Laotian neighbors use dog meat to make their delicious barbecued hamburgers. A large moving truck pulls into the driveway of a home next door to the Hill residence. A strapping, all-American father and his teenage son hop out of the vehicle, drawing words of approval from Hank and his friends. But the man explains he was hired to move the belongings of another family, and points to a minivan as it pulls into the driveway. When a Laotian family, the Souphanousinphones, steps out, Hank's jaw drops in disbelief. Telling his buddies that "a neighbor's a neighbor," Hank walks next door and introduces himself. He meets Kahn Souphanousinphone, his wife, Minh, and their daughter, Kahn, Jr. (Connie). Kahn Sr. explains that he and his family moved from Laos to California, where they lived for twenty years. Peggy invites the family to her home for dinner. For dessert, Peg serves up her Brown Betty, the recipe for which is a closely guarded family secret. As the Souphanousinphones leave the house, Minh makes a remark regarding Peggy's large feet. The next day, Hank discovers his dog, Ladybird, being mounted by Kahn's West Highland Terrier, Doggie. Hank tells Kahn his dog should be "breeding with her own kind," prompting Kahn to call Hank a "narrow-minded redneck." Minh apologizes to Peggy for getting off to a bad start during dinner. She invites the Hills to join her family for a barbecue. Peggy accepts the offer. During the meal, Minh serves up Peggy's Brown Betty with an added dash of nutmeg. Peggy is furious that Minh was able to figure out the recipe. Meanwhile, Bobby and Kahn, Jr. give chase when Doggie runs off into the neighborhood. Relations between Hank and Kahn thaw the moment Hank takes a bite of Kahn's barbecued hamburger. Hank calls it "the best damn burger I ever ate." Dale, however, abstains from tasting the burger, noting the Westie's empty leash lying on the ground. Refusing to believe his neighbors would cook dog, Hank does some investigating on his own. After overhearing, and misconstruing, a conversation between Minh and the dog pound, Hank concludes the burger was made of Doggie. Meanwhile, Bobby and Connie unleash Ladybird, hoping she will lead them to the missing Doggie. When Hank discovers Ladybird's leash swinging in the breeze, he mistakenly concludes that his neighbors are using her to make hamburger. Hank bangs on the Souphanousinphones' front door, demanding the return of his dog. Kahn threatens Hank with a baseball bat, but before the argument escalates, the two children race to the home and explain that they are responsible for the missing pets. Angered, both men send their children to their respective rooms without dessert. Noting how they punish their offspring the same way, Hank and Kahn patch up their differences. |
b: 02-Mar-1997 pc: 4E06 w: Jonathan Aibel and Glenn Berger d: Brian Sheesley |
NOTE: First appearance of Khan, Minh, and Connie Souphanousinphone. |
| 8. Shins of the Father |
Much to Peggy's dismay, Hank's sexist father drops by to celebrate Bobby's birthday. Leafing through the mail, Hank notices that Bobby's birthday invitation to Grandpa Cotton was returned. He then realizes that Bobby wrote "Hell, USA" as the mailing address. Bobby explains that Peggy told him Cotton was the devil. The boy then recites a list of things he dislikes about his grandfather: his big plastic teeth, his incessant screaming, and his lack of shins. Hank explains that Cotton lost his shins "defending Texas in World War II." Bobby telephones his grandfather and invites him to the celebration. The day of the party, a Cadillac pulls into the driveway, a horse trailer in tow. The trailer's ramp is kicked open from the inside, and Cotton rides the horse into the Hill's backyard. Eyes shining, and assuming the animal is a gift, Bobby tells his grandfather how much he loves the horse. But Cotton explains the horse is being rented for only a few hours. Later, he gives Bobby his real present: a 20-gauge shotgun. Outraged, Peggy snatches the weapon from his hands. When Bobby is unable to break open his birthday pinata, Cotton blows it apart with the gun. Peggy asks Cotton to leave the house after he smashes her good dishes. But when the old man attempts to start his car, the engine fails to turn over. Luanne diagnoses the problem as a solenoid plunger. Peggy tells Hank she wants the "ill-tempered, foul-mouthed old man" out of her house. But Hank tells his father he is welcome to stay. Cotton takes Bobby to a local bar, where he harasses waitresses with sexist remarks. Meanwhile, Peggy finds the missing solenoid plunger hidden in a pair of Cotton's pants. She tells Hank that his father deliberately removed the part so he could stay at the house. Events turn even uglier when Cotton's sexist remarks begin influencing Bobby's behavior. Bobby tells his mother to get his dinner and punctuates his point by slapping her on the rear-end. Hank admonishes Bobby for hitting his mother. He then attempts to tell his father why his behavior around Bobby is inappropriate. But before Hank has a chance to speak, his father reiterates the tale of how he lost his shins in World War II. After listening in awe to the patriotic story, Hank decides to drop the idea entirely. But when Bobby is sent home from school for starting a "sexist riot," Hank decides his father has gone too far. He tells Cotton he won't let his son grow up to be a "woman-hating old fool" and orders him out of the house. |
b: 23-Mar-1997 pc: 4E08 w: Alan Cohen and Alan Freedland d: Martin Archer |
| 9. Peggy the Boggle Champ |
| gs: |
Hank must choose between attending the Dallas Mower Expo or coaching his wife at the state Boggle championships. Peggy, Minh, Luanne and Nancy play a Scrabble-like game in the Hill dining room. When Peggy easily beats her opponents, Nancy suggests she sign up for the Boggle tournament at the Elks club. Meanwhile, Hank, Dale, Bill and Boomhauer are mesmerized when a television commercial announces the Ninth Annual Dallas Mower Expo. Peggy enters the Elks club competition and, after easily breezing past the other players, wins a coveted trophy. But to Peggy, the biggest honor is getting to represent Arlen in the state Boggle championships. Hank agrees to act as his wife's coach after he learns it takes place in Dallas the very same weekend as the Mower Expo. He tells his friends that the Boggle tournament will keep Peggy busy while they sneak off for some real fun. Peggy and Hank say goodbye to Bobby and Luanne and head off for Dallas. Despite their best intentions, and their promise not to throw any parties, Bobby and Luanne accidentally ruin the family coffee table, drip varnish on the carpet, and scorch a section of wall. Meanwhile, Peggy is introduced to Cissy Cobb, Boggle champion of Dallas for seven non-consecutive years. Cissy easily intimidates Peggy by criticizing a jacket given to her by the Arlen Boggle Boosters. Shortly before the tournament begins, Hank tells his wife about the Mower Expo. Peggy makes an impassioned plea for Hank not to run off in her hour of need. He agrees to stay and act as her coach. When the tournament begins, Peggy gets off to a shaky start, and Cissy Cobb takes a commanding lead. Peggy is ranked 255 out of 256...one step ahead of a Boggle-playing chicken. But she valiantly continues to play. Meanwhile, Hank's buddies show up at the tournament. At first, Hank chooses to help coach his wife. But some sharp words from Dale and the others change his mind, and the men head for the Mower Expo. Slowly but surely, Peggy regains her confidence and rises through the ranks until she makes it into the finals. She is horrified, however, when she realizes her opponent is none other than Cissy Cobb. Hank realizes he cannot enjoy himself at the expo knowing his wife needs him. He races back to the Boggle tournament just in time to give his wife the extra boost she needs. Brimming with confidence, Peggy beats Cissy and is declared the new Texas State Boggle Champion. |
b: 13-Apr-1997 pc: 4E10 w: Jonathan Aibel and Glenn Berger d: Chuck Sheets |
| 10. Keeping Up With Our Joneses |
