King Of The Hill
Season 1 |
| 1. Pilot |
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A social worker mistakenly believes that Hank is physically abusing his son. Hank Hill, his wife, Peggy, and son, Bobby, drive to a Little League baseball game. Along the way, Hank gives his son a pep talk, emphasizing the importance of winning. As the game gets under way, Bobby, who shows little athletic prowess, manages to get on first base. But he becomes distracted when his father offers coaching advice from the bleachers. A ball roars down the first base line and strikes Bobby in the face, leaving him with a black eye. After the game, Bobby accompanies Hank to the local department store. Two older women spot the pair from twenty yards away. Hank throws a temper tantrum when he is unable to find the hardware department, and the elderly women erroneously conclude that Bobby is being abused. Word spreads throughout the community, and eventually, a social worker named Anthony Page is dispatched to investigate the incident. Page arrives at the Hill home just as Hank erupts in a temper tantrum (after banging his head on the hood of his car). But Peggy assures Page that her husband is as gentle as a lamb. Later, Hank tells the social worker that his son received the black eye during a baseball game. He also emphatically denies ever hitting his son. But Page remains unconvinced, and begins interviewing neighbors and friends of the family, hoping to uncover the "truth." Hank finally loses his patience and kicks the social worker off his property. Back at the Child Protective Services Office, the social worker discusses his findings with the case manager. He is later removed from the investigation. Bobby tells Hank that if he continues to lose his temper, the government will take him away. The boy then intercepts a phone call from the Protective Services Office, in which a social worker apologizes for the misunderstanding. Unaware that he is no longer under investigation, Hank heeds Bobby's warning and attempts to control his temper no matter how much his son misbehaves. Eventually, Peggy learns that the investigation was halted a week earlier and that Bobby deliberately neglected to tell anyone the truth. Later, Hank tells Bobby, in his own unique way, how much he loves him. |
b: 12-Jan-1997 pc: 4E01 w: Mike Judge and Greg Daniels d: Wesley Archer |
| 2. Square Peg |
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Peggy is chosen to teach a Sex Ed class. Bobby returns home from school with a permission slip. Hank explodes with anger when he realizes the school is seeking permission to send his son to a Sex Ed class. He and Peggy agree that "the birds and the bees" should be taught at home. But Hank quickly nominates Peggy, who was recently voted Substitute Teacher of the Year, to do the honors. With great trepidation, Peggy approaches her son and broaches the subject of sex. When Bobby mentions the word "penis," Peggy goes blank and leaves the room. Left with little choice, Hank decides he will teach his son the same way his own father instructed him: by watching animals mate at a local dairy farm. But Hank is horrified to realize that, through a miracle of modern technology, cows are inseminated by machine. Hank and Peggy have a change of heart and decide the topic is best left in the hands of professionals. But when the high school's Sex Ed teacher resigns after Hank's friend Dale phones in an anonymous death threat, Peggy is drafted to teach the class. Peggy prepares for the job by reading a variety of books on the subject. Word of her new position spreads quickly, and the entire family becomes the target of derogatory remarks. The perceived "dirtiness" of Peggy's task even affects her love life, as Hank recoils after she suggests they have sex. While preparing for the class, Peggy musters the courage to blurt out the word "vagina." Fed up, Hank tells his wife he will not sign the permission slip (which requires both parent's signatures). Hank takes Bobby to work with him on the day his wife is scheduled to teach the Sex Ed class. While discussing the touchy subject matter with his son, Hank defends Peggy's use of words describing the human anatomy and suddenly realizes how courageous his wife truly is. He brings Bobby to school and allows him to attend the Sex Ed class. Meanwhile, Peggy, nervous and tentative, enters the classroom and addresses the students. |
b: 19-Jan-1997 pc: 4E02 w: Joe Stillman d: Gary McCarver |
| 3. The Order of the Straight Arrow |
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Hank and his friends take Bobby's scout troop on a rite of passage journey in the wilderness. Hank, Boomhauer, Bill and Dale decide to take Bobby's scout troop, the Order of the Straight Arrow, into the wilderness in an effort to "make men out of them." The foursome, who were members of the same scout group when they were children, approach John Redcorn for "Indian stuff" for an initiation ceremony. Redcorn tells them of a ritual involving the sacred Wematanye. The men love the idea and decide they will use it. Later, Hank and his friends load Bobby, Joseph and Randy into their cars and begin the journey. The moment her family leaves, Peggy hops in Hank's pickup truck and heads out for points unknown. As the journey continues, Hank tires of the boys' incessant talking. He orders a twenty-four hour oath of silence, using Slim Jims as "silence sticks." Unfortunately, Bobby forgets he is to remain silent throughout the test, and his Slim Jim is nibbled away to almost nothing. Concerned, Hank warns his son that he will not make Straight Arrow if he loses one more bite of Slim Jim. The group pulls into a campground populated by environmental activists led by a woman named Mona. That night, Hank and his friends gather the boys around a campfire. Hank tells the boys of the spirit Wematanye, and how it respects all of God's creatures. As a final test, Hank sends the boys out into the wilderness to hunt down the dreaded snipe (a fictitious creature). Taking the assignment very seriously, Bobby accidentally wallops a Whooping Crane, a rare and protected bird on the endangered species list. Hank hides the animal's carcass inside a beer cooler. Afterward, Joseph tells Bobby that his father invented the story about the snipe. But Bobby maintains his father is the Arrow leader, and would never lie. In the morning, a park ranger enters the campground. He explains that a Whooping Crane tagged with a transmitter has disappeared. Hank covers as best he can and the ranger leaves the camp. Meanwhile, Peggy meets up with Brock, a handsome Texan...and owner of a shoe store for the "largefooted lady." Peggy purchases Italian loafers. Back at the camp, Hank assembles the boys and speedily drives towards the park exit. As the ranger closes in, Hank makes a desperate attempt to bury the crane. But before he does, Hank admits to Bobby that he lied about the snipe hunt, explaining it is part of the experience of becoming a scout. Suddenly, the ranger arrives. As he prepares to arrest the group for killing an endangered species, the bird suddenly springs to life. Realizing that the bird was only knocked unconscious, the ranger lets everyone go. |
b: 02-Feb-1997 pc: 4E03 w: Cheryl Holliday d: Klay Hall |
NOTE: This episode reveals that Hank has always wanted to be a propane salesman...if his grades were good enough. |
| 4. Hank's Got the Willies |
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Bobby attempts to make amends after he accidentally wallops Hank's idol, Willie Nelson, in the head with a golf club. Hank catches Bobby furiously windmilling his beloved Guild guitar, "Betsy." Bobby explains that he was playing the instrument with a piece of cheese, like his favorite comedian, Celery Head. After examining the guitar, Hank realizes his son chipped Betsy's bridge. The next day, Bobby crashes Hank's lawn mower into the front of his truck. Shortly thereafter, the boy uses Hank's pitching wedge to hit clumps of dog excrement. When Hank tells his wife that their son seems bent on destroying everything he owns, Peggy suggests he take Bobby golfing. At first, Hank dismisses the idea outright. But when Bobby tells his father that his two heroes are Gameboy champ Eddie Stillson, and Howard Adderly, the father of bizarre worm-child Jason Adderly, Hank decides he needs to take his son golfing immediately. Before he takes his son golfing, Hank drives Betsy to a local guitar shop. Along the way, Hank tries to think of a suitable hero for Bobby. Hank tells his son that his own idol has always been Willie Nelson, as he was born in Texas, plays the guitar, and loves to golf. After dropping Betsy off for repairs, Hank joins Dale, Bill and Boomhauer for a game of golf. Bobby pulls his father's club from a bag and chips a ball right into a cup. Impressed, Hank allows Bobby to tee-off on the next hole. Bobby takes a mighty swing...and lets go of the club, which gracefully tumbles through the air until it strikes another golfer in the head. The foursome rush to the hapless victim's side, only to discover the man is none other than Hank's hero, Willie Nelson. After apologizing for the accident, Hank asks Nelson for his autograph. Nelson takes a pencil in hand, but still suffering from his injury, he slumps forward into the steering wheel of his golf cart, leaving a signature that is nothing more than a straight line. Before Hank has a chance to tell Willie that he is his hero, the singer's cart picks up speed and races down a hill. Convinced he cost his father the opportunity of a lifetime, Bobby rides his bicycle (with a guitar case strapped to the handlebars) to Willie Nelson's mansion (now property of the United States Government). He finds Nelson playing Gameboy in a nearby trailer. Bobby phones his father with news that Nelson has invited him to a barbecue party. When Hank arrives, he finds the singer strumming Betsy. Willie flips the guitar around and shows Hank that he autographed the instrument (the signature is identical to the straight line autograph from the golf course). Hank telephones his wife and invites her over to the barbecue. When she arrives, Peggy meets Dennis Hopper, who begins to flirt. Furious at Hank for showing the guitar so much attention, Peggy stomps towards her husband. But she melts when she hears Hank singing a song about how much he loves her. |
b: 09-Feb-1997 pc: 4E05 w: Paul Lieberstein d: Pat Shinagawa |
| 5. Luanne's Saga |
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Hank promises to find Luanne a new boyfriend in 48 hours. When Hank complains about Luanne's belongings cluttering his den, Luanne assures him that she will soon be living with her boyfriend, Buckley. Later that day, Buckley drives his motorcycle to the Hill residence and picks up Luanne. The couple drives thirty yards away when the bike stops and Luanne gets off. When Luanne returns home, sobbing, it becomes clear she broke up with Buckley. Hank grows concerned when Peggy is unable to "fix" Luanne's dilemma. Peggy tells her husband it will help if he tells Luanne how pretty she looks. Unfortunately, Hank approaches Luanne after she has been crying. Furious, Luanne snaps at him, screaming that she was dumped by her boyfriend. When Luanne continues crying, Hank convinces her that it is all right to swallow her emotions. He then promises to help her find a new man in 48 hours. When Hank and Luanne begin to bond, Peggy chastises her husband for meddling with a natural process. Hank responds by telling his wife how pretty she looks, and Peggy melts completely. Hank, Peggy, Luanne, Bill, Boomhauer and Dale drive to Ugly's Saloon. Determined to keep his word about finding Luanne a boyfriend, and equally determined to keep his wife in the dark about his motives, Hank tells his friends to search the bar for a potential suitor. In an attempt to keep his wife distracted, Hank asks Bill to dance with Peggy. After passing over several men, Hank notices a flash of light emanating from a shiny belt buckle. The wearer of the belt, Wade, an all-American-looking 20-year-old, passes muster with Hank. Shortly thereafter, Hank tells Luanne to introduce herself. Hank and Peggy return home. When Buckley returns looking to patch things up with Luanne, Hank sends him away. Later that night, Luanne returns home with Boomhauer, her new beau. Hank is horrified. When Hank sees Luanne giving Boomhauer a peck on the cheek, he storms up to the couple. Luanne explains how, the moment Hank left the saloon, Wade turned into "Mr. Grabby Sam." Hank forbids Luanne from dating Boomhauer, noting that he is her landlord. Out of spite, Luanne counters she will stay at Boomhauer's home. Despite Boomhauer's objections, Luanne moves in. Realizing how much Luanne and Hank genuinely like one another, Peggy arranges for the pair to "accidentally" show up at Luby's restaurant at the same time. Still angered, Hank tells Luanne to stop by the house and pick up her belongings. The next day, when Luanne shows up at the house, she finds her belongings unpacked and spread out neatly in the den. Hank admits how much better he likes the room. Realizing she's being allowed to stay at the house, Luanne tells Hank how much she loves him. |
b: 16-Feb-1997 pc: 4E04 w: Paul Lieberstein d: Pat Shinagawa |
| 6. Hank's Unmentionable Problem |
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Hank is greatly embarrassed when word of his irregularity spreads throughout the community. Peggy notices her husband exit the bathroom without flushing the toilet. Hank assures her it was unnecessary since "nothing happened." Concerned, Peggy fixes Hank a glass of Megamucil, an all-natural laxative. Being a manly Texan, he refuses to heed her advice and her bran muffins opting for sausages instead. Peggy tells Nancy about her husband's constipation. Soon after, word spreads throughout the town, and well-wishers stop by the house with tips on how to become regular once again, causing Hank great embarrassment. As time passes, Peggy grows more and more concerned. She tries sneaking melted chocolate laxative onto Hank's ice cream, but the scheme fails. Peggy experiences a nightmare in which Hank dies from his irregularity. Hysterical, Peggy rushes to her husband and begs him not to die. Moved, Hank promises to see a doctor. With great embarrassment, Hank keeps his promise. Assisted by Tasha, a beautiful medical student, Dr. Morley inserts a sigmoidoscope, a wandlike camera device, into Hank's backside for a view of his colon. When the procedure proves inconclusive, Dr. Morley tells Hank that his "low fat, high fiber diet" isn't effective. Peggy insists the diet simply needs more time to work. To be on the safe side, Morley books an operating room. He tells Hank that, unless his condition improves, his colon will have to be removed by the end of the week. When Peggy catches her husband frying a cheeseburger, she drives him to a local health food store. But Hank shows little enthusiasm for tofu dogs. Growing increasingly desperate, Hank tries everything from bacon grease to acupuncture needles but they, too, fail. While chatting with Nancy, Peggy realizes her husband's new diet and lifestyle is making him miserable. A short time later, Hank tells his wife that he'd rather "die with a burger in my colon" than spend the rest of his life eating tofu. Surprisingly, Peggy agrees and tells Hank how much she loves him. Tears in his eyes, Hank tells his wife how lucky he is to have her in his life. Suddenly, a strange look passes over Hank's face. He races to the bathroom, and after a simple flush echoes through the hallways, Hank flings open the door, standing heroically. Peggy and Bobby rush to his side. |
b: 23-Feb-1997 pc: 4E07 w: Mike Judge and Greg Daniels d: Adam Kuhlman |
| 7. Westie Side Story |
Hank mistakenly believes that his new Laotian neighbors use dog meat to make their delicious barbecued hamburgers. A large moving truck pulls into the driveway of a home next door to the Hill residence. A strapping, all-American father and his teenage son hop out of the vehicle, drawing words of approval from Hank and his friends. But the man explains he was hired to move the belongings of another family, and points to a minivan as it pulls into the driveway. When a Laotian family, the Souphanousinphones, steps out, Hank's jaw drops in disbelief. Telling his buddies that "a neighbor's a neighbor," Hank walks next door and introduces himself. He meets Kahn Souphanousinphone, his wife, Minh, and their daughter, Kahn, Jr. (Connie). Kahn Sr. explains that he and his family moved from Laos to California, where they lived for twenty years. Peggy invites the family to her home for dinner. For dessert, Peg serves up her Brown Betty, the recipe for which is a closely guarded family secret. As the Souphanousinphones leave the house, Minh makes a remark regarding Peggy's large feet. The next day, Hank discovers his dog, Ladybird, being mounted by Kahn's West Highland Terrier, Doggie. Hank tells Kahn his dog should be "breeding with her own kind," prompting Kahn to call Hank a "narrow-minded redneck." Minh apologizes to Peggy for getting off to a bad start during dinner. She invites the Hills to join her family for a barbecue. Peggy accepts the offer. During the meal, Minh serves up Peggy's Brown Betty with an added dash of nutmeg. Peggy is furious that Minh was able to figure out the recipe. Meanwhile, Bobby and Kahn, Jr. give chase when Doggie runs off into the neighborhood. Relations between Hank and Kahn thaw the moment Hank takes a bite of Kahn's barbecued hamburger. Hank calls it "the best damn burger I ever ate." Dale, however, abstains from tasting the burger, noting the Westie's empty leash lying on the ground. Refusing to believe his neighbors would cook dog, Hank does some investigating on his own. After overhearing, and misconstruing, a conversation between Minh and the dog pound, Hank concludes the burger was made of Doggie. Meanwhile, Bobby and Connie unleash Ladybird, hoping she will lead them to the missing Doggie. When Hank discovers Ladybird's leash swinging in the breeze, he mistakenly concludes that his neighbors are using her to make hamburger. Hank bangs on the Souphanousinphones' front door, demanding the return of his dog. Kahn threatens Hank with a baseball bat, but before the argument escalates, the two children race to the home and explain that they are responsible for the missing pets. Angered, both men send their children to their respective rooms without dessert. Noting how they punish their offspring the same way, Hank and Kahn patch up their differences. |
b: 02-Mar-1997 pc: 4E06 w: Jonathan Aibel and Glenn Berger d: Brian Sheesley |
NOTE: First appearance of Khan, Minh, and Connie Souphanousinphone. |
| 8. Shins of the Father |
Much to Peggy's dismay, Hank's sexist father drops by to celebrate Bobby's birthday. Leafing through the mail, Hank notices that Bobby's birthday invitation to Grandpa Cotton was returned. He then realizes that Bobby wrote "Hell, USA" as the mailing address. Bobby explains that Peggy told him Cotton was the devil. The boy then recites a list of things he dislikes about his grandfather: his big plastic teeth, his incessant screaming, and his lack of shins. Hank explains that Cotton lost his shins "defending Texas in World War II." Bobby telephones his grandfather and invites him to the celebration. The day of the party, a Cadillac pulls into the driveway, a horse trailer in tow. The trailer's ramp is kicked open from the inside, and Cotton rides the horse into the Hill's backyard. Eyes shining, and assuming the animal is a gift, Bobby tells his grandfather how much he loves the horse. But Cotton explains the horse is being rented for only a few hours. Later, he gives Bobby his real present: a 20-gauge shotgun. Outraged, Peggy snatches the weapon from his hands. When Bobby is unable to break open his birthday pinata, Cotton blows it apart with the gun. Peggy asks Cotton to leave the house after he smashes her good dishes. But when the old man attempts to start his car, the engine fails to turn over. Luanne diagnoses the problem as a solenoid plunger. Peggy tells Hank she wants the "ill-tempered, foul-mouthed old man" out of her house. But Hank tells his father he is welcome to stay. Cotton takes Bobby to a local bar, where he harasses waitresses with sexist remarks. Meanwhile, Peggy finds the missing solenoid plunger hidden in a pair of Cotton's pants. She tells Hank that his father deliberately removed the part so he could stay at the house. Events turn even uglier when Cotton's sexist remarks begin influencing Bobby's behavior. Bobby tells his mother to get his dinner and punctuates his point by slapping her on the rear-end. Hank admonishes Bobby for hitting his mother. He then attempts to tell his father why his behavior around Bobby is inappropriate. But before Hank has a chance to speak, his father reiterates the tale of how he lost his shins in World War II. After listening in awe to the patriotic story, Hank decides to drop the idea entirely. But when Bobby is sent home from school for starting a "sexist riot," Hank decides his father has gone too far. He tells Cotton he won't let his son grow up to be a "woman-hating old fool" and orders him out of the house. |
b: 23-Mar-1997 pc: 4E08 w: Alan Cohen and Alan Freedland d: Martin Archer |
| 9. Peggy the Boggle Champ |
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Hank must choose between attending the Dallas Mower Expo or coaching his wife at the state Boggle championships. Peggy, Minh, Luanne and Nancy play a Scrabble-like game in the Hill dining room. When Peggy easily beats her opponents, Nancy suggests she sign up for the Boggle tournament at the Elks club. Meanwhile, Hank, Dale, Bill and Boomhauer are mesmerized when a television commercial announces the Ninth Annual Dallas Mower Expo. Peggy enters the Elks club competition and, after easily breezing past the other players, wins a coveted trophy. But to Peggy, the biggest honor is getting to represent Arlen in the state Boggle championships. Hank agrees to act as his wife's coach after he learns it takes place in Dallas the very same weekend as the Mower Expo. He tells his friends that the Boggle tournament will keep Peggy busy while they sneak off for some real fun. Peggy and Hank say goodbye to Bobby and Luanne and head off for Dallas. Despite their best intentions, and their promise not to throw any parties, Bobby and Luanne accidentally ruin the family coffee table, drip varnish on the carpet, and scorch a section of wall. Meanwhile, Peggy is introduced to Cissy Cobb, Boggle champion of Dallas for seven non-consecutive years. Cissy easily intimidates Peggy by criticizing a jacket given to her by the Arlen Boggle Boosters. Shortly before the tournament begins, Hank tells his wife about the Mower Expo. Peggy makes an impassioned plea for Hank not to run off in her hour of need. He agrees to stay and act as her coach. When the tournament begins, Peggy gets off to a shaky start, and Cissy Cobb takes a commanding lead. Peggy is ranked 255 out of 256...one step ahead of a Boggle-playing chicken. But she valiantly continues to play. Meanwhile, Hank's buddies show up at the tournament. At first, Hank chooses to help coach his wife. But some sharp words from Dale and the others change his mind, and the men head for the Mower Expo. Slowly but surely, Peggy regains her confidence and rises through the ranks until she makes it into the finals. She is horrified, however, when she realizes her opponent is none other than Cissy Cobb. Hank realizes he cannot enjoy himself at the expo knowing his wife needs him. He races back to the Boggle tournament just in time to give his wife the extra boost she needs. Brimming with confidence, Peggy beats Cissy and is declared the new Texas State Boggle Champion. |
b: 13-Apr-1997 pc: 4E10 w: Jonathan Aibel and Glenn Berger d: Chuck Sheets |
| 10. Keeping Up With Our Joneses |
Hank's attempt to make Bobby dislike smoking backfires, leaving the entire family hooked on cigarettes. Luanne is outraged when she discovers Ladybird eating her "cruelty-free" cosmetics. Later, while digging through an old dumpster, Bobby and Joseph come across an unsmoked cigarette. The boys sneak into a men's room at a gas station and light up. As luck would have it, Hank stops at the same station to use the bathroom. He pushes open the door and sees his son with a cigarette in his mouth. Determined to stop his son from becoming addicted, Hank forces Bobby to smoke an entire carton (thinking he won't be able to stand the sight of another cigarette when he is finished). As Bobby lights up, Hank grabs a cigarette away to show his boy how to inhale properly. As Hank takes a drag, a look of remembrance and relaxation washes over his face. By the end of the day, both Hank and his son are hopelessly addicted. When Luanne catches Ladybird sniffing a makeup tin, she rattles a canister of pennies, scaring her off. Meanwhile, after sneaking cigarette after cigarette, Hank absentmindedly lights up in front of Peggy. Hank claims Bobby didn't finish a pack from the carton and insists he would hate to see them go to waste. Shortly thereafter, Hank and his wife go back to smoking cigarettes and feeling better than ever. Meanwhile, Bobby tricks a militant group of anti-smoking teenagers into allowing him to buy a pack from a bodega that sells cigarettes to teenagers. Despite everyone's best efforts, Bobby discovers that his parents are addicted to smoking and vice versa. The Hills attend a Cigarenders meeting, but Hank quickly grows irritable and storms out with his family in tow. When they return home, Luanne attempts to make the Hills kick the habit by employing the same methods she used to keep Ladybird away from her cosmetics. When the family gets into a scuffle over a last remaining cigarette, Luanne locks them in a room together. The scuffle continues until Peggy, regaining her senses, throws the cigarette out a window. Despite experiencing a powerful nicotine withdrawal, the family makes it through a storm-filled night without smoking any cigarettes. |
b: 27-Apr-1997 pc: 4E09 w: Jonathan Collier and Joe Stillman d: John Rice |
| 11. King of the Ant Hill |
Hank's expensive new lawn is overrun by fire ants. Hank primps his lawn for an upcoming Cinco de Mayo block party. His ego is bruised when Kahn notes that his lawn is fuller and richer. Hank realizes his lawn does indeed pale in comparison...but can't pinpoint the problem. Shortly thereafter, Dale stops by the house and asks if he can spray the grass with pesticide (in an effort to keep fire ants away from the property). Hank approves the idea. But when Peggy hints that the lawn may be lagging from all the poisonous chemicals being sprayed on it, Hank has a change of heart. He instructs a crestfallen Dale not to touch his lawn ever again. Later, Hank stops by a nursery and falls in love with an especially lush patch of Raleigh Saint Augustine sod. Despite its enormous expense, Hank resods his entire lawn using the luxurious grass. But unbeknownst to him, Dale sabotages his efforts by deliberately dropping a clump of fire ants onto his property. As the days grow closer to Cinco de Mayo, Hank notices an ant hill on his new lawn. Panicking, Hank uses a variety of methods in an attempt to destroy the insects, but his efforts are hampered by Dale's secret meddling. Meanwhile, Bobby falls victim to the Queen ant's hypnotic demands. Hank comes to regret firing Dale. He approaches his neighbor and apologizes for valuing his lawn more than their friendship. Ever grateful, Dale pumps massive amounts of insecticide onto Hank's lawn. The next morning, Hank discovers his lawn has been turned into a dirt landscape as barren as the surface of the moon. His life shattered, Hank vows to cover his lawn with woodchips and gravel. Meanwhile, Peggy enters the Gribble's basement to retrieve some sugar for Nancy. When she descends into the eerie, poorly lit room, she comes upon a model of the Hill home, with miniature ant mounds surrounding the property. She realizes Dale deliberately introduced the ants to her husband's new sod. Under the hypnotic control of the Queen, Bobby releases some captured ants to a mound on the lawn. The ants communicate with one another, then suddenly swarm Bobby. Hank is outraged when Peggy tells him the truth about Dale. He rushes to his neighbor's home, intending to do him bodily harm. But before Hank makes good on his threats, Bobby calls out for help. The men turn around, only to see Bobby completely covered with fire ants. In an act of self-sacrifice, Dale clasps the boy's hand, and the fire ants crawl onto his body. Dale collapses on the ground as he is stung over and over by the insects. When Dale finally stops moving, the ants crawl off his body. Later, revelers show up at the Hill home holding lush green squares of lawn grass sod/Cinco de Mayo gifts for their neighbor. Hank is overcome with emotion. |
b: 04-May-1997 pc: 4E13 w: Johnny Hardwick and Paul Lieberstein d: Gary McCarver |
| 12. Plastic White Female |
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Hank and Peggy jump to conclusions when they discover Bobby using one of Luanne's plastic beautician school heads to practice interacting with girls. Joseph invites Bobby to his upcoming boy-girl party. But Bobby soon realizes he is intimidated by most of the girls at school and lacks the courage and social skills needed to approach them. He tells his father he is not going to attend the party because he doesn't like girls. Hank's face begins to twitch at the implication. Later, Luanne brings home a beautician school practice head that she will need for her final exam. Bobby is instantly drawn to the head, and stares at it with rapt wonder. Late that night, he sneaks out of the house and up to Luanne's window, where he again stares with enchantment at the beautiful plastic head. When Hank, Peggy and Luanne leave the house the next day, Bobby retrieves the head. Practicing in secret, he uses the dummy head in lieu of a real girl, asking it if it would like to dance, etc. Meanwhile, Hank does his best to avoid Luanne, who would like to practice for her upcoming exam by cutting his hair. Bobby practices with the dummy head for so long that he grows comfortable with the idea of attending the party. Hank and Peggy conclude their boy is perfectly normal after all. But when Peggy catches Bobby playing Spin the Bottle with the head, she shrieks in horror. White as a ghost, Peggy tells Hank she walked in on their son as he was kissing the dummy head. She suggests the family move to Berlin, as the Germans are more tolerant towards freakish people. Bobby tells his father he has no intention of marrying a plastic head. Convinced his boy is using the head as a crutch, Hank locks it in his liquor cabinet. When Hank catches Bobby breaking into the cabinet, he snatches the head from his son's hands, and as Luanne watches, horrified, saws it in two with a spinning sawtoothed blade. Left with little choice, Luanne uses Hank (in place of the plastic head) for her final exam at the beautician academy. Her instructor, Miss Kremzer, examines Hank's haircut and assigns her an "F." But after overhearing Hank's glowing comments about his haircut, calling it his "all-time favorite," Kremzer gives Luanne a passing grade. Later, before the party, Bobby and Connie decide to practice kissing one another. When Bobby plays Spin the Bottle at Joseph's party, the bottle points to Dale's wife, Nancy. Bobby grits his teeth and lunges for Nancy. |
b: 11-May-1997 pc: 4E11 w: David Zuckerman d: Jeff Myers |
NOTE: "KOTH" ends its first season a smash hit and a critical darling. It marks the first time that a new show that aired directly after "The Simpsons" would be renewed for the next season, following memorable but short-lived shows like "Drexell's Class" and "The Critic." |
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Season 2 |
| 13. How to Fire a Rifle Without Really Trying |
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When Bobby discovers a talent for target shooting, Hank discovers that an experience from his own childhood is affecting his aim. Hank takes his son to the state fair, where Bobby shows little talent for winning prizes at any of the game booths. But everything changes when Bobby discovers a knack for downing mechanical ducks with a BB gun. Hank has never been so proud of his son. Despite Peg's initial objections, he takes Bobby to the local Mega Lo Mart and purchases an expensive rifle. The pair travel to a clubhouse shooting range, where Bobby again displays expert marksmanship. While watching the boy take target practice, Hank learns of an upcoming father/son funshoot tournament. Excited, and convinced he and his son will win the competition, Hank picks up Bobby's gun for some target practice of his own. While aiming the rifle, Hank suddenly grows confused, his hands shaking. In his mind, he recalls a childhood memory in which his own father, Cotton, berated him as he learned to shoot a gun for the first time. The experience was a traumatic one, and Hank cannot overcome the psychological damage. As a result, his marksmanship skills suffer. Embarrassed, Hank enrolls Bobby in a safety course, hoping the experience will drain all the fun out of target practice and thereby end his son's interest in attending the tournament. When this fails, Hank brings his son to the clubhouse early in the morning, reducing the odds of humiliation on the shooting range. A sports psychologist named Philip Ny notices Hank's dilemma. Stressing the importance of mental concentration over physical ability, Ny hands Hank his business card, which Hank places in his pocket. Later, Hank declares that guns are dangerous, and tells his friends he will not participate in the competition. But he tells Peggy the real reason for dropping out is that he cannot shoot straight. Peggy convinces her husband that quitting isn't fair to Bobby. Desperate, Hank turns to Philip Ny. The psychologist's technique slowly builds Hank's self-confidence, improving his aim. The day of the tournament finally arrives. Slowly, Hank and Bobby rise through the ranks until they tie for first place. Then, without warning, Cotton shows up at the tournament. Hank's face falls. A few moments later, Bobby successfully hits his target...leaving the outcome of the game on Hank's shoulders. Despite his best effort, Hank misses. Bobby, however, is overjoyed when he and his father are awarded a second place certificate. |
b: 21-Sep-1997 pc: 5E01 w: Paul Lieberstein d: Adam Kuhlman |
| 14. Texas City Twister |
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Hank stages a rescue attempt when a tornado bears down on Peggy and Luanne inside a trailer park. Hank loses his cool when he realizes Luanne washed his undergarments with hers. Shortly thereafter, a bill collector arrives at the Hill residence. Hank learns that his niece owes six months back rent for the trailer she abandoned at Shiny Pines Trailer Park. When Hank confronts Luanne, she explains that the trailer tipped over, making it uninhabitable. Anxious to rid himself of his niece, Hank uses a winch to right the toppled trailer. He then tells Peggy it is time for Luanne to leave the house. As Luanne says her emotional final goodbyes, Hank hands her his business card, explaining how it will save her ten percent on all of her propane needs. Hurt by Hank's coldness, Luanne begins crying. Furious, Peggy confronts her husband. She refers to him as a "blockhead" who is unable to express his emotions. In his own unique way, Hank tells his wife to go to hell. Shocked, Peggy climbs into her car and drives Luanne and her belongings to the trailer park. Shortly thereafter, a television reporter warns of an approaching storm capable of spawning tornadoes. When the reporter mentions that "trailer parks can be hell in a tornado," Hank grows worried. Certain his wife is in grave danger, Hank piles emergency supplies into his truck and, accompanied by Bobby, sets off for the trailer park. Unfortunately, Hank blows a fuel filter along the way, and must fend for himself amongst panicky shoppers at the local Mega Lo Mart as he attempts to purchase a replacement. Meanwhile, Boomhauer and Dale do some tornado chasing in hopes of recording the twister on videotape. Their close encounter with the tornado sends a fifty gallon drum of pesticide flying out the back of Dale's van. Workers wearing protective suits shut down the highway until the mystery container can be identified. His progress halted by the road block, Hank loses his cool. He hits the gas pedal and continues driving. When Hank reaches the trailer park, the tornado is ominously close. An old woman takes Bobby to a nearby shelter while Hank runs towards the trailers in search of his wife. Hank steps out of the trailer when he hears Peggy's voice calling his name. Through the swirling debris, he sees Peggy waving to him from the shelter. Suddenly, the twister descends from the sky. Hank grabs hold of a telephone pole and, fearing for his life, pours out his soul. He tells Peggy how much she means to him. The tornado passes by, sparing Hank's life but tearing off all of his clothing. An embarrassed Hank covers himself with a small potted cactus and makes his way to the shelter. With the trailer having been destroyed by the storm, Hank realizes Luanne will be living with the family indefinitely. |