Hank's attempt to make Bobby dislike smoking backfires, leaving the entire family hooked on cigarettes. Luanne is outraged when she discovers Ladybird eating her "cruelty-free" cosmetics. Later, while digging through an old dumpster, Bobby and Joseph come across an unsmoked cigarette. The boys sneak into a men's room at a gas station and light up. As luck would have it, Hank stops at the same station to use the bathroom. He pushes open the door and sees his son with a cigarette in his mouth. Determined to stop his son from becoming addicted, Hank forces Bobby to smoke an entire carton (thinking he won't be able to stand the sight of another cigarette when he is finished). As Bobby lights up, Hank grabs a cigarette away to show his boy how to inhale properly. As Hank takes a drag, a look of remembrance and relaxation washes over his face. By the end of the day, both Hank and his son are hopelessly addicted. When Luanne catches Ladybird sniffing a makeup tin, she rattles a canister of pennies, scaring her off. Meanwhile, after sneaking cigarette after cigarette, Hank absentmindedly lights up in front of Peggy. Hank claims Bobby didn't finish a pack from the carton and insists he would hate to see them go to waste. Shortly thereafter, Hank and his wife go back to smoking cigarettes and feeling better than ever. Meanwhile, Bobby tricks a militant group of anti-smoking teenagers into allowing him to buy a pack from a bodega that sells cigarettes to teenagers. Despite everyone's best efforts, Bobby discovers that his parents are addicted to smoking and vice versa. The Hills attend a Cigarenders meeting, but Hank quickly grows irritable and storms out with his family in tow. When they return home, Luanne attempts to make the Hills kick the habit by employing the same methods she used to keep Ladybird away from her cosmetics. When the family gets into a scuffle over a last remaining cigarette, Luanne locks them in a room together. The scuffle continues until Peggy, regaining her senses, throws the cigarette out a window. Despite experiencing a powerful nicotine withdrawal, the family makes it through a storm-filled night without smoking any cigarettes. |
b: 27-Apr-1997 pc: 4E09 w: Jonathan Collier and Joe Stillman d: John Rice |
| 11. King of the Ant Hill |
Hank's expensive new lawn is overrun by fire ants. Hank primps his lawn for an upcoming Cinco de Mayo block party. His ego is bruised when Kahn notes that his lawn is fuller and richer. Hank realizes his lawn does indeed pale in comparison...but can't pinpoint the problem. Shortly thereafter, Dale stops by the house and asks if he can spray the grass with pesticide (in an effort to keep fire ants away from the property). Hank approves the idea. But when Peggy hints that the lawn may be lagging from all the poisonous chemicals being sprayed on it, Hank has a change of heart. He instructs a crestfallen Dale not to touch his lawn ever again. Later, Hank stops by a nursery and falls in love with an especially lush patch of Raleigh Saint Augustine sod. Despite its enormous expense, Hank resods his entire lawn using the luxurious grass. But unbeknownst to him, Dale sabotages his efforts by deliberately dropping a clump of fire ants onto his property. As the days grow closer to Cinco de Mayo, Hank notices an ant hill on his new lawn. Panicking, Hank uses a variety of methods in an attempt to destroy the insects, but his efforts are hampered by Dale's secret meddling. Meanwhile, Bobby falls victim to the Queen ant's hypnotic demands. Hank comes to regret firing Dale. He approaches his neighbor and apologizes for valuing his lawn more than their friendship. Ever grateful, Dale pumps massive amounts of insecticide onto Hank's lawn. The next morning, Hank discovers his lawn has been turned into a dirt landscape as barren as the surface of the moon. His life shattered, Hank vows to cover his lawn with woodchips and gravel. Meanwhile, Peggy enters the Gribble's basement to retrieve some sugar for Nancy. When she descends into the eerie, poorly lit room, she comes upon a model of the Hill home, with miniature ant mounds surrounding the property. She realizes Dale deliberately introduced the ants to her husband's new sod. Under the hypnotic control of the Queen, Bobby releases some captured ants to a mound on the lawn. The ants communicate with one another, then suddenly swarm Bobby. Hank is outraged when Peggy tells him the truth about Dale. He rushes to his neighbor's home, intending to do him bodily harm. But before Hank makes good on his threats, Bobby calls out for help. The men turn around, only to see Bobby completely covered with fire ants. In an act of self-sacrifice, Dale clasps the boy's hand, and the fire ants crawl onto his body. Dale collapses on the ground as he is stung over and over by the insects. When Dale finally stops moving, the ants crawl off his body. Later, revelers show up at the Hill home holding lush green squares of lawn grass sod/Cinco de Mayo gifts for their neighbor. Hank is overcome with emotion. |
b: 04-May-1997 pc: 4E13 w: Johnny Hardwick and Paul Lieberstein d: Gary McCarver |
| 12. Plastic White Female |
| gs: |
Hank and Peggy jump to conclusions when they discover Bobby using one of Luanne's plastic beautician school heads to practice interacting with girls. Joseph invites Bobby to his upcoming boy-girl party. But Bobby soon realizes he is intimidated by most of the girls at school and lacks the courage and social skills needed to approach them. He tells his father he is not going to attend the party because he doesn't like girls. Hank's face begins to twitch at the implication. Later, Luanne brings home a beautician school practice head that she will need for her final exam. Bobby is instantly drawn to the head, and stares at it with rapt wonder. Late that night, he sneaks out of the house and up to Luanne's window, where he again stares with enchantment at the beautiful plastic head. When Hank, Peggy and Luanne leave the house the next day, Bobby retrieves the head. Practicing in secret, he uses the dummy head in lieu of a real girl, asking it if it would like to dance, etc. Meanwhile, Hank does his best to avoid Luanne, who would like to practice for her upcoming exam by cutting his hair. Bobby practices with the dummy head for so long that he grows comfortable with the idea of attending the party. Hank and Peggy conclude their boy is perfectly normal after all. But when Peggy catches Bobby playing Spin the Bottle with the head, she shrieks in horror. White as a ghost, Peggy tells Hank she walked in on their son as he was kissing the dummy head. She suggests the family move to Berlin, as the Germans are more tolerant towards freakish people. Bobby tells his father he has no intention of marrying a plastic head. Convinced his boy is using the head as a crutch, Hank locks it in his liquor cabinet. When Hank catches Bobby breaking into the cabinet, he snatches the head from his son's hands, and as Luanne watches, horrified, saws it in two with a spinning sawtoothed blade. Left with little choice, Luanne uses Hank (in place of the plastic head) for her final exam at the beautician academy. Her instructor, Miss Kremzer, examines Hank's haircut and assigns her an "F." But after overhearing Hank's glowing comments about his haircut, calling it his "all-time favorite," Kremzer gives Luanne a passing grade. Later, before the party, Bobby and Connie decide to practice kissing one another. When Bobby plays Spin the Bottle at Joseph's party, the bottle points to Dale's wife, Nancy. Bobby grits his teeth and lunges for Nancy. |
b: 11-May-1997 pc: 4E11 w: David Zuckerman d: Jeff Myers |
NOTE: "KOTH" ends its first season a smash hit and a critical darling. It marks the first time that a new show that aired directly after "The Simpsons" would be renewed for the next season, following memorable but short-lived shows like "Drexell's Class" and "The Critic." |
|
Season 2 |
| 13. How to Fire a Rifle Without Really Trying |
| gs: |
When Bobby discovers a talent for target shooting, Hank discovers that an experience from his own childhood is affecting his aim. Hank takes his son to the state fair, where Bobby shows little talent for winning prizes at any of the game booths. But everything changes when Bobby discovers a knack for downing mechanical ducks with a BB gun. Hank has never been so proud of his son. Despite Peg's initial objections, he takes Bobby to the local Mega Lo Mart and purchases an expensive rifle. The pair travel to a clubhouse shooting range, where Bobby again displays expert marksmanship. While watching the boy take target practice, Hank learns of an upcoming father/son funshoot tournament. Excited, and convinced he and his son will win the competition, Hank picks up Bobby's gun for some target practice of his own. While aiming the rifle, Hank suddenly grows confused, his hands shaking. In his mind, he recalls a childhood memory in which his own father, Cotton, berated him as he learned to shoot a gun for the first time. The experience was a traumatic one, and Hank cannot overcome the psychological damage. As a result, his marksmanship skills suffer. Embarrassed, Hank enrolls Bobby in a safety course, hoping the experience will drain all the fun out of target practice and thereby end his son's interest in attending the tournament. When this fails, Hank brings his son to the clubhouse early in the morning, reducing the odds of humiliation on the shooting range. A sports psychologist named Philip Ny notices Hank's dilemma. Stressing the importance of mental concentration over physical ability, Ny hands Hank his business card, which Hank places in his pocket. Later, Hank declares that guns are dangerous, and tells his friends he will not participate in the competition. But he tells Peggy the real reason for dropping out is that he cannot shoot straight. Peggy convinces her husband that quitting isn't fair to Bobby. Desperate, Hank turns to Philip Ny. The psychologist's technique slowly builds Hank's self-confidence, improving his aim. The day of the tournament finally arrives. Slowly, Hank and Bobby rise through the ranks until they tie for first place. Then, without warning, Cotton shows up at the tournament. Hank's face falls. A few moments later, Bobby successfully hits his target...leaving the outcome of the game on Hank's shoulders. Despite his best effort, Hank misses. Bobby, however, is overjoyed when he and his father are awarded a second place certificate. |
b: 21-Sep-1997 pc: 5E01 w: Paul Lieberstein d: Adam Kuhlman |
| 14. Texas City Twister |
| gs: |
Hank stages a rescue attempt when a tornado bears down on Peggy and Luanne inside a trailer park. Hank loses his cool when he realizes Luanne washed his undergarments with hers. Shortly thereafter, a bill collector arrives at the Hill residence. Hank learns that his niece owes six months back rent for the trailer she abandoned at Shiny Pines Trailer Park. When Hank confronts Luanne, she explains that the trailer tipped over, making it uninhabitable. Anxious to rid himself of his niece, Hank uses a winch to right the toppled trailer. He then tells Peggy it is time for Luanne to leave the house. As Luanne says her emotional final goodbyes, Hank hands her his business card, explaining how it will save her ten percent on all of her propane needs. Hurt by Hank's coldness, Luanne begins crying. Furious, Peggy confronts her husband. She refers to him as a "blockhead" who is unable to express his emotions. In his own unique way, Hank tells his wife to go to hell. Shocked, Peggy climbs into her car and drives Luanne and her belongings to the trailer park. Shortly thereafter, a television reporter warns of an approaching storm capable of spawning tornadoes. When the reporter mentions that "trailer parks can be hell in a tornado," Hank grows worried. Certain his wife is in grave danger, Hank piles emergency supplies into his truck and, accompanied by Bobby, sets off for the trailer park. Unfortunately, Hank blows a fuel filter along the way, and must fend for himself amongst panicky shoppers at the local Mega Lo Mart as he attempts to purchase a replacement. Meanwhile, Boomhauer and Dale do some tornado chasing in hopes of recording the twister on videotape. Their close encounter with the tornado sends a fifty gallon drum of pesticide flying out the back of Dale's van. Workers wearing protective suits shut down the highway until the mystery container can be identified. His progress halted by the road block, Hank loses his cool. He hits the gas pedal and continues driving. When Hank reaches the trailer park, the tornado is ominously close. An old woman takes Bobby to a nearby shelter while Hank runs towards the trailers in search of his wife. Hank steps out of the trailer when he hears Peggy's voice calling his name. Through the swirling debris, he sees Peggy waving to him from the shelter. Suddenly, the twister descends from the sky. Hank grabs hold of a telephone pole and, fearing for his life, pours out his soul. He tells Peggy how much she means to him. The tornado passes by, sparing Hank's life but tearing off all of his clothing. An embarrassed Hank covers himself with a small potted cactus and makes his way to the shelter. With the trailer having been destroyed by the storm, Hank realizes Luanne will be living with the family indefinitely. |
b: 26-Sep-1997 pc: 5E02 w: Cheryl Holliday |
| 15. Arrow Head |
| gs: |
Hank grows jealous when Peggy begins spending her time with an archaeologist. As Hank shows off his brand-new rototiller to his friends, the machine's blade strikes (what he believes is) a rock. Peggy tells Hank the object in question is actually an Indian arrowhead. Shortly thereafter, while smoothing dirt with a rake, Hank happens upon another object. Intrigued, Hank shows it to John Redcorn, who explains that the artifact is a sacred Indian tool used for straightening an arrow's shaft and places its value at fifty dollars (roughly the same cost as a new rototiller blade). Hank brings the artifacts to a local university, where Professor Lerner, a tall, good-looking man, belittles their value and offers him ten dollars. Disappointed, Hank takes the money and leaves. Moments later, Lerner gingerly places the arrowhead inside a plastic bag for safe keeping. The next day, Lerner and some graduate students show up on the Hill front lawn. Peggy falls for Lerner's fake smile and signs a document granting him and his students access to the property. But Hank loses his cool when he sees Lerner digging into his precious lawn with a mechanical shovel. Hank orders everyone off his property, but Lerner points out that the document Peggy signed transformed the area into a protected archaeological site. As Lerner continues excavating, Peggy develops a crush on the learned professor. Hoping to expose her son to the fine art of conversation, and despite Hank's objections, Peggy invites Lerner inside for dinner. During the meal, Lerner shows off a replica of an intricately woven Wahasha bracelet, a symbol of bonding between an Indian brave and his sweetheart. Later, Hank notices the bracelet on his wife's wrist. Jealous and suspicious, Hank concocts a scheme to embarrass Lerner in front of his students. Using chicken bones and some twine, he fashions a fake Indian necklace and buries it beneath the lawn. His plot begins unraveling, however, when Peggy, not Lerner, discovers the "artifact." As a crowd of grad students gathers around, Lerner asks Peggy for her opinion about the necklace. Peggy hypothesizes that the object is a warrior necklace made from finger bones of the enemy. Lerner ridicules the conclusion, belittling Peggy before the class and causing her to break down. When Hank admits it was he who planted the fake necklace, Peggy realizes her husband did so out of jealousy. Lerner snickers, telling Hank he could have had an affair with his wife for the price of a phony bracelet. Angered, Hank pushes the professor into a nearby pit...as do Peggy and Bobby. |
b: 19-Oct-1997 pc: 5E04 w: Johnny Hardwick and Glenn Berger d: Klay Hall |
| 16. Hilloween |
| gs: |