b: 26-Sep-1997 pc: 5E02 w: Cheryl Holliday |
| 15. Arrow Head |
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Hank grows jealous when Peggy begins spending her time with an archaeologist. As Hank shows off his brand-new rototiller to his friends, the machine's blade strikes (what he believes is) a rock. Peggy tells Hank the object in question is actually an Indian arrowhead. Shortly thereafter, while smoothing dirt with a rake, Hank happens upon another object. Intrigued, Hank shows it to John Redcorn, who explains that the artifact is a sacred Indian tool used for straightening an arrow's shaft and places its value at fifty dollars (roughly the same cost as a new rototiller blade). Hank brings the artifacts to a local university, where Professor Lerner, a tall, good-looking man, belittles their value and offers him ten dollars. Disappointed, Hank takes the money and leaves. Moments later, Lerner gingerly places the arrowhead inside a plastic bag for safe keeping. The next day, Lerner and some graduate students show up on the Hill front lawn. Peggy falls for Lerner's fake smile and signs a document granting him and his students access to the property. But Hank loses his cool when he sees Lerner digging into his precious lawn with a mechanical shovel. Hank orders everyone off his property, but Lerner points out that the document Peggy signed transformed the area into a protected archaeological site. As Lerner continues excavating, Peggy develops a crush on the learned professor. Hoping to expose her son to the fine art of conversation, and despite Hank's objections, Peggy invites Lerner inside for dinner. During the meal, Lerner shows off a replica of an intricately woven Wahasha bracelet, a symbol of bonding between an Indian brave and his sweetheart. Later, Hank notices the bracelet on his wife's wrist. Jealous and suspicious, Hank concocts a scheme to embarrass Lerner in front of his students. Using chicken bones and some twine, he fashions a fake Indian necklace and buries it beneath the lawn. His plot begins unraveling, however, when Peggy, not Lerner, discovers the "artifact." As a crowd of grad students gathers around, Lerner asks Peggy for her opinion about the necklace. Peggy hypothesizes that the object is a warrior necklace made from finger bones of the enemy. Lerner ridicules the conclusion, belittling Peggy before the class and causing her to break down. When Hank admits it was he who planted the fake necklace, Peggy realizes her husband did so out of jealousy. Lerner snickers, telling Hank he could have had an affair with his wife for the price of a phony bracelet. Angered, Hank pushes the professor into a nearby pit...as do Peggy and Bobby. |
b: 19-Oct-1997 pc: 5E04 w: Johnny Hardwick and Glenn Berger d: Klay Hall |
| 16. Hilloween |
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Hank is outraged when a conservative church member attempts to outlaw Halloween. Hank and his buddies work on constructing a haunted house for the local school. Meanwhile, Luanne attends a Bible study meeting. The group leader introduces Junie Harper, a new, outspoken member of the church whom Hank considers a busybody. Junie tells the impressionable teenagers that Halloween is a holiday for witches and Satanists. When Luanne returns home, she repeats what Junie said about trick or treating being devil worship--a notion that raises Hank's ire. Later, Junie tells Luanne she is sponsoring a Hallelujah House, a "righteous alternative" to haunted houses. When Junie learns that Bobby's school is sponsoring a haunted house, she threatens the principal, Mr. Moss, with a lawsuit (claiming separation of church and state). Left with little choice, Moss cancels the haunted house. Peggy suggests that the haunted house be held inside the family garage. Later, Hank initiates Bobby in the fine art of trick or treating by covering Junie's house with toilet paper. As a furious Junie exits the dwelling, Hank and his son run for cover. But Junie gets a good look at Bobby's face and reports him to the police. Hank takes the blame for the incident, but out of Peggy's earshot, he praises the boy as a "regular Halloween hellraiser." Later, Luanne tells Bobby that his father is a Satanist. At first, Bobby dismisses the notion, but after recollecting several of Hank's comments about Halloween, the boy comes to believe Luanne may be right. Meanwhile, Junie convinces the City Council that her house was attacked by Satanists. As a result, the Council passes a curfew that, in effect, cancels Halloween. Despite this, Hank vows to teach his son "the true meaning of Halloween come hell or high water." Luanne and Bobby attend Hallelujah House, where Junie pushes her own religious agenda. Meanwhile, Hank and Peggy sit by the garbage hoping trick or treaters will stop by the garage to see the haunted house. When Hank learns that his son attended Junie's anti-Halloween church party, he takes action. Despite the threat of arrest, Hank dons his Devil's costume from childhood and walks down the street yelling, "trick or treat." Soon after, other residents muster the courage to join him, and a parade of neighbors gather in front of Junie's home. Hank tells his son he will be given candy if he joins the festivities. Junie, however, warns he will be sent to hell. Bobby decides to go trick or treating--not because of the candy, but because of his wish to be with his father. Later, the boy tells Hank that despite what he said in front of Junie, he does indeed care about the prospect of getting free candy. |
b: 26-Oct-1997 pc: 5E06 w: David Zuckerman d: John Rice |
| 17. Jumpin' Crack Bass |
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Hank finally cracks when he discovers a fishy secret. A thief attempts to break into Hank's truck as Hank and his son search for worms in Arlen City Park. Hank makes a citizen's arrest, and later, a good ol' boy judge known for creative sentencing orders the teenager to spend three months inside the cab of a pickup. When Hank attempts to retrieve his own truck from the impound lot, he discovers it has been completely dismantled (as police believed the teenager may have attempted to hide drugs inside the vehicle). Hank decides that the only cure for his mounting stress is a nice quiet fishing trip with his buddies. Employing exotic lures, Dale, Boomhauer and Bill all catch sizable bass. Hank labels the lures "cheaterbait" and sticks to worms. But as the day wears on, and having reeled in empty time and again, Hank realizes he must get with the times. He visits a bait and tackle shop looking for a scented lure. The owner recommends a special homemade bait concocted by a man who works out of his truck on a street corner. Hank drives to the neighborhood where the man works, but instead of buying bait, he inadvertently purchases crack from a drug dealer. Back at Lake Arlen, Hank pierces his hook with the drug (believing it is the homemade bait) and tosses his line into the water. Suddenly, the fish begin biting. And biting. And biting. Dale, Boomhauer and Bill also try the "miracle bait," and they, too, have resounding success. As the bass become "hooked" on the bait, the anglers become hooked on catching multitudes of fish; Dale even breaks into Hank's garage in a desperate effort to find the bait. Shortly thereafter, Hank discovers that the bass have tired of the drug and crave something stronger. Hank returns to the dealer, only to discover he was followed by Dale. Suddenly, two police cars pull up to the corner. Hank and Dale are placed under arrest for attempting to purchase drugs. Hank faces the same judge who sentenced the car thief. Telling Hank he has "the haircut of an honest man," the judge, himself a bit of an angler, offers a deal: If Hank and Dale are able to show him how to catch a fish using a rock of crack as bait, he will set them free. Otherwise, they'll face 24 months in jail. After spending six hours on Lake Arlen, the men fail to catch even one bass. As the sun begins to set, the judge gives Hank and Dale five more minutes to prove their claim. When the judge isn't looking, Hank baits his own line with a good old fashioned worm. The ploy works, and Hank reels in a fish. True to his word, the judge sets the men free. |
b: 02-Nov-1997 pc: 5E03 w: Alan Cohen and Alan Freedland d: Gary McCarver |
| 18. Husky Bobby |
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Much to Hank's embarrassment, Bobby gets a job modeling fashion wear for overweight people. Peggy and Hank take their son shopping at a local department store. Unfortunately, Bobby is unable to squeeze himself into any of the pants on sale. A salesman tells the Hills they would be better off shopping at a clothing store which tailors to "special" children, such as H. Dumpty's. Hank realizes the salesman is referring to his son's girth. Peggy puts her own spin on why people shop at H. Dumpty's, telling Bobby that "being different is the best thing in the whole wide world." When Bobby tries on the clothing, he grows excited. His enthusiasm catches the attention of the store's owner, who asks if the boy would be interested in modeling for an upcoming fashion ad. Hank is mortified by the idea. Luanne, however, drives Bobby to the photo shoot, and when the pair return the boy announces he will be appearing in a newspaper advertisement the following day. The next morning, an embarrassed Hank sneaks onto his neighbors' lawns and retrieves the offending ads. Shortly thereafter, a major talent agency phones the Hill residence offering representation and even more work. Though Hank warns his wife that kids who are different are victimized by their peers, Peggy insists there is nothing wrong with allowing their son to feel good about himself. Later, Peggy takes Bobby to meet Claude Stokes, an agent who believes the boy could become just as famous as one of the superstars of husky modeling, a boy named Andy Maynard. Hank sheepishly sneaks inside a photo studio, where he observes his son being given a makeover by a female stylist. Hank is horrified by the sight. He grows even more distressed after Luanne tells him Bobby will appear in an upcoming fashion show. Fuming, he grabs Bobby and pulls him out of the studio. He then forbids his son from attending the fashion show. Early the next morning, Bobby hops into a taxi, a garment bag over his shoulder. When Hank discovers his son missing, he hops into his truck and drives to the mall where the fashion show is being held. Backstage, Bobby meets Andy Maynard, who makes no secret of the fact that he is a husky supermodel. Hank bursts into a dressing room looking for his son, but Bobby is already in the wings. Claude Stokes tells the boy that he will walk onstage first...causing Andy to throw a temper tantrum. When his father appears, Bobby makes a dash for the stage. But Hank throws the boy over his shoulder and heads for the exit. Moments later, as a triumphant Andy Maynard walks on stage, Dooley and his buddies begin hurling donuts at the models. Bobby realizes his father saved him from a humiliating fate. |
b: 09-Nov-1997 pc: 5E05 w: Jonathan Collier |
| 19. The Man Who Shot Kane Skretteberg |
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It's the battle of the ages when Hank and his friends face off against four teenagers for a game of paintball. An old man notices Hank and his friends using a leaf blower to clear away some leaves. He belittles them for not using a rake. Amused by the old man's antiquated ways, Hank and the others chuckle. Later, Hank, acting as Block Captain, attempts to "straighten out" four teenagers--Cane, Zeus, Face and a shaved bald guy--when they play loud rock music out of their garage. The four punks make fun of Hank and continue playing. Shortly thereafter, Hank drives Peggy, Luanne, Bobby and his friend Joseph to the local FunCenter. There, Hank and his friends use the ballcollector guy for target practice on the driving range. Their fun is interrupted when Bobby and Joseph, covered in red paint, complain that some older boys ambushed them. Hank realizes the attackers are none other than the four punks. Cane and his cronies challenge Hank and his buddies to a game of paintball--a dare Hank can't refuse. But during the course of the game, the older men discover they are no match for their stealthier adversaries. Adding insult to injury, the four punks capture the men and, in a humiliating gesture, gun them down with paintballs as onlookers watch in disgust. BACK At home, Hank exhibits signs of what Peggy labels "post-traumatic stress syndrome." Hank dismisses the idea as "ridiculous," but he later notices a change in his friends' behavior as well. After reliving the humiliating paintball massacre in flashback, Hank decides it is time to take action. Buoyed by Peggy's encouragement, Hank approaches his friends. He tells them that if they don't fight back, they are destined to become the "weird old guys of the block." Boomhauer, Dale and Bill all agree, and the four punks accept the challenge of a rematch. Unfortunately, Hank and his friends are again defeated. Hank, Dale, Bill and Boomhauer all agree that they have grown old. In fact, they begin hanging out with the same old man they ridiculed earlier. When the punks begin taking pot shots at Bill, Hank is struck with an idea: If they can understand the mind of a teenager, it might give them the advantage they need to win on the playing field. The others agree. After observing teenagers in action, the men make three conclusions: that teenagers are cruel, clumsy around girls...and paranoid around head shops. The men then challenge the punks to a rematch, betting the leaf blower against their amplifier. The punks agree. During the game, the men utilize their observations and strike back. Eventually, only two players remain: Hank and Cane. In a stroke of genius, Hank disguises himself as the ballcollector guy and ambushes his opponent, winning the game. |
b: 16-Nov-1997 pc: 5E07 w: Johnny Hardwick |
| 20. The Son That Got Away |
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Hank and Kahn fear the worst when Bobby, Connie, and Joseph explore a cave where teenagers go to "make whoopee." Bobby and Connie raise the ire of music teacher Eugene Grandy when they interrupt his class by adding their own lyrics to popular tunes. As punishment, Grandy calls Hank and Kahn to the school and voices his concerns regarding their disruptive behavior. It soon becomes apparent to Grady that the men have set a bad parental image. But his efforts to change their behavior fails miserably. The next day, Hank and Kahn punish their children by making them perform chores. Bobby tires of cleaning out a rain gutter and makes his way to Connie's house. The children hop on their bikes and head off in search of adventure. During the ride, they encounter Joseph, who suggests a journey to "The Caves," a place where teenagers go to "make out." As the threesome make their way into the dark cave, they are spotted by Eustis's son, Randy, who warns them not to venture inside. Bobby, Connie and Joseph ignore Randy and make their way into the darkened cave. Meanwhile, Hank, Kahn, Peggy and Minh embark on a desperate search for the missing children. Eventually they encounter Randy, who reveals that the children wandered into the caves. Hank panics. He tells Kahn that the caves are where teenagers go to "make whoopee." Later, Joseph, Bobby and Connie become trapped when their light sources extinguish, plummeting the cave into darkness. The children begin to panic when they run out of food. When Bobby offers his body as a source of sustenance, he greatly impresses Connie. Hank and Kahn make their way into the cave...but Hank loses his bearings and the pair become lost. They fall through a narrow crevice and land in a pile of old beer cans. During the ensuing conversation, Kahn admits that Bobby is a "good boy" and doesn't fear becoming an in-law with his neighbor. The men swap stories, and their laughter echoes through the cave, attracting the attention of the children. The kids follow the sound...and inadvertently tumble through the crevice. Shortly thereafter, a beer can tumbles from above, striking Hank in the head. The group establishes communication with Bill on the surface, and the fire department pulls everyone to safety. |
b: 23-Nov-1997 pc: 5E08 w: Jim Dauterive |
| 21. The Company Man |
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Hank attempts to land a large business account by placating an obnoxious "Yankee" client. Hank meets with his boss, Buck Strickland, inside the men's restroom at work. Buck explains that Holloway Hollows, a new development, is in need of a propane supplier. He gives Hank a one hundred dollar bill and the keys to a rented Cadillac El Dorado convertible, instructing him to show the owner and his wife, Mr. and Mrs. Holloway, a good time. Buck warns, however, that their competitor (and Hank's old nemesis), M. F. Thatherton, is very eager to land the same client. When Hank returns home, he tells his wife a cup of coffee, a slice of pie and a handshake are all he needs to cement a deal. But Hank is not quite prepared for Mr. Holloway, an obnoxious Yankee who pictures Texans as stereotypical cowboys wearing ten-gallon hats and spurs. As Hank attends to Holloway, Peggy strikes up an easy friendship with his wife. When Hank takes Mr. Holloway to a coffee shop for pie, Thatherton strides up to their table and introduces himself. Holloway is impressed with Thatherton, referring to him as a "real Texan." Holloway notices that Hank isn't wearing cowboy boots. Taking the plunge, Hank concocts a story about how he gave up his boots to his uncle after he was killed by a Texas-sized twister. But Holloway still yearns to see his host in a pair of boots. Hank takes Holloway and his son to a Western Wear Store, where he purchases a pair of tight-fitting boots and a large cowboy hat. Later, Hank asks Peggy to don a Kilgore Rangerette-type outfit for their dinner engagement with the Holloways. Though greatly displeased, Peggy honors her husband's request. Mrs. Holloway bows out of dinner at the last moment. At the restaurant, Mr. Holloway orders an expensive steak, then tells Hank that he and Thatherton are headed out to a strip club. But Hank intercedes, insisting that if anyone is taking Holloway to a "gentleman's club," it will be him. Hank takes his guest to a strip club called Jugstore Cowboys'. There, he sells his heart out, waxing philosophic about all things propane. But Mr. Holloway is more interested in getting a good mint julep. When Hank returns with the drink, Holloway takes one sip and spits it out. Fed up, Hank tells his guest that he is in the business of "selling propane and propane accessories with honor and dignity." Holloway throws a punch, which Hank casually catches in his fist. He declines the fight. Thatherton steps in and busts Holloway in the nose. Holloway happily retaliates, and an all-out bar fight ensues. Afterward, Hank learns that it is Mrs. Holloway who owns the business. Completely comfortable with Hank and his family, she awards Strickland Propane the account. |
b: 07-Dec-1997 pc: 4E12 w: Jonathan Collier d: Klay Hall |
| 22. Bobby Slam |
Bobby and Connie are a match made in Hell. Peggy insists that Connie be allowed to play on the school's all-boy wrestling team. Hank becomes elated when Bobby announces he has joined the wrestling team at school. Meanwhile, Peggy is asked to substitute teach the Middle School girl's gym class. Her experience is a frustrating one; when she requests new basketballs for the girls, she is informed the money was earmarked to place holograms on football game tickets. The discrimination continues when the girls are denied uniforms. Peggy loses her cool when Coach Kleehammer asks the girls to move so the boys can have extra room to scrimmage, but with no one on her side, she is forced to comply. Connie tells Bobby she made a mistake when she signed up for sports. Peggy promises Connie she can play whatever sport she choices. Connie tells her she wants to join the wrestling team. Peggy tells Kleehammer about Connie's wish, but the coach attempts to dissuade her, claiming it is a "boy's sport." When Minh and Kahn learn about their daughter's new passion, they fear she might get hurt. But they realize it might be enough to set her apart from others when she applies to college. The Souphanousinphones threaten the principal with a lawsuit unless their daughter is allowed to participate, and later, a reluctant Kleehammer informs the boys a girl will be joining them. He then warns that, as a result, some of the boys may not make the team. Later, Bobby tells his parents that Kleehammer looked directly at him when he made the announcement. At school, Kleehammer announces that tryouts will be held to determine ability. To his horror, Bobby learns he will face Connie on the mat. Peggy is mortified when she hears the news. Meanwhile, Minh enlists Luanne's assistance to help coach her daughter, while Hank tries his hand at prepping Bobby for the match. The day of the tryout finally arrives. Taking their cues from a video game, Bobby and Connie make wild, "pro wrestling" moves that dazzle the crowd. Ultimately, both children emerge as winners. |
b: 14-Dec-1997 pc: 5E10 w: Gina Fattore d: Chris Moeller |
| 23. The Unbearable Blindness of Laying |
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As Christmas approaches, Hank experiences temporary blindness after he accidentally catches his mother and boyfriend in the throes of passion. As the Christmas holiday approaches, Hank and Peggy travel to the airport to pick up Hank's mother, Tilly, and her new boyfriend, a Jewish man named Gary Kasner. When the group returns home, Hank cannot hide his discomfort with the idea of his mother sleeping with another man inside his home. He arranges for his mother to sleep in the den with Luanne, while Gary is confined to Bobby's room. That night, a sleepless Hank walks into the living room, where he finds Gary eating a plate of food. When Gary broaches the subject of his feelings for Tilly, Hank suddenly grabs the remote and watches television, explaining that a late-night televangelist show is his favorite. The next morning, Hank, Peggy, Luanne and Bobby pile into the car and head off for a basketball game. Peggy turns the car around when her husband realizes he forgot his favorite Styrofoam finger. When Hank enters the house, he inadvertently catches a glimpse of his mother and Gary making love on the kitchen table. The psychological shock causes Hank to go blind. Peggy takes her husband to an opthamologist. Hank queries the doctor if it is possible for a person to go blind after witnessing a horrific event. He is told the condition is called hysterical blindness. Later, during the ride home, Hank tells his wife he saw his mother and Gary making love. Peggy cannot fathom her husband's reaction...until he mentions they were doing it on the kitchen table. On Christmas morning, Peggy tells Hank he will never get his sight back if he doesn't confront the trauma that triggered the blindness. Instead, Hank asks Peggy to drive him to his father's house. As the ride gets under way, Hank suddenly realizes Gary is at the wheel. He asks Gary to turn the truck around and take him home. Instead, Gary takes him to Cotton's house. During the short visit, Cotton talks despairingly about his ex-wife. Offended, Gary leaves the house and waits for Hank outside. Hank leaves the house shortly thereafter...and now sports a far friendlier attitude towards Gary. Unexpectedly, Gary drives Hank to the cathedral where the televangelist holds his services. As the sermon gets underway, Hank thanks Gary for the gesture. Gary tells him his attitude stems from his love of Tilly. Shortly thereafter, Hank regains his sight. Later, during dinner, Hank declares the day has been the best Christmas ever. |
b: 21-Dec-1997 pc: 5E09 w: Paul Lieberstein |
| 24. Meet the Manger Babies |
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The Super Bowl brings super troubles for Hank. Hank grows despondent when his old made-in-the-USA television set "goes on the disabled list" several days before Super Bowl Sunday. Shortly thereafter, Luanne joins Hank and Bobby on their trip to the Mega Lo Mart to pick up grocery items for the upcoming Super Bowl event, as it is Hank's turn to host his neighbors. Along the way, Hank spots a garage sale and stops the car. His prayers are answered when he discovers a crucial part for his ailing television set inside the back of an old monitor. Meanwhile, Luanne, who has developed a case of the "why me's," is greatly cheered when she discovers a box of old puppets at the same garage sale. Later, she tells Reverend Thomason about her idea to develop a puppet show using barnyard animals who witnessed the birth of baby Jesus. She dubs the show, "The Manger Babies." Hank and his neighbors help Luanne construct a puppet theater, which is moved to the church basement activities room. Luanne's show is an instant hit with children, but Hank inadvertently interrupts the performance while attempting to correct a nail protruding from the stage (which he feels reflects poor craftsmanship). Hank's presence throws off Luanne, and she desperately grapples to regain her momentum. Realizing what he has done, Hank, improvising, helps Luanne save the show. So grateful is Luanne that she writes Hank into the routine, giving him the part of God. The show is such a hit that a local channel agrees to broadcast a live performance. Luanne's spirits are greatly buoyed by the news. But Hank realizes the show is scheduled against the Super Bowl. Hank tells Luanne he cannot perform in her show due to the conflict of interest. The day of the big game finally arrives, and Dale, Boomhauer and Bill gather at Hank's house. During the game, the channel on Hank's television inexplicably changes to "The Manger Babies." Hank quickly grabs the remote and returns to the Super Bowl broadcast. Unbeknownst to him, Peggy is standing outside the house with another remote. She again changes the channel, interrupting the game. This continues until Hank is drawn into the Manger Babies's story, one in which the animals are about to accept a ride from a drunken man, Joe SixPack. Hank jumps in his car and drives to the station, saving the characters from Joe SixPack. Shortly thereafter, Hank bumps into Troy Aikman, who saw a flyer announcing the puppet show. Later, Peggy looks heavenward when Bobby reveals he borrowed the batteries from her TV remote before the Super Bowl aired. Then Bobby states it may, in fact, have been after the Super Bowl. |
b: 11-Jan-1998 pc: 5E12 w: Jonathan Aibel and Greg Daniels |
| 25. Snow Job |
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Hank questions his life and devotion to his job after discovering his boss uses an electric and not propane stove. The Hills help celebrate the Strickland Summer in January Picnic, in which Strickland Propane employees and their families gather in a park for some hamburgers on the grill. The festivities are cut short when it suddenly begins to snow. Reacting quickly to the heating crisis, Strickland orders his staff into action in hopes of getting the jump on the electric company. Later, while ogling a company girlie calendar, Strickland suffers a heart attack. At the hospital, Strickland assigns Lloyd Vickers, an MBA-type in his thirties, temporary control of the company. Hank, meanwhile, is assigned to walk Strickland's dogs, much to his embarrassment. Hank tells Peggy about the appointment and his disappointment in not being chosen to run the company. He later discovers that Vickers has ordered the installation of tattlers devices that meter when a driver makes a stop and for what duration into all company trucks. Outraged, Hank brings the issue to Strickland, hoping he will put a quick end to the insulting policy decision. But Strickland tells Hank he signed the purchase form himself. Later, Peggy and Hank travel to Strickland's home, where they feed his dogs. Inside the kitchen, Hank receives the shock of his life: Strickland uses an electric stove. Completely shaken and disillusioned about his life and career, Hank packs his bags and heads out of town for some quiet time in the country. Meanwhile, Strickland drivers, outraged over the installation of the tattlers, walk out en masse. Vickers counters he will simply replace them with friends. But a driver points out that anyone who operates one of the trucks must be licensed for hazardous materials. When Strickland learns what happened, he promptly fires Vickers. While visiting a small mom-and-pop store in the country, Hank suddenly grows inspired. He realizes the secret to running a business is service with a smile and making people happy. He decides to quit the propane business and open his own general store. But when Hank returns home, he listens to the many messages from needy customers that have accumulated on his answering machine. Recalling fond memories from the past, Hank returns to work. He tells Strickland he has returned because he still believes in the product. Strickland, however, notes that the business cannot run without licensed drivers. Hank points out a window, where five large tow trucks are parked. He points out that a hazardous materials license is not required to drive the vehicles. Soon after, Hank and his friends are delivering propane using the trucks to tow the Strickland Propane vehicles. |
b: 01-Feb-1998 pc: 5E11 w: Cheryl Holliday and Jim Dauterive |
| 26. I Remember Mono |
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The Hills are all heart on a Valentine's episode. As Valentine's Day approaches... Peggy uncovers a lie from Hank's past. As Luanne and Bobby listen, Peggy recounts how she and Hank first realized they were meant to be together. The year was 1973, and Hank and Peggy had already been dating for six months. Hank convinced Peggy to cook him dinner for Valentine's Day. Peggy agreedeven though she was a terrible cook. The meal, beef Wellington and cherry pie, turned out terribly, but as luck would have it, Hank phoned shortly before he was scheduled to arrive and bowed out, claiming he pulled some tendons in his back. Two weeks later, after Hank's back healed, Peggy and Hank were "engaged to be engaged." BACK in the present day, Peggy and another woman, Becky, update computer files at Arlen High School. As the pair comb through the records, they come across Hank's permanent file, which includes an entry about a twoweek absencestarting on Valentine's Daydue to mono. Peggy tells Becky she never had "the kissing disease"...creating a mystery. Meanwhile, Bobby receives Valentine's Day chocolates in the mail from a secret admirer. He suspects the sender might be Kerri Strug. Peggy queries her husband about the incident. Hank claims he contracted mono from sharing a soda with someone on the football team. An obsessed Peggy learns that only one other studentAmy Edlinhad the disease during that time. Peggy tracks Amy down, confronting her as she doles out little sausages on toothpicks at a local super market. Amy recounts how she had broken up with her boyfriend several weeks before Valentine's Day. Feeling as though she had "something to prove," she grabbed hold of Hank and kissed him. Hank broke away... then rinsed his mouth out with Amy's soda. An angered Peggy responds by delivering a punch to a side of beef. Peggy returns home, where she accuses Hank of lying to her. But she is even more upset that the romantic story of how they first got together is a falsehood. Later, Dale, Bill and Boomhauer convince Hank he must woo his wife until she loves him once more. Hank sees wisdom in their words, and begins doing romantic things. He does everything from cover a puddle with his coatto rent a pigall in an effort to make Peggy melt. But they all fail miserably. While attempting to recover the pig, Hank hurts his back and crashes to the ground. Peggy recounts Hank's antics to her girlfriends. The women sigh at the thought of romance. A thoughtful look comes over Peggy. She telephones Hank and promises to make him beef Wellington and cherry pie for Valentine's Day. Meanwhile, much to his embarrassment, Bobby realizes his secret admirer is Grandma Maddy Platter. |
b: 08-Feb-1998 pc: 5E13 w: Paul Lieberstein d: Wesley Archer |
| 27. Three Days of the Khando |
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The Hills go south of the border. Hank, Kahn and Dale find themselves trapped South of the Border. Minh boasts of her family's upcoming luxury trip to Mexico, where they will stay in a beautiful "mitad" duplex condo with Kahn's brother and family. Neither Minh nor Peggy knows the meaning of the word "mitad," and it is soon forgotten. A short time later, Kahn learns that his brother has backed out of the vacation, leaving him to pay the entire rent for the condo. He offers the Hills the opportunity to join his family on the trip. Peggy talks Hank into going along, as she is especially anxious to replace a papiermache pear she purchased as an exchange student. Kahn arrives at the condo first. The manager of the resort, Jacinto, shows Kahn around the unit. Jacinto explains that "mitad" means half--meaning Kahn must share the downstairs portion with Hank. Thinking quickly, Kahn tells Hank that the luxurious upstairs condo is for the Hill family. The next morning, Peggy, Luanne and Minh tour a Mexican marketplace in search of papier-mache pears and illegal beauty secret supplies. Meanwhile, Connie and Bobby notice a curio shop that sells fireworks. They purchase a giant, comedy-sized firecracker labeled "La Bomba." Believing it to be real, the children slip the firecracker inside the signage of an Italian fast-food restaurant. Expecting a huge explosion, the pair take cover behind a metal dumpster. Meanwhile, Peggy and Minh find a vendor who sells a papier-mache pear. The vendor hands Peggy a nicely wrapped box and asks her to deliver it to a friend just across the border. Peggy takes the package, but moments later, Minh fears she has been tricked into transporting drugs. Dale shows up at the condo unannounced, luggage in hand. Jacinto walks by and notices the Hills living inside the upstairs unit. A few moments later, the police arrive. Peggy, Bobby and Luanne panic, believing they are about to be arrested. Hank tells police his family has nothing to hide... but their actions hint otherwise. Hank, Dale and Kahn are brought before a magistrate, who orders them to pay Jacinto 10,000 pesos. Their identification is confiscated and will only be returned when the money is paid. Believing the border guards will let them back into the U.S. because they are Caucasian, Hank and Dale decide to head towards the checkpoint with the Asian Kahn confined to the trunk. But the threesome panic at the border crossing and run off. They trade their belongings for mopeds and make their way to the Rio Grande. After crossing the river with a group of illegal aliens, the men are spotted by border police. Dale jumps the border fence and runs. Kahn also clears the fence, but Hank cannot do so unaided. Kahn extends his hand and yanks him up and over. Kahn later muses how he, an immigrant, helped smuggle an American into Texas. |