Hank is outraged when a conservative church member attempts to outlaw Halloween. Hank and his buddies work on constructing a haunted house for the local school. Meanwhile, Luanne attends a Bible study meeting. The group leader introduces Junie Harper, a new, outspoken member of the church whom Hank considers a busybody. Junie tells the impressionable teenagers that Halloween is a holiday for witches and Satanists. When Luanne returns home, she repeats what Junie said about trick or treating being devil worship--a notion that raises Hank's ire. Later, Junie tells Luanne she is sponsoring a Hallelujah House, a "righteous alternative" to haunted houses. When Junie learns that Bobby's school is sponsoring a haunted house, she threatens the principal, Mr. Moss, with a lawsuit (claiming separation of church and state). Left with little choice, Moss cancels the haunted house. Peggy suggests that the haunted house be held inside the family garage. Later, Hank initiates Bobby in the fine art of trick or treating by covering Junie's house with toilet paper. As a furious Junie exits the dwelling, Hank and his son run for cover. But Junie gets a good look at Bobby's face and reports him to the police. Hank takes the blame for the incident, but out of Peggy's earshot, he praises the boy as a "regular Halloween hellraiser." Later, Luanne tells Bobby that his father is a Satanist. At first, Bobby dismisses the notion, but after recollecting several of Hank's comments about Halloween, the boy comes to believe Luanne may be right. Meanwhile, Junie convinces the City Council that her house was attacked by Satanists. As a result, the Council passes a curfew that, in effect, cancels Halloween. Despite this, Hank vows to teach his son "the true meaning of Halloween come hell or high water." Luanne and Bobby attend Hallelujah House, where Junie pushes her own religious agenda. Meanwhile, Hank and Peggy sit by the garbage hoping trick or treaters will stop by the garage to see the haunted house. When Hank learns that his son attended Junie's anti-Halloween church party, he takes action. Despite the threat of arrest, Hank dons his Devil's costume from childhood and walks down the street yelling, "trick or treat." Soon after, other residents muster the courage to join him, and a parade of neighbors gather in front of Junie's home. Hank tells his son he will be given candy if he joins the festivities. Junie, however, warns he will be sent to hell. Bobby decides to go trick or treating--not because of the candy, but because of his wish to be with his father. Later, the boy tells Hank that despite what he said in front of Junie, he does indeed care about the prospect of getting free candy. |
b: 26-Oct-1997 pc: 5E06 w: David Zuckerman d: John Rice |
| 17. Jumpin' Crack Bass |
| gs: |
Hank finally cracks when he discovers a fishy secret. A thief attempts to break into Hank's truck as Hank and his son search for worms in Arlen City Park. Hank makes a citizen's arrest, and later, a good ol' boy judge known for creative sentencing orders the teenager to spend three months inside the cab of a pickup. When Hank attempts to retrieve his own truck from the impound lot, he discovers it has been completely dismantled (as police believed the teenager may have attempted to hide drugs inside the vehicle). Hank decides that the only cure for his mounting stress is a nice quiet fishing trip with his buddies. Employing exotic lures, Dale, Boomhauer and Bill all catch sizable bass. Hank labels the lures "cheaterbait" and sticks to worms. But as the day wears on, and having reeled in empty time and again, Hank realizes he must get with the times. He visits a bait and tackle shop looking for a scented lure. The owner recommends a special homemade bait concocted by a man who works out of his truck on a street corner. Hank drives to the neighborhood where the man works, but instead of buying bait, he inadvertently purchases crack from a drug dealer. Back at Lake Arlen, Hank pierces his hook with the drug (believing it is the homemade bait) and tosses his line into the water. Suddenly, the fish begin biting. And biting. And biting. Dale, Boomhauer and Bill also try the "miracle bait," and they, too, have resounding success. As the bass become "hooked" on the bait, the anglers become hooked on catching multitudes of fish; Dale even breaks into Hank's garage in a desperate effort to find the bait. Shortly thereafter, Hank discovers that the bass have tired of the drug and crave something stronger. Hank returns to the dealer, only to discover he was followed by Dale. Suddenly, two police cars pull up to the corner. Hank and Dale are placed under arrest for attempting to purchase drugs. Hank faces the same judge who sentenced the car thief. Telling Hank he has "the haircut of an honest man," the judge, himself a bit of an angler, offers a deal: If Hank and Dale are able to show him how to catch a fish using a rock of crack as bait, he will set them free. Otherwise, they'll face 24 months in jail. After spending six hours on Lake Arlen, the men fail to catch even one bass. As the sun begins to set, the judge gives Hank and Dale five more minutes to prove their claim. When the judge isn't looking, Hank baits his own line with a good old fashioned worm. The ploy works, and Hank reels in a fish. True to his word, the judge sets the men free. |
b: 02-Nov-1997 pc: 5E03 w: Alan Cohen and Alan Freedland d: Gary McCarver |
| 18. Husky Bobby |
| gs: |
Much to Hank's embarrassment, Bobby gets a job modeling fashion wear for overweight people. Peggy and Hank take their son shopping at a local department store. Unfortunately, Bobby is unable to squeeze himself into any of the pants on sale. A salesman tells the Hills they would be better off shopping at a clothing store which tailors to "special" children, such as H. Dumpty's. Hank realizes the salesman is referring to his son's girth. Peggy puts her own spin on why people shop at H. Dumpty's, telling Bobby that "being different is the best thing in the whole wide world." When Bobby tries on the clothing, he grows excited. His enthusiasm catches the attention of the store's owner, who asks if the boy would be interested in modeling for an upcoming fashion ad. Hank is mortified by the idea. Luanne, however, drives Bobby to the photo shoot, and when the pair return the boy announces he will be appearing in a newspaper advertisement the following day. The next morning, an embarrassed Hank sneaks onto his neighbors' lawns and retrieves the offending ads. Shortly thereafter, a major talent agency phones the Hill residence offering representation and even more work. Though Hank warns his wife that kids who are different are victimized by their peers, Peggy insists there is nothing wrong with allowing their son to feel good about himself. Later, Peggy takes Bobby to meet Claude Stokes, an agent who believes the boy could become just as famous as one of the superstars of husky modeling, a boy named Andy Maynard. Hank sheepishly sneaks inside a photo studio, where he observes his son being given a makeover by a female stylist. Hank is horrified by the sight. He grows even more distressed after Luanne tells him Bobby will appear in an upcoming fashion show. Fuming, he grabs Bobby and pulls him out of the studio. He then forbids his son from attending the fashion show. Early the next morning, Bobby hops into a taxi, a garment bag over his shoulder. When Hank discovers his son missing, he hops into his truck and drives to the mall where the fashion show is being held. Backstage, Bobby meets Andy Maynard, who makes no secret of the fact that he is a husky supermodel. Hank bursts into a dressing room looking for his son, but Bobby is already in the wings. Claude Stokes tells the boy that he will walk onstage first...causing Andy to throw a temper tantrum. When his father appears, Bobby makes a dash for the stage. But Hank throws the boy over his shoulder and heads for the exit. Moments later, as a triumphant Andy Maynard walks on stage, Dooley and his buddies begin hurling donuts at the models. Bobby realizes his father saved him from a humiliating fate. |
b: 09-Nov-1997 pc: 5E05 w: Jonathan Collier |
| 19. The Man Who Shot Kane Skretteberg |
| gs: |
It's the battle of the ages when Hank and his friends face off against four teenagers for a game of paintball. An old man notices Hank and his friends using a leaf blower to clear away some leaves. He belittles them for not using a rake. Amused by the old man's antiquated ways, Hank and the others chuckle. Later, Hank, acting as Block Captain, attempts to "straighten out" four teenagers--Cane, Zeus, Face and a shaved bald guy--when they play loud rock music out of their garage. The four punks make fun of Hank and continue playing. Shortly thereafter, Hank drives Peggy, Luanne, Bobby and his friend Joseph to the local FunCenter. There, Hank and his friends use the ballcollector guy for target practice on the driving range. Their fun is interrupted when Bobby and Joseph, covered in red paint, complain that some older boys ambushed them. Hank realizes the attackers are none other than the four punks. Cane and his cronies challenge Hank and his buddies to a game of paintball--a dare Hank can't refuse. But during the course of the game, the older men discover they are no match for their stealthier adversaries. Adding insult to injury, the four punks capture the men and, in a humiliating gesture, gun them down with paintballs as onlookers watch in disgust. BACK At home, Hank exhibits signs of what Peggy labels "post-traumatic stress syndrome." Hank dismisses the idea as "ridiculous," but he later notices a change in his friends' behavior as well. After reliving the humiliating paintball massacre in flashback, Hank decides it is time to take action. Buoyed by Peggy's encouragement, Hank approaches his friends. He tells them that if they don't fight back, they are destined to become the "weird old guys of the block." Boomhauer, Dale and Bill all agree, and the four punks accept the challenge of a rematch. Unfortunately, Hank and his friends are again defeated. Hank, Dale, Bill and Boomhauer all agree that they have grown old. In fact, they begin hanging out with the same old man they ridiculed earlier. When the punks begin taking pot shots at Bill, Hank is struck with an idea: If they can understand the mind of a teenager, it might give them the advantage they need to win on the playing field. The others agree. After observing teenagers in action, the men make three conclusions: that teenagers are cruel, clumsy around girls...and paranoid around head shops. The men then challenge the punks to a rematch, betting the leaf blower against their amplifier. The punks agree. During the game, the men utilize their observations and strike back. Eventually, only two players remain: Hank and Cane. In a stroke of genius, Hank disguises himself as the ballcollector guy and ambushes his opponent, winning the game. |
b: 16-Nov-1997 pc: 5E07 w: Johnny Hardwick |
| 20. The Son That Got Away |
| gs: |
Hank and Kahn fear the worst when Bobby, Connie, and Joseph explore a cave where teenagers go to "make whoopee." Bobby and Connie raise the ire of music teacher Eugene Grandy when they interrupt his class by adding their own lyrics to popular tunes. As punishment, Grandy calls Hank and Kahn to the school and voices his concerns regarding their disruptive behavior. It soon becomes apparent to Grady that the men have set a bad parental image. But his efforts to change their behavior fails miserably. The next day, Hank and Kahn punish their children by making them perform chores. Bobby tires of cleaning out a rain gutter and makes his way to Connie's house. The children hop on their bikes and head off in search of adventure. During the ride, they encounter Joseph, who suggests a journey to "The Caves," a place where teenagers go to "make out." As the threesome make their way into the dark cave, they are spotted by Eustis's son, Randy, who warns them not to venture inside. Bobby, Connie and Joseph ignore Randy and make their way into the darkened cave. Meanwhile, Hank, Kahn, Peggy and Minh embark on a desperate search for the missing children. Eventually they encounter Randy, who reveals that the children wandered into the caves. Hank panics. He tells Kahn that the caves are where teenagers go to "make whoopee." Later, Joseph, Bobby and Connie become trapped when their light sources extinguish, plummeting the cave into darkness. The children begin to panic when they run out of food. When Bobby offers his body as a source of sustenance, he greatly impresses Connie. Hank and Kahn make their way into the cave...but Hank loses his bearings and the pair become lost. They fall through a narrow crevice and land in a pile of old beer cans. During the ensuing conversation, Kahn admits that Bobby is a "good boy" and doesn't fear becoming an in-law with his neighbor. The men swap stories, and their laughter echoes through the cave, attracting the attention of the children. The kids follow the sound...and inadvertently tumble through the crevice. Shortly thereafter, a beer can tumbles from above, striking Hank in the head. The group establishes communication with Bill on the surface, and the fire department pulls everyone to safety. |
b: 23-Nov-1997 pc: 5E08 w: Jim Dauterive |
| 21. The Company Man |
| gs: |
Hank attempts to land a large business account by placating an obnoxious "Yankee" client. Hank meets with his boss, Buck Strickland, inside the men's restroom at work. Buck explains that Holloway Hollows, a new development, is in need of a propane supplier. He gives Hank a one hundred dollar bill and the keys to a rented Cadillac El Dorado convertible, instructing him to show the owner and his wife, Mr. and Mrs. Holloway, a good time. Buck warns, however, that their competitor (and Hank's old nemesis), M. F. Thatherton, is very eager to land the same client. When Hank returns home, he tells his wife a cup of coffee, a slice of pie and a handshake are all he needs to cement a deal. But Hank is not quite prepared for Mr. Holloway, an obnoxious Yankee who pictures Texans as stereotypical cowboys wearing ten-gallon hats and spurs. As Hank attends to Holloway, Peggy strikes up an easy friendship with his wife. When Hank takes Mr. Holloway to a coffee shop for pie, Thatherton strides up to their table and introduces himself. Holloway is impressed with Thatherton, referring to him as a "real Texan." Holloway notices that Hank isn't wearing cowboy boots. Taking the plunge, Hank concocts a story about how he gave up his boots to his uncle after he was killed by a Texas-sized twister. But Holloway still yearns to see his host in a pair of boots. Hank takes Holloway and his son to a Western Wear Store, where he purchases a pair of tight-fitting boots and a large cowboy hat. Later, Hank asks Peggy to don a Kilgore Rangerette-type outfit for their dinner engagement with the Holloways. Though greatly displeased, Peggy honors her husband's request. Mrs. Holloway bows out of dinner at the last moment. At the restaurant, Mr. Holloway orders an expensive steak, then tells Hank that he and Thatherton are headed out to a strip club. But Hank intercedes, insisting that if anyone is taking Holloway to a "gentleman's club," it will be him. Hank takes his guest to a strip club called Jugstore Cowboys'. There, he sells his heart out, waxing philosophic about all things propane. But Mr. Holloway is more interested in getting a good mint julep. When Hank returns with the drink, Holloway takes one sip and spits it out. Fed up, Hank tells his guest that he is in the business of "selling propane and propane accessories with honor and dignity." Holloway throws a punch, which Hank casually catches in his fist. He declines the fight. Thatherton steps in and busts Holloway in the nose. Holloway happily retaliates, and an all-out bar fight ensues. Afterward, Hank learns that it is Mrs. Holloway who owns the business. Completely comfortable with Hank and his family, she awards Strickland Propane the account. |
b: 07-Dec-1997 pc: 4E12 w: Jonathan Collier d: Klay Hall |
| 22. Bobby Slam |
Bobby and Connie are a match made in Hell. Peggy insists that Connie be allowed to play on the school's all-boy wrestling team. Hank becomes elated when Bobby announces he has joined the wrestling team at school. Meanwhile, Peggy is asked to substitute teach the Middle School girl's gym class. Her experience is a frustrating one; when she requests new basketballs for the girls, she is informed the money was earmarked to place holograms on football game tickets. The discrimination continues when the girls are denied uniforms. Peggy loses her cool when Coach Kleehammer asks the girls to move so the boys can have extra room to scrimmage, but with no one on her side, she is forced to comply. Connie tells Bobby she made a mistake when she signed up for sports. Peggy promises Connie she can play whatever sport she choices. Connie tells her she wants to join the wrestling team. Peggy tells Kleehammer about Connie's wish, but the coach attempts to dissuade her, claiming it is a "boy's sport." When Minh and Kahn learn about their daughter's new passion, they fear she might get hurt. But they realize it might be enough to set her apart from others when she applies to college. The Souphanousinphones threaten the principal with a lawsuit unless their daughter is allowed to participate, and later, a reluctant Kleehammer informs the boys a girl will be joining them. He then warns that, as a result, some of the boys may not make the team. Later, Bobby tells his parents that Kleehammer looked directly at him when he made the announcement. At school, Kleehammer announces that tryouts will be held to determine ability. To his horror, Bobby learns he will face Connie on the mat. Peggy is mortified when she hears the news. Meanwhile, Minh enlists Luanne's assistance to help coach her daughter, while Hank tries his hand at prepping Bobby for the match. The day of the tryout finally arrives. Taking their cues from a video game, Bobby and Connie make wild, "pro wrestling" moves that dazzle the crowd. Ultimately, both children emerge as winners. |