b: 15-Feb-1998 pc: 5E15 w: John Altschuler & Dave Krinsky |
NOTE: The New Wave songs that Kahn sings in the episode are, "Mickey," "She Blinded me with Science", and "That's What I like about You." |
| 28. Traffic Jam |
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Bobby decides he wants to be a stand-up comic after he accompanies Hank to traffic school. While backing out of the driveway, Hank collides with Kahn's car. An insurance adjuster suggests that Hank attend traffic school in order to avoid a rate increase. Hank picks the "Defensive Driving School," in the belief it will be devoid of frills and nonsense. But the class, it turns out, is headed by an energetic African-American stand-up comic, Booda Sack. Everyone in the class finds Booda's humor hysterically funny--all save Hank, who is shocked and embarrassed by the content. When Hank returns home, he tells his family about the comic. Bobby, a huge fan of Booda's humor, is overjoyed. He tells his parents that Booda is one of the inspirations for his wanting to become a stand-up comic. Hank warns his son that "show business is inherently evil," and to prove his point, allows Bobby to accompany him to class. But the plan backfires when Booda brings Bobby onstage and focuses his humor on Hank. Bobby is so inspired by his experience on stage that he begins rehearsing his own act, imitating Booda's African-American humor. The boy takes his routine to Booda, who immediately points out to Bobby that he is not black and should get in touch with his white roots. Inspired, Bobby turns to the Internet, and inadvertently ends up on a Web site run by the Ku Klux Klan. Meanwhile, Hank grows even more irritated at Booda's humor and files a complaint with his supervisor, Mr. Johnson. Booda defends the humor in his act, claiming it is freedom of speech. Hank's complaint costs Booda his job. Bill and Dale drive Bobby to a downtown comedy club so he can try out his new material. As a multi-ethnic crowd listens, Bobby tries out his act, which draws its material from the White Nationalist Web site. The crowd quickly grows angered. Hank learns from Boomhauer of his son's whereabouts and drives to the comedy club. He rushes onstage to stop his son's act. Booda Sack comes to Bobby's rescue. He points out that although the boy's material is unfunny, it is protected by freedom of speech. When the crowd is not satisfied by the explanation, Booda launches into his own routine, causing the crowd to laugh once more. To show his gratitude, Hank gets Booda a job at Strickland Propane. |
b: 22-Feb-1998 pc: 5E14 w: Johnny Hardwick d: Klay Hall |
NOTE: Johnny Hardwick, who wrote this episode (and also voices Dale) is himself a standup comic. |
| 29. Hank's Dirty Laundry |
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Hank vehemently protests when a video store accuses him of not returning an adult film. Hank reacts with horror when he notices Peggy hanging his underwear on a clothesline for all the world to see. Peggy explains she was forced to do so because the dryer has broken down. Hank agrees the time has come to replace the old unit. He and his family travel to the Mega Lo Mart, where Hank lectures a salesman on the benefits of purchasing a propane-fueled dryer. Peggy and Hank eventually settle on a Spinmore. When it comes time to make the purchase, Peggy convinces her husband it is in their best interest to pay for the dryer by applying for the store's credit card. But the salesman informs the Hills that their application has been denied due to bad credit. Hank discovers that the source of his problem is Arlen Video, which claims Hank owes forty dollars for a tape that was never returned. At the store, a clerk explains that computer records indicate the film in question is Cuffs & Collars. Hank emphatically denies ever renting the tape and is horrified to discover it is an adult title. Meanwhile, Bobby mistakes his parents preoccupation with the matter as preparations for his upcoming birthday. Peggy pressures her husband to pay the forty dollars so they can buy the dryer. But Hank refuses, again insisting he never rented the tape. His problems increase when his name ends up on a pornography mailing list and adult paraphernalia begins arriving in quantity. An outraged Hank gathers the materials and makes an attempt to return them to the post office. But officials insist the source of the problem is the company from whom Hank first purchased pornography. Hank travels to the municipal garbage dump where he buries the adult materials in the trash. A police officer notices a petroleum based byproduct amongst the materials and, noting it is being disposed of illegally, demands to see Hank's license. Hank runs off. At his wits' end, Hank creates a petition that urges citizens to boycott Arlen Video...only drawing further attention to his most embarrassing predicament. Hank decides to put "the system" on trial by taking the video store to court. A short time later, Hank receives a delivery of pornographic tapes. An attached note, signed anonymously, states that, "the answer is in the tapes." Hank views the tapes, confident the answer does indeed lie within. Later, in small claims court, Hank tells a judge he did not rent the tape. To prove his case, Hank displays Polaroid photos of scenes from the movies. He points out that an adult film star, Fernanda Valley, made a triumphant return to her profession on the occasion of her eighteenth birthday. Valley turned eighteen two weeks after Hank supposedly rented Cuffs & Collars. The judge agrees and rules in Hank's favor. Later, Bobby is overjoyed when he sees the dryer being delivered, convinced it is his birthday present. |
b: 01-Mar-1998 pc: 5E16 w: Jonathan Aibel & Glenn Berger d: Shaun Cashman |
NOTE: The music is different in the closing. The clip is Boomhauer's redition of "the music in the pool." |
| 30. The Final Shinsult |
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Cotton and Dale steal a famous prosthesis from a museum shortly before it is scheduled to be returned to the Mexican government. At the elementary school, Peggy fills in for Mrs. Dorland after she takes ill. Her students reenact a battle from America's past, one in which the Illinois Volunteer Infantry captured the artificial leg of Mexican General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna in 1847. When the reenactment ends, Peggy explains that the general's prosthesis, which has been on display in an Illinois museum for over a century, is about to be returned to Mexico by the United States government. The leg is currently on tour and the Arlen museum is its last stop in the U.S. Meanwhile, Cotton informs Hank that he and Didi have split up for good. Since Didi had acted as his chauffeur, Cotton must now pass an eye exam to renew his driver's license. Concerned that his father would present a danger to the public, Hank deliberately sabotages his father's efforts to recite a memorized eye chart during the test. Later, when Cotton learns from Dale that his own son conspired against him, he moves in with Dale and his family. Dale is so flattered to have Cotton in his home that he creates a phony driver's license for the old man. But Cotton's efforts behind the wheel land him in trouble with the police. An officer gives Hank custody of Cotton, believing he suffers from senile dementia. But when Hank drives Cotton back to his house, he immediately hops out of the truck and goes to Dale's house. Hank attempts to forge a reconciliation with Didi, who recalls how Cotton, a lover of large rear ends, fell for her after catching a view of her posterior magnified through an overturned jar. According to Didi, Cotton broke up the relationship because her derriere is now too small. In an attempt to win back his father, Hank asks Cotton to chaperone Bobby on a museum trip. Flattered, Cotton takes up the offer. But Cotton grows angered during the museum tour, insisting the old leg should never be returned to Mexico. Later, he and Dale make off with the prosthesis. Cotton believes the U.S. government will grant him his driver's license in exchange for the leg. But when police arrive at Dale's house, they drag Cotton away and place him in the psychiatric ward of a veteran's hospital. A doctor informs Hank that if his father doesn't remain at the facility, he will require round-the-clock supervision. Unwilling to allow his father to rot away, Hank comes up with a plan. He brings Didi to the V.A. hospital...and the couple fall in love all over again. Didi drives Cotton back home. Later, Cotton stops by the Department of Motor Vehicles office in Mexico...and trades the leg for a driver's license. |
b: 15-Mar-1998 pc: 5E17 w: Alan R. Cohen & Alan Freedland d: Jack Dyer |
| 31. Leanne's Saga |
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Luanne's mother is released from prison and becomes romantically involved with Bill. As Hank and Bobby proudly examine their new workbench inside the garage, Luanne exclaims that her mother, Leanne, has been released from prison. When Luanne is out of earshot, Peggy states that she will "tongue-kiss Bill" before she allows "that tramp" inside her home. A short time later, while discussing the latest news about Leanne with his friends, Bill accidentally drops a heavy table clamp on his foot. Hank pulls off Bill's sock, revealing crusty yellow toenails underneath. Embarrassed, Bill decides to see a doctor. Later, Peggy and Luanne discuss Leanne's past. Peggy warns that Leanne betrayed her husband by skewering him with a fork. But Luanne counters that her mother has given up drinking. Leanne is dropped off at the Hill home by a burly female trucker. Mother and daughter excitedly embrace one another, but Leanne receives a noticeably stiffer welcome from the Hills. When Hank avoids offering Leanne shelter, Luanne proposes quitting school so she can find employment and rent an apartment with her mother. Unwilling to let this happen, Peggy reluctantly offers Leanne a place to stay. Hank is greatly annoyed when she transforms the garage into her new home. Meanwhile, Bill's foot condition is diagnosed as a common fungus. A nurse tells him the ailment can be cured with pills...but he must avoid alcohol for them to be effective. A short time later, Bill encounters Leanne inside the garage. The pair--neither of whom can drink alcohol--hit it off, and the next morning Leanne and Bill stroll into the Hill kitchen dressed in bathrobes. Hank and Peggy can only stare, horrified at the implication. As an increasingly annoyed Peggy continues covering for Leanne whenever she fails to pay her daughter the attention and love she deserves, the romance between Bill and Leanne blossoms. But a hitch develops when Bill begins spending his money on gifts for Leanne instead of purchasing foot medication. One day, Leanne is repulsed at the sight of the yellow fungus on her lover's toes. She grows so unhinged that she downs countless bottles of beer, causing her expression to grow menacing. Hank discovers the emptied bottles, but before he can offer a warning, Bill announces that he and Leanne are engaged to be married. Angered that the secret has been revealed, Leanne slugs Bill in the arm. Hank attempts to warn Bill about Leanne's temper, but Bill reveals his love is moving into his home. Meanwhile, an increasingly frustrated Peggy tells Luanne that the next time Leanne breaks her heart, she will not come to her rescue. A short time later, the couple throw a pre-engagement party. When Leanne shows up drunk and belligerent, a desperate Luanne turns to Peggy. But as promised, Peggy turns away, leaving Luanne alone. The situation reaches a crescendo when Buckley insults Leanne as she gives him a lap dance. A furious Leanne grabs a fork, and just as she is about to thrust it into Buckley, she is stopped by Peggy. An all-out brawl ensues, during which Peggy gets the upper hand. Realizing she has been defeated, Leanne tells her daughter they are leaving. But Luanne chooses to remain behind with the Hills. |
b: 19-Apr-1998 pc: 5E18 w: David Zuckerman d: Tricia Garcia |
NOTE: Holly Hunter was originally announced as the voice of Leanne, but she apparently had to cancel, so Joanna Gleason took over the role. |
| 32. Junkie Business |
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Hank inadvertently hires a drug addict to work at Strickland Propane. Buck Strickland chooses Hank as Employee of the Month. A proud Hank accepts the certificate, and shortly thereafter, Strickland asks him to hire a new Accessories Associate. Hank immediately sets about creating a questionnaire in the hopes of screening out undesirable applicants. After interviewing several hopefuls, Hank meets with Maria Montalvo, a woman with both the best credentials and an impressive knowledge of all things propane. But when Maria admits she is unfamiliar with Troy Aikman, Hank has second thoughts about hiring her. Hank tells Peggy about Maria, describing her as handsome and well-qualified. But he assures his wife that he will not hire Maria, as he is unsure what constitutes inappropriate physical contact with a female employee. Peggy, who believes Maria should be hired, shows Hank how to give a coworker an appropriate hug. But Hank has his doubts, and later hires a seemingly presentable young man named Leon Petard based on his familiarity with the Dallas Cowboys and his apparent love for all things propane. When Peggy learns that Hank passed over Maria in favor of Leon, she immediately concludes that her husband was attracted to her. The next day, Hank grows concerned when Leon shows up for work several hours late. As time passes, Hank notices Leon acting in an agitated fashion and becoming sick to his stomach. He asks Bobby to help him out at work and cover for Leon. But after spending the day with the new employee, Bobby tells his parents that Leon is a drug addict. Hank concurs with his son's assessment. A short time later, Mr. Strickland notices Leon leaning against a wall, giggling. A shocked Hank promises his boss the situation will change. He makes good on his promise by informing Leon that Strickland Propane does not tolerate drug addicts. Hank fires Leon and hands him a business card containing the address of a rehab center. The next morning, Leon returns, accompanied by Anthony Page, a rehab group leader (whom Hank recognizes as Twig Boy). Page informs Hank that firing Leon for drug addiction is illegal, as his condition is considered a disability under the Americans With Disabilities Act. Realizing he has little choice, Hank rehires Leon. Soon after, Page begins making more demands. That night, Peggy reads aloud the Americans With Disabilities Act literature, which states that any company with fifteen or more employees must accommodate their disabled workers. The following day, the other Strickland workers claim that they, too, are disabled, and deserve special privileges. When Peggy shows up at the front office, she is horrified by what she sees. She tells her husband that "anybody's disabled if you think hard enough." Peggy's words prove an inspiration to Hank. Later, when Leon begins referring to himself as "Hank Hill," Hank uses it as a reason to quit. With Hank gone, Strickland is reduced to fourteen employees, skirting the Disabilities Act by one. Strickland promptly fires Leon. Later, Strickland rehires Hank and places him on a six month probation period. Strickland then introduces Hank to the company's new Accessories Associate, Maria Montalvo. |
b: 26-Apr-1998 pc: 5E19 w: Jim Dauterive d: Cyndi Tang-Loveland |
| 33. Life in the Fast Lane, Bobby's Saga |
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Bobby gets his first job and finds himself at the mercy of a tyrannical boss; Boomhauer participates in an amateur race car competition. In the outskirts of Arlen, Boomhauer races his souped-up Dodge Coronet against a similar sports car. Boomhauer wins, but the driver of the other vehicle turns out to be a police officer. The cop tells Boomhauer about an amateur race at the speedway that weekend. The winner of the competition gets to drive the pace car when NASCAR comes to town. Later, Bobby interrupts his father and asks for a check for $175 so he can purchase a new bicycle. Hank realizes his son has no concept of the value of a dollar, and concludes it is time for Bobby to get a job. Shortly thereafter, Bobby accompanies his father and Boomhauer to the Arlen Speedway. There, Hank strikes up a conversation with a soda boy named Tommy. Impressed by the boy's "can-do" attitude, and hoping it will rub off on his son, Hank sets about getting Bobby an interview with Tommy's boss, Jimmy Whichard. The moment Bobby is hired, Tommy hands his drink tray to Bobby, hops a fence, and runs away. Bobby finds that life in the speedway stands is an arduous one. He also discovers that Whichard is a crazed taskmaster. Meanwhile, Hank, Dale and Bill run through some pit crew drills with Boomhauer, hoping to increase their speed. When Bobby returns home from the track, he announces his decision to quit his job, describing Whichard's cruel stupidity. But Hank gives his son a pep talk, reminding him to give a hundred and ten percent. When Bobby returns to work, he tells Whichard he will be the best employee he has ever had. Whichard responds by promoting the boy as his "go-to guy." Shortly thereafter, Boomhauer's big race gets under way. Hank, Dale and Bill cheer him on from the sidelines. Boomhauer pulls into the pit and the three men spring into action. Unfortunately, Bill pays too much attention to a smudge on the vehicle's rear window and climbs into the back seat. Boomhauer pulls onto the track where he is easily lapped by the other cars. Boomhauer places fourth, but Hank reminds his friend he is only three accidents away from driving the pace car. Meanwhile, Whichard forces Bobby to don a hot dog suit. The drunken crowd pelts him mercilessly with trash. As the NASCAR race gets under way, one amateur driver after another loses control of the pace car. Meanwhile, Dale warns Hank that Jimmy Whichard is a moron. Shortly thereafter, a thirsty Whichard calls to Bobby, who is selling sodas in the infield from across the track. Whichard instructs Bobby to run across the busy track and bring him the drink. Horrified, Hank races over and pulls his son back over the guard rail. When Hank realizes Whichard put Bobby's life in jeopardy, he runs across the track and confronts him. But Hank is unable to clear a fence that separates himself from Whichard. Suddenly, Whichard is pelted with sodas and hot dogs. It turns out that many of his former exploited child workers are sitting in the stands. Meanwhile, another accident gives Boomhauer his big chance. But once on the track, Boomhauer slows down until his car is even with the racer driven by Jeff Gordon. Gordon cannot resist temptation, and races Boomhauer down the track. Though Gordon wins the race, he is automatically disqualified for passing the pace car. Driver Dale Earnhardt takes home the trophy. Later, Hank apologizes to Bobby for ignoring what he said about Whichard. |
b: 03-May-1998 pc: 5E21 w: John Altschuler & Dave Krinsky d: Adam Kuhlman |
NOTE: In reruns, the abuse of Jimmy by his former workers is not seen. Instead, Hank tears through the chain link fence and kicks him around a bit. The Boomhauer/Gordon race is also cut out. |
| 34. Peggy's Turtle Song |
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Peggy quits her job as substitute teacher and takes up guitar lessons; Bobby is diagnosed with attention deficit disorder. One morning, as Bobby finishes eating a bowl of Oatmeal Cookie Crunch in the kitchen, a harried Peggy rushes in, glances at the clock, and realizes she is late for a school field trip. Peggy hastily pours him another bowl of cereal... onto which Bobby adds more sugar. A short time later, Bobby has another bowl, and at Hank's suggestion, adds even more sugar. At school, a teacher notices Bobby acting in a hyperactive manner (the result of consuming the sugar). Bobby is sent to the nurse's office, where he is diagnosed with attention deficit disorder. A nurse informs Hank that Bobby must begin taking medication. Later, Peggy suffers enormous guilt when she hears the news, and decides to quit her job as a substitute teacher so she can focus her energy on being a mother. The medication prescribed Bobby leaves the boy in a stupor. Meanwhile, Peggy accompanies Hank to a guitar shop to pick up some new strings. There, she notices a flyer advertising guitar lessons. The next day, Peggy visits the bohemian apartment of Emily, a woman with dreadlocks, a tattoo and combat boots. When Emily later visits the Hill home to teach the guitar lessons, Bill notes she is dressed "kinda pro-choice." Hank looks on with concern. Later, Emily encourages Peggy to write a song of her own. Peggy responds by singing a few lines about a turtle and its shell, which is both the animal's home and its prison. Emily immediately responds to the song, reading something into it that Peggy did not quite intend. Though Hank labels Emily "weird," Peggy nonetheless invites her over for dinner. During the meal, Peggy reveals that one of Hank's most cherished possessions is a Guild Solid Top guitar, nicknamed Betsy. Emily encourages Peggy to finish writing her song and suggests she perform it at a Mother's Day recital, during which performers take a "pot shot" at the holiday. Hank disapproves of the idea, insisting plans for Mother's Day have already been made. But Peggy insists she can do as she pleases. Luanne complains she is unable to concentrate on studying for her beauty exam. Concluding she may have contracted attention deficit disorder from Bobby, she snatches a pill from the boy's hand and pops it in her mouth. On Mother's Day, Hank watches as Peggy heads out the door with her cheap guitar slung over her shoulder. Later, Bobby and Hank show up at the venue where Peggy is scheduled to perform. Bobby hands his mother Betsy, Hank's prized guitar, explaining how she should have a special guitar with which to play her song. Peggy takes the stage and performs. As she sings, the women in the audience misread the turtle song as a pro-feminist statement. Peggy stops singing, but Emily encourages her to continue. Singing from her heart, Peggy tells how "a turtle named Hank" saved the turtle's heart with the magic of love. Though the women in the audience are taken aback by the song's ending, Hank and Bobby give Peggy a standing ovation. Later, during the drive home, Peggy considers returning to her teaching job. When Hank notes a marked improvement in Bobby's behavior that day, Bobby explains it can only be attributed to the absence of the medication, as Luanne ingested his pill. |
b: 10-May-1998 pc: 5E22 w: Brent Forrester d: Jeff Myers |
| 35. Propane Boom (1) |
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Hank loses his job when Strickland Propane is unable to compete with Mega Lo Mart. While watching television, Hank sees a commercial featuring Mega Lo Mart spokesman Chuck Mangione as he announces that the store is now selling propane. Hank can hardly contain his anger. The next morning, Mr. Strickland tells his employees that, although the company cannot compete with Mega Lo Mart's prices, they can deliver a personal touch, a program dubbed "Service With a Hug." But the stunt does little to keep Strickland's customers from straying. One evening, as Hank and Peggy lie in bed, Luanne asks if she can borrow three hundred dollars to pay her tuition at the beauty academy. Hank approves the loan. But the following day, Mr. Strickland tells Hank he is closing the local branch in a desperate effort to save the entire company. Furious at Mega Lo Mart for costing him his job, Hank begins discarding everything and anything purchased at the store. Meanwhile, Luanne realizes the promised $300 loan is no more, jeopardizing her dream of becoming a famous Hollywood makeup artist. Desperate for work, Hank begins perusing the "help wanted" classified ads. Answering one such ad, he finds himself inside the conference room of a roadside motel. But when he realizes that the job is selling steak knives, he rejects the offer. When a weary and tired Hank returns home, he notices Luanne studying a book about propane. Luanne explains that she has decided to apply for a job selling propane at Mega Lo Mart (Buckley, a store employee, promised her the job) so she can pay for her education. Hank disapproves of the idea and storms off. But the pressure on Hank proves too much to bear, and when Luanne walks into the Mega Lo Mart to take the propane test, she discovers that Buckley hired Hank for the job. Hank apologizes to Luanne for taking the job, telling her he could not stand another moment of being stuck at home watching daytime television. But Luanne vents her rage using some of the Manger Baby puppets, and later decides to break up with Buckley. Back at the Mega Lo Mart, Hank discovers that two of his coworkers, Mark and Ray, were also forced out of their old jobs due to competition from the discount store. A bond forms between the men, especially when they come under attack from much younger employees who hold positions of authority. Later, Hank spots Buckley dragging a propane tank across the floor by the valve. He warns Buckley that doing so could trigger a gas leak. Buckley changes the subject, telling Hank he was supposed to set up Chuck Mangione's dressing room for a performance in the store's parking lot. A short time later, Hank talks Ray, Mark and another worker into disrupting the concert by blowing kazoos. When Mangione takes the stage, Hank enters the store's break room to retrieve something more powerful than a kazoo--an air horn. But while walking towards the store's exit, Hank stops and sniffs the air. His eyes widen in horror. Suddenly, a huge explosion rips through the store, engulfing Mangione in a fireball. As debris rains down from the heavens, Boomhauer dials 911 for help. To Be Continued... |
b: 17-May-1998 pc: 5E23 w: Norm Hiscock d: Gary McCarver |
NOTE: This is Buckley's final appearance alive. Also, this two-part episode was part of a mock promotion by FOX to move the setting of the show to Beverly Hills. Indeed, in the final promo for "King of the Hills," the network was merely annoucing that they were moving the show to Tuesdays, which nearly killed the series. |
|
Season 3 |
| 36. Death of a Propane Salesman (2) |
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In the aftermath of the Mega Lo Mart explosion...Hank discovers he is frightened of propane; Luanne grapples with the loss of her hair and a close friend. As firemen sift through burning rubble of what once was the Mega Lo Mart, Peggy searches for any sign of her loved ones. A fireman emerges from the flames, escorting Hank and Luanne to safety. Luanne screams when she realizes the fire singed away her hair. Shortly thereafter, Chuck Mangione emerges from the building, smoldering but apparently unharmed. Hank turns to a fireman and inquires about Buckley. He learns that no one else survived the explosion. Luanne, however, is more concerned about her hair. Later, when Hank is released from the hospital, he is anxious for his life to return to normal. When Luanne is released, she announces that beauty is only temporary, and tosses away her beauty supplies. Later, as Hank and his buddies drink beer, Dale states that Buckley's death is part of a conspiracy. The next morning, Mr. Strickland phones the Hill residence, anxious for Hank's return. Strickland believes that Hank deliberately triggered the explosion in an effort to save his propane business. At dinner time, Hank discovers that he is unable to approach his backyard grill, as he is haunted by the explosion at the Mega Lo Mart. Luanne's friends at the beauty academy fashion a wig to cover her singed scalp. But Luanne hands the wig to Peggy, insisting she throw it away. Later, mourners gather at Arlen cemetery to pay Buckley their last respects. During the service, Luanne unfurls a rolled-up poster of Bobby in his underwear, and speaks out against hunger in Ireland. Shortly thereafter, Kahn delivers a poignant Buddhist story that relates to Buckley's death. But the mourners are unsure what to make of the tale, and dismiss it as a joke. Later, Peggy realizes the horrible truth: her husband is afraid of propane. She turns to a grief counselor, who concludes that Hank is really afraid of death. Hank dismisses the idea, but later, as he sips beer with his buddies, he raises the issue. Bobby overhears the conversation, and concludes that his father is still not himself. Shortly thereafter, he runs away from home. An anxious Hank hopes that Ladybird will be able to pick up Bobby's scent. Meanwhile, Kahn tires of Luanne's fixation on starving Irish children. He wonders why she does not share his remorse over Buckley's loss. Luanne enters the den, where she discovers a birthday card sent to her from Buckley. She is suddenly overwhelmed with grief. Using her hand puppets, she works through her emotional crisis and eventually dons the wig. Later, Hank finds Bobby sitting in the playground. Hank tells his son that he shouldn't obsess over death. He encourages him to relax and enjoy life. Suddenly, Hank hears and understands his own words. He then attempts to repeat Kahn's eulogy story...as only Hank Hill could. |
b: 15-Sep-1998 pc: 5E24 w: Alan R. Cohen & Alan Freedland d: Lauren MacMullan |
NOTE: This episode was supposed to be scheduled on September 8. But it was postponed due to the Cubs vs. Cardinals baseball game on FOX. |
| 37. They Call It Bobby Love |
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Bobby falls head over heels for a classmate. Hank and his friends discover an abandoned couch in the alleyway where they normally stand and drink beer. Hank and his friends are dumbstruck by the sudden appearance of an abandoned couch, sitting right in the very spot where they normally stand in the common alley. An outraged Hank telephones the City and demands that the furniture be removed. But when the City fails to respond after a reasonable length of time, Hank declares that the group should move it themselves. Before the men take action, however, Bill sits down on the soft couch. He's soon joined by the other men, who come to realize they can now drink beer, chat and be comfortable, all at the same time. As Bobby makes his way through the hallways of Tom Landry Middle School, he encounters a fifteen-year-old student named Marie, who is acting as hall monitor. Knowing he is late for class, Bobby tells her his name is "Ramon Tavares" in hopes of evading detention. Marie laughs at Bobby's ploy and sends him on his way. As time passes, Marie grows more and more enamored of Bobby's clownish antics. As their friendship grows, Marie tells Bobby that she is a vegetarian. Bobby decides to follow suit. As Bobby and Marie walk down the common alley one evening, they discover the couch. The pair sit down, and soon after, Marie pulls Bobby close and kisses him. Bobby, somewhat nervous at first, kisses her back. But suddenly, Marie breaks the kiss and walks off. The next morning, Bobby tells his parents about his new girlfriend. Bobby grows more and more infatuated with Marie. But the more he pursues his love, the more she pulls away. Meanwhile, Kahn finds Hank and his friends sitting on the couch in the common alley. He explains that it was he who abandoned the furniture, as it is rife with cat urine. But this does not faze the others, who have gone so far as to have installed beer can holders into the couch's arms. One evening, Marie stops by the Hill residence and picks up Bobby. They travel to a party, where Bobby grows sickened by the sight of Marie dancing with other boys. Marie tells Bobby that they are just friends...and are not a serious romantic couple. Bobby is devastated by the "break up" and bursts into tears. At first, Bobby tries to change Marie's mind by behaving in a clownlike manner. But when Marie continues to rebuff his advances, Bobby sinks into a deep depression. Later, Hank and Peggy take Bobby to a steak house where, as luck would have it, Marie and her parents are also dining. Bobby deliberately orders the largest steak on the menu, one that, if consumed in an hour, is free of charge. As the vegetarian Marie looks on in anger, Bobby downs every last morsel of the 72 ounce slab of beef. Marie storms off in disgust. Afterwards, as Connie looks on, Bobby doubles over and vomits. |
b: 22-Sep-1998 pc: 3ABE01 w: Norm Hiscock |
| 38. Peggy's Headache |
Peggy is shocked when she learns of the affair between Nancy and John Redcorn. Peggy cheerfully greets Dale and John Redcorn one morning as she picks up the Arlen Bystander off the street. After Dale drives off in his van, Redcorn pulls out his own set of keys and unlocks the door to the Gribble house. He covers for his action by claiming he is dropping off a healing herb to Nancy and Peggy is none the wiser. Later, Peggy is stunned to read that humorist Doyle Harcavy, whose column is published in the Bystander, is retiring. Luanne encourages her to write the column herself. Shortly thereafter, Peggy sets about writing her own musings. But Hank's constant interruptions trigger a headache. Peggy walks next door for some peace and quiet. There she finds Redcorn and Nancy together in the bedroom, but she again fails to deduce that the two are having an affair. Instead, she asks for Redcorn's help in alleviating her headache. At Redcorn's trailer, Peggy receives a well-needed massage, which causes her to relax. Her headache subsides. Meanwhile, Dale tells Hank about Peggy visiting Redcorn in his trailer. Fearing the worst, Hank warns Redcorn to stay away from his wife. Later, when Peggy announces that she was chosen to replace Doyle Harcavy, Hank assumes her headaches will be gone for good. But Peggy assures him she will be visiting Redcorn on a regular basis to help her cope with weekly writing deadlines. A frustrated Hank tells his wife about the affair between Nancy and Redcorn. Peggy gasps. Peggy confronts Nancy about her affair, referring to her as a "dirty bird." Later, Hank, Bill and Boomhauer drink beer in front of Bill's house, where they discuss the affair. Unable to find his friends, Dale drops by the Hill home, where he encounters Peggy. She compliments him on his looks and invites him inside for some pie. Mistaking the friendly invitation for a sexual advance, Dale beats a hasty retreat. A short time later, Peggy realizes she has no enthusiasm for her musings column, wondering aloud how she is supposed to appreciate the little things in life knowing Nancy is cheating on her husband. Hank and Peggy join Dale and Nancy at the baseball field. But Peggy finds she can barely contain her disgust in their presence. Afterward, Peggy tells Hank that she plans on telling Dale about the affair. Hank attempts to change Peggy's mind, but she remains determined, explaining how she cannot live her life until the secret is exposed. She uses her musings column to indirectly communicate with those who are aware of the situation, announcing her intention to expose the affair. When Nancy refuses to tell Dale the truth, Peggy pushes past her, intending to do it herself. When her indirect attempts to make Dale see the light fail, Peggy sees how truly loving Dale is to his son and realizes how exposing the truth will shatter the family. Peggy has a change of heart, and decides the matter is best left unsaid. |
b: 06-Oct-1998 pc: 5E20 w: Joe Stillman d: Chris Moeller |
NOTE: This episode is a turning point in the series' run: First of all, we see the beginning of the end for John and Nancy's affair, as the pressure finally gives in. Second, this is the first time we realize that Peggy is not as bright as once presumed, but she that is merely ego-driven. |
| 39. Pregnant Paws |
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Hank decides to breed Ladybird. Dale applies for a bounty hunter's license. Hank is aghast to discover Ladybird walking outside the house wearing a pair of his old underwear. Peggy explains that the dog is in heat. Hank decides it is time to breed the animal before it is too late. He pairs Ladybird with one of Mr. Strickland's males. Afterward, Hank and Peggy bring Ladybird to a veterinarian's office...where they are informed that the union was unsuccessful due to the dog's narrow uterus. Hank recalls a similar situation some fourteen years earlier, when he and Peggy were trying to conceive. At the time, Dr. Rubin informed Hank that he and Peggy were unable to have children due to Hank's narrow urethra, the result of years of chronic tension. But Hank receives new hope about Ladybird when two fellow dog owners fill him in on all the latest techniques for impregnating an animal. Meanwhile, Dale encounters a bounty hunter at the Arlen shooting range. Enticed by the man's stylish hat, which reads "Bounty Hunter," Dale decides to enroll in a four-hour training course so he, too, can "hunt humans." After Dale successfully completes the course, he receives his first assignment from a bail bondsman: tracking a fugitive named Jimmy Helstrom, who is wanted for a series of unpaid parking violations. As Hank spends more and more time attempting to impregnate Ladybird, Peggy grows irritable. In flashback, Peggy recalls how Hank refused to consider artificial insemination when they were trying to conceive. Instead, Hank gave up on the notion of having children altogether and did the next best thing: he purchased a puppy and named it Ladybird. Meanwhile, Dale finds his prey holed up in a remote cabin. His efforts to apprehend the fugitive fail when a pack of snarling guard dogs blocks his path. Thinking quickly, Dale dognaps Ladybird and uses her to distract the vicious canines. The ploy works and Dale comes face to face with the armed fugitive. Unfortunately, both men panic and throw down their weapons, resulting in a stand-off. Hank discovers Ladybird is missing...and finds Dale's note detailing the dog's whereabouts. Hank and Peggy rush to the cabin, where they find a dehydrated Ladybird sitting in Dale's truck surrounded by the vicious dogs. The couple has a heated discussion, during which Peggy mentions she might want another child. Hank reflects on events that transpired fourteen years earlier, and realizes the puppy relaxed him to the point where his narrow urethra opened, allowing the couple to conceive. Hank realizes that he, too, would like another child. The pair rescues Ladybird and returns home, where they roll around on the floor as they had fourteen years earlier. Meanwhile, the stand-off between Dale and the fugitive ends when they compliment each other's hats. Shortly thereafter, they retire to the living room, where they sit on the couch and watch television. |
b: 13-Oct-1998 pc: 3ABE02 w: Jonathan Aibel & Glenn Berger d: Chris Moeller |
NOTE: When Peggy warns Hank of the fugitive's guard dogs, she remarks "Nine times out of ten they go right for the crotch, and there are ten dogs." This is a restatement of a line from "Hilloween," when Bobby attempts to convince Hank that a dalmatian dog can be scary, and Peggy adds, "Nine times out of ten they go right for the groin." |
| 40. Next of Shin |
Cotton drops a bombshell when he announces that Didi is pregnant. Peggy fails her twelfth home pregnancy test, prompting her to mention a fertility specialist to Hank. At first, Hank protests, as he would rather not be nude in front of a doctor. But Peggy informs him that the entire procedure can take place using an MRI machine. Later, Dr. Bhudamanjur informs Hank he suffers from a low sperm count. As heat kills sperm, the doctor recommends several techniques to lower Hank's body temperature. Hank follows the doctor's advice, but soon suffers great embarrassment when more and more of his friends become aware of the situation. As time passes, Peggy takes another pregnancy test, but she is again negative. Shortly thereafter, Cotton pays the Hills a surprise visit...and announces that Didi is pregnant. Hank and Peggy are stunned. Preparing for the inevitable, Hank, Peggy, Cotton and Didi visit a large baby store. But Cotton's mind begins playing tricks on him, and he imagines the babies as German and Japanese soldiers advancing through the store. He tells the others he will wait outside the store until they're through. Afterward, Cotton brings Bobby to a bar and tells him about Hank and Peggy's plans for having another baby. Later, Bobby tells his father his reasons for not wanting a sibling. Their conversation is interrupted by Didi, who announces that Cotton has run off. Cotton leaves a message on the Hill's answering machine, confirming his intention to leave Didi and the newborn behind. Bobby then dials "Star69," and determines that his grandfather fled to Las Vegas. Aided by Dale and Bill, Hank sets off for Las Vegas. There the threesome visit every strip club in town, but their search is unsuccessful. Hank discovers Cotton sitting at a craps table (with the aid of a booster seat) inside a casino. He tells his father that he and Peggy have given up on the idea of having another baby, as it would upset Bobby too much. Hank then tells his father that "he wins." But Cotton insists he was never in competition with Hank to begin with...and that Hank has always been the better father. Cotton then agrees to return home. But first, Cotton insists they have a night of fun in Las Vegas. |
b: 03-Nov-1998 pc: 3ABE05 w: Alan R. Cohen & Alan Freedland |
| 41. Peggy's Pageant Fever |
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Peggy enters a beauty contest in the hopes of winning a pickup truck. But she soon discovers that her competition is more formidable than she ever imagined. Nancy Gribble informs Peggy that officials from the "Mrs. Heimlich County" beauty pageant have asked her to act as a celebrity judge. At first, Peggy wonders aloud if any mature women would really participate in such an event. But her skepticism evaporates when she realizes the grand prize is a brand new pickup truck with a 5.4 liter V8 engine. That night, Peggy asks Hank if he thinks she could win the beauty contest. Hank delicately explains that he doesn't think his wife is the "pageant type." Peggy, however, is not to be dissuaded, and she fills out the entry form. The next morning, Luanne screams with delight when she realizes she will be styling a beauty pageant contestant. The pair travel to the Arlen Hotel, where contestants mingle with their competition. It doesn't take long for Peggy to realize that many of the other women look unbeatable. Peggy approaches Nancy and compliments her on her looks. Peggy digs herself a deep hole when she states that women should be judged by their brain size, not their bra size. Nancy takes this as an insult and walks off. The next morning, Peggy and Luanne visit Mr. Strickland in hopes of convincing him to sponsor Peggy in the contest. Strickland, believing that Luanne is the contestant, quickly agrees to write a check for $2000. By the time Strickland realizes his mistake, the check has already been drafted. Later, Peggy tells Luanne she would like some highlights in her hair. Luanne is somewhat hesitant, as she missed both parts of the highlights class. She forges ahead nonetheless. When Peggy emerges from the house the next morning, her hair sports hideous orange tiger stripes. That night, Peggy tells Hank that her relations with Nancy have hit an all-time low. Hank reluctantly brings Dale a plate full of brownies in hopes of making amends. As the contest draws near, Luanne discovers a woman named Marci teasing Peggy's hair in front of a vanity table. Luanne concludes that a mistake has been made. But Peggy explains that she needs Marci's professional skills if she hopes to win. Peggy arrives home sporting a complete makeover. Hank and Bobby stare at the results, their mouths agape. Ladybird does not recognize Peggy and begins barking at her. Hank dislikes his wife's new appearance, but is careful not to say anything that might offend her. Later, Peggy is interviewed by three contest judges: Nancy Gribble, a Spanish man and an uptight older woman. The Spanish judge reads Peggy's application, and notes that she speaks fluent Spanish. Speaking quickly, he asks her a complex question regarding the information superhighway. After a long pause, Peggy responds by saying "si." As Peggy prepares to join her fellow contestants in the pageant, she suddenly worries about her hind end looking too big. With some help from Marci and Mr. Strickland, Peggy uses duct tape to fix the problem. As a stage manager directs the contestants to cross a street, the duct tape gives way, causing Peggy's buttocks to droop one at a time. A furious Peggy berates Strickland for purchasing cheap tape. At that moment, Hank pulls up in a sparkling white truck. He tells his wife that since she entered the contest to win a truck, he thought he would save her the trouble. As it turns out, the vehicle is actually his old truck, now sporting a new paint job. |
b: 10-Nov-1998 pc: 3ABE07 w: Norm Hiscock |
| 42. Nine Pretty Darn Angry Men |
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On the day after Thanksgiving, Hank attends a lawn mower focus group. Hank and his buddies discuss attending an upcoming focus group run by the manufacturer of Hank's favorite lawn mower, the Mason 1500. Hank believes that the mower is one focus group away from being emasculated. Shortly thereafter, Hank turns his attention to Thanksgiving dinner. He is thankful that his mother, Tilly, could join the family for the celebration. But Hank's happiness is short-lived: Cotton and Didi drop by unexpectedly. Hank reminds his father that according to the rotation schedule, it is Tilly's turn to spend Thanksgiving with the family. Cotton promises not to "make a fuss," but he manages to ruin the holiday nonetheless by insulting Tilly repeatedly. That night, Peggy makes final preparations to awaken in the wee hours of the morning so she can beat other shoppers to the holiday bargains. When the time arrives, Cotton, Didi and Tilly accompany the Hills to the mall. But the rubber sole on Peggy's shoe comes loose. As the shoe is being repaired, Peggy falls asleep. Meanwhile, Hank and his friends make their way to a conference room beneath the mall. There they are greeted by Jonathan Burrows, the group moderator. To Hank's disappointment, Cotton joins the group. As the focus group gets under way, Burrows pulls a tarp off of a lawn mower, revealing the Mason 5500, which resembles a futuristic concept car. Hank is aghast. Hank tells his friends that the new, yuppified machine is his worst nightmare come true. But the other members of the group are swayed by the mower's many options, such as the electric seat warmer and cup holder. Hank's anger rises when Burrows describes the 1500 model as "obsolete." Cotton agrees with this assessment, and suggests his son "trade up." Hank accuses Cotton of "trading up" Tilly for Didi. But Cotton insists he "scrapped" Tilly outright. Hank addresses the group, insisting he will not be swayed by its bells and whistles. But when Burrows asks for a show of hands, all of the men in the focus group,save Hank, indicate their approval of the machine. Meanwhile, at the mall's ice skating rink, Bobby encourages Luanne to put Buckley behind her and get on with her life. Hank decides to defend his prized mower. He addresses each of the new model's options. He tells Lane, a car dealer, that he would be paying for the mark-up out his own pocket. Lane changes his vote. Hank then addresses Boomhauer, who liked the seatwarmer option. Hank points out that Boomer always rests his beer between his legs, which would cause the drink to warm. Boomhauer changes his vote. The paranoid Dale also changes his vote when he realizes that corporate executives are observing the group from behind a one-way mirror. Hank wins more converts to his side when he demonstrates that the mower's zero turning radius can cause it to crash. Cotton is the last holdout. The old man again berates Tilly, unaware that she is observing from the other side of the one-way mirror. An angry Hank defends his mother, and threatens to ban Cotton from his home should he ever again speak of her in a disparaging manner. Frustrated, Cotton waddles out of the room. Afterward, Hank asks Tilly if she has thought about what she wants for Christmas. Tilly tells her son that he has given her enough already. |
b: 17-Nov-1998 pc: 3ABE08 w: Jim Dauterive d: Shaun Cashman |
| 43. Good Hill Hunting |
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Hank prepares Bobby for a deerhunting trip as part of his initiation into manhood. As Hank and his friends make final preparations to take their children on a deerhunting trip, Hank admits to Peggy that he has yet to purchase Bobby's hunting permit. As the conversation progresses, Hank admits he is frightened of being alone with his son, as he sometimes uncertain what the boy is talking about. Hank declares that he has one last errand to run before the journey gets under way. He drives to the county office to purchase the hunting permit. But a clerk informs him that no more licenses will be sold, due to an agreement with environmentalists. An angered Hank returns home. As his neighbors and their children head off for the hunt, Hank pulls into his own driveway and parks. Bobby creates a deer out of cardboard and uses it for target practice. Hank and Peggy notice this, and grow concerned that their boy may descend into madness if he fails to achieve manhood by killing an animal. Later, Hank encounters Eustis at Strickland Propane. Eustis shows him a brochure for a private hunting reserve called the LaGrunta Hotel and Resort. Eustis explains that he is taking his son Randy to the reserve for his rite of passage, as the company takes care of guns, permits and the like. Shortly thereafter, the Gribbles, the Souphanousinphones and other neighbors return home with their kill. Bobby begins crying, as all of his friends have shot a deer. Hank decides a trip to LaGrunta is in order. When Hank and his son arrive at LaGrunta, they are directed to a shooting stand in the woods. As the pair await their prey, an automatic feed spreader whirrs into action, and deer emerge from the forest. But Bobby and Hank realize there is no sport in killing an animal in such a fashion, and they leave the resort empty handed. On the drive home, Hank decides it's time for Bobby to try his hand behind the wheel. Bobby climbs into the driver's seat and navigates a deserted road. Suddenly, a deer bolts in front of the truck. Bobby slams on the brakes, but it is too late, and the animal dies. Hank congratulates his son, as it is a "clean kill." |
b: 01-Dec-1998 pc: 3ABE04 w: Joe Stillman d: Klay Hall |
| 44. Pretty, Pretty Dresses |
Bill becomes suicidal when the Christmas holiday reminds him of his breakup with Lenore. Hank and Peggy sit at the kitchen table reviewing their Christmas party lists. Hank tells Peggy that Bill will arrive without a date--prompting Peggy to fear that Bill will once again spend the entire party crying over Lenore. Later that day, as Hank and his friends drink beer in the common alley, Bill begins to sob. He tells the others that although he loves Christmas, the holiday marks the anniversary of his breakup with Lenore seven years earlier. Hank follows Bill home, where he finds presents wrapped with fading paper. Bill admits that he has been saving the gifts for Lenore's return. That night, Bill joins the Hill family for dinner. He raises the subject of breakups, causing Luanne, Bobby and even Peggy to experience unpleasant memories. The next morning Bobby and Peggy ask Hank why Bill is allowed to ruin their dinners. Hank explains that some twenty years ago, Bill's blocking allowed him to set Arlen High School's single season rushing record. And for that, Hank will be forever grateful. The next day, Bill arrives at the Hill home in the company of his new pet iguana, which he has named Lenore. Bill places a half-dead roach on the dinner table and watches as Lenore gobbles up her meal. That night, Peggy tells Hank that Bill is no longer welcome at the dinner table. A few days before Christmas, Hank tells his friend that he and his family are dining by themselves. Miserable, Bill borrows Hank's ladder, climbs onto his own rooftop, and then jumps. The drop, however, is only about eight feet, and he survives. Hank fears that Bill may find a more effective way of committing suicide. He devises a schedule so that Bill will be under constant watch. He, Dale and Boomhauer take turns monitoring Bill's every move in case of trouble. Bill attempts halfheartedly to do himself in on several more occasions, but he fails. The schedule interferes with Hank's much-needed rest. Hank asks Peggy if she can find a date for Bill. Peggy invites Mrs. Tobias to join Bill and the family for dinner. But Mrs. Tobias quickly concludes that Bill has gone over the edge. Hank eventually loses his patience. He enters Bill's home and begins destroying the old gifts meant for Lenore. Bill is numbed by the experience, though he assures Hank he is perfectly fine. Hank returns home, where he finds Lenore the iguana perched atop the refrigerator. Hank carries the creature into Bill's backyard, where he encounters a woman hanging clothes on a line. When the woman turns around, Hank realizes, to his horror, that it is actually Bill in a dress. Speaking in a falsetto voice, Bill assures Hank that he is actually Lenore. Hank turns and walks away, warning Bill not to show up for the party. But on Christmas Eve, Bill arrives at the affair wearing a dress, hat and necklace. Hank gasps at the sight. He then instructs Bill to leave the house at once. But Bill remains, insisting that Lenore loves a party. Just then the real Lenore telephones the Hill residence. But before Peggy has a chance to hand Bill the phone, Lenore hangs up. Bill breaks down, sobbing. The party-goers turn vicious and begin insulting Bill. Suddenly, Hank emerges from the bedroom wearing a dress. Bill runs outside, and Hank follows. Pretending to be Lenore, Hank tells Bill he no longer loves him. Bill gets angry and tells "Lenore" to get out of his life. With that, Hank removes the dress. A few moments pass, and Bill removes his dress as well. He returns to his senses, telling Hank he hit "rock bottom" for a while. With that, Hank wishes Bill a "Merry Christmas." |
b: 15-Dec-1998 pc: 3ABE10 w: Paul Lieberstein d: Dominic Polcino |
| 45. A Fire Fighting We Will Go |
Hank and his friends become volunteer firefighters--with disastrous consequences. In the present day, Hank, Dale, Bill and Boomhauer meet with the Heimlich County fire chief inside an interrogation room. The fire chief warns the men that they are all in serious trouble. As the story unfolds in flashback, Hank, Dale and Boomhauer watch as Heck Dorland drives a fire truck towards the common alley. Bill, wearing a fireman's helmet, hops off the vehicle and proudly exclaims that is now a firefighter. Heck explains to the men that the professional firefighters are on strike--leaving the city's defense in the hands of volunteers. He asks Hank and his friends if they are interested in joining. The three men, in ecstasy, run towards the truck. Later, as Peggy fixes dinner, Hank enters the house wearing a fireman's helmet. When Luanne excitedly expresses her desire to become a firefighter, Hank insists she isn't strong enough to carry a large man out of a burning building. Peggy disagrees. She demonstrates a "fireperson's carry," which allows a woman to lift a man's weight using leverage. Unfortunately, Peggy hurts herself in the process. Later, Hank and his buddies practice dousing a trash fire using a hose. Dale loses control of the hose and it flails on the ground, dousing his colleagues. Back at the firehouse, the men bask in the clublike atmosphere. There, Heck introduces Hank to an elderly man named Chet Elderson, one of the town's first volunteer firemen. Chet notices that someone unplugged his neon Alamo beer sign. Dale plugs it back in, but receives an electric shock in the process. One day, Hank and his buddies drive past the middle school, attracting the attention of Bobby and his friends. The boys want to board the fire truck, but Hank notes their muddy feet. The men decide to clean the boys using the fire hose. Unfortunately, the group strips the bolt on a hydrant, producing a geyser of water. As time passes, the men's behavior at the firehouse turns more and more juvenile. A sleepless Hank protests when Dale and Bill play ping-pong one night. But the pair ignore his pleas for quiet. Angered, Hank rises from his bed, grabs the ping-pong ball, and smashes it with his foot. In retaliation, Bill removes Hank's eyeglasses and crushes them with his foot. Angered over the crushed ball, Dale throws a hot Frito pie at Hank, but misses and strikes Bill in the face. Hank chases after Bill, who becomes stuck on the fire pole. Later that night, the men receive word of Chet Elderson's passing. The funeral turns disastrous when Hank, Bill, Dale and Boomhauer, acting as pall bearers, tumble into the open grave. Afterwards, at the fire station, Dale plugs in Chet's beloved Alamo beer sign. Hank yanks out the cord, but Dale plugs it back in. Suddenly, the station's fire alarm sounds. The men are dispatched to a fire at Goobersmooches restaurant. Just before the men hop aboard the fire engine, Bill runs to his uniform holding a roasted marshmallow; Dale discards a cigarette; and Boomhauer knocks over a tanning lamp. When the foursome arrive at the restaurant, Heck has already extinguished the blaze. But when they return to the station house, they find it engulfed in flames. The men recount for the fire chief what transpired moments before they left for Goobersmooches. Eventually, the chief concludes that the fire house blaze could have been caused by Dale's smoking, Boomhauer's tanning, or Bill's eating. But Hank reveals it was none of these. He recounts how, when he hopped into the driver's seat of the fire truck, he saw the Alamo beer sign flashing in the rear view mirror. He blames Chet Elderson for plugging in the defective sign, and for accidentally causing the fire. The fire chief accepts the story...much to Dale's relie |
b: 12-Jan-1999 pc: 3ABE11 w: Alan R. Cohen & Alan Freedland |
NOTE: This is the first time you can understand what Boomhawer is saying. |
| 46. To Spank with Love |
Peggy loses her job as a substitute teacher after she spanks an unruly student. Peggy receives a telephone call from the dispatch office. She is asked to fill in for a Spanish teacher at Bobby's school and warned of a "surprise" in-class evaluation. As the session gets under way, unruly students Dooley and Clark Peters pull a series of pranks on Peggy, causing her great embarrassment and frustration. When Peggy returns home, she shows her family the results of the in-class evaluation, which concludes she "needs improvement." The next day, Peggy takes a more proactive approach with the bullies. But Dooley nonetheless manages to pull down Peggy's pants in front of the class. Furious, Peggy grabs Dooley, places him over her knee, and gives him a spanking. A short time later, the school nurse informs Peggy that she is to report to the principal's office the next morning. Hank attempts to assure Peggy that she will not lose her job over the incident. He recalls how, as a child, he was disciplined with a paddle nicknamed "Ol' Spanky." Despite Hank's words of reassurance, Principal Moss promptly fires Peggy the next morning. Cotton spies Peggy crying about her dismissal and turns to his friend Jeter Turbeville, who disciplined thousands of students during his tenure at the Middle School. Turbeville and his fellow veterans circulate a petition in an effort to get Peggy reinstated. Shortly thereafter, the school board votes on the matter and Peggy wins back her job. But when Peggy returns to school, she brings Ol' Spanky along for good measure--much to the concern of her students. Bobby approaches his father about his mother's aggressive attitude. He explains that fear of the paddle is giving his friend Joseph nightmares. Meanwhile, word of "Paddlin' Peggy" spreads throughout town, and a local television news channel stops by the house to tape a segment on the famous substitute teacher. Peggy begins to panic when she realizes the paddle is nowhere to be found. She discovers it protruding from Dale Gribble's trash, and immediately assumes that his son, Joseph, tossed it there. Joseph strongly denies the accusation, but Peggy is certain he is the culprit. She raises the paddle over her head, prepared to strike the boy. Suddenly, Dale confesses it was he who stole the paddle. Peggy, horrified by a nearby reflection of herself, realizes she has gone too far. She returns to the school hoping to find her old self--the one who could teach children without "scaring the bejesus out of them." When a student again makes her the brunt of a practical joke, she swings a mace over her head, and then recounts how innocent people were brutally punished with just such a device during the Spanish Inquisition, even though they did nothing wrong. Later, Joseph aids Peggy in her garden, and helps spread a mulch made from chips of Ol' Spanky. |
b: 19-Jan-1999 pc: 3ABE03 w: David Zuckerman d: Adam Kuhlman |
| 47. Three Coaches & a Bobby |
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Hank's old tough-as-nails football coach takes command of Arlen High School's team, prompting Bobby and his classmates to sign up for soccer. Hank, Bobby, Bill, Boomhauer and Dale make their way along a dirt embankment beneath an old overpass on the outskirts of Arlen. Spraypainted on one end of the bridge is "Wolves #1!" Hank tells the others that the Cougars must take action. He shakes up his can of spray paint, then hands it to Bobby, encouraging him to create some Cougar graffiti. Unfortunately, Bobby drops the can, and it rolls off into the distance. Hank tells the others that what really matters is that Arlen once had a great team. In flashback, a tough-as-nails Coach Sauers grills his team, which includes Hank, Boomhauer and Bill. Hank pulls off a last-minute goal, sending the team to State. Back in the current day, Hank watches as Arlen faces off against the Wolves. As the two-minute warning sounds, Hank realizes that the team actually has a chance of winning. Unfortunately, Coach Maxwell sends Bobby into the game, this despite protests from Hank and Bobby. The decision costs Arlen yet another victory. Later, Hank and his friends conclude that old Coach Sauers would have won the game. They approach Sauers at a shoe store, where he works as a salesperson. Sauer is so overwhelmed by the offer that his eyes almost well with tears. Unfortunately, Sauers' abrasive, grueling, in-your-face style causes most of the team to defect to a nearby soccer game, which is supervised by Coach Lucas. The following day, Bobby also defects. Hank watches, mortified, as his son runs off. Hank apologizes to Sauers for the way his son quit the team. Sauers gives Hank a chance to make amends by offering him the assistant football coach position. Hank accepts the challenge. Meanwhile, Coach Lucas continues to pamper his players, lavishing them with praise for doing very little. Bobby tells his father that his team won a game without having to beat their opponents. Hank attempts to regain his relationship with his son by offering to take him to see a giant ant movie. Bobby declines, noting that the soccer player who collects the most litter gets to play goalie during the next game. Hank ends up taking Sauers to see the movie. While collecting trash along the side of a highway, Bobby sees the overpass with "Wolves Suck" painted on the side. Suddenly excited, he suggests to Coach Lucas that he and his teammates paint the bridge. Lucas embraces the idea. Unfortunately, he decides to cover up the graffiti before the Wolves have a chance to see it. Bobby begins to have doubts about the soccer team experience. A short time later, Hank discovers Coach Sauers chasing his team around a muddy practice field in his car. When the vehicle gets stuck in the mud, Hank slams his hands down on the hood, demanding an explanation. Sauers climbs out of the car and accuses Hank of losing the State game all those years ago. Hank grows angered, and uses a cooler to knock Sauers unconscious. With Sauers out of commission, Hank takes charge of the team. But on the day of the big game, the Wolves take a commanding lead. Bobby looks across the soccer field and sees his father pacing along the sidelines. He grabs hold of the soccer ball and, gaining his teammates' attention, points to the football field. He convinces them that the Cougars need their help. Hank is overjoyed when he sees Bobby walking towards him with Joseph in tow. Hank immediately sends Joseph onto the field. |
b: 26-Jan-1999 pc: 3ABE12 w: Johnny Hardwick |
| 48. De-Kahnstructing Henry |
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Hank inadvertently causes Kahn to lose his job. Kahn slowly drives his car down the common alley, creeping up on Hank and his buddies as they sip their beers. Suddenly, he honks his horn, startling the men. After trading barbs with Hank, Kahn proudly announces that he received a new promotion. The following day, Kahn drops by Strickland Propane, where he announces that he in now a systems manager. He invites Hank to join him for a tour of his workplace, Composite Analysis Incorporated, and hints about a large propane contract. Hank accepts the offer. Once inside the building, Kahn warns Hank that anything he sees inside the company is strictly confidential in nature. He then steers Hank towards a giant hangar. He opens a glass display cabinet and removes a golf driver. After placing a ball on a range tee, Kahn hits an endless drive. Hank is greatly impressed. Kahn explains that the club is made of a resilient ceramic composite, once sought after by the U.S. Army. Hank then sets up a ball and takes a swing. An ecstatic look crosses his face as the ball disappears on the horizon. Moments later, Kahn admits that his company has no need for propane. Later, in the common alley, Hank tells his friends about the club. Bill mentions the club to an Army general. A short time later, Kahn is fired from his job. Kahn tells Hank he lost his job because he leaked company secrets. Hank tells Kahn that he is at fault. Kahn claims that a severance package will take care of his family for quite some time. But at the unemployment office, Kahn discovers that the company does not have to make such payments, as Kahn violated his contract when he broke their confidentiality agreement. Humiliated, Kahn ends up taking a position at a photocopying store. But his belligerent attitude costs him his job. Desperate for cash, Kahn holds a lawn sale, placing many of his belongings on display. When Connie begins tutoring Bobby in Laotian, Hank walks over to the Souphanousinphone residence to confront Kahn. But when he enters the kitchen, he realizes that Minh has been crying. Minh tells him that her husband has no severance pay, and breaks into tears. Feeling sorry for the family, Hank decides to purchase ten Laotian lessons in advance. Insulted and humiliated, Kahn storms out of the house. Peggy blames Hank's "loose lips" for her neighbor's predicament. When she notices Minh struggling with some bags of trash, she sends Hank to help her out. Minh gratefully accepts his help--then takes advantage of Hank's generosity by asking him to perform chores around the house. When Peggy notices Hank at work, she becomes jealous and reminds her husband that they don't like the Souphanousinphones very much. One day, Hank sets off to the hardware store to pick up a compressor cable for Minh's refrigerator. During the trip, Hank notices Kahn's minivan parked outside Luly's. He discovers Kahn living out of the establishment's bathroom. Kahn vows not to return home until he has found a new job that will make his family proud. A few days later, Kahn pulls up in front of his house driving a brand new car. He proudly announces that he found a new job in Houston. He tells Minh and Connie to pack their belongings, as they are moving at once. But Minh quashes the idea. She insists that Kahn make the three-hour commute. |
b: 02-Feb-1999 pc: 3ABE14 w: Paul Lieberstein d: Klay Hall |
| 49. The Wedding of Bobby Hill |
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Hank and Peggy convince Bobby that one of his pranks has gotten Luanne pregnant. Hank, Dale and Bill see Boomhauer off as he leaves on a trip to rendez-vous with a woman he met through the Internet. Hank convinces Boomhauer that Bobby would make an excellent housesitter during his absence. He hands his son the keys to Boomhauer's house, reminding him about his responsibilities as he enters the newest phase of his life: adulthood. Meanwhile, Luanne cuts the hair of Rad Thibodeaux, a nattily dressed man who oozes self-confidence. Rad, a "self-proclaimed genius" and alleged concert promoter, easily wins over the gullible Luanne. The two begin dating. Rad brings her to an "industry party" at an apartment populated by CD store clerks and night club staffers. Soon, Bobby is also won over by Rad's charm and alleged importance within the entertainment industry. One day, as Luanne and Rad kiss near Arlen's memorial fountain, Bobby mentions that he is in charge of looking after Boomhauer's empty house. Rad arches an eyebrow, suddenly interested. A short time later, he throws an industry party for his many friends at Boomhauer's residence. Eventually, Luanne realizes that Rad never notified Boomhauer about his intentions. Angered, she ends their relationship and storms off to get her father. Hank orders everyone out of the house. He then spots Bobby sitting in a hot tub with two ladies. Several cans of beer sit on the edge of the hot tub. Hank grabs Bobby by the arm and marches him out the door. Hank and Peggy end Bobby's duties as Boomhauer's housesitter. As punishment, they take away his comedy props. A rift soon develops between Bobby and Luanne. Bobby consults Dale for help. A short time later, the boy replaces Luanne's hairspray with an air horn. Luanne reacts to the deafening blast. She retaliates by replacing Bobby's fruit pie filling with dirt. Not to be outdone, Bobby cuts holes in the seat of Luanne's pants. The pranks soon escalate until Bobby replaces Luanne's birth control pills with candy. Luanne notices the difference and decides to take action. She tells Bobby that women who don't take their pills get pregnant. A look of grave concern passes over the boy's face. Later, Luanne tells Hank and Peggy about her ruse. The pair decide they must teach their son a lesson. They continue the charade by telling Bobby there is only one thing left for him to do: marry Luanne. Hank and Peggy arrange for Bill to "marry" Luanne and Bobby in the backyard. As the ceremony gets underway, Hank escorts Luanne, clad in a wedding dress, out the patio door. Bobby's eyes widen, the seriousness of the situation growing by the minute. After the pair finish their vows, Bobby begins throwing up. A short time later, Peggy and Hank decide to teach Luanne a lesson. They tell her that, as it turns out, Bill is actually a licensed minister and that she is legally married to Bobby. Luanne becomes panic-stricken, and even more so when Peggy and Hank inform her that she must wait a year before she can finalize a divorce. After Luanne runs off, Peggy and Hank share a sneaky chuckle. Eventually, Bill becomes morose at the thought of being a single man. His emotions churning, he tells Luanne and Bobby the truth. Later, a relieved Bobby and Luanne happily enjoy their wedding cake. |