b: 14-Dec-1997 pc: 5E10 w: Gina Fattore d: Chris Moeller |
| 23. The Unbearable Blindness of Laying |
| gs: |
As Christmas approaches, Hank experiences temporary blindness after he accidentally catches his mother and boyfriend in the throes of passion. As the Christmas holiday approaches, Hank and Peggy travel to the airport to pick up Hank's mother, Tilly, and her new boyfriend, a Jewish man named Gary Kasner. When the group returns home, Hank cannot hide his discomfort with the idea of his mother sleeping with another man inside his home. He arranges for his mother to sleep in the den with Luanne, while Gary is confined to Bobby's room. That night, a sleepless Hank walks into the living room, where he finds Gary eating a plate of food. When Gary broaches the subject of his feelings for Tilly, Hank suddenly grabs the remote and watches television, explaining that a late-night televangelist show is his favorite. The next morning, Hank, Peggy, Luanne and Bobby pile into the car and head off for a basketball game. Peggy turns the car around when her husband realizes he forgot his favorite Styrofoam finger. When Hank enters the house, he inadvertently catches a glimpse of his mother and Gary making love on the kitchen table. The psychological shock causes Hank to go blind. Peggy takes her husband to an opthamologist. Hank queries the doctor if it is possible for a person to go blind after witnessing a horrific event. He is told the condition is called hysterical blindness. Later, during the ride home, Hank tells his wife he saw his mother and Gary making love. Peggy cannot fathom her husband's reaction...until he mentions they were doing it on the kitchen table. On Christmas morning, Peggy tells Hank he will never get his sight back if he doesn't confront the trauma that triggered the blindness. Instead, Hank asks Peggy to drive him to his father's house. As the ride gets under way, Hank suddenly realizes Gary is at the wheel. He asks Gary to turn the truck around and take him home. Instead, Gary takes him to Cotton's house. During the short visit, Cotton talks despairingly about his ex-wife. Offended, Gary leaves the house and waits for Hank outside. Hank leaves the house shortly thereafter...and now sports a far friendlier attitude towards Gary. Unexpectedly, Gary drives Hank to the cathedral where the televangelist holds his services. As the sermon gets underway, Hank thanks Gary for the gesture. Gary tells him his attitude stems from his love of Tilly. Shortly thereafter, Hank regains his sight. Later, during dinner, Hank declares the day has been the best Christmas ever. |
b: 21-Dec-1997 pc: 5E09 w: Paul Lieberstein |
| 24. Meet the Manger Babies |
| gs: |
The Super Bowl brings super troubles for Hank. Hank grows despondent when his old made-in-the-USA television set "goes on the disabled list" several days before Super Bowl Sunday. Shortly thereafter, Luanne joins Hank and Bobby on their trip to the Mega Lo Mart to pick up grocery items for the upcoming Super Bowl event, as it is Hank's turn to host his neighbors. Along the way, Hank spots a garage sale and stops the car. His prayers are answered when he discovers a crucial part for his ailing television set inside the back of an old monitor. Meanwhile, Luanne, who has developed a case of the "why me's," is greatly cheered when she discovers a box of old puppets at the same garage sale. Later, she tells Reverend Thomason about her idea to develop a puppet show using barnyard animals who witnessed the birth of baby Jesus. She dubs the show, "The Manger Babies." Hank and his neighbors help Luanne construct a puppet theater, which is moved to the church basement activities room. Luanne's show is an instant hit with children, but Hank inadvertently interrupts the performance while attempting to correct a nail protruding from the stage (which he feels reflects poor craftsmanship). Hank's presence throws off Luanne, and she desperately grapples to regain her momentum. Realizing what he has done, Hank, improvising, helps Luanne save the show. So grateful is Luanne that she writes Hank into the routine, giving him the part of God. The show is such a hit that a local channel agrees to broadcast a live performance. Luanne's spirits are greatly buoyed by the news. But Hank realizes the show is scheduled against the Super Bowl. Hank tells Luanne he cannot perform in her show due to the conflict of interest. The day of the big game finally arrives, and Dale, Boomhauer and Bill gather at Hank's house. During the game, the channel on Hank's television inexplicably changes to "The Manger Babies." Hank quickly grabs the remote and returns to the Super Bowl broadcast. Unbeknownst to him, Peggy is standing outside the house with another remote. She again changes the channel, interrupting the game. This continues until Hank is drawn into the Manger Babies's story, one in which the animals are about to accept a ride from a drunken man, Joe SixPack. Hank jumps in his car and drives to the station, saving the characters from Joe SixPack. Shortly thereafter, Hank bumps into Troy Aikman, who saw a flyer announcing the puppet show. Later, Peggy looks heavenward when Bobby reveals he borrowed the batteries from her TV remote before the Super Bowl aired. Then Bobby states it may, in fact, have been after the Super Bowl. |
b: 11-Jan-1998 pc: 5E12 w: Jonathan Aibel and Greg Daniels |
| 25. Snow Job |
| gs: |
Hank questions his life and devotion to his job after discovering his boss uses an electric and not propane stove. The Hills help celebrate the Strickland Summer in January Picnic, in which Strickland Propane employees and their families gather in a park for some hamburgers on the grill. The festivities are cut short when it suddenly begins to snow. Reacting quickly to the heating crisis, Strickland orders his staff into action in hopes of getting the jump on the electric company. Later, while ogling a company girlie calendar, Strickland suffers a heart attack. At the hospital, Strickland assigns Lloyd Vickers, an MBA-type in his thirties, temporary control of the company. Hank, meanwhile, is assigned to walk Strickland's dogs, much to his embarrassment. Hank tells Peggy about the appointment and his disappointment in not being chosen to run the company. He later discovers that Vickers has ordered the installation of tattlers devices that meter when a driver makes a stop and for what duration into all company trucks. Outraged, Hank brings the issue to Strickland, hoping he will put a quick end to the insulting policy decision. But Strickland tells Hank he signed the purchase form himself. Later, Peggy and Hank travel to Strickland's home, where they feed his dogs. Inside the kitchen, Hank receives the shock of his life: Strickland uses an electric stove. Completely shaken and disillusioned about his life and career, Hank packs his bags and heads out of town for some quiet time in the country. Meanwhile, Strickland drivers, outraged over the installation of the tattlers, walk out en masse. Vickers counters he will simply replace them with friends. But a driver points out that anyone who operates one of the trucks must be licensed for hazardous materials. When Strickland learns what happened, he promptly fires Vickers. While visiting a small mom-and-pop store in the country, Hank suddenly grows inspired. He realizes the secret to running a business is service with a smile and making people happy. He decides to quit the propane business and open his own general store. But when Hank returns home, he listens to the many messages from needy customers that have accumulated on his answering machine. Recalling fond memories from the past, Hank returns to work. He tells Strickland he has returned because he still believes in the product. Strickland, however, notes that the business cannot run without licensed drivers. Hank points out a window, where five large tow trucks are parked. He points out that a hazardous materials license is not required to drive the vehicles. Soon after, Hank and his friends are delivering propane using the trucks to tow the Strickland Propane vehicles. |