b: 09-Feb-1999 pc: 3ABE09 w: Jonathan Collier d: Jack Dyer |
| 50. Sleight of Hank |
Peggy assists a magician with a trick, then infuriates Hank by refusing to divulge the secret behind the magic. Bobby and Peggy paint puffy white clouds on a blue wall in Bobby's bedroom. Hank enters the room and beams with pride at the sight of his son hard at work. But his smile fades when he realizes that the "white blotches" are clouds. Hank announces his intention to paint the wall solid blue so it resembles a boy's room. Later, Dale hands each of his friends an invitation to his wife Nancy's surprise birthday party. Hank groans when he realizes the event is being held at Abracapasta, a restaurant that features magic acts. Hank tells his friends about his dislike of magicians, as they cannot be trusted. Despite his misgivings, Hank shows up at the party. He hands Nancy her present, then attempts to make a quick getaway. But Peggy makes him sit down. During the show, the Astounding Herrera asks for a female volunteer. He extends his hand to Peggy, and she runs to the stage, much to Hank's dismay. Herrera helps her into a large pi?ata, which is sealed shut. Blindfolded, Herrera swings a flaming pole at his target. But on the third swing, Hank grabs hold of the pole. He then orders the magician to let Peggy out of the pi?ata. Herrera responds by striking the pi?ata with the pole. It erupts in a shower of candy. Peggy, however, is not inside. Moments later, Peggy calls to Hank from her seat in the audience. Hank cannot believe his eyes. When the Hills return home, Peggy refuses to tell Hank how the trick was done. The next day, Peggy describes the trick to Bobby, telling him it was all accomplished with magic. When Bobby returns home from Sunday school, he authors a report on Jesus Christ. Peggy listens as her son reads his essay aloud. She encourages him to be more creative. Hank exclaims that he has figured out the secret behind Herrera's magic. He instructs Peggy to climb inside an empty crate so he can reenact the trick. But once Peggy climbs inside, Hank seals the crate shut. He threatens not to let her out until she divulges the secret. Peggy stands her ground. Later, Peggy and Hank accompany Bobby to church to hear his report on Jesus Christ. Unfortunately, Bobby chooses to use magic tricks to enliven his presentation. A gasp erupts from the audience when Bobby asks for "a large, wooden cross and a couple of volunteers." During the drive home from church, Hank and Peggy argue over who is to blame for Bobby's behavior. Joseph tells Bobby that his parents make up by doing something nice for each other. Bobby takes this to heart. He paints white puffy clouds on his bedroom wall, then calls to his mother. When Peggy enters the room, her face lights up. Bobby tells her that Hank must have done the painting, perhaps as a way of apologizing. Peggy approaches her husband and thanks him for the effort. Hank reacts with confusion. Bobby interrupts the conversation. He suggests that Peggy now do something nice for Hank by telling him how the trick was performed. Peggy eyes her husband suspiciously. She accuses him of painting the clouds on the wall to force her into divulging the secret. Another argument erupts. Suddenly, out of total frustration, Peggy kicks Hank in the shin. Hank kicks her back and they both erupt in laughter. When Bobby reenters the house, he realizes that his parents have made amends. Hank tells Bobby that "there are just some things you can't explain." With that, Hank, Peggy and Bobby stare at the cloud-covered bedroom wall and pick out imaginary shapes. |
b: 16-Feb-1999 pc: 3ABE15 w: Jonathan Aibel & Glenn Berger |
| 51. Return to La Grunta |
Hank suppresses his feelings after he inadvertently arouses and is attacked by a dolphin. Hank loans Luanne sixty dollars, hoping it will keep her afloat monetarily--and stop her from borrowing money in smaller quantities--for some time to come. The next morning, Hank hangs out with a group of regulars at the local hardware store. One of the customers announces that there is a job opening at the La Grunta Hotel. The establishment is looking to fill the position of golf course drink girl. When Hank returns home, he discovers Luanne selling her possessions on the curb. Luanne explains that she spent every dollar Hank gave her the previous evening. Hank convinces her to apply for the drink girl position at the hotel. Luanne lands the job, and soon discovers that lascivious, drunken golfers tip young females rather generously. So pleased is Luanne with her new job that she determines to buy her uncle a thank-you gift. She enters the La Grunta gift shop and speaks with the cashier, who recommends a gift certificate for a round of golf. That evening, Luanne presents Hank with a large, gift-wrapped box. Inside is a card for Dolphin Encounter, which allows the recipient to swim in the hotel pool with a live dolphin. Hank isn't sure what to make of the gift, and hopes it can be exchanged for a round of golf. Luanne bursts into tears and runs from the room. Hank smooths things over with Luanne and promises he will give Dolphin Encounter a try. Supervised by a trainer, Hank climbs into the swimming pool occupied by the dolphin. At first, Hank enjoys his encounter with the playful creature. He strokes its white belly, which blushes pink. Shortly thereafter, the creature attacks Hank, and then drags him underwater. Hank is pulled from the pool. The hotel director explains that Hank's display of affection aroused the marine creature, and it attempted to become physically intimate with him. Hank is horrified. The hotel management bribes Hank with free merchandise in hopes of preventing a lawsuit. Shortly thereafter, Hank tells Luanne not to discuss the incident with anyone. But Hank soon discovers that keeping everything internalized comes with a price. He cringes when bedsprings make a sound similar to the dolphin's squeal, and reacts with horror when he reels in a live fish during a boating trip. Meanwhile, at the hotel, Luanne accepts a "putting lesson" from an overly friendly golfer, and soon finds herself being groped. At first, she keeps the incident to herself. Later, however, she tells Hank and Bobby what happened. Luanne tells Hank that if she can put the incident behind her, then so can he. The next morning, however, Luanne dresses in long pants and a baggy suit so as not to encourage more unwanted advances. Eventually, Peggy senses something is wrong and confronts her husband. Hank describes the incident with the dolphin, and by doing so begins to feel much better. In fact, Hank's spirits rise so much that he also describes the incident to his drinking pals. At first, everyone laughs. But then Bill breaks down, sobbing. He confesses that he, too, was targeted by the dolphin. But the hotel "bought him off" with free trinkets. Hank gathers the merchandise he was given and returns to the hotel. He dumps the items by the pool, refusing to take a payoff. As Hank storms off, he sees a golfer stuffing money down Luanne's cleavage. Outraged, Hank lifts the golfer in his arms and dumps him into the pool, where he is attacked by an aroused dolphin. |
b: 23-Feb-1999 pc: 3ABE06 w: Jon Vitti d: Gary McCarver |
| 52. Escape from Party Island |
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Hank volunteers to drive his mother and her friends to a miniatures museum only to find himself trapped on an island overrun with students celebrating Spring Break. As Hank sips beer in the alley, he worries about his mother, who is traveling to see a museum of miniatures in Port Aransas. When the van finally arrives, Tilly explains that she and her friends, Delia, Maureen and Lillian, got behind schedule during their visit to a pancake house. Hank grows concerned. He volunteers to drive the women the rest of the way, this despite his long-time hatred of all things miniature. Hank tells Peggy that his mother only expressed interest in miniatures when "she was heading into a funk." As the group makes its way through the exhibits, Hank reacts with great displeasure when he hears the name "Lyle Neff," who is hard at work on one of his latest miniatures. When the ladies retire early for the evening, Hank hangs out at the motel bar and enjoys a beer. He befriends two college-aged men, Chad and Randy. Unbeknownst to Hank, the entire town is about to be overrun with students eager to celebrate Spring Break. Meanwhile, Bill decides to "put the moves" on Peggy now that Hank is out of town. On their journey to the miniatures museum the next day, Hank and the women encounter throngs of college kids. While visiting the museum gift shop, Tilly falls in love with a glass unicorn. Hank grows more concerned for his mother's mental well-being. Later, the group enters a tea house, which has been completely transformed to accommodate the younger crowd. Hank watches in horror as a DJ stages a wet T-shirt contest. Afterwards, Hank hails Chad and Randy when he spots them in a crowd. The boys respond by hurling water balloons. A short time later, Hank and the women pack their belongings, climb into the van and begin their journey towards the ferry. Suddenly, Tilly realizes she left her unicorn back at the motel. When Hank informs her that returning to the motel will mean missing the ferry, a verbal altercation ensues. Tilly exits the van and walks off into a crowd. Meanwhile, Bill invites Peggy to his home for a barbecue, but Peggy does not take him up on his offer. Hank loses sight of Tilly and she disappears into the crowd. He eventually ends up back at the museum, where he strikes up a conversation with Lyle Neff. Lyle tells him that women are often sad and lonely, and that miniatures are sometimes the only things that prevent them from losing their sanity. Hank recalls his youth, when his parents were in the process of breaking up, and how his mother embraced the miniatures. He sees truth in Lyle's words. When he finally catches up to his mother, Hank gives her a miniature of Los Angeles International Airport. Tilly is overjoyed. Meanwhile, Peggy, Luanne and Bobby sit contentedly on a bench and watch an Arlen ball game. Bill sits down next to Peggy and places his arm around her. Peggy responds by striking him with her large foam finger. Bill loses his balance and falls from the bleachers. Meanwhile, Hank and his mother return to the van. Lillian exits the vehicle and makes her way towards a stage. Hank grabs hold of a Super Squirter and uses bursts of water to break through the line of drunken revelers. Hank and the women then head for the ferry. Unfortunately, a giant inflated beer can floats towards them, causing Hank to swerve. The van enters the exit lane of a parking lot, where its tires are shredded by spikes. At first, Hank refuses to drive the vehicle on its rims. But when Adam Sandler descends from the sky in a helicopter singing Sloppy Joe, Hank floors the accelerator and reaches the ferry just in time. |
b: 16-Mar-1999 pc: 3ABE16 w: Jonathan Collier d: Gary McCarver |
| 53. Love Hurts and So Does Art |
Hank has some interesting privacy issues while Bobby unwittingly disappoints Connie. While hanging out at the mall, Bobby discovers a New York style deli and begins to hang out regularly when he grows to like the menu choices. The food gives him gout, which makes Connie wonder if Bobby will take her to an upcoming dance. Bobby is given a Rascal scooter and brags about his condition. Despite doctor's orders, he continues to eat at the deli, crushing and angering Connie. Meanwhile, Hank receives an invitation in the mail to a gallery where they will show a picture of his as the main exhibit. When Hank and Peggy come to the exhibit, they are horrified to learn that the picture is based on an x-ray of his narrow urethra. The episode ends with Hank successfully demanding the removal of his "portrait" and Bobby literally crawling to the Junior High gymnasium to dance with Connie. |
b: 23-Mar-1999 pc: 3ABE13 w: John Altschuler & Dave Krinsky d: Adam Kuhlman |
| 54. Hank's Cowboy Movie |
Hank sets out to direct a videotape that will convince the Dallas Cowboys to relocate their training camp to Arlen. Hank and Bobby set out on a journey to Wichita Falls to view the Dallas Cowboys' training camp. As they watch the team practice from the stands, the pair grade the players' potential for the season. After the team leaves the field, Bobby notices that a football was left behind. He and his father walk out onto field, where Hank tosses his son the ball. The pigskin smacks Bobby in the shoulder and drops to the ground. Bobby drops to one knee, and he and his father pretend that the Cowboys have won the Super Bowl. Moments later, a security guard happens by. After insulting the good name of Arlen, the guard tells Hank and Bobby to leave the premises. Later, the pair drop by a Wichita Falls propane store. Hank is horrified when one of the workers belittles Arlen and boasts of his love for the Sooners. Hank and Bobby return to their motel room, where they notice a videotape on a nightstand, courtesy of the Wichita Falls Chamber of Commerce. Bobby brings the tape with him on the trip home. By the time he and Hank reaches Arlen, Bobby's attitude toward the city in which he lives has changed. Hank takes note of this and decides something must be done to save the town. He assembles a group of his friends and suggests creation of a videotape (like the one from the Wichita Falls Chamber of Commerce) that will bring the Dallas Cowboys training camp to Arlen. Nancy volunteers to host the tape; Peggy is chosen to write the script; and Hank appoints himself as director. At first, the group goes about the project with great enthusiasm. But the process of producing the tape creates friction amongst the participants: Peggy mentions to Nancy that she drifted away from the script when she changed the word "Arlenians" to "Arlenites"; Hank makes matters even worse when he mentions Nancy's crows' feet. Nancy storms off to her trailer. John Redcorn arrives on location and, sizing up the situation, announces that he will need an hour alone with Nancy. Peggy tries her hand at hosting the tape, but her performance does not meet Hank's approval. Moments later, Nancy emerges from the trailer looking refreshed. The script calls for Nancy to feed a snake a live mouse. Nancy refuses to do so and recoils in horror when Peggy allows a mouse to run up her arm. This triggers a chain reaction that eventually allows a caged monkey to rip at Nancy's hair. Repulsed, Nancy announces her resignation. Soon after, the rest of the crew drops out as well. Hank decides that he can direct and star in the video all by himself. His efforts, however, leave something to be desired. He turns to a television editor for help, but even he cannot work miracles. Hank walks out of the editing bay, dejected. Peggy notices her husband's mood and decides to take action. She borrows home movies from her friends, and has them edited together into what she hopes will be a convincing sales tape. Friends and family gather at the Hill home to view the finished product, which features moments from their pasts. When the tape ends, the audience claps and cheers. Everyone is certain that the Cowboys will relocate to Arlen once they see the tape. But a few days later, Hank receives a letter from the Cowboys, along with a four-inch football. It states that the team has no plans of relocating in the near future. Sympathetic, Bobby convinces his father to go out for a pass. While performing a play-by-play, Bobby throws the ball. The pass is completed--and Bobby announces that the Cowboys have won the Super Bowl. |
b: 06-Apr-1999 pc: 3ABE18 w: Jim Dauterive |
| 55. Dog Dale Afternoon |
Hank and his friends drive Dale over the edge when they steal away his state-of-the-art lawn mower. Hank allows Dale to borrow his cherished riding mower with the proviso that he replace the gasoline. Unfortunately, Hank later catches Dale riding the mower to a drive-thru window of a fast-food restaurant. Hank's anger grows when Dale reveals that he abandoned the mower when it ran out of fuel near the gas station. Hank retrieves the mower and refuses Dale borrowing privileges. With his lawn mowing only half completed, Dale invests in a state-of-the-art riding mower, complete with an alarm system. Hank and his friends cannot hide their envy. Later, Hank and Bill realize that Dale replaced the gasoline from Hank's mower with soda pop. Hank vows revenge. While Dale is taking a shower, Hank and his buddies steal the lawn mower. They leave behind a message that reads, "we have your mower." Dale cries to the heavens. Hank and his friends claim not to know anything about Dale's missing mower. They then prey upon Dale's already paranoid nature by planting an oil filter on his doorstep and doctoring a photograph to make it look as if Lee Harvey Oswald is riding his mower. The pranks take their psychological toll, causing Dale to grow unhinged. Hank notices the change and begins to think it is time to return the mower. Bill and Boomhauer, however, believe otherwise. Eventually, Hank places the machine on Dale's lawn. He asks Nancy to tell him that it was all a joke. A short time later, Bill spots Dale in a college tower armed with what appears to be a gun (in reality, however, the "gun" is a wand used for spraying bugs). Bill notifies Hank and the police about the potential for trouble. Sharpshooters surround the tower. Using a public address system, a police sergeant alerts Dale that the tower is surrounded. Dale shouts down from the tower, telling the police about his wand. Unfortunately, the spray from the wand ignites, creating what appears to be a flame thrower. Scared, Dale tosses the flaming wand and tank over the side. The incident causes Dale's already fragile mental state to deteriorate even further. He then begins making outrageous demands. Hank convinces police that Dale will listen to him. He climbs the tower stairs and tells Dale the truth about what happened to his mower. Feeling betrayed, Dale concludes that Hank is not really his friend after all. But Hank manages to change his mind, and Dale agrees to come down from the tower. As the pair descend the stairs, one of Dale's gun club members takes aim and opens fire. Hank is struck by the bullet and slumps into Dale's arms. Dale is wracked with guilt and promises to dedicate his life to all things propane. But as it turns out, Hank was wearing a bulletproof vest. Dale is overjoyed when he realizes his friend is not hurt after all |
b: 13-Apr-1999 pc: 3ABE17 w: Jon Vitti d: Tricia Garcia |
| 56. Revenge of the Lutefisk |
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Bobby suffers enormous guilt after he consumes all of the new reverend's lutefisk and inadvertently burns the church to the ground. Reverend Thomason announces to his congregation that he has decided to retire, as he believes the future of the Almighty is the Internet. Replacing him will be Reverend Karen Stroup. The thought of a female minister running the parish sends chills down Hank's spine, as Thomason kept his sermon's short so parishioners could enjoy Sunday sporting events. Members of the congregation gather in the church basement to meet Stroup. The reverend brings with her a large casserole dish containing lutefisk, a Scandinavian delicacy made by baking codfish in lye until the bones grow gelatinous. Bobby is intrigued by the sound of the dish, the stench of which causes those within a ten foot radius to recoil. Against his better judgment, Bobby consumes the entire dish when no one is looking. Meanwhile, Hank's fears regarding Stroup are put to rest when the reverend turns out to be a football fan. A short time later, Bobby overhears Stroup talking about the lutefisk. Panicking, he tosses the empty casserole dish into a garbage can when no one is looking. When Bill finds the empty dish, Stroup realizes she must address the incident in her sermon. As Stroup chastises the unidentified culprit for eating all the lutefisk, Bobby's stomach begins to rumble. He makes his way to the bathroom. During his absence, Cotton offends Stroup by making sexist remarks. Cotton then makes his way to the men's room, but the offending odor from the stall (where a guilty Bobby sits on the toilet) causes him to light matches. He drops the matchbook on the floor and exits. Bobby picks up the matchbook, strikes a match, blows it out, and throws it into the garbage. When Thomason finds the men's room door locked, Bobby makes a hasty exit through a window. Unfortunately, one of the smoldering matches starts a fire, and the church burns to the ground. Reverend Stroup approaches her congregation and reminds the unidentified arsonist that although the church may be gone, the parishioners' faith remains. Bobby is so consumed with guilt that he stops eating. Stroup links the hate in the "arsonist's" heart with Bobby's fasting. She calls the boy to speak before the congregation, but Bobby's legs buckle and he loses consciousness. Shortly thereafter, Stroup tells the congregation that police found a matchbook from a Houston strip club amongst the bathroom ruins. Hank and Peggy immediately suspect Cotton. When police arrive at the Hill residence, Cotton takes refuge inside a suitcase. Cotton insists he is innocent, but police drag him away nonetheless. Bobby purchases a one-way bus ticket to Mexico. While awaiting the bus, Bobby notices Reverend Thomason typing away on his laptop. Bobby tells the reverend that he did something "really, really bad." Thomason replies that Jesus forgives him. Unfortunately, Bobby's spirits remain low, as the people he has wronged have yet to forgive him. Later, the bus for Mexico pulls away from the depot--revealing Bobby still standing on the sidewalk. Filled with purpose, Bobby makes his way to the police station, where he confesses to eating all the lutefisk and burning down the church. But Cotton will not let his grandson "take the fall," as the boy will forever be known as the "stinky man." Later, Cotton tells the congregation it was he who accidentally burned down the church. He also takes responsibility for the terrible smell. |
b: 20-Apr-1999 pc: 3ABE19 w: Jonathan Aibel & Glenn Berger |
| 57. Death and Taxes |
Despite Hank's disapproval, Peggy assists a prisoner on death row--only to realize she was tricked into smuggling drugs. Peggy receives a letter from Wesley Martin Archer, an alleged former student now on death row. In the letter, Wesley credits Peggy as being the most positive influence on his life. Peggy considers Wesley's request to pay him a visit. As a substitute teacher, she moves in and out of people's lives and never feels as if she has made an impact. Hank joins his friends in the common alley, where he disapproves of the idea of his wife visiting a prison. The topic of death row appeals to Dale, who likens executions to his work as an exterminator. Despite Hank's concerns, Peggy makes a trip to the prison, where she meets with Wesley. When she returns home, Peggy makes it her business to collect a few books, which Wesley can use to expand his mind. When Hank realizes that Peggy gave a convict personal information, he accuses her of being na?ve. Undaunted, Peggy returns to the prison. That evening, Hank's temper flares when he realizes that Peggy gave Wesley their travel version of the Guinness Book of World Records. Hank forbids Peggy from returning to the prison. Despite Hank's warning, Peggy again meets with Wesley. She uses her Boggle set as a creative approach to teaching him how to read. Wesley asks Peggy to retrieve his old Boggle set from his wife, Janette. Peggy is more than happy to help. When she returns with the set, Wesley is overjoyed. He shakes the timer with glee. The next day, he informs Peggy that the timer was destroyed during a prison riot. He asks her to retrieve another timer from Janette, this one filled with sand. During another visit, Wesley claims the "sand" fell out of the timer when the top fell off. Peggy retrieves some new "timer sand" from Janette, a brick-shaped package wrapped in plastic. Later, Wesley informs Peggy that she has been smuggling him cocaine all along. He threatens to alert authorities unless she brings him more of it. Hank, Bobby and Luanne sense that something is wrong when Peggy forgets to add meat to their Sloppy Joe sandwiches. On the verge of a nervous breakdown, she sends Bobby and Luanne to get some pizza. After they leave, she tells Hank that she was duped into smuggling cocaine into the prison. When Wesley phones the house, Hank answers. He tells Wesley that his wife will no longer be supplying him with drugs. Wesley threatens to make good on his promise unless his demands are met. When the deadline passes, Peggy receives a phone from the prison warden. She is instructed to come to the prison. Peggy assumes that she will be jailed for her mistake. She and Hank break the news to the family. They then make their way to the prison, where they meet with the warden and Wesley. The warden asks Peggy if she was smuggling cocaine. Peggy looks scared--until Wesley sniffs. Filled with confidence, she asks to see the evidence against her. Wesley dramatically places the Boggle timer on the warden's desk. Peggy looks at it and remarks that it is completely empty. Hank wonders aloud who can be trusted: his wife, or a man who decapitated someone. Wesley leaps at Peggy, but his shackles prevent him from attacking her. As there is no evidence, Peggy is free to leave. |
b: 27-Apr-1999 pc: 3ABE20 w: John Altschuler & Dave Krinsky d: Wesley Archer |
| 58. Wings of the Dope |
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Hank's friends become believers in Luanne's claim that she was visited by Buckley's angel. Luanne pays her beauty academy teacher, Mr. Kremzer, three hundred dollars for enrollment in the upcoming semester. Kremzer reminds Luanne that she must first pass a complicated hair dyeing exam before she can even begin thinking about the final semester. Meanwhile, Hank and his friends peer over a fence in the common alley, taking note of a trampoline in Kahn's backyard. Kahn had purchased the trampoline from Buckley's estate, and has since let it slowly fade into a sad state of disrepair. The men attempt to use reverse psychology on Kahn, hoping he will allow them to restore it. Ultimately, Kahn gives his consent--provided the men also mow his lawn for two months. Meanwhile, one of Luanne's exams gets under way. She and her classmates dye horse tails by dunking them into buckets. Luanne's efforts prove disastrous, and the hair on her horse's tail falls out. When Luanne returns home, she notices the men working on the trampoline. Reminded of Buckley, she sobs and runs into the house. That night, Luanne uses her chemicals to dye the hair on one of her puppets. She hears a noise emanating from outside, and wanders into the backyard to investigate. She discovers Buckley, dressed in his Mega Lo Mart smock, standing on the trampoline, a pair of tiny wings on his back. She realizes that Buckley is now an angel. Buckley and Luanne enjoy themselves by jumping up and down on the trampoline. The next morning, when Luanne enters the kitchen, her face as aglow. She announces that she was visited by Buckley's angel. In private, Peggy suspects the incident was triggered by exposure to the hair-dyeing chemicals, and is somewhat unnerved. But Hank is overjoyed, as Luanne has finally stopped sobbing. He even tells his friends about Luanne's "guardian angel." As Hank turns his attention to repairing the trampoline, he comes across a note stuck in one of the springs. On the paper is a message from Bill, who asks Buckley's angel to bring him a woman. Hank grows annoyed. He tells his friends there is no such thing as a "Buckley's angel." But it soon becomes apparent that Boomhauer and Dale also believe it. Hank storms off in disgust. He makes his way to Luanne's room, where he tells Luanne that once she passes the test, Buckley's good deed will be done and he will return to heaven for good. That night, Luanne awakens to the sound of trampoline springs. She makes her way into the backyard, where she uses the trampoline as a makeshift desk. Peggy tells Luanne that, this time, she must pass the exam all on her own. Luanne spends the night practicing for the exam by dying Peggy's hair. The next morning, as she drives to school, Buckley's angel again visits. He tells her that she will fail the test. An argument ensues, and Luanne loses control of the car, nearly colliding with a Weinermobile. Luanne's car skids into a ditch. Three girls come running to her rescue. The girls erroneously assume that Luanne is a student at the nearby Arlen Community College. Luanne collects her wits and drives to the beauty school. Meanwhile, Hank finds another note on the trampoline. He reads it aloud. The message, supposedly written by Buckley's angel, addresses Bill, Boomhauer and Dale's wishes. Hank concludes that Buckley's angel is no more. Bill takes a closer look at the note--and realizes it isn't in Buckley's handwriting. With that, Hank sprays his friends with a water hose. When Luanne returns home, she proudly announces that she has received a tuition refund from the beauty school and has enrolled in Arlen Community College. Later, Luanne says her final goodbyes to Buckley. |
b: 04-May-1999 pc: 3ABE21 w: Johnny Hardwick d: Cyndi Tang-Loveland |
NOTE: The song that plays while Luanne and Buckley's Angel jump on the trampoline is "Life in a Northern Town" by Dream Academy. |
| 59. Take Me out to the Ball Game |
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Hank is picked to coach the company's softball team, causing friction with pitcher Peggy. Strickland tells Hank that the Chamber of Commerce is forming a coed softball league. He asks Hank to act as the head coach for his company's team. Moments later, Thatherton introduces them to Mrs. Rita Bevacqua, wife of former Texas Rangers outfielder Kurt Bevacqua. Thatherton points out that "husband" falls under the category of "immediate family" (meaning he plans to put a ringer on his team). Hank informs Peggy about the coed league's "women-must-pitch" rule. Peggy declines Hank's offer to pitch for the team, as she is already a pitcher for a "serious" league. Meanwhile, at the middle school, Bobby and Connie line up to receive their copy of the new school yearbook. A page headlined "couples" features a photograph of Connie and Bobby slow dancing. Later, Bobby rides his bike to the supermarket, where Connie and her fellow Arrow Girls are selling boxes of cookies. Bobby accidentally topples a display. Katie asks Connie to send her "boyfriend" away. Connie counters that just because she and Bobby were on the "couples" page, it doesn't mean they are dating. Bobby nervously begins eating the cookies. He labels them "waxy and stale." Meanwhile, Hank realizes his team is in serious trouble. Peggy overhears a discussion between Thatherton and Coach Kleehammer. Thatherton brags that he found a female pitcher who can "get it over the plate," meaning he is having sex with her. Outraged, Peggy joins Hank's team. Her arm leads the Strickland Bobtails to victory. Hank grows jealous when everyone congratulates Peggy for the win. Tension between Hank and Peggy builds. Despite their differences, the Strickland Bobtails win game after game. During one game, umpire Boomhauer kicks Hank off the field. Hank blames Peggy for his embarrassment, believing that if she hadn't overruled one of his instructions, he would not have been kicked out. Later, Hank chastises Dale for not wanting to run too fast (he fears his hat will fall off and reveal his bald spot). Meanwhile, Bobby bakes his own cookies and sets up a competing stand near the Arrow Girls. Julie samples one and declares that they taste like mud. As another game gets underway, Hank tells Peggy how to pitch to Bill. Peggy is rattled by his interference, and even more so when he reminds her that he is her husband. So distracted is Peggy that her pitches begin going wild. She inadvertently strikes Bill in the head, and later hits him in the groin. After the game, Hank wraps Bobby in plastic bubble wrap and uses him as a practice batter. Eventually, Peggy regains control. The next day, the Bobtails face off against the Thatherton Fuels team. As the game gets under way, both Bobby and the Arrow Girls sell cookies in the stands. The girls attack Bobby and smash his cookies?all save Connie, who dares sample one of Bobby's efforts. The cookies are surprisingly delicious. She pronounces Bobby a "cookie genius." Meanwhile, as the game reaches its final inning, the Thatherton Fuels load the bases?and Bevacqua steps up to the plate. Strickland tells Hank to pull Peggy out of the game and replace her with a new pitcher. Hank, however, makes his way to the stands. He tells Bobby that taking himself out of the game?and letting Peggy pitch?is the best decision he ever made as coach. His instincts prove correct: Peggy gets two more strikes. But on the third throw, Bevacqua connects. Dale, who is playing left field without his glove, sees the ball sailing towards the fence. He removes his cap?exposing his bald spot?and uses it to catch the ball. Team Strickland wins the game. |
b: 11-May-1999 pc: 3ABE22 w: Alan R. Cohen & Alan Freedland |
| 60. As Old as the Hills (1) |
Hank and Peggy celebrate their twentieth wedding anniversary by going skydiving; Bobby drives Didi to the hospital when she goes into labor. While standing in the common alley, Hank reminds his buddies about his upcoming twentieth wedding anniversary barbecue. He mentions that Luanne is scheduled to go camping with friends and Bobby is staying with his father and Didi. As a result, he and Peggy will have the entire weekend to themselves. As the party gets under way, and guests begin arriving, Luanne receives a phone call from a friend. It turns out that her camping trip has been cancelled. Luanne asks Bobby if she can accompany him to Cotton's place, but Bobby vetoes the idea, as he expects this is the last chance his grandfather will have to spoil him before the baby is born. Later, Hank subjects the party-goers to a slide show documenting the history of his marriage, boring everyone in attendance. Later, Luanne climbs into a taxi cab, pretending to embark on her weekend journey. But in reality, she has no idea where to spend her time. Bobby also sets out on the drive with Cotton and Didi, but to his great disappointment, Cotton expects him to fill in for his pregnant wife and perform her chores. After the anniversary party ends, Peggy begins to cry. Still crying, Peggy laments that she and Hank are now old. As she watched the slide show, she realized that the young married couple (she and Hank) were unrecognizable. Hank tells her that they did themselves a favor when they abandoned all their dreams. Later that night, with no where else to go, Luanne sneaks back into the house and hides in a closet. Hank brings Peggy to the McMaynerbury hotel for a romantic dinner. Peggy orders a Singapore Sling, but Hank reminds her that if she drinks, he will have to forgo his beer. Peggy changes the order to a water and Hank has his beer. When Peggy and Hank return home, they spend the evening drinking. Realizing she will never have a second child, Peggy begins tossing away all of Bobby's baby things. She then climbs into the trash can. Hank soon follows. The next morning, the pair awaken with a hangover. They set off to get some breakfast, but along the way, decide to cure their hangover by drinking some more beer. As Hank and Peggy sit in the bed of the truck, looking up at the clouds, Peggy notices some parachutists. Peggy talks Hank into going skydiving. Meanwhile, Didi's water breaks. Bobby phones Cotton at a bar. Cotton tells Bobby he will meet his wife at the hospital, forgetting that Didi cannot drive. Left with little choice, Bobby drives Didi to the hospital. As Didi is unfamiliar with the hospital's location, Bobby makes the drive to Arlen Hospital, some two hours away. Bobby manages to get Didi to the hospital, and soon realizes that he must be at her side as she goes into labor. Meanwhile, Hank jumps from the plane and successfully parachutes to the ground, thoroughly enjoying the entire experience. But Peggy has second thoughts and remains aboard the plane. Hank radios the plane and tells Peggy about the wonderful experience. He encourages her to make the jump. A short time later, Luanne tells Hank that Didi is giving birth at the hospital. Hank relays word to his wife. At the last moment, Peggy changes her mind and decides to make the jump. But as she plummets to Earth, the ripcord comes off in her hand. She pulls the emergency ripcord, but it, too, breaks. Hank watches helplessly as his wife plummets to the ground. |
b: 18-May-1999 pc: 3ABE23 w: Norm Hiscock d: Adam Kuhlman |
|
Season 4 |
| 61. Peggy Hill: the Decline and Fall (2) |
Peggy survives her crash but is immobilized in a body cast; Didi gives birth to a healthy baby boy but has post-partum depression. As Hank rushes to the spot where Peggy landed, we see the mud in the field is extremely thick and soft. Peggy has survived her fall, but she is badly injured and must be put in a body cast. In the same hospital, Bobby cuts his uncle's umbilical cord. Peggy is elated at having survived, while Didi suffers from post-partum depression. Didi's medical insurance requires her to leave the hospital soon after the baby is born; Peggy insists on going home too to help take care of the new baby. Cotton names his new son "Hank", as he's always wanted a son with that name. When Hank protests, Cotton agrees to call the baby "G.H.", for "Good Hank", and takes to calling his first son "B.H." for reasons he doesn't explain. The baby begins lactating due to the female hormones he's been taking in, and Cotton is so appalled he won't take care of the baby. That leaves Hank and Bobby scrambling to take care of Peggy and G.H. When they run out of straws, Hank chooses to feed Peggy her Carnation Instant Breakfast from a bottle, but Hank and Bobby confuse their bottles and Hank ends up feeding Peggy baby formula. Peggy weeps at how pathetic her situation is. No one can get the baby to stop crying, and Hank goes to chastise Cotton about ignoring his son. But while everyone is outside, Peggy gets G.H. to sleep quietly by rocking his cradle with her toe. |
b: 26-Sep-1999 pc: 3ABE24 w: Paul Lieberstein d: Klay Hall |
| 62. Cotton's Plot |
While the Hills deal with the repercussions of Peggy's skydiving accident, Peggy forms an unlikely alliance with Hank's father, Cotton. Six weeks after Peggy's fateful jump from an airplane, she is finally being sawed out of her body cast and planning her triumphant return home. Unfortunately, she's not at all triumphant when it comes to walking and gets depressed by the thought of months of rehabilitation. Hank works to make the house "handi-capable," and tries his best to comfort Peggy. One morning, alone with Cotton, Peggy struggles to get to the breakfast table and falls out of her chair. Instead of helping her up, Cotton reverts into military mode and harasses Peggy into helping herself. Peggy's resistant to Cotton's tactics at first, but ultimately she ditches her traditional therapy and practically dares Cotton to help her walk again. In exchange, Peggy offers to help Cotton with his latest endeavor--getting a choice cemetery plot at the Texas State Cemetery, among his fellow war heroes. Cotton motivates Peggy with his incredible tales of valor on the battlefields of Japan, Germany and everywhere in between. Peggy gets stronger every day, but begins noticing some discrepancies in Cotton's stories--how could he have been in Japan and Germany at the same time? Angered by Cotton's betrayal, she refuses to show up at Cotton's appeal to the cemetery board, until Hank reveals a true war story about his dad. A war injury left Cotton without shins and doctors swore he'd never recover, but 18 months later, Cotton defied the odds and walked. With renewed faith, in herself and Cotton, Peggy rushes to the hearing and testifies that if Cotton Hill isn't a war hero she doesn't know who is. Although Hank thinks Peggy is pretty heroic herself. |
b: 03-Oct-1999 pc: 4ABE01 w: Jonathan Aibel & Glenn Berger d: Anthony Lioi |
NOTE: As the family walks towards Cottons alotted grave they pass the grave of Stephen Austin and Bobby asks "Is that the bionic man or the wrestler?". This is a gag about how ignorant Bobby (and children in general) are. Stephen Austin aka "The Father of Texas" was the founder and secretary of state of Texas. |
| 63. Bills are Made to be Broken |
| gs: |
Bill's high school football record--and local hero status--are threatened by a hotshot senior at Arlen High. In 1974, Bill Dauterive was known simply as "The Bulldozer." Arlen High School had never seen such a force on the football field. But now that Ricky Suggs has suited up, Bill may lose some of his glory. With Ricky only two scores away from tying Bill's career touchdown record, everyone in town catches football fever. When Ricky ties the record to the cheers of a sold-out crowd, he goes down hard during the play, landing him on the disabled list. Hank, Dale and Boomhauer worry that Bill's a little too okay with the possibility of losing his record, but Bill reassures them that Ricky is earning his place in Arlen history fair and square. Plus, with Ricky on the D.L., the record seems pretty safe. Then comes the big game with Arlen's cross-town rival. In the last moments of play, the coach puts in Ricky, who is still in a full leg brace. Hank and the guys marvel at the boy's bravery and sportsmanship. But when the whistle blows, the opposing team parts like the Red Sea and allows Ricky to limp into the end zone, and into the record books. Disgusted by this cowardly victory, Hank becomes determined to set the record straight. He discovers a loophole that will allow Bill to play one more game for Arlen High. Even though his team rejects him, and the opposing team offers no mercy, Bill wears his too-tight jersey with pride. And sure enough, "The Bulldozer" proves his worth by bulldozing his way past several tackles and dragging four opponents, the ball and himself into the end zone--re-tying the record and reaffirming his hero status. |
b: 24-Oct-1999 pc: 4ABE02 w: John Altschuler & Dave Krinsky d: Jeff Myers |
| 64. Little Horrors of Shop |
Hank teaches shop while on forced vacation from Strickland, and becomes a competitor with Peggy for Substitute Teacher of the Year. During a little vacation bonding with Bobby, Hank discovers that Bobby's shop teacher eloped, turning the hallowed shop class into little more than a study hall. But when Hank volunteers to substitute teach for free, he invades Peggy's territory and the competition heats up. Barely back on her feet, but thrilled to be back in the classroom, Peggy is initially supportive of Hank's efforts and even shares with him her sure-fire, flash card teaching method. But Hank is more at home with a band saw than a flash card, and soon abandons Peggy's style for his own down-home teaching approach. Hank's improvising and unconventional technique make him an instant hit, and Peggy begins to feel threatened. With the "Substitute Teacher of the Year" awards fast approaching, she steps up her efforts to beat her husband and win the honor for the third year in a row. She turns to Bobby for the inside scoop on what the kids really think, and Bobby reveals that Peggy is seen as an insider, while Hank "has good buzz." Coincidentally (or not), Bobby is soon busted for wearing a tool belt on campus--a clear violation of the school's zero-tolerance policy regarding weapons at school. Hank is suspended, instantly making him ineligible for "Substitute Teacher of the Year." While Hank teaches after-school shop out of the garage, Peggy capitalizes on sympathy for him by campaigning as "Mrs. Hank Hill." To no one's surprise, Peggy wins. As she positions her shiny brass trophy next to the others, Hank's shop students present him with their own handmade "Teacher of the Year" trophy (which also doubles as a clock and CD holder!). |
b: 31-Oct-1999 pc: 4ABE03 w: Kit Boss d: Adam Kuhlman |
| 65. Aisle 8A |
Kahn and Minh go to Hawaii on a business trip, leaving Connie with the Hills...and leaving Hank with major angst when Connie "becomes a woman." After much trepidation, and lacking any other options, Kahn agrees to let Connie stay with the Hills during his important business trip to Hawaii. Hank and Peggy are more than happy to have Connie as a houseguest, but Bobby starts getting anxious about having his girlfriend under the same roof. First of all, he doesn't have the appropriate pajamas! Everything seems fine during their first night of "camping out" in the living room. But Bobby is too nervous to "bust a move." The next day, Connie seems a little moody and Bobby's convinced she hates him. Peggy takes Bobby to school, leaving Hank to bring Connie, who is taking an unusually long time in the bathroom. When Connie finally emerges, she shocks Hank with the news that she's just gotten her first period. Unable to reach Connie's parents or Peggy, Hank does what any guy would do; he rushes Connie to the hospital. Unfortunately, that doesn't get him off the hook. He must still face the demon known as Aisle 8A--that mysterious aisle brimming with feminine hygiene products. Once back in the safety of his own home, Hank breaks the news to Peggy, who thankfully takes charge. Kahn and Minh rush back, while Peggy tries to explain the situation to a very confused Bobby. He's convinced it's his fault. If his hormones hadn't been so close to Connie's in the living room, none of this would've happened. Hank consoles his son by explaining that if he can hold on during the next few days, everything will eventually return to normal. So, Connie and Bobby decide to remain boyfriend and girlfriend--except for the four days a month when the sight of Bobby will make Connie want to kill him. |
b: 07-Nov-1999 pc: 4ABE04 w: Garland Testa |
| 66. A Beer Can Named Desire |
| gs: |
Hank wins an Alamo Beer contest, which gives him the chance to win a million dollars; meanwhile, Bill rediscovers his Southern roots. Who says beer drinking doesn't pay? After many a six-pack, Hank wins a trip to the New Orleans vs. Dallas game, where he can try to win a million dollars during a halftime contest. If Hank can throw a football 10 yards into a small hole in the side of a giant Alamo beer can, he wins. Or, Hank can opt to have a former Dallas Cowboy quarterback throw the football, and settle for a hundred thousand dollars. Either way, Hank gets to meet his idol, "Dandy" Don Meredith. The drive to New Orleans becomes quite a road trip when Bill, Dale and Boomhauer invite themselves along. Bill insists they stop to visit his Aunt who lives in Louisiana. They are all shocked to find not a "tar-paper shack," but the Dauterive Plantation--an impressive estate. Even more impressive are Bill's relatives, three young, beautiful women, all widowed by Bill's cousins and all desperate to hook up with Bill--the last eligible Dauterive man (except for Jean Robert, but he's not too interested in women). Bill stays with his family, taking advantage of the Southern "hospitality," while the others continue their journey to the Superdome. Even though Hank's been practicing for weeks on a giant replica beer can, he's having second thoughts about gambling on Bobby's college fund. So, there on the turf in front of millions, Hank opts for the "sure thing." He lets Don Meredith take the shot. And sure enough, Don misses. In fact, Don didn't even bother to take off his coat! A disappointed Hank tackles Don right there on the field. Afterwards, Don reveals that he too had been practicing for weeks with a giant replica beer can. And since he had practiced with his coat on, he didn't want to throw without it. Hank understands, and even though he didn't win any money, he's honored to have stood on the field with a football legend. |
b: 14-Nov-1999 pc: 4ABE05 w: Jim Dauterive d: Chuck Austin & Chris Moeller |
NOTE: Bill's relatives are played by members of the Dixie Chicks. |
| 67. Happy Hank's Giving |
Hank plans to take his family, and Thanksgiving turkey, to Peggy's mother's house in Montana. Hoping to end a long-standing dispute with Peggy's mom over the tastiness of a propane-cooked turkey, Hank packs up the family for a Montana Thanksgiving. Everyone, it seems, has a reason to head to the airport. Bill, knowing he'll be left alone over the holiday, makes up a story about picking up his uncle so he can drive the Hills. Boomhauer plans to visit his mom in Miami. Dale and Nancy are dropping off Red Corn. Even Kahn is flying his family out of town. Hank pre-cooks the turkey and plans to carry it, along with a spare propane tank, onto the flight. However, security forces him to leave the propane behind in an airport locker. Bad weather soon delays their flight, but Hank tries to keep the family's spirits up. Finally, a brief break in the weather allows them to board. Unfortunately, the box carrying the turkey does not meet carry-on requirements and Hank reluctantly checks it with the baggage. As he watches from his window seat, Hank sees his beloved turkey left on the tarmac. Suddenly, it is surrounded by the bomb squad and detonated into a million little turkey chunks. As if that weren't enough, a new storm rolls in and the flight is promptly cancelled. Now, all bets are off! Hank discovers a new flight leaving from the other side of the airport and tricks another family in order to steal their spot on the transfer bus. But he can't go through with his scheme and sacrifices his own trip so that the strangers can make it. Gathered around a small table in the terminal, the despondent Hills meet up with their friends who are also grounded, and Bill who drove back to the airport when he heard all flights were cancelled. Realizing there is still plenty to be thankful for, they pool their various snack foods, retrieve Hank's propane tank from the locker and cook up the best airport Thanksgiving ever. |
b: 21-Nov-1999 pc: 4ABE08 w: Alan R. Cohen & Alan Freedland d: Martin Archer |
| 68. Not in My Back Hoe |
| gs: |
Hank makes a new friend, which upsets the balance of things as far as Dale and Bill are concerned. Hank rents a loader back-hoe to help Bill install his new, gigantic septic tank. After a frustrating afternoon of digging up the yard and watching Dale play with the back-hoe, Hank retreats to the peace and quiet of the Mega-Lo-Mart. There, he meets a man named Hal, with whom he has a lot in common--they even drive the same model truck! The next day, Hank runs into the Hal again at the gas station and the two decide to grab a beer. As the two new friends spend more and more time together, Bill and Dale start feeling a bit ignored. They follow Hank and Hal and watch with jealousy as the two enjoy shopping at the sporting goods store and playing guitar. But the worst is when Hank and Hal successfully install Bill's septic tank, without even asking Bill or Dale for help. Dale concludes, "whoever controls the back-hoe, controls Hank," and so they head off to an abandoned pet cemetery to practice their maneuvers. Naturally, they maneuver themselves into trouble and get trapped in a giant hole they've created. In the meantime, Hank and Hal have decided to "break up," because their long-distance (20-mile) friendship just isn't convenient. When he realizes the back-hoe was never returned, Hank traces his friends' path of destruction to the pet cemetery and rescues them. He admits that Hal could never replace Bill and Dale because they are something Hal will never be--neighbors. |
b: 28-Nov-1999 pc: 4ABE06 w: Paul Lieberstein d: Shaun Cashman |
| 69. To Kill a Ladybird |
Against Hank's wishes, Bobby befriends a raccoon that promptly attacks Ladybird and Dale, creating a neighborhood rabies scare. Good ol' Ladybird may be the family pet, but she's 91 in dog years and not as much fun as she used to be. So Bobby turns to a frisky raccoon for companionship, naming his new pal Bandit and feeding it from the trash. But when Bandit wreaks havoc on Hank's workbench, the secret's out and Hank brings in the big guns: Dale, the exterminator. Dale crawls under the house to go "mano e mano" with Bandit, but Bandit escapes and lunges at Hank. Old Ladybird steps up to the challenge and follows the raccoon as it races into the neighborhood. Dale, covered in scratches, is convinced he's got rabies. He quarantines himself until Hank, Bill and Boomhauer stage a "kidnapping" and take him to the hospital. Dale escapes at a stoplight and he too disappears into the woods. Hank quickly organizes a neighborhood search party to locate Ladybird, Dale and Bandit (in that order of priority). Out in the woods, Hank and Bobby stumble upon Dale. He's stripped to his underwear, covered in mud and has been eating wild mushrooms for sustenance. The mushrooms have made Dale a little crazy, and he ties Hank and Bobby to a tree. His plan: to replace his rabies-infected blood with Hank's healthy blood. Just as Dale is about to carry out his design, Ladybird emerges from the woods, limping and growling. She distracts Dale long enough for Hank and Bobby to free themselves. As Hank and his beloved dog reunite, Bobby picks up the shotgun, aims at them and fires! He hits Bandit, who had also come out of the woods and was potentially rabid. After a brief burial ceremony, Hank promises Bobby that when the time comes Bobby can pick the next family pet. As long as it's not a raccoon, or an ostrich, or a poodle or? |
b: 12-Dec-1999 pc: 4ABE07 w: Norm Hiscock d: Wesley Archer |
| 70. Hillennium |
Arlen is struck with Y2K hysteria. Boomhauer expects the Apocalypse. Dale is secretly hoarding supplies. Even Chappy, the Christmas tree lot owner, has trimmed his life to the bare necessities. Nonetheless, Hank and Peggy believe that Millennium Mayhem is just a myth--until Peggy discovers that her computer is not Y2K compatible. Now totally paranoid, Peggy goes on a mission to print every file before New Year's Eve. Hank decides to buy her a new computer for Christmas and enlists Dale's help. Unfortunately, computers are down at the computer store, and Hank can't buy anything. He's amazed at how paranoid people have become and he's happy that Dale is so calm. Little does Hank know that Dale's basement is packed to the rafters with supplies, including two large tanks of Dale's favorite soft drink, Dew Mountain. Days before Christmas, Hank is faced with a propane crisis. The latest shipment won't arrive in time for the holidays and the shortage has sent customers into a frenzy. Hank takes the last three tanks for himself, knowing that if the propane industry can't keep up, the worst is yet to come. Meanwhile, Dale's Dew tanks have exploded, ruining all his supplies. Dale, Hank and Chappy team up to guarantee their Y2K survival. On Christmas morning, Peggy receives not a brand new computer, but an old grandfather clock--a gift Hank assures her will be much more practical in 2000. Peggy banishes him and the clock to the garage. While varnishing the clock, Hank passes out from the fumes and has a prophetic dream. In it, legendary Dallas Cowboys coach Tom Landry assures Hank that everything will be all right. When he wakes up, Hank is a new man. One who orders his wife a new computer and says to hell with the millennium! |
b: 19-Dec-1999 pc: 4ABE10 w: Johnny Hardwick d: Tricia Garcia |
| 71. Old Glory |
| gs: |
Peggy blames Bobby's "F" in English on her rivalry with his substitute teacher--until Bobby's caught plagiarizing Peggy's "musings." When Bobby's new substitute teacher, Ms. Donovan, gives him an "F" on his English paper, Peggy takes it as a personal attack from her old rival. She decides to help Bobby rewrite the essay, entitled "Why Bobby Hill Loves America." Inspired by the massive American flag hanging high above Bill's lawn, Peggy writes an "A" paper. Now that he's a model student, other students try to get Bobby to write their essays. The principal has even asked Bobby to read the patriotic paper to the entire school at an upcoming assembly. In a panic, Bobby turns to his mother for help. She resents the fact that Bobby got all the credit for her paper. In addition, she's a bit edgy because the newspaper has stopped printing her "musings." She tells Bobby he's on his own. Later that night, Bobby sneaks in to Peggy's computer room and pilfers some of her columns to give to his classmates. Meanwhile, Peggy has taken out a newspaper ad in order to continue printing her work. As fate would have it, Peggy's first printed column, "If You Enjoy Knitting, Then You'll Love This Yarn," is exactly the same as one of the seventh graders' essays. Ms. Donovan figures out the truth and Bobby confesses that he didn't write his winning essay. As punishment, Ms. Donovan wants both Bobby and Peggy to publicly apologize at the assembly, but Peggy has another idea. Peggy's plan is to steal Bill's huge flag and sneak it into the assembly room for an awe-inspiring, all-American presentation. The plan goes up in smoke, however, when her "special effects" (road flares) almost destroy the school and the flag. She and Bobby dump the battered and torn Old Glory on Bill's lawn and watch in horror when Bill discovers it. After Bobby witnesses Bill's grief, he realizes the true meaning of patriotism. His heartfelt confession at the packed assembly wins over the crowd--and leaves Ms. Donovan speechless. |
b: 09-Jan-2000 pc: 4ABE09 w: Norm Hiscock d: Gary McCarver |
| 72. Rodeo Days |
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When the rodeo comes to town, Bobby finds his calling as a rodeo clown. The Heimlich County Rodeo is heading to town, and rodeo fever has hit the neighborhood. Bobby and Dale's stepson, Joseph, practice roping Bill on his rider mower and polish their cowboy boots in preparation. At the rodeo, Bobby fails miserably when he gets roped by the cow, but is impressed by the work of the rodeo clowns. Meanwhile, Joseph excels at roping and riding and is soon accepted by the "real" cowboys. Bobby asks the rodeo clowns to let him work with them, but they only laugh, saying he's too young to handle the job. But after Bobby gives them some shrewd pointers on their tired comedy schtick, the clowns are impressed and invite Bobby to join their ranks. Totally excited, Bobby throws together a clown costume with some stolen clothes and Luanne's makeup. He tells no one except Joseph of his secret ambition. Unfortunately, Joseph's new cowboy friends don't think too highly of rodeo clowns--and Joseph begins to share their attitude. The cowboy-clown rivalry puts a strain on Joseph and Bobby's friendship. When Bill recognizes his underwear as part of Bobby's costume, Hank learns the truth about his son's rodeo dreams. Hank's disappointed that Bobby doesn't want to be a roughrider, and tells him, "A rodeo clown is just a carny who's too stupid to flip a ride switch on and off." The next day, a dejected Bobby takes a seat in the stands to watch Joseph attempt his first bull ride. Joseph gets thrown hard and the clowns run in to distract the bull. But this time, the bull flattens both clowns, leaving Joseph in mortal danger. Bobby rises to the challenge, plucking a clownish outfit from crowd members and leaping into the ring. With a gag and a fire extinguisher, Bobby distracts the bull, cracks up the audience, and makes his father proud. |
b: 16-Jan-2000 pc: 4ABE11 w: Jon Vitti |
| 73. Hanky Panky (1) |
| gs: |
Mrs. Strickland files for divorce, throwing Hank in the middle of a sex scandal...and a murder! Hank's boss, Buck Strickland, gets caught in a compromising position with a hot, young employee named Debbie by none other than his wife, Liz. Liz files for divorce and immediately takes control of Strickland Propane, putting Hank's loyalties to the ultimate test. Trying to protect his assets, Buck signs his popular barbecue restaurant, Sugarfoot's, over to Hank, much to Peggy's delight. Meanwhile, Liz gives Hank a promotion and a silver lighter engraved with Hank's initials. Hank feels torn between the Stricklands, but offers to make an "propane emergency" house call when Mrs. Strickland calls late one night. The "emergency" turns out to be Mrs. Strickland's overactive libido and sends Hank running from the house. The next day, Hank discovers a half-naked Debbie waiting for him in the back of his truck. Since he's her new boss, she wants to sleep with him. Between the stress of work and women throwing themselves at him, Hank starts smoking again! After Liz lies to Buck and says she slept with Hank, Hank decides to put an end to the whole mess. He arranges for Liz and Buck to meet him separately at Sugarfoot's--with plans for a surprise reunion. They're surprised all right. But it's because of Peggy's handiwork. She's remodeled the restaurant--now called Peggy's Sugarfoot--into a cozy, country barbecue. While Liz and Buck reminisce about their beloved restaurant, Hank slips out to meet with Debbie at her apartment, which is across from the restaurant. He's hoping to dissuade her from lying to Peggy about the truck incident. Moments later, Peggy hears a noise behind the restaurant. She investigates and discovers Debbie's lifeless body in the dumpster! |
b: 06-Feb-2000 pc: 4ABE13 w: Jim Dauterive d: Jeff Myers |
NOTE: This is the first time Debbie has a speaking part in the series. |
| 74. High Anxiety (2) |
| gs: |
All signs point to one suspect in Debbie's murder...Hank R. Hill. Hank waits for Debbie in her apartment, unaware that her dead body was just discovered across the street behind Sugarfoot's barbecue restaurant. Antsy, he asks Debbie's roommate, a guy named Gayle, if he can use Gayle's cigarette to light his own, because his own lighter isn't working. Hank takes a few hits of Gayle's "cigarette" to fire up the tip and realizes it's marijuana. In a panic, he rushes to the bathroom, and unknowingly drops his monogrammed lighter. Back at Sugarfoot's, police inspect the murder weapon. It's a shotgun inscribed with the words "Miz Liz"--the same shotgun Buck Strickland kept at Debbie's apartment. The next day, the sheriff tells Hank that due to his relationships with both Liz Strickland and Debbie, he has become their prime suspect! Hank tries to assure Peggy that there were no relationships with Liz or Debbie. But secretly Hank starts to think that while he was high on drugs, he may have blacked out and committed murder! Things turn from bad to worse after Mr. Strickland plants evidence to frame Hank, and even supplies a taped confession that he tricked Hank into giving. The confession, along with Hank's lighter found in the victim's apartment, seem to seal Hank's fate. Luckily, Gayle tells the police that he and Hank were smoking pot at the time of Debbie's murder. When Hank's asked to confirm the story, however, he's too ashamed to admit he was smoking pot, so Gayle is arrested. At a celebratory dinner, Hank can't stand the guilt and announces to everyone--including the sheriff and a Texas Ranger--that he was with Gayle, which means they're both innocent (except for the pot smoking). There's a huge outburst and everybody starts pointing the finger. Finally, the Texas Ranger explains what really happened. Debbie saw the Stricklands arrive together at Sugarfoot's and got jealous, so she planned to shoot Buck. She grabbed Buck's shotgun and hid in the dumpster outside the restaurant. After a brief fast-food run, she tried to climb back into the dumpster, but couldn't juggle the food and the gun, consequently shooting herself. Case closed! |
b: 13-Feb-2000 pc: 4ABE14 w: Alan R. Cohen & Alan Freedland d: Adam Kuhlman |
NOTE: The closing clip: "I said 'Good day sir!'"- Bobby |
| 75. Naked Ambition |
Bobby accidentally sees Luanne naked and Boomhauer accidentally gets admitted to a mental hospital. After a fun-filled day at the river, Bobby heads into the unisex bathroom and accidentally walks in on a buck-naked Luanne. Meanwhile, Boomhauer falls asleep in his inner tube and drifts downstream, all the way into the Houston sewer system. While Bobby is totally traumatized from seeing Luanne in all her glory, his friend Joseph is jealous--and wants a peek for himself! Joseph starts hanging around the Hill house, waiting for the right opportunity. When Luanne heads for her nightly shower, he goes outside to peep. Bobby chases after him and tries to wrestle away Joseph's binoculars. They happen to be standing in front of Connie's bedroom window, and she catches them red-handed. But she thinks they were peeping at her! For revenge, Connie goes out with a Laotian boy who her parents want her to marry, but has a miserable time. Later, when Bobby explains what happened, Connie is disappointed that they didn't want to see her naked. Bobby reassures her that he'd like nothing better. Bobby takes off his shirt and just as Connie is about to do the same, her parents walk in! Kahn forbids Connie to see Bobby and starts building a six-foot fence between their houses. Meanwhile, in the big city, a sunburnt and stinky Boomhauer is found wandering the streets in his leopard-print speedo. Thrown into a state hospital for "observation," he uses his one phone call to notify Dale. Dale goes on a reconnaissance mission and winds up trapped inside with Boomhauer. Not wanting Hank to find out, they turn to Bill. But once Bill gets a taste of group therapy, he has no plans to leave. Finally, the call goes out to Hank, who rescues them all--except for Bill, who is making real progress and decides to stay. Back at home, Hank discovers Bobby and Connie in a secret rendezvous atop the massive fence. Hank gives his son a hand with the ladder, and lets young love run its course. |
b: 20-Feb-2000 pc: 4ABE12 w: Jonathan Aibel & Glenn Berger d: Anthony Lioi |
NOTE: In an interview given a couple of years earlier, writer/actor Johnny Hardwick mentioned this plot as one of his favorite unproduced story ideas. |
| 76. Movin' On Up |
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Frustrated with Hank's rules, Luanne moves out. Late one night, Hank and Peggy are "getting jiggy" when Luanne tries to sneak into the master bathroom, killing the mood and infuriating Hank. He lectures Luanne about the rules, including no hot water after 11 PM and no entering the master bedroom, ever. Luanne thinks he's overreacting and that his rules are ridiculous. The next day, Bill, Dale and Boomhauer convince Hank to chip in with them to rent a vacant house on the block. Their plan is to make it their clubhouse, complete with secret knock and clever codenames. After getting Hank to agree, they break the "lock box" on the rental and start making plans for a clubhouse remodel. Hank decides that if he starts charging Luanne rent, he can put that money towards his share of the clubhouse. He's shocked to find out that Luanne has taken matters into her own hands, and has rented the vacant house with some fellow students. Luanne loves the freedom of her own place, but soon realizes that her roommates are not very reliable. They eat her food, talk on the phone long distance, don't clean up and mysteriously don't have money when it comes time to pay the bills. But Luanne refuses to lean on Hank and Peggy for help. She'd rather starve than admit she's in trouble. Meanwhile, Hank has converted Luanne's room back into his private sanctuary. Unfortunately, the guys have decided that Hank's den is now their "Plan B" clubhouse and are constantly in there! Hank, Peggy and Bobby surprise Luanne by bringing over dinner one night. She returns home from a double shift, frazzled and frustrated. It only takes one comment from her slacker roommates to set her off. After she finishes a huge lecture about respecting the rules, she is mortified that she's become Hank! Later, Hank tries to give her a pep talk, but Luanne figures out her own solution. She pays every bill then cancels all the services, making her roommates pay up or suffer. Hank finally realizes that Luanne is becoming quite the grown-up. |
b: 27-Feb-2000 pc: 4ABE16 w: Garland Testa d: Klay Hall |
NOTE: Andy Dick, Vicki Lewis and Maureen Tierney were cast members of Newsradio. This is the first time since the series was cancelled that they acted together. |
| 77. Bill of Sales |
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Peggy gets caught up in a pyramid scheme and enlists Bill's help. Having greatly enjoyed her brief stint as a restaurateur, Peggy decides to switch gears from teaching and put her people skills to better use. She unwittingly joins a pyramid scheme when she signs up with a top sales rep for Metalife--a health food company. Initially, she forces Hank and Luanne to become her sales team. However, their low turnover (Hank sold one health bar), combined with Peggy's dismal door-to-door sales, leaves Peggy feeling like a failure. Then Bill, who is always trying to impress Peggy, intercepts one of her shipments and sells the entire case on the military base. Peggy is so amazed that she makes Bill her new salesman. Her tough love tactics motivate Bill to scale new heights and he sells 10,000 units, getting him onto the Metalife Diamond Team. Peggy is a little jealous of Bill's success, but invites herself along when he wins a trip to the San Antonio Sales Conference. At the conference, Peggy learns about the Nationals--the ultimate event for Metalife's elite sellers. Determined to get there, Peggy tells Bill he needs to double his efforts. Even before the conference ends, Bill has sold 1,000 units at the hotel. Overcome with glee, Peggy heaps on the praise and even gives Bill a little peck on the cheek. The unusual positive attention sends Bill into a rage and he quits! Hank tells Peggy that the only way to get through to Bill is to be mean, because that's all he's ever known. So Peggy becomes a drill sergeant and sure enough, Bill snaps back into shape. Their re-energized team is primed for profit, but Peggy is having a hard time being so tough on Bill. He's so eager to please that he refuses to slow down even after he hurts himself lifting cases of Metalife. Unable to take advantage of him anymore, Peggy fires him. Bill, touched by her compassion, confesses that he thinks Metalife is a big scam. "Maybe," says Peggy, "but what a ride!" |
b: 12-Mar-2000 pc: 4ABE15 w: Paul Lieberstein d: Dominic Polcino |
| 78. Won't You Pimai Neighbor? |
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Bobby becomes "Little Buddha." On the eve of the Laotian New Year, called "Pimai," the Kahns have a party and invite the entire neighborhood. Also on the guest list are the prestigious Wassanasongs, whose son Chane is in constant competition with Connie. Chane has been identified by three visiting monks as a potential lama, or "chosen one." When Connie hears this, she becomes determined to beat Chane in the lama game. At the party, Chane and Connie compete for the monks' attention while Bobby and his parents mingle. The monks set up a test to see whether Chane or Connie is the new lama. They lay some articles out on the lawn: a cane, a pair of eyeglasses, some bowls, etc. One of these articles belonged to the previous lama and only he or she who possesses the great lama's spirit can identify which item was his. While Connie and Chane prepare, Bobby casually picks up the cane and begins twirling it. The monks immediately bow in honor of the new chosen one, for Bobby picked the lama's cane! No one is more shocked than Hank when the monks tell Bobby that he may be destined to become a great spiritual leader. Bobby starts meditating and peacefully solving conflicts within the neighborhood. He even takes Connie to a Buddhist Club meeting. They meditate and make out. Connie, who was initially mad at Bobby for ruining her chance to be a lama, is now proud to be his girlfriend. Hank is appalled and tells Bobby, "There will be no enlightenment in this house." He takes Bobby to see Reverend Stroup to get him back in touch with his Methodist roots. But the Reverend feels this is a great opportunity for Bobby to explore his spirituality. Meanwhile, the monks are preparing another test and Bobby is convinced he'll pass. However, Chane points out that lamas are not allowed to be married or even have girlfriends, so if Bobby's the "chosen one" he'll have to break up with Connie. The second test is just like the first: Bobby must choose from a variety of objects, including bowls, statues, a prayer drum, and an ornate hand mirror. But when he sees Connie's reflection in the mirror, Bobby chooses his girlfriend--and relinquishes his Little Buddha for love. |