b: 01-Feb-1998 pc: 5E11 w: Cheryl Holliday and Jim Dauterive |
| 26. I Remember Mono |
| gs: |
The Hills are all heart on a Valentine's episode. As Valentine's Day approaches... Peggy uncovers a lie from Hank's past. As Luanne and Bobby listen, Peggy recounts how she and Hank first realized they were meant to be together. The year was 1973, and Hank and Peggy had already been dating for six months. Hank convinced Peggy to cook him dinner for Valentine's Day. Peggy agreedeven though she was a terrible cook. The meal, beef Wellington and cherry pie, turned out terribly, but as luck would have it, Hank phoned shortly before he was scheduled to arrive and bowed out, claiming he pulled some tendons in his back. Two weeks later, after Hank's back healed, Peggy and Hank were "engaged to be engaged." BACK in the present day, Peggy and another woman, Becky, update computer files at Arlen High School. As the pair comb through the records, they come across Hank's permanent file, which includes an entry about a twoweek absencestarting on Valentine's Daydue to mono. Peggy tells Becky she never had "the kissing disease"...creating a mystery. Meanwhile, Bobby receives Valentine's Day chocolates in the mail from a secret admirer. He suspects the sender might be Kerri Strug. Peggy queries her husband about the incident. Hank claims he contracted mono from sharing a soda with someone on the football team. An obsessed Peggy learns that only one other studentAmy Edlinhad the disease during that time. Peggy tracks Amy down, confronting her as she doles out little sausages on toothpicks at a local super market. Amy recounts how she had broken up with her boyfriend several weeks before Valentine's Day. Feeling as though she had "something to prove," she grabbed hold of Hank and kissed him. Hank broke away... then rinsed his mouth out with Amy's soda. An angered Peggy responds by delivering a punch to a side of beef. Peggy returns home, where she accuses Hank of lying to her. But she is even more upset that the romantic story of how they first got together is a falsehood. Later, Dale, Bill and Boomhauer convince Hank he must woo his wife until she loves him once more. Hank sees wisdom in their words, and begins doing romantic things. He does everything from cover a puddle with his coatto rent a pigall in an effort to make Peggy melt. But they all fail miserably. While attempting to recover the pig, Hank hurts his back and crashes to the ground. Peggy recounts Hank's antics to her girlfriends. The women sigh at the thought of romance. A thoughtful look comes over Peggy. She telephones Hank and promises to make him beef Wellington and cherry pie for Valentine's Day. Meanwhile, much to his embarrassment, Bobby realizes his secret admirer is Grandma Maddy Platter. |
b: 08-Feb-1998 pc: 5E13 w: Paul Lieberstein d: Wesley Archer |
| 27. Three Days of the Khando |
| gs: |
The Hills go south of the border. Hank, Kahn and Dale find themselves trapped South of the Border. Minh boasts of her family's upcoming luxury trip to Mexico, where they will stay in a beautiful "mitad" duplex condo with Kahn's brother and family. Neither Minh nor Peggy knows the meaning of the word "mitad," and it is soon forgotten. A short time later, Kahn learns that his brother has backed out of the vacation, leaving him to pay the entire rent for the condo. He offers the Hills the opportunity to join his family on the trip. Peggy talks Hank into going along, as she is especially anxious to replace a papiermache pear she purchased as an exchange student. Kahn arrives at the condo first. The manager of the resort, Jacinto, shows Kahn around the unit. Jacinto explains that "mitad" means half--meaning Kahn must share the downstairs portion with Hank. Thinking quickly, Kahn tells Hank that the luxurious upstairs condo is for the Hill family. The next morning, Peggy, Luanne and Minh tour a Mexican marketplace in search of papier-mache pears and illegal beauty secret supplies. Meanwhile, Connie and Bobby notice a curio shop that sells fireworks. They purchase a giant, comedy-sized firecracker labeled "La Bomba." Believing it to be real, the children slip the firecracker inside the signage of an Italian fast-food restaurant. Expecting a huge explosion, the pair take cover behind a metal dumpster. Meanwhile, Peggy and Minh find a vendor who sells a papier-mache pear. The vendor hands Peggy a nicely wrapped box and asks her to deliver it to a friend just across the border. Peggy takes the package, but moments later, Minh fears she has been tricked into transporting drugs. Dale shows up at the condo unannounced, luggage in hand. Jacinto walks by and notices the Hills living inside the upstairs unit. A few moments later, the police arrive. Peggy, Bobby and Luanne panic, believing they are about to be arrested. Hank tells police his family has nothing to hide... but their actions hint otherwise. Hank, Dale and Kahn are brought before a magistrate, who orders them to pay Jacinto 10,000 pesos. Their identification is confiscated and will only be returned when the money is paid. Believing the border guards will let them back into the U.S. because they are Caucasian, Hank and Dale decide to head towards the checkpoint with the Asian Kahn confined to the trunk. But the threesome panic at the border crossing and run off. They trade their belongings for mopeds and make their way to the Rio Grande. After crossing the river with a group of illegal aliens, the men are spotted by border police. Dale jumps the border fence and runs. Kahn also clears the fence, but Hank cannot do so unaided. Kahn extends his hand and yanks him up and over. Kahn later muses how he, an immigrant, helped smuggle an American into Texas. |
b: 15-Feb-1998 pc: 5E15 w: John Altschuler & Dave Krinsky |
NOTE: The New Wave songs that Kahn sings in the episode are, "Mickey," "She Blinded me with Science", and "That's What I like about You." |
| 28. Traffic Jam |
| gs: |
Bobby decides he wants to be a stand-up comic after he accompanies Hank to traffic school. While backing out of the driveway, Hank collides with Kahn's car. An insurance adjuster suggests that Hank attend traffic school in order to avoid a rate increase. Hank picks the "Defensive Driving School," in the belief it will be devoid of frills and nonsense. But the class, it turns out, is headed by an energetic African-American stand-up comic, Booda Sack. Everyone in the class finds Booda's humor hysterically funny--all save Hank, who is shocked and embarrassed by the content. When Hank returns home, he tells his family about the comic. Bobby, a huge fan of Booda's humor, is overjoyed. He tells his parents that Booda is one of the inspirations for his wanting to become a stand-up comic. Hank warns his son that "show business is inherently evil," and to prove his point, allows Bobby to accompany him to class. But the plan backfires when Booda brings Bobby onstage and focuses his humor on Hank. Bobby is so inspired by his experience on stage that he begins rehearsing his own act, imitating Booda's African-American humor. The boy takes his routine to Booda, who immediately points out to Bobby that he is not black and should get in touch with his white roots. Inspired, Bobby turns to the Internet, and inadvertently ends up on a Web site run by the Ku Klux Klan. Meanwhile, Hank grows even more irritated at Booda's humor and files a complaint with his supervisor, Mr. Johnson. Booda defends the humor in his act, claiming it is freedom of speech. Hank's complaint costs Booda his job. Bill and Dale drive Bobby to a downtown comedy club so he can try out his new material. As a multi-ethnic crowd listens, Bobby tries out his act, which draws its material from the White Nationalist Web site. The crowd quickly grows angered. Hank learns from Boomhauer of his son's whereabouts and drives to the comedy club. He rushes onstage to stop his son's act. Booda Sack comes to Bobby's rescue. He points out that although the boy's material is unfunny, it is protected by freedom of speech. When the crowd is not satisfied by the explanation, Booda launches into his own routine, causing the crowd to laugh once more. To show his gratitude, Hank gets Booda a job at Strickland Propane. |