b: 19-Mar-2000 pc: 4ABE18 w: John Altschuler & Dave Krinsky d: Kyounghee Lim and Boohwan Lim |
NOTE: An alternate title was "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Buddha." Also, actual Buddhist priests were used as consultants in this episode to make the story more accurate and plausible. |
| 79. Hank's Bad Hair Day |
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Hank refuses to pay his hair dues Hank decides it's time for Bobby to stop letting Peggy cut his hair and go to a real barber. Hank's been going to the same guy, Jack, for twenty years and he's ready to share the tradition with his only son. At the barbershop, Hank starts to realize Jack is getting a little senile. He spends twenty minutes on Hank's Roger Staubach cut, but doesn't actually cut any of his hair. Hank is worried because the company Christmas card photo is coming up and he wants to look good. (They take the photo eight months early to accommodate the elves' vacation schedule.) He returns to Jack's and demands a free touch-up. To Hank's horror, he emerges from the barber's chair a bleached blonde! Hank is despondent and doesn't know what to do. Bill promises to fix him up, and pesters Hank to come over to the army base. Hank resists, telling Bill that things won't be the same in the alley if Bill screws up. However, with the Christmas card deadline looming and no alternatives, Hank agrees to go. Bill does a wonderful job and restores Hank to his regular-guy look. Bill doesn't want to charge him, but Hank insists on paying. Having never had a paying customer before, Bill tells Hank he'll have the government send him a bill. When the bill arrives, Hank is shocked to discover that his army issue haircut cost $900! Outraged, Hank writes his local congressman, claiming that "wasting all that money is like buying a haircut for Saddam Hussein." Weeks later, his hair now shaggy, Hank gets a form letter from the congressman, thanking him for his concern. But after a few days, some official-looking guys present Hank with a check for $3,900--his reward for putting a stop to wasteful government spending. Not until Dale calls Hank the "Billinator" does Hank realize that he put Bill out of business. And with Bill out of action, Hank is forced to go to Peggy's stylist, Ernst. His "modern" cut, complete with Caesar bangs, gets Hank banned from the Christmas card photo. To remedy the situation, Hank uses his reward money to buy Bill's equipment at a government auction and donate it back to Bill's commander. The commander--also desperate for a good haircut--reassigns Bill to his new, top secret post as army barber. |
b: 09-Apr-2000 pc: 4ABE19 w: Jon Vitti |
| 80. Meet the Propaniacs |
Bobby hits the road with his propane comedy troupe Bobby wants to spend his summer at theater camp, but Hank insists he intern at Strickland Propane. At Strickland's annual "Grill-stravaganza," there is a near riot when Strickland sells out of its most popular grill. Bobby saves the day by launching into a comedy routine and distracting customers until the new shipment arrives. The top brass is so impressed with Bobby's schtick, they want him to put together an act and visit each Strickland dealership to boost morale. Hank is impressed with Bobby's natural comedic talent, and helps him with his routine by sharing his extensive propane knowledge. The comedy troupe, named "The Propaniacs," hits the road with a few key members: Bobby, Dale, Luanne and Joe Jack. They are a smashing success with gags like "Gas Cop," "Haz-Mat the Magnificent," and "Big Baby." Their hard work pays off when they get invited to perform at the Southwest Propane Gas Trade Show and Conference in Arlington. Hank is especially thrilled because Strickland's President, Mr. Fortner, will be in the audience. He suggests that the "Gas Cop" arrest Fortner as part of the gag. Joe Jack--who plays the Gas Cop--is a little uneasy about arresting the head of the company. The night of the performance, Joe Jack disappears and Hank steps in as a last minute replacement. Just after Hank "arrests" Mr. Fortner and drags him onstage, a drunken Joe Jack shows up in his "Big Baby" outfit of oversized diapers and nothing else. Hank and Bobby keep the gag going, but as Hank "frisks" Fortner he makes an embarrassing discovery: Mr. Fortner wears adult diapers! Needless to say, that is the end of "The Propaniacs." Later, Hank tries to keep the bond between him and Bobby alive by staging a Propaniacs Reunion at the Arlen Mall. Bobby's worried that the Arlen crowd won't get many of the propane jokes, but wants to please his dad. Sure enough, the comedy is a flop with the crowd. But when Bobby sees Hank cracking up over his gas act, he just keeps on going. |
b: 16-Apr-2000 pc: 4ABE17 w: Kit Boss d: Shaun Cashman |
| 81. Nancy's Boys |
A romantic double date with Hank and Peggy rekindles Dale and Nancy's marriage Hank goes on an unannounced service call to a local restaurant and unwittingly frees the trapped manager from the freezer. In gratitude, the manager offers Hank a free dinner for four at "That's Amore." Hank wants to invite the guys, but Peggy insists that they double date with another couple. To Peggy's dismay, Hank invites Dale and Nancy. Dale, who still doesn't know about Nancy's ongoing affair with John Redcorn, is looking forward to the night out. Nancy is upset that she has to cancel her "massage appointment" with John, but he is actually grateful for a night off. At dinner, Nancy heads straight for the bar, leaving Dale, Hank and Peggy in uncomfortable silence. Dale tracks her down and sweet-talks her onto the dance floor. Later, his smooth moves get them into the bedroom for the first time in years. The next day, Nancy confesses to Peggy that she's worried John Redcorn will find out how she "cheated" with her husband. Peggy thinks it's the perfect chance for Nancy to put the affair behind her. Dale, meanwhile, thinks that the reason Nancy has been spending so much time with John is that Dale has been ignoring her. He vows to treat her with more respect, which inspires Nancy to break things off with John. To everyone's surprise, the Gribbles start acting like a couple of newlyweds. Late one night, while Nancy and Dale sleep in each other's arms, John sneaks into Nancy's bedroom--and is shocked to find Dale there. Dale, thinking John's a burglar, hits him with a lamp and knocks him out. The next day, Dale goes to apologize and offers to help John fight the government over illegally seized Indian land. While he's there, Nancy shows up claiming to have a migraine. Dale thinks he caused the headache and insists that she start seeing John again for "treatments." John and Nancy, realizing that things between them are really over, refuse Dale's offer. Back at home, Dale tries his hand at sensual massage as he and Nancy jump-start their relationship. |
b: 30-Apr-2000 pc: 4ABE20 w: Jonathan Aibel & Glenn Berger d: Tricia Garcia |
NOTE: This is a major turning point in the series' run in that Nancy breaks up with John Redcorn. Dale is still in the dark about their relationship, which would provide fodder for future episodes. |
| 82. Flush with Power |
A drought whets Hank's appetite for politics When a local drought reaches Stage 3 of water conservation, Hank reluctantly installs low-flow toilets. He's already forbidden Bobby from taking baths and has watched his beloved lawn turn from green to brown. Kahn's lawn, meanwhile, is lush and green due to his "secret Asian watering technique." Once the toilets are installed, Hank realizes that it takes 5 or 6 flushes to accomplish what the "high-flow" toilets did in one flush. In fact, the Hills are now wasting more water than they're conserving! Hank tries to get his high-flow toilets back, but an old zoning law makes installing them illegal. When Hank brings this before the Zoning Board, the head of the board, Mr. Hashaway, tells Hank the only way to get on the agenda, is to get on the board. So Hank becomes Arlen's newest board member. He tells his friends, "Grass can't vote, but I can sure speak for it. I tell you what." Meanwhile, Bobby is sneaking out of Connie's room when he sees Kahn bribing the DWP meter reader. Kahn's "secret Asian watering technique" is to ignore the drought and use a lot of water! Bobby later bribes Kahn into letting him take baths at his house, and letting him use the front door." At his first board meeting, Hank tries to get the installation ordinance repealed, but Hashaway immediately kills his proposal - along with Dale's bid for a 12-foot, electrified fence around his property. Desperate to save his lawn, Hank scrapes ice of the side of the freezer and sprinkles it outside. Bobby decides to help. In the middle of the night, he uses Kahn's hose to soak the front lawn. The next morning, Hank is overjoyed, but thinks his freezer scrapings are responsible. The next night, Kahn catches Bobby and revokes both his bath and front door privileges in exchange for hose usage. Later, Hashaway tries to blackmail Hank into dropping the toilet issue by showing him photos of Bobby's late night water wasting. Hank punishes Bobby and re-kills the lawn using a blowtorch! When he sees Dale plotting his new fence, he discovers that Hashaway hired Dale to take the pictures. That afternoon, Bobby slips while sneaking into Connie's house and winds up eye-level with the low-flow commode. He notices the manufacturer's name: Hashaway. Armed with this new knowledge, Hank tries to get the board to reconsider. However, they are loyal to Hashaway, regardless of his intentions. Hank filibusters by reading Peggy's musings, which eventually forces the board members to use the insufficient low-flow toilets down the hall. One by one, they become frustrated with having to flush 6 times and rescind their "nay" votes. With the toilet victory under his belt, Hank resigns from politics. |
b: 07-May-2000 pc: 4ABE22 w: Alex Gregory & Peter Huyck |
NOTE: It looked like Bobby had a Bart Simpson doll in his room if I'm not mistaken. |
| 83. Transnational Amusements Presents: Peggy's Magic Sex Feet |
Peggy unwittingly tapes a video for an online fetish site When Peggy and Hank's double date with Nancy and Dale gets switched from dinner to bowling, Peggy is completely unnerved. She reluctantly goes along, and is forced to confide her shameful secret to the shoe clerk: She wears a size 16! The clerk is shocked and Peggy flees the alley in shame. Later, Peggy's getting fitted for a custom pair of bowling shoes and finds out her feet have actually grown to size 16 and a half! As she sits in her car, sobbing, another big-footed woman approaches and refers Peggy to Grant Trimble. She assures Peggy that Trimble can make her troubles go away. Peggy visits Trimble, who showers her with compliments about her "vibrant" feet. He asks her to participate in an educational film for other women with foot issues. At last, Peggy feels her feet are an asset and she is overjoyed at the chance to help other women regain their self-esteem. She spends the rest of the afternoon posing in various "foot situations." At home, Hank is impressed with Peggy's new attitude until Dale, Bill and Boomhauer call him to Bill's computer. They show him a fetish Web site called peggysfeet.com, which features Peggy's video. They explain that most fetishists will seek sick pleasure from watching Peggy stomp on eggs or walk in mud. Hank is appalled and pays Trimble a visit at his studio. Hank demands that Trimble delete Peggy from the Internet. Trimble refuses, and starts to take an interest in Hank's feet. Hank leaves in disgust and goes home to tell Peg. Disappointed and ashamed, Peggy goes to confront Trimble herself. He convinces her to break through the big foot prejudice and create a better world. Peggy sees herself as Rosa Parks, with foot videos as her bus! However, when Peggy tries to offer creative input, Trimble gets mad and blurts out the truth. Peggy's feet are ugly, ugly, ugly! Devastated, Peggy returns home, vowing to never show her hideous feet again. Hank tries to console her, but it's Bobby who winds up helping. He tells her that maybe her feet are ugly, but so what. After all, he's fat, but he's also a lot of other things like funny and nice. Peggy knows Bobby is right and begins to take pride in her unique feet. Her first order of business? Announcing over the bowling alley P.A. system that she will need size 16 and a half shoes! |
b: 14-May-2000 pc: 4ABE21 w: Jonathan Collier d: Cyndi Tang-Loveland |
NOTE: Prior to the episode's original airing, Fox set up a real-life "peggysfeet.com," and encouraged viewers to visit it via their advertising. The site later was removed, (Users were redirected to fox.com.) and Fox eventually allowed the domain name to expire. Soon later, it was registered by the proprietors of a hard-core foot fetish pornography site. |
| 84. Peggy's Fan Fair |
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Peggy accuses country star Randy Travis of stealing her song lyrics! Peggy excitedly shows Hank her letter from Randy Travis--or at least his lawyers-- regarding some song lyrics she sent to the country superstar. While he did not accept them, he did refer to Peggy as a songwriter and wished her luck with "her songwriting career." Later, at church, Assistant Pastor Larry (guest voice Vince Gill) announces that there will be a field trip to the Country Music Fan Fair in Nashville, Tennessee. Peggy soon commandeers the church bus for the 14-hour trip to Nashville--much to the dismay of all on board. At a pit stop, Bobby tries to call Connie but Mr. Souphanousinphone tells him that Connie is out with another boy. Bobby is crushed. At the Fan Fair, Bobby and Luanne reach the Brooks & Dunn booth for autographs. Dunn notices Bobby's sorry state and closes the booth to counsel him. Both Brooks and Dunn think Kahn is just "yanking Bobby's chain" about Connie. Bobby feels much better now that he and Connie are "back together." In line at the Randy Travis booth Hank and Peggy are excited to meet Peggy's "close, personal friend." However, their excitement is short-lived when Peggy recognizes the song, "This Is Just the Way God Made Me," as hers! She marches right up to Randy and punches him, shouting, "You stole my song!" Rather than press charges, Randy meets with Peggy and Hank in his trailer to sort out the situation. Peggy tells Randy that her Montana upbringing and extra-large feet inspired her to write the song. When kids would tease young Peggy, her grandma told her to say, "That's just the way God made me." Randy assures her that this isn't the first time two songwriters have used similar themes. Peggy is not satisfied, but she and Hank return to the concert. Hank goes to get a few beers and runs into Charlie Daniels in line! While he's gone, Randy Travis takes the stage and takes credit for Peggy's big feet story! Peggy is livid, but Hank thinks she's just taking credit for things that aren't hers. Meanwhile, Bobby is bringing Brooks and Dunn his mom's Apple Brown Betty pie as a thank-you, but splatters it onto the grass. Luanne convinces him to just scoop it back into the pan and deliver it anyway. Hank consults Pastor Larry about Peggy's claims, and the pastor turns Peggy in to the police! Together with Dale, Bill and Boomhauer, Peggy toilet papers Randy's trailer in revenge. When the trailer accidentally slides into the lake, they realize Randy was asleep inside! Quick-thinking Hank dives in and rescues the soaked superstar. Later that afternoon, while Hank waits backstage, Peggy arrives to present Randy with a peace offering--her Apple Brown Betty pie. She is promptly arrested, not only for plotting against Randy Travis, but for poisoning Kix Brooks--who is in the hospital! In a show of support, Hank takes a big bite of Peggy's dessert and she is absolved. Meanwhile, on stage, Randy Travis tells the audience how earlier he saved a drowning fan...Hank Hill. |
b: 21-May-2000 pc: 4ABE23 w: Alan R. Cohen & Alan Freedland d: Jeff Myers |
| 85. The Perils of Polling |
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Hank and Luanne are affected in different ways by the coming presidential election. |
b: 01-Oct-2000 pc: 5ABE02 w: Jim Dauterive |
NOTE: This episode, which aired one month before the "Bobby Goes Nuts," was intended to be a public service announcement to vote in that year's election. Apparently, it didn't work, as only 51% of all registered voters turned up to pick their president. |
|
Season 5 |
| 86. The Buck Stops Here |
Mr. Strickland gets Bobby a job as a caddy. When Hank decides he'd rather do Bobby's chores himself, he insists Bobby get a job. He asks Mr. Strickland if Bobby can work cleaning propane tanks, but that job is filled, and Mr. Strickland has another suggestion: caddy at his country club. Bobby gets in trouble at the club when he injures an official while horsing around, but Strickland comes to Bobby's defense. The two begin doing all sorts of things together, much to Hank's dismay. Meanwhile, Peggy and Minh get into a heated competition over who can donate the most blood. The coveted 8-pint donation mug is at stake! |
b: 05-Nov-2000 pc: 5ABE01 w: Norm Hiscock |
| 87. I Don't Want to Wait |
Bobby turns 13, but Joseph is the one maturing. Bobby's 13th birthday is approaching, and he visits with his grandmother and her boyfriend. She gives him little boy gifts, but her boyfriend tells Bobby that in Judaism, a boy becomes a man on his 13th birthday. Bobby returns to Arlen feeling more mature. However, everyone still treats him like a little kid, and he feels worse when Joseph returns from camp. Even though Joseph is several months shy of his 13th birthday, he has grown six inches and is physically more mature than Bobby. When they go to a restaurant, Bobby is offered the children's menu while Joseph is offered a beer. However, Joseph is having as difficult a time as Bobby. He doesn't know how to approach girls, and when Bobby tries to help him, he just gets in trouble with Connie. Meanwhile, Hank has "gotten the bug" to build coffins. His first is fairly rudimentary, but then he builds luxurious his-and-hers for himself and Peggy. When Bobby banishes them from his birthday party, they order pizza and sit in the coffins and drink beer. |
b: 12-Nov-2000 pc: 4ABE24 w: Paul Lieberstein |
NOTE: As of this episode, Breckin Meyer replaces Brittany Murphy as the voice of Joseph. This is appropriate as Meyer and Murphy worked together in the movie CLUELESS. |
| 88. Spin the Choice |
Bobby hopes one Thanksgiving will make up for all the white man's sins. Gribbles, the Boomhauers and Bill come over for a Thanksgiving turkey fry and Hank hopes that Bobby will enjoy it as much as Hank enjoyed his first turkey fry. Hank even bestows the electric carving knife on an honored Bobby. However, when John Redcorn speaks to Bobby and Joseph's class about the raping of the Native Americans' land by the white man, Bobby has a change of heart regarding the holiday. Bobby, convinced that his stupid race has ruined the lives of all Native Americans, plans a protest feast called Thanks-taking. He refuses to carve the turkey because "it's basted in the blood of the innocents." Unfortunately, his research has led him to believe the Indians were cannibals so his well-intentioned speech is totally offensive. John Redcorn is already upset over not being close to Joseph, his biological son, and so he runs off. Later, Dale brings John some leftovers but fears he might be eaten and hides in the bathroom. Hank, Joseph and Bobby "rescue" Dale and John realizes that he and Joseph could at least be friends. Having been awarded 12 acres of land in his government lawsuit, John gives the land to Dale - knowing it will eventually go to Joseph. In the meantime, Luanne tells Peggy that everyone hates her annual Boggle tournament, so Peggy invents a new game called "Spin the Choice." |
b: 19-Nov-2000 pc: 5ABE05 w: Paul Lieberstein |
| 89. Peggy Makes the Big Leagues |
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Peggy "graduates" to subbing at the high school. When Peggy makes the jump from Tom Landry Middle School to Arlen High School, she dives into the assignment with her trademark Peggy enthusiasm. That includes flunking the star football player - David Kaliiki-Alii - much to the ire of faculty, students and parents. The backlash affects Hank when the booster club goes ballistic and intimidates him into fixing the problem. Hank creates a propane work-study program for David. By giving David an "A," Hank cancels out Peggy's "F" and frees David up for the big game. Afterward, Hank is unable to deal with the guilt of crossing Peggy and he withdraws the grade at the last minute. David, on the other hand, is tired of everyone thinking he's stupid and wants to honor the school's "no pass, no play" policy. On game night, he visits Hank and Peggy for a crash course in propane and makes up the grade in time for kickoff! |
b: 26-Nov-2000 pc: 5ABE04 w: Johnny Hardwick |
| 90. When Cotton Comes Marching Home |
It's Veterans' Day in Arlen! For this year's Veterans' Day Parade, Peggy decides to update last year's Iwo Jima float with authentic war medals -- courtesy of Cotton. She and Hank run into Cotton and his family at Mega Lo Mart, and Peggy tries to sweet-talk the medals out of him, but Cotton won't have it. Later, Hank discovers his dad has moved from Houston into the Arlen VFW because Cotton's new wife and baby are too much for his military pension to support. Since Cotton won't take a handout, Hank gets him a job as a greeter at Burton's Prime Rib. However, Cotton is soon "promoted" to degrading bathroom attendant duty. The day of the parade, Peggy proudly tows her new concept: an antiwar float. Cotton, meanwhile, is stuck at work, until he sees his repossessed Cadillac "sissified" as a float. He hijacks the Caddy and goes on a driving rampage, with Hank in slow-pursuit towing Peggy's float. Ultimately, Hank catches up to Cotton, whose outburst made him realize that even though he's hit rock-bottom, he still has a family who needs and loves him. Cotton decides to take Hank's money?as payback for all the money Cotton spent raising him in the first place! |
b: 03-Dec-2000 pc: 5ABE03 w: Alan R. Cohen & Alan Freedland |
| 91. What Makes Bobby Run? |
Bobby becomes the mascot for Arlen High School. Bobby is chosen to be the mascot for Arlen High School. When he informs Hank and friends of the news, they tell him about a tradition where the rival school's band beats up Arlen's mascot when Arlen is ahead. When Arlen takes the lead in the game, Bobby runs away, disgracing the whole school. He enlists Dale's help in trying to regain his reputation by kidnapping the mascot of another school. |
b: 10-Dec-2000 pc: 5ABE07 w: Alex Gregory & Peter Huyck |
| 92. 'Twas the Nut Before Christmas |
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Bill's Christmas cheer doesn't stop with the New Year! After being alone for another holiday season, Bill gets inspired by Hank's suggestion to answer a Dear Santa letter. Motivated by his new holiday spirit, Bill decides to create his own Santa's workshop at home and spread the Christmas cheer to all of Arlen's underprivileged youth. While the rest of Arlen is taking down their decorations after the New Year, Bill refuses to let go of his newfound Saint Nick status and continues to build upon his winter wonderland. Hank and the other neighbors begin to get frustrated but feel guilty about telling Bill to stop the one thing that truly makes him happy. The turning point comes when a local juvenile delinquent, Wally, cons Bill into letting him stay in Bill's house. Wally starts throwing parties, disturbing neighbors and trashing the street. Hank vows to put a stop to it, but is withdrawn when he sees how Bill has assumed an odd fatherly role to Wally. When Wally gets Bobby drunk though, it's the final straw. Hank forces Bill to make a decision, which ends with Wally being sent to military school. |
b: 17-Dec-2000 pc: 5ABE08 w: John Altschuler & Dave Krinsky |
| 93. The Exterminator |
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Killing bugs is killing Dale! Dale is forced to reevaluate his extermination business when his lungs begin to fail from the toxins he sprays; plus, smoking doesn't help. His lack of bug killing sends Dale into a midlife crazed frenzy. He begins helping Joseph with a cockroach project, and his wife, Nancy, stops sleeping with him because he's out of work. After extensive pressure from Nancy and Hank, Dale decides to take a job with a local company that makes adhesives. His new job doesn't allow him to smoke or wear his hat and sunglasses, but it does reignite his marital flame. It doesn't take long for Dale to get promoted, though, when his boss realizes Dale's unique gift for exterminating (i.e. firing) employees. Hank and Nancy begin losing respect for Dale because of his vicious firing practices. But instead of changing, he starts getting worse, that is, until a roach problem surfaces at work. Dale figures out he can exterminate roaches by hand, without noxious fumes, and get back to the life he loves. |
b: 04-Mar-2001 pc: 5ABE09 w: Dean Young |
| 94. Chasing Bobby |
Hank's gone soft! When Hank takes his family to see a "chick flick," Hank gets caught up by the movie's father-son symbolism and breaks out in tears. Showing a little concern, but more excitement, Peggy practices her amateur psychology to analyze Hank's newfound emotions. She determines that Hank has been crying because of his own relationship with Bobby. It turns out, though, that Hank is crying because his old truck is now on its last legs and he can't seem to fix it anymore. Convinced that Hank is really hiding his feelings for Bobby, Peggy urges Bobby to spend time helping Hank fix his truck. When all rescue attempts fail to fix the truck to full working status, Bobby suggests they go to a repair shop 40 miles away that's supposed to work miracles. Hank grudgingly agrees, but when the repair shop really turns out to be a truck retailer, Hank turns right around and heads back to Arlen, now mad at Bobby. Halfway out of town, the truck stalls on some railroad tracks. The truck won't start up again and a train comes along and destroys it. Extra angry with Bobby, Hank walks back to the truck dealer blaming Bobby for the disaster. When they get there, Bobby decides to leave Hank and walk home in the pouring rain. Hank soon realizes that Bobby is gone, so he borrows a truck for a "test drive" and races through off-road terrain to find him. Hank finally catches up to Bobby; they reunite inside the new truck and bond over the beauty of all the new features the truck has to offer. |
b: 21-Jan-2001 pc: 5ABE10 w: Garland Testa |
| 95. Yankee Hankee |
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If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere? While trying to apply for a "Native Texan" license plate, Hank begins searching for his birth certificate. When he can't find it, he calls both his mother and father who begin acting suspicious over the phone. Hank then visits Cotton to find out the truth about where he was born. Cotton reveals that Hank was actually born in New York, and consequently blames Hank's mother. With his newfound birthright, Hank comes to terms with his love of bagels and his penchant for bad driving. So he decides to visit his mother to get her side of the story. It turns out that the trip to New York was Cotton's long drawn-out plan to kill Fidel Castro. Unfortunately, Hank's mother went into labor right before they could assassinate the Cuban dictator. Cotton's secret, now out in the open, re-inspires him to kill Castro. He unhatches a new plan and intends to pin the blame on Hank. Cotton and his cronies lock Hank inside the Alamo on their way to Cuba. But Hank gets inspired by his American heritage when he sees that one of the Alamo defenders was a New Yorker. He then breaks out of the fort, and stops Cotton before he can take a boat to Cuba, while instilling a true sense of Texas spirit within himself. |
b: 04-Feb-2001 pc: 5ABE06 w: Kit Boss |
| 96. Hank and the Great Glass Elevator |
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"It's a marvelous night for a moon dance?" Hank, Boomhauer, Bill and Dale all decide to take a weekend trip to Austin for Bill's birthday. While they're away, Peggy and Bobby attend Luanne's barbecue and get their first taste of real charbroiled burgers. Living off propane for so long, they finally realize what they've been missing. Back in Austin, Hank is being harassed for being the "party pooper." So when all four decide to moon the lobby of the hotel, Hank is the only one who does, and winds up mooning former Texas Governor Ann Richards. Fearing hotel expulsion, Bill decides to take the fall for Hank and meet with the governor. Instead of a reprimand, Bill gets a date and love blossoms between him and Ann. Bill and ex-Governor Richards begin making headlines, which inevitably attracts the attention of Bill's ex-wife, Lenore. When Lenore returns, Bill foolishly falls for her again and tries to hide it from Ann. Bill finally comes to his senses when he realizes that Lenore only wanted him back when he became famous for dating the ex-governor. He finally dumps Lenore, but Ann decides not to take him back. Fortunately for Bill, Ann agrees to help him seek retribution and the two become good friends. |
b: 11-Feb-2001 pc: 5ABE12 w: Jonathan Collier |
| 97. Now Who's the Dummy? |
The show must go on! Starring as the lead in the Tom Landry Middle School "Nursing Home Follies," Bobby meets an old showbiz hack with a ventriloquist dummy named Chip. The man gives Chip to Bobby, seeing a star quality that will help bring Chip back to life. Bobby gladly accepts and brings Chip home with him. At first, Hank is ashamed of Bobby for playing with dolls. But when Bobby and Chip start revealing their knowledge of sports, Hank warms up to the idea of Bobby having the dummy around. While watching sports at Hank's, Dale sees Chip for the first time and begins conjuring up suppressed memories of his childhood fear of ventriloquist dolls. Dale leaves the house and begins plotting a way to take Chip out. Meanwhile, Hank starts to get closer with Chip than he is with Bobby. Bobby is jealous, but he feels that sacrifice is the price of fame. All of Dale's plans to destroy Chip fail, so he finally kidnaps the doll himself and stuffs it in his woodchopper. Hank is furious, so he begins building a better Chip in his wood shop. Peggy is upset by Hank's insensitivity towards Bobby and reprimands him for not spending more time with his son. Hank finally comes to his senses and builds a ventriloquist Bobby instead. |
b: 18-Feb-2001 pc: 5ABE14 w: Johnny Hardwick |
| 98. Ho Yeah! |
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"The only woman I'm pimping is sweet lady propane!" - Hank Hank's boss hires a new girl, Tammi, at Strickland Propane. Hank thinks she's not very smart, but as usual, Peggy sees a girl with educational needs and offers to tutor her for her GED. While eating dinner with the family, Tammi reveals that she's been living out of her car, so Peggy offers her a place to stay in the house as well. Hank starts warming up to Tammi, though, because she pays them rent, buys them gifts and treats everyone with the utmost respect. In return, Hank decides to set Tammi up with some of the most eligible bachelors in Arlen. Turns out, however, that Tammi is actually a prostitute and has been using Hank as a pseudo pimp. Hank and Peggy are totally oblivious and continue living their lives as normal. Unfortunately for Tammi, her old pimp, Alabaster, shows up demanding she return to Oklahoma City and work for him. Hank stands up for her, but reprimands Tammi for lying. After a car chase and a standoff, Hank practically kicks Alabaster out of town and refuses to let her leave with him. |
b: 25-Feb-2001 pc: 5ABE15 w: Alex Gregory & Peter Huyck |
NOTE: This episode got a TV-14 rating. |
| 99. Luanne Virgin 2.0 |
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Luanne becomes a born-again virgin, which inspires Peggy to confess a sexual secret. After being dumped by yet another boyfriend, Luanne is despondent. Hank has her meet with the minister, who suggests that Luanne become a born-again virgin. All she has to do is attend a virgin support group, go through a revirginizing ceremony and promise to remain celibate until she gets married. Luanne agrees, and Hank and Peggy agree to sponsor her. In their first therapy session, the men and women are separated and must divulge the amount of sexual partners they have had. Hank is proud to say that he and Peggy lost their virginities to each other on their wedding night. Meanwhile, over in the women's group, Peggy confesses that she slept with one other man before she married Hank - but only to help him figure out whether or not he was gay (he was). Later, Hank sets Luanne up with Rhett, a virgin from his group. Rhett becomes so consumed with the desire to sleep with Luanne that he proposes - and she accepts. When Peggy protests, Luanne spills Peggy's secret to Hank. Outraged, Hank temporarily moves in with Luanne and helps plan the wedding. Peggy is so upset that she can't sleep, and sees Luanne sneaking out of her bedroom window. She calls Hank and the two of them catch Luanne and Rhett in the back of Rhett's van. Peggy gives an impassioned speech explaining that you can't marry someone just to sleep with him - if she'd done that, she'd never met the love her life, Mr. Hank Hill. The day of Luanne's wedding, Hank arrives at the lake to find that the wedding's been cancelled. Instead, Peggy is going through her own revirginizing ceremony. She is dunked in the lake by the minister and "reborn" a virgin. Hank is so turned on by the sight of his wife in a clingy, wet robe, that all is forgiven. |
b: 04-Mar-2001 pc: 5ABE16 w: Kit Boss d: Adam Kuhlman |
| 100. Hank's Choice |
When Bobby discovers he's allergic to Ladybird, Hank must choose between the dog or his son - and it's a tough one. Bobby's recent illness has Peggy scouring the Internet in search of a diagnosis. Finally, after painful allergy tests, Bobby learns he's allergic to Ladybird. The news does not sit well with Hank - Ladybird's devoted keeper of 13 years. Bill volunteers to take in the dog, but Hank believes that Ladybird deserves better and decides to build her an elaborate doghouse. After the emotional ribbon-cutting ceremony, Ladybird refuses to enter the doghouse. Plus, the Hill's main house is still teeming with dog dander - from the carpet to the wallpaper. Hank decides the best solution is for Bobby to move into the dander-free doghouse. Peggy is mortified, but Bobby loves having a bachelor pad. Days later, Connie and Bobby lounge on a pillow covered in dog hair, and Bobby realizes his allergy is gone. Meanwhile, Peggy feels so guilty about Bobby living in the yard that she steam cleans the entire house to make it Bobby safe. Bobby moves back, but immediately fakes an allergic attack to get back out to the yard. Back in the doghouse, he begins adopting very dog-like behavior - which starts grossing Connie out. In a last ditch effort, Hank reluctantly lets Ladybird move in with Bill so Bobby can move back in the house. Bobby feels so guilty about Hank having to give up his beloved pooch that he fakes a miraculous recovery so that Ladybird can come home. Peggy, meanwhile, moves her office out of the water heater closet and into the spacious doghouse! |
b: 01-Apr-2001 pc: 5ABE11 w: Jon Vitti |
| 101. It's Not Easy Being Green |
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Bobby becomes an environmental activist and unearths Hank's long buried secret. When Bobby's history teacher, Mr. McKay, inspires him to become more environmentally aware, he goes overboard handing out violations. Boomhauer gets one because his 1970 Cornet hot rod doesn't meet EPA standards. Peggy's busted for not recycling a battery. But the kicker is when Hank catches Bobby in the Strickland Propane dumpster - on a "field trip." Hank's violation lands him in the Tom Landry Middle School Environmental Court. During court, Hank learns that the city plans to drain the quarry and make it a landfill. Normally, Hank wouldn't care - but draining the quarry would reveal a dark part of Hank's past. In high school, Hank, Bill and Dale took Boomhauer's prized Mustang for a joy ride and Dale accidentally drove it into the quarry - with all of their letterman jackets in the car as proof. They've never spoken of the incident and Boomhauer still doesn't know the truth. The guys immediately join Bobby's efforts to stop the landfill project. When they lose the city council battle, Hank decides they only thing left to do is to retrieve the sunken car before the draining begins. That night, Hank, Bill and Dale drag up the car (and tons of other forgotten junk), but get caught by Bobby and Mr. McKay. Bobby tips off Boomhauer, who races to see his beloved car. Hank confesses everything, but winds up getting arrested as a protester. Meanwhile, Bill and Dale deny any involvement, but Boomhauer knows better. |
b: 08-Apr-2001 pc: 5ABE18 w: John Altschuler & Dave Krinsky |
NOTE: This episode won an Environmental Media Award for best use of environmental themes in a half-hour sitcom episode. |
| 102. The Trouble with Gribbles |
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Dale fights a big tobacco company and becomes a victim of their hardball tactics. Nancy Gribble hits the big four-oh and for an on-air weather "personality," that's not a good thing. When Dale whisks her away for a romantic spa treatment, Luanne is asked to fill in at the TV station during a freak hailstorm. Luanne's young, exuberant approach is a hit with viewers and Nancy is demoted to weekend weather. Dale offers to get Nancy a facelift, but lacks the funds. He devises a plan to sue a big tobacco company, claiming that second-hand smoke caused Nancy's advanced aging. In a scenario reminiscent of "The Insider," the tobacco company uses harsh tactics to get Dale to drop the suit. When Dale discovers a bugging device in his house, he starts berating Nancy as much as possible - to make their case more sympathetic. He fails, however, to tell Nancy why he's being so mean. Finally, Nancy can't take the criticism and leaves Dale. At first, Dale sees this as a great victory for his lawsuit. Ultimately, however, Dale realizes that a settlement isn't worth losing Nancy. His apology wins her back, and his efforts get her reinstated at work. |
b: 22-Apr-2001 pc: 5ABE19 w: Jim Dauterive |
| 103. Hank's Back Story |
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Hank's unique health condition threatens his ability to compete in the Durndle County Mower Races. When Dale tells the guys about the 1st Annual Durndle County Mower Races, Hank, Bill and Boomhauer decide to throw their mowers into the ring and compete. Meanwhile, Hank's back goes out again and Peggy begs him to see a doctor. When he finally gives in, he is shocked to discover his true ailment. Hank suffers from a genetic disorder called Diminished Gluteal Syndrome (DGS). Basically, Hank has no butt and it puts added stress on his spine. With the aid of an orthogluteal (i.e. fake butt), Hank is ready to resume his mower training. However, the guys soon learn of his "condition" and Hank becomes the butt of their childish gags - which culminate with his silicone cheeks suspended from the electrical line. Hank gives up on the mower race until Peggy tricks him into attending a DGS support meeting. Once his confidence returns, Hank is back in the race - and ready to kick mower butt! |
b: 06-May-2001 pc: 5ABE17 w: Alan R. Cohen & Alan Freedland |
NOTE: This episode marks the first appearance of Octavio, Dale's henchman. |
| 104. Kidney Boy and Hamster Girl: A Love Story |
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Bobby gets caught up in Arlen High School's quest to get No Doubt to play their prom. Through a series of mishaps, Bobby is mistaken for a freshman at Arlen High School. He delights in the joys of high school, such as better cafeteria food and bragging rights at the middle school. When he joins in the school's competition to get the band No Doubt to play their prom, Bobby's popularity soars. His popularity with Connie, however, plummets. Bobby's so caught up in his web of deception - he told some seniors that he has a bad kidney, earning him the nickname Kidney Boy - that he forgets to buy tickets to the middle school prom. Connie is so mad she's agrees to go with Joseph, but not before Bobby has the high schoolers convinced that she has a hamster-like tail. When Bobby defends Connie and Joseph from a barrage of water balloons thrown by upper-classmen, he reveals his true identity. However, No Doubt is so sympathetic to Kidney Boy's "condition" that the high school bullies need him to show up to prom in order to get No Doubt to play. |
b: 13-May-2001 pc: 5ABE22 w: Garland Testa |
NOTE: "Lupes Revenge" was originally intended to air as the season finale, and was even featured in the TV Guide ad. But instead, a different episode, titled "Kidney Boy and Hamster Girl", aired in its place. |
|
Season 6 |
| 105. Bobby Goes Nuts |
The episode opens innocently enough with Bobby's girlfriend Connie inviting him over to add some spark to her dying slumber party. But after Bobby's beaten up by a crasher, Hank urges him to enroll in a boxing class at the Y. That class is full, so Bobby enrolls in the next best thing: women's self-defense. There, he quickly masters the technique of targeting an attacker below the belt (while yelling "That's my purse!"). Armed with this training, Bobby makes sure that his next encounter with that crasher has a different outcome. And Hank couldn't be more proud---until he learns the secret of Bobby's success. |
b: 11-Nov-2001 pc: 5ABE24 w: Norm Hiscock |
| 106. The Substitute Spanish Prisoner |
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When Peggy falters while substitute teaching a math class, she begins to question her intelligence. She and Bobby find a site on the Internet that offers a free I.Q. test. Peggy passes with flying colors, and achieves genius status. Soon after, she receives an invitation to attend a seminar exclusively for "The 150 Smartest People in Texas." If she attends, she'll be able to purchase a registry that will contain her name as one of the hundred and fifty smartest folks. At the seminar, Peggy is offered the chance to earn her PhD on tape for only nine hundred dollars. She is hesitant at first, but the lure of being called Dr. Peggy overwhelms her. She uses Hank's retirement/RV money to purchase the tapes. Hank, who already thought the whole seminar was shady, is now convinced it is a scam. Not to mention, his RV money is gone! His point is proven when Luanne takes the I.Q. test and also scores at genius level. Distraught over being duped, Peggy goes on a personal quest to retrieve her money. With help from her fellow "doctors," she plots a master con that refunds everyone's cash. (Maybe she really is a genius!) |
b: 02-Dec-2001 pc: 5ABE21 w: Etan Cohen d: Kyounghee Lim , Boowan Lim |
| 107. Soldier of Misfortune |
When Dale accidently shoots a cash register at his gun club while telling a story. The club wants to elect Mad Dog for president. Because this he becomes depressed, which is why Hank sends him on a mission a moron could do, under the name of Mr. Big. He fails to do this then he thinks Mr. Big is Mad Dog, so he Hank, Dale Bill, and Boomhauer go to the Gun Club lunch. They are captured, so Dale calls CIA to get them, the CIA shows up in a flower truck. Then, when the gun club decides to re-elect him as preseident, he tells the CIA nothings wrong. |
b: 09-Dec-2001 pc: 6ABE02 w: J.B. Cook |
| 108. Lupe's Revenge |
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When Peggy has take the Spanish club on a field trip to Mexico, she accidently brings a Mexican girl, Lupe home. Then, when she brings her back to Mexico she is arrested. Then she calls Hank and tells him to get down to Mexico. He arrives during the trial, and has Peggy's court-appointed attourney to have Peggy take the stand, and explain what happened in Spanish. After they see that she isn't fluent in Spanish, she is found not guilty. |
b: 12-Dec-2001 pc: 5ABE13 w: Dean Young |
NOTE: This episode was produced in, and was originally supposed to air in, season 5. |
| 109. The Father, the Son and J.C. |
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Mr. Strickland asks Hank to build a house for a new family (the Niefcos). Then, Mr. Strickland promotes him to manager, but when he tells Mr. Strickland he loves him, he gets demoted back to assitant manager. After being un-invited to Cotton's Christmas dinner, Hank then finds out from Didi that Cotton wants Hank to tell him he loves him. Then, Cotton shows up at their Christmas dinner with the Niefcos and Hank tells Cotton he hates him. After that, Bobby meats Jimmy Carter (who he thinks is Jesus) and he has him talk to Cotton and Hank seperately. When they both tell him they would not like a universe when the other one doesn't exist they make up. And Hank and Cotton tell Bobby who the man was. |
b: 16-Dec-2001 pc: 6ABE04 w: Etan Cohen d: Tricia Garcia |
| 110. Father of the Bribe |
While Connie is practicing the violin for recital, Bobby convinces her to play hooky and sneak out to play video games. When Connie flubs her routine at the recital, her humiliated father tells Bobby that he's holding Connie back. Bobby refuses to leave her alone, but then Kahn bribes him to stay away. Bobby tells Connie about the bribe but she tells Bobby to keep the money and they'll pretend to be broken up. While in health class, Bobby and Connie trade notes expressing how they are so bored that they could "kill" themselves. The teacher finds one note and shows it to the principal, who suspects that the teenagers are suicidal. Kahn, riddled with guilt tells Bobby that he should spend more time with Connie. Connie has tired of Bobby though and ultimately breaks up, realizing that they can still be friends. |
b: 06-Jan-2002 pc: 6ABE06 w: Dean Young d: Cyndi Tang-Loveland |
NOTE: The scene from the storyboard where Connie fails at her recital was not included in the episode. Instead, Kahn caught Bobby with Connie and chased Bobby out. |
| 111. I'm with Cupid |
Bobby adjusts to his breakup with Connie, until Bill's depressing experiences break his spirit. So Hank sends him to ladies' man Boomhauer. |
b: 10-Feb-2002 pc: 6ABE09 w: John Altschuler , Dave Krinsky |
NOTE: An episode of "The Simpsons", which airs on the same network and the same night as "King of the Hill", was also named "I'm with Cupid" |
| 112. Torch Song Hillogy |
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Peggy nominates Bobby to carry the Olympic torch through Arlen, but it's Hank who wins the honor---and bungles it. |
b: 17-Feb-2002 pc: 6ABE12 w: Emily Spivey |
NOTE: This episode originally contained a subplot about Luanne becoming an auxiliary police officer. It was cut prior to airing, due to lack of time. |
| 113. Joust like a Woman |
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Peggy stirs up rebellion among female workers at a Renaissance Faire where Hank is trying to land a big account. |
b: 24-Feb-2002 pc: 6ABE03 w: Garland Testa d: Dominic Polcino |
| 114. The Bluegrass is Always Greener |
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Khan continues to press Connie to play classical music with her violin and live out his dream of becoming a famous concert violinist. She gets resentful however, and begins playing bluegrass with Hank and the boys. Bluegrass helps Connie re-find her love of violin and Hank, Dale, Boomhauer and Connie form a bluegrass band. When they see a contest is taking place in Branson, MO., Hank books them a spot. In Branson, Hank becomes more like Kahn and pressures Connie into practicing all the time. Because of the pressure, Connie quits the band and Bobby goes with her. Bobby is also disenfranchised when Hank doesn't think his Yakov Smirnoff jokes are funny. Kahn figures out that Connie is in Branson and not in Ft. Worth where she's supposed to be auditioning for a music school. He and Hank go after Connie and Bobby and both realize that they've been too hard on their kids and should let them pursue their own hopes and dreams. |
b: 03-Mar-2002 pc: 6ABE14 w: Norm Hiscock d: Tricia Garcia |
NOTE: A week after the airing of this episode The Simpsons also went to Branson in the episode "The Old Man and the Key." |
| 115. Unfortunate Son |
VFW no longer has enough living members to pay dues so it is forced to close down. In an attempt to get Cotton off his hands, Hank tries to get the WWII vets to allow the Vietnam vets in the VFW. The problem is that the two different groups of war vets have a long history of animosity towards each other; the WWII vets think the Vietnam vets lost the war and the Vietnam vets just want acceptance. Hank begrudgingly allows Cotton to stay with him and as a result forges a strange bond that never existed before. |
b: 10-Mar-2002 pc: 5ABE20 |
| 116. Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret Hill |
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Unable to find a full-time teaching job, Peggy pretends to be a nun to land a position at a Catholic school, ending her budding career at Strickland Propane. |
b: 17-Mar-2002 pc: 6ABE07 |
NOTE: Accoring to the original story on Fox.com, the original ending was for Peggy to learn about Catholicism from Bill and teach it to the Catholic students, then leave without revealing her identity. But the ending was changed prior to the airing of the episode to one in which Peggy comes clean. |
| 117. Tankin' it to the Streets |
After learning the Army used him as a guinea pig for an experimental drug, Bill gets drunk and steals a tank. And it's up to his friends to try to return it. |
b: 31-Mar-2002 pc: 6ABE10 w: Alan R. Cohen , Alan Freedland |
| 118. Of Mice and Little Green Men |
When Hank and Dale find more interest in the activities of the other's son, Dale concludes he's not Joseph's father---and that an alien is. |
b: 07-Apr-2002 pc: 6ABE08 w: Sivert Glarum , Michael Jamin |
| 119. A Man Without a Country Club |
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Kahn covets membership in an all-Asian country club, but it's Hank who's asked to join---as a token white to secure a PGA tournament. |
b: 14-Apr-2002 pc: 6ABE11 w: Kit Boss d: Kyounghee Lim , Boohwan Lim |
NOTE: In this episode the gang creates the "Rainey Street Country Club" indicating that they live on Rainey Street. However in episode 92 ('Twas the Nut Before Christmas) Bill refers to himself as the Milton Street Santa indicating that they live on Milton Street. Since Hank and Bill live on opposite sides of the same street this is either an inconsistency or means that they live at the corner of Rainey st. and Milton st. |
| 120. Beer and Loathing |
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Peggy gets a job at Alamo Beer, but a clause in her contract prevents her from telling Hank why Texas is completely devoid of the brew for the next 36 hours. |
b: 14-Apr-2002 pc: 6ABE13 w: Etan Cohen d: Dominic Polcino |
| 121. Fun with Jane and Jane |
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Oblivious to its cultlike ways, Luanne joins a sorority and gets Peggy in too; Hank and the boys rescue emus from death, but don't know what to do with them. |
b: 21-Apr-2002 pc: 6ABE15 w: Garland Testa d: Adam Kuhlman |
NOTE: Featured Music: Simple Plan-"The Worst Day Ever" |
| 122. My Own Private Rodeo |
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Hank learns that the incident estranging Dale from his cowboy father was a cover to keep him in the dark about Dad being in the closet. |
b: 28-Apr-2002 pc: 6ABE16 w: Alex Gregory , Peter Huyck d: Cyndi Tang-Loveland |
NOTE: The original story for this episode had nothing to do with Dale and Nancy's "rewedding." Instead, the plot involved Dale's paranoia extending to his fear of dental visits, and his contempt for his father was that he left home claiming that he had business with the government, not because he kissed Dale's wife. |
| 123. Sug Night |
Hank is shaken after having a dream about grilling burgers...naked...with Nancy. And the situation is stirred when Peggy finds out. |
b: 05-May-2002 pc: 6ABE05 w: Alex Gregory , Peter Huyck d: Adam Kuhlman |
| 124. Dang Ol' Love |
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Laura Linney provides the voice of a woman coveted by Bill, but wooed by Boomhauer, who experiences his first-ever pangs of unrequited love. |
b: 05-May-2002 pc: 6ABE17 w: Dean Young d: Gary McCarver |
| 125. Returning Japanese (1) |
The Hills head to Japan in the sixth-season finale because Hank's father, Cotton, wants to apologize for his actions in WWII. The grizzled vet says he plans to address the widow of a soldier he killed. Peggy arranges to cover the visit for the local paper, but the family arrives to find it has become an overblown media event. That forces Cotton to admit to Hank that the "widow" was never married, and the "action" did not occur in battle. Meanwhile, back home, Dale and Bill prove themselves dedicated house sitters by dressing up as Hank and Peggy; and Luanne finds a replacement dog when she thinks she has killed Ladybird. |
b: 12-May-2002 pc: 6ABE20 w: Kit Boss , Etan Cohen |
| 126. Returning Japanese (2) |
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It is revealed that Hank has a long-lost half-brother, who later disowns his American relatives. Angered by this, Cotton plans to spit in the face of the Japanese Emperor Akihito at a ceremony honoring WW2 veterans later that night. As the Hill Brothers try to stop their father, they come to realize how much they have in common. When Cotton finally meets the emperor, his lost son calls him "dad," and he shakes Akihito's hand rather then spit on his face. Meanwhile, Bobby develops a relationship with his dance partner at the local arcade. In the end, the Hills leave Japan both relieved and weary. |
b: 12-May-2002 pc: 6ABE21 |
|
Season 7 |
| 127. Get Your Freak Off |
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The Texas 'toon rounds up a bunch of guest voices for the seventh-season premiere, in which Hank clashes with liberal parents. When father and son attend a clean-cut boy-band concert, Hank is shocked to find Bobby imitating suggestive dance moves with his new friend, Jordan. His reaction brings a complaint from Jordan's parents, a "progressive" couple who are allowing their daughter to have a coed slumber party. Despite Hank's refusal, Bobby wants to go and gets help from Peggy, who has her own reasons for wanting Hank to lighten up. |
b: 03-Nov-2002 pc: 7ABE01 |
| 128. The Fat and the Furious |
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It's couples night at the movies, and Bill mopes around because he doesn't want to be a ninth wheel. He reluctantly agrees to tag along, but only for the food. Bill amazes the gang by wolfing down numerous hot dogs in a snap, prompting everyone to debate whether to call the Guinness Book of World Records to find out if he set a new record. An International Federation of Competitive Eating (the NFL of competitive eating) groupie encourages Bill to sign up for the big contest. Meanwhile, Peggy tries to hide the contest from Bobby because she doesn't want him to participate. |
b: 10-Nov-2002 pc: 7ABE03 |
NOTE: Kid Rock's second animated appearance on a FOX show. The first being a spring break episode of The Simpsons. |
| 129. Bad Girls, Bad Girls Whatcha Gonna Do |
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When the guys find graffiti on their fence, they fear that gangs have infested Arlen. But the graffiti turns out to be the work of Tid Pao, Connie's hot, rebellious cousin, who is spending the semester in Arlen. Bobby is instantly smitten with Tid Pao because, although she's very smart, she's also wild and reckless - two qualities that Connie is not. |
b: 17-Nov-2002 pc: 6ABE19 |
| 130. Goodbye Normal Jeans |
Peggy helps Bobby with an assignment for his home economics class and accidentally ruins Hank's favorite pair of jeans. With the help of his teacher, Bobby constructs a perfect new pair of jeans for Hank, which irritates Peggy. But when Bobby further impresses Hank with his newfound domestic skills in the kitchen, Peggy feels even less appreciated. In an attempt to get Hank's attention, Peggy gets a new hairdo, but her plan backfires when the smell of her new hair makes Hank gag. On Thanksgiving, Hank asks Bobby to prepare Peggy's traditional meal. With too many cooks in the kitchen, Peggy decides to take action by kidnapping Bobby's turkey. |
b: 24-Nov-2002 pc: 6ABE01 w: Kit Boss |
NOTE: Originally scheduled to air on November 18th, 2001. Was fed via satellite that morning, even. Football ran over, so the majority of the country didn't see it. But the episode WAS seen then in areas without football, and Canada. |
| 131. Dances With Dogs |
When Hank finds Bobby teaching Ladybird to dance, he scolds Bobby and tells him that Ladybird is too old and has arthritis. Bobby is upset with Hank's reaction so he decides to enter Connie's dog in a local dog-dancing contest. But when Hank catches Ladybird dancing happily to music, he decides he should enter her in the contest as well. At the contest, Hank and Bobby must face off and one of them ends up in the doghouse. |
b: 01-Dec-2002 pc: 7ABE02 w: Norm Hiscock |
NOTE: Earlier this night on "The Simpsons", there was a parody of the King of the Hill theme song. |
| 132. The Son Also Roses |
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When Hank tries to get Bobby to join the football team, Bobby ends up becoming the towel manager instead. Bobby has trouble dealing with the dirty towels and coach's constant berating, so he decides to quit and start growing roses. Peggy reassures Hank that Bobby's interest in roses is normal and that he should be supportive. But when Hank offers to help Bobby win a rose contest, things go awry and Hank ends up becoming the thorn in Bobby's side. |
b: 08-Dec-2002 pc: 6ABE22 w: Dan Sterling d: Dominic Polcino |
NOTE: Bobby has a Bart Simpson doll on his book shelf. |
| 133. Texas Silksaw Episode |
| gs: |
When Hank falls through his kitchen floor, he discovers the underground escape tunnel Dale has been building. Hank is so upset when the house is red-tagged for repairs that he orders the guys to help him make some fixes. But when the Hills are forced to move in with the Gribbles, tension mounts as Dale's annoying habits threaten to push Hank over the edge. |
b: 15-Dec-2002 pc: 6ABE18 |
| 134. Full Metal Dust Jacket |
| gs: |
Peggy yearns to become part of an exclusive book club at the local independent bookstore. So when the bookstore owner tells Peggy she wants someone to take over the lease because she's retiring, Peggy convinces Hank to put up the money in hopes of joining the book club and making a huge profit. However, the previous owner tells Peggy that she only kept the bookstore because her husband paid for it, which makes Peggy more worried about losing money. When Dale sells a gun at the bookstore, Peggy is upset-but changes her mind when Dale gives her part of the proceeds. Reluctantly, she lets Dale sell guns there. Meanwhile, Peggy has finally made it to the book club by bribing some of the members with discounts. She makes Hank come to the next meeting with her, and forces him to read a novel when he'd rather watch the football game. At the meeting, however, Peggy learns that the club has broken up andthe members think of her as a windbag. An angered Peggy storms off, quoting the book she just read. Back at the bookstore, everyone is only there to buy guns, and Peggy realizes that everyone is only buying books for target practice. When Peggy sees Cotton shooting books, she orders him and all the other gun buyers out and refuses to let Dale sell guns. As a result, the bookstore closes down. Peggy then starts her own book club with the members of Dale's gun club. Meanwhile, Hank won't let Bobby read a fantasy book involving elves. |
b: 05-Jan-2003 pc: 7ABE04 w: Dan McGrath d: Adam Kuhlman |
NOTE: The episode was delayed 20 minutes in the Eastern and Central time zones due to the wildcard game between the New York Giants and San Francisco 49ers running too long. |
| 135. Pigmalion |
| gs: |
A local pork producer (Michael Keaton) is impressed by Luanne, who goes to his home for a job interview but comes away as his girlfriend. |
b: 12-Jan-2003 pc: 5ABE23 w: Jonathan Collier d: Dominic Polcino |
NOTE: This episode is supposed to be at Halloween, it is quite obvious, since the Hills have Halloween decor all around and on the house... |
| 136. Megalo Dale |
| gs: |
When the Megalomart has a pest-control problem, the manager asks Hank to recommend an exterminator. Though fearing that Dale will screw it up, Hank reluctantly recommends Dale for the job. Dale begins work, but he soon begins to suspect that the real culprit is not rats, not mice, but Megalomart spokesman Chuck Mangione. |
b: 12-Jan-2003 pc: 7ABE05 |
| 137. Boxing Luanne |
| gs: |
Luanne takes Tae-Bo classes to work off her anger at being ogled by the guys in her math class. Buck Strickland and his brother Randy, a boxing promoter, see Luanne working out and sign her up for women's boxing. After Luanne handily wins one fight after another, Hank suggests that she should move up to fighting the best female boxer in Texas, George Foreman's daughter Freeda. Hank then discovers that Luanne's fights have all been fixed: Buck paid all her opponents to take a dive, and the fans were only paying to see Luanne dance around the ring. But meanwhile Luanne (with Peggy's help) has already challenged Freeda Foreman to a fight. |
b: 02-Feb-2003 pc: 7ABE07 w: Dean Young d: Mike DiMartino |
NOTE: The song in the boxing montage is "Respect" by Pink. |
| 138. Vision Quest |
Worried about how Dale is raising Joseph, John Redcorn asks Hank to take the boy he fathered on a Native American rite of passage. |
b: 09-Feb-2003 pc: 7ABE09 w: Etan Cohen |
| 139. Queasy Rider |
| gs: |
When Hank makes weekend plans without consulting Peggy, the fallout drives them to a marriage counselor (Jamie Kennedy), whom Dale recommends because "He always takes my side." The therapist learns that one of the couple's dreams is to own his-and-hers motorcycles, and suggests they buy one and share it in an effort to bring them together. But his plan backfires when, on the advice of a motorcycle mama (Jennifer Aniston) and her man (David Herman), the pair head to Sturgis, S.D., for an annual biker gathering |
b: 16-Feb-2003 pc: 7ABE10 w: Kit Boss d: Wesley Archer |
| 140. Board Games |
Peggy, Minh and Nancy bond to save a school program, but split up when Minh decides she's the best candidate for a school-board seat. |
b: 02-Mar-2003 pc: 7ABE08 w: Sivert Glarum & Michael Jamin |
NOTE: This episode originally contained a B story where Bobby and Connie take sides with their respective mothers and against each other. It was cut prior to airing, due to lack of time. |
| 141. An Officer and a Gentle Boy |
| gs: |
Hank intends to give Bobby a mower blade sharpener in hopes of giving Bobby responsibility. Bobby, however, carelessly puts it top of his video games, and it falls and breaks. An irate Hank forces Bobby to rake the leaves, but Bobby would rather pretend to step on the rake. At dinner, when Hank catches Bobby smelling different things in his room, it's the last straw. Hank goes to Cotton, who urges Hank to send Bobby to his old military academy, where he was constantly tortured. Not knowing what else, Hank approves. Bobby is upset about boot camp, but soon finds that it's not as tough as he thought it would be...in fat, it's actually fun! A worried Hank and Peggy rush straight to the academy afraid that Bobby is miserable, but find that Bobby is excelling and take a crafts course with him. Cotton, however, is not too pleased with this and comes to the academy himself, taking charge and harassing the cadets. The next day, Cotton tells Bobby that he will recieve harsher treatment than the other cadets, hoping to make Bobby yield to him. But Cotton's tactics fail as Bobby continues to fool around, so Cotton provides the ultimate punishment-locking Bobby in a small chamber knwon as "the hole," where Cotton was sent himself. When Hank finds out about this from Didi, he rushes to the camp, where Cotton is about to release Bobby. To Hank's relief, Bobby comes out unharmed, and even jokes about his experience. Cotton is upset, but Hank assures Cotton that Bobby is fine the way he is. What gave Bobby the will to survive was grafitti on the wall that read, "Cotton Hill 2 days, Bobby Hill 3 days". |
b: 09-Mar-2003 pc: 7ABE06 w: Dan Sterling |
| 142. The Miseducation of Bobby Hill |
| gs: |
Despite a lack of seasoning that Hank deems mandatory, Bobby becomes a whiz at selling propane grills; Bill takes an inadvertent balloon ride. |
b: 16-Mar-2003 pc: 7ABE11 |
NOTE: The title is a take off on the title of the Lauryn Hill album, "The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill" |
| 143. The Good Buck |
| gs: |
Buck Strickland's wife finally kicks him out, fed up with his drinking, gambling and womanizing. A despondent and lonely Buck asks Luanne to give him Bible lessons. His attempts to get closer to Luanne are thwarted when half a dozen other guys intrude on his poolside Bible lesson with a bikini-clad Luanne, but when Buck makes an inspiring speech about how he has seen the light, everyone is convinced that Buck has really changed. Later, an apparently reformed Buck asks Luanne to marry him, but when she turns him down, Buck is furious and goes off on another bender. It's up to Hank to show Buck that "Lady Propane" is the real key to his salvation. |
b: 30-Mar-2003 pc: 7ABE13 w: Alex Gregory & Peter Huyck d: Allan Jacobson |
NOTE: This episode was originally supposed to start with another scene, where Buck comes in for work and asks Donna (an employee) to accompany him to the back room for some "accounting," and asks Hank to cover for him in case his wife shows up. The scene was cut prior to airing, due to lack of time. |
| 144. I Never Promised You an Organic Garden |
| gs: |
Peggy takes over the organic garden at Bobby's school, but an insect infestation threatens her hope of making the post permanent. |
b: 13-Apr-2003 pc: 7ABE14 w: Tony Gama-Lobo & Rebecca May d: Adam Kuhlman |
| 145. Be True to Your Fool |
| gs: |
Bill exposes himself to lice in a futile attempt to meet the "lice lady," and Hank, Dale and Boomhauer all wind up with head lice. Fed up with Bill, the guys refuse to hang out with him anymore. Drunk and depressed, Bill wanders out and winds up getting arrested. Bill soon becomes the most popular guy in jail, where he is dubbed "Hollywood Dauterive." Meanwhile, the guys shave their heads to get rid of the lice, and Hank discovers that he has "BILL" tattooed on the back of his head. After Hank gets the tattoo removed, Boomhauer explains that years ago, when Bill was going off to join the army, Hank tried to prove his friendship for Bill by getting a tattoo. This reminds Hank of what a great guy Bill was before his life went downhill, and he feels guilty. Hank discovers that Bill is so happy in jail that he wants to stay there -- and he's even considering confessing to crimes he didn't commit. In an attempt to talk to Bill and get his forgiveness, Hank tries to get arrested himself. |
b: 27-Apr-2003 pc: 7ABE12 w: Dan McGrath d: Anthony Lioi |
NOTE: This is actually the second time Hank has broken the law (the drug bust in year two) but the first time he has commited a crime deliberatly. |
| 146. Racist Dawg |
| gs: |
Peggy hires Mack, an African American repairman. When Ladybird attacks Mack, he accuses her of being a racist dog and quits. When a dog trainer tells him that Ladybird subconsciously follows Hank's lead, everyone accuses Hank of being racist, too. |
b: 04-May-2003 pc: 7ABE17 w: J.B. Cook d: Mike DiMartino |
NOTE: In every episode at the very end of the credits a line is chosen as the funniest and is repeated this episode line is "Here Ki-ki-ki" (Bobby to Hank while they are "interacting" with Hank's racial equality dolls). |
| 147. Night and Deity |
| gs: |
After Peggy organizes a bird society, Bill begins trying to attract birds by laying out food in everyone's yard. When pigeons begin to flock to Bill's yard as well as all the neighbors, Dale is called in to exterminate but can't get rid of them. Dale calls in the "pigeon god," Arlen's greatest exterminator, Sheila Repkin, who turns out to be a beautiful woman who takes an interest in Dale. When Sheila invites Dale to go on an all-night exterminating session with her, Nancy fears that Dale may cheat on her the way she used to cheat on him. But Dale rejects Sheila's advances and comes home to Nancy. Meanwhile, Luanne celebrates her 21st birthday by going to a bar with two friends, and brings Hank along as the designated driver. But when Hank accidentally gets drunk, they wind up having to get a ride home with a handsome guy Luanne meets in the bar. |
b: 11-May-2003 pc: 7ABE16 w: Garland Testa d: Gary McCarver |
NOTE: When Bill and Boomhauer are helping the alpha male pigeon get out of his acid trip, Pink Floyd's "Great Gig In The Sky" plays in the background. |
| 148. Maid in Arlen |
| gs: |
Kahn is appalled when his visiting mother becomes a maid for the Hills. But it gets even worse when she also goes to work for Bill, who finds her made-to-order---romantically. |
b: 18-May-2003 pc: 7ABE18 w: Dan Sterling d: Kyounghee Lim & Boohwan Lim |
NOTE: Leoma Souphanousinphone will become Bill's first multiple-episode girlfriend, and quite possibly his long-delayed rebound from Lenore. |
| 149. Witches of East Arlen (Season Finale) |
| gs: |
Hank is enthusiastic about Bobby's new hobby of cards, envisioning his son as an aspiring poker shark. But they're really tarot cards, and Bobby's fortune-telling brings him to a coven led by a nerdy thirtysomething (David Cross), who urges him to focus his energies on developing otherworldly powers and defying his father. |
b: 18-May-2003 pc: 7ABE20 w: Sivert Glarum & Michael Jamin |
NOTE: This episode is being called the 150th episode, but as you can see it's actually the 149th episode. |
|
Season 8 |
| 150. Dang Ol' Love 2 |
| gs: |
Entertainment Weekly reports that the first episode of season 8 will introduce Boomhauer's brother, who arrives in Arlen engaged to the woman Boomhauer loved and lost (in the episode "Dang Ol' Love"). Brad Pitt has recorded the part of Boomhauer's brother (and yes, he does speak Boomhauerese). |
NOTE: The title listed for this episode are not offical and will not the title for the episodes. It is just there to help infrom on what the episode is about. |
| 151. MessiahFest |
| gs: |
Gene Simmons (of KISS) has recorded a part as a roadie for a Christian Rock group. The story of the episode is that a Christian Rock festival, MessiahFest, comes to Arlen. |
NOTE: The title listed for this episode are not offical and will not the title for the episodes. It is just there to help infrom on what the episode is about. |
| 152. Cowboy Jerk |
A washed-up former Dallas Cowboy moves into the neighborhood, and nobody can admit that he's a jerk. |
NOTE: The title listed for this episode are not offical and will not the title for the episodes. It is just there to help infrom on what the episode is about. This episode was produced for season 7 but will not air until season 8. |
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