b: 22-Feb-1998 pc: 5E14 w: Johnny Hardwick d: Klay Hall |
NOTE: Johnny Hardwick, who wrote this episode (and also voices Dale) is himself a standup comic. |
| 29. Hank's Dirty Laundry |
| gs: |
Hank vehemently protests when a video store accuses him of not returning an adult film. Hank reacts with horror when he notices Peggy hanging his underwear on a clothesline for all the world to see. Peggy explains she was forced to do so because the dryer has broken down. Hank agrees the time has come to replace the old unit. He and his family travel to the Mega Lo Mart, where Hank lectures a salesman on the benefits of purchasing a propane-fueled dryer. Peggy and Hank eventually settle on a Spinmore. When it comes time to make the purchase, Peggy convinces her husband it is in their best interest to pay for the dryer by applying for the store's credit card. But the salesman informs the Hills that their application has been denied due to bad credit. Hank discovers that the source of his problem is Arlen Video, which claims Hank owes forty dollars for a tape that was never returned. At the store, a clerk explains that computer records indicate the film in question is Cuffs & Collars. Hank emphatically denies ever renting the tape and is horrified to discover it is an adult title. Meanwhile, Bobby mistakes his parents preoccupation with the matter as preparations for his upcoming birthday. Peggy pressures her husband to pay the forty dollars so they can buy the dryer. But Hank refuses, again insisting he never rented the tape. His problems increase when his name ends up on a pornography mailing list and adult paraphernalia begins arriving in quantity. An outraged Hank gathers the materials and makes an attempt to return them to the post office. But officials insist the source of the problem is the company from whom Hank first purchased pornography. Hank travels to the municipal garbage dump where he buries the adult materials in the trash. A police officer notices a petroleum based byproduct amongst the materials and, noting it is being disposed of illegally, demands to see Hank's license. Hank runs off. At his wits' end, Hank creates a petition that urges citizens to boycott Arlen Video...only drawing further attention to his most embarrassing predicament. Hank decides to put "the system" on trial by taking the video store to court. A short time later, Hank receives a delivery of pornographic tapes. An attached note, signed anonymously, states that, "the answer is in the tapes." Hank views the tapes, confident the answer does indeed lie within. Later, in small claims court, Hank tells a judge he did not rent the tape. To prove his case, Hank displays Polaroid photos of scenes from the movies. He points out that an adult film star, Fernanda Valley, made a triumphant return to her profession on the occasion of her eighteenth birthday. Valley turned eighteen two weeks after Hank supposedly rented Cuffs & Collars. The judge agrees and rules in Hank's favor. Later, Bobby is overjoyed when he sees the dryer being delivered, convinced it is his birthday present. |
b: 01-Mar-1998 pc: 5E16 w: Jonathan Aibel & Glenn Berger d: Shaun Cashman |
NOTE: The music is different in the closing. The clip is Boomhauer's redition of "the music in the pool." |
| 30. The Final Shinsult |
| gs: |
Cotton and Dale steal a famous prosthesis from a museum shortly before it is scheduled to be returned to the Mexican government. At the elementary school, Peggy fills in for Mrs. Dorland after she takes ill. Her students reenact a battle from America's past, one in which the Illinois Volunteer Infantry captured the artificial leg of Mexican General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna in 1847. When the reenactment ends, Peggy explains that the general's prosthesis, which has been on display in an Illinois museum for over a century, is about to be returned to Mexico by the United States government. The leg is currently on tour and the Arlen museum is its last stop in the U.S. Meanwhile, Cotton informs Hank that he and Didi have split up for good. Since Didi had acted as his chauffeur, Cotton must now pass an eye exam to renew his driver's license. Concerned that his father would present a danger to the public, Hank deliberately sabotages his father's efforts to recite a memorized eye chart during the test. Later, when Cotton learns from Dale that his own son conspired against him, he moves in with Dale and his family. Dale is so flattered to have Cotton in his home that he creates a phony driver's license for the old man. But Cotton's efforts behind the wheel land him in trouble with the police. An officer gives Hank custody of Cotton, believing he suffers from senile dementia. But when Hank drives Cotton back to his house, he immediately hops out of the truck and goes to Dale's house. Hank attempts to forge a reconciliation with Didi, who recalls how Cotton, a lover of large rear ends, fell for her after catching a view of her posterior magnified through an overturned jar. According to Didi, Cotton broke up the relationship because her derriere is now too small. In an attempt to win back his father, Hank asks Cotton to chaperone Bobby on a museum trip. Flattered, Cotton takes up the offer. But Cotton grows angered during the museum tour, insisting the old leg should never be returned to Mexico. Later, he and Dale make off with the prosthesis. Cotton believes the U.S. government will grant him his driver's license in exchange for the leg. But when police arrive at Dale's house, they drag Cotton away and place him in the psychiatric ward of a veteran's hospital. A doctor informs Hank that if his father doesn't remain at the facility, he will require round-the-clock supervision. Unwilling to allow his father to rot away, Hank comes up with a plan. He brings Didi to the V.A. hospital...and the couple fall in love all over again. Didi drives Cotton back home. Later, Cotton stops by the Department of Motor Vehicles office in Mexico...and trades the leg for a driver's license. |
b: 15-Mar-1998 pc: 5E17 w: Alan R. Cohen & Alan Freedland d: Jack Dyer |
| 31. Leanne's Saga |
| gs: |
Luanne's mother is released from prison and becomes romantically involved with Bill. As Hank and Bobby proudly examine their new workbench inside the garage, Luanne exclaims that her mother, Leanne, has been released from prison. When Luanne is out of earshot, Peggy states that she will "tongue-kiss Bill" before she allows "that tramp" inside her home. A short time later, while discussing the latest news about Leanne with his friends, Bill accidentally drops a heavy table clamp on his foot. Hank pulls off Bill's sock, revealing crusty yellow toenails underneath. Embarrassed, Bill decides to see a doctor. Later, Peggy and Luanne discuss Leanne's past. Peggy warns that Leanne betrayed her husband by skewering him with a fork. But Luanne counters that her mother has given up drinking. Leanne is dropped off at the Hill home by a burly female trucker. Mother and daughter excitedly embrace one another, but Leanne receives a noticeably stiffer welcome from the Hills. When Hank avoids offering Leanne shelter, Luanne proposes quitting school so she can find employment and rent an apartment with her mother. Unwilling to let this happen, Peggy reluctantly offers Leanne a place to stay. Hank is greatly annoyed when she transforms the garage into her new home. Meanwhile, Bill's foot condition is diagnosed as a common fungus. A nurse tells him the ailment can be cured with pills...but he must avoid alcohol for them to be effective. A short time later, Bill encounters Leanne inside the garage. The pair--neither of whom can drink alcohol--hit it off, and the next morning Leanne and Bill stroll into the Hill kitchen dressed in bathrobes. Hank and Peggy can only stare, horrified at the implication. As an increasingly annoyed Peggy continues covering for Leanne whenever she fails to pay her daughter the attention and love she deserves, the romance between Bill and Leanne blossoms. But a hitch develops when Bill begins spending his money on gifts for Leanne instead of purchasing foot medication. One day, Leanne is repulsed at the sight of the yellow fungus on her lover's toes. She grows so unhinged that she downs countless bottles of beer, causing her expression to grow menaci |
