Simpsons Quotes

Simpsons Episode Guide

Homer: [muttering] Lousy big shot, thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns, if he didn't have any guns I'd show him a thing or two...
[at home, pacing the hallway in front of Lisa's bedroom]
Homer: ...let's see him walk into my store and then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods...
Lisa: Dad, it's 3:00 AM. Cant you mutter in your room?
Homer: Marge kicked me out.
Lisa: All right, go ahead.
Homer: Pushy kids think they can tell me what to do in my house, Why, I tell you these parents these days they don't know how to rear children...
 

Homer: Well crying isn't going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog.
Bart: You're right!
[Gets up and leaves]
Homer: Rats! I almost had him eating dog food.
 

Homer: Family, gather round, I have an announcement to make. The Simpsons have cable!
Bart, Lisa: Cable?!
Bart: All right!
Homer: That's right, sixty-eight channels, MTV for the kids, VH1 for us, sixteen hours of quality programming a day!
Marge: I don't know, Homer, we've discussed cable before. Do you really think we can afford this?
Homer: Nothing a month? Yeah, I think we can afford it.
Marge: Mmmm, are you sure this is legal?
Homer: Relax, Marge. Read this.
[Homer hands Marge a pamphlet entitled, "So You've Decided To Steal Cable".]
Marge: "Myth: it's wrong to view quality motion pictures for free. Fact: most movies that air on cable rate two stars or lower and are repeated ad nauseam." I don't know...
 

Homer: [To Lisa] You stupid know-nothing know-it-all!
 

[Homer just watched a Mr. Sparkle commercial to find out why the logo looks exactly like him.]
Homer: That didn't explain anything! All I know is they stole my face and used it for their stupid logo! There's no other explanation!
Lisa: [indicating the TV] Wait, look!
Japanese commercial pitchman: [on TV] This has been brought to you by Matsamura Fishworks and Tamarabuchi Energy Concern.
[The fish logo and the light bulb logo merge to form the Mr. Sparkle logo.]
Lisa Simpson: It was all just a coincidence.
Bart: [to Homer] Yep. There's your answer, Fishbulb.
 

Homer: [Comforting] There, there. Shut up boy.
 

Moe: Sounds like you're having a rough Christmas. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.
Homer: [drunk] Yeah, you're right, Moe. You're always Moe.
 

Lisa: Where's that music coming from?
Marge: And all the liquor!?
Homer: It's a party, Marge. It doesn't have to make sense.
 

Redneck: Let's fight!
Other Redneck: Them's fightin' words!
 

Homer: Lurleen, wait!
Lurleen Lumpkin: Yeah?
Homer: I just wanted to say your song touched me deeply in a way I've never felt before... and which way to the can?
 

Lurleen Lumpkin: You know, no man's ever been nice to me without wanting something in return.
Homer: Well, I *was* going to ask you for a glass of water, but now I feel guilty about it.
 

Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie - one to lie, and one to listen.
Marge: What does *that* mean?
 

[Fanzo threw a Barbie in the fire and strangled a Krusty toy.]
Bart: Why is it destroying other toys?
Lisa: It must be programmed to do so to eliminate competition!
Bart: You mean like Microsoft?
Lisa: Yeah.
 

[While trying to get a convict's parole granted]
Convict: I shot a guy named Apu.
Marge: Hmmm...Well ALOT of people shoot Apu.
 

Ralph Wiggum: Your toys are fun to touch. Mine are all sticky.
 

Ralph Wiggum: I found a moonrock in my nose!
 

Smithers: Mr. Burns can't stand talking to his mother. He never forgave her for having that affair with President Taft.
 

Principal Skinner: I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson. Yes... I believe I'll start, as you've so often suggested, by eating your shorts.
 

Parole Board Officer: Uh, we object to the term "urine-soaked hellhole", when you could have said "pee-pee soaked heckhole".
 

Parole Board Officer: No one who speaks German could be an evil man.
 

Krustyburger manager: We need more secret sauce! Put this mayonnaise in the sun!
 

Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
 

Hospital Chairman: Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant.
Dr. Nick: But I cleaned them with my napkin!
 

[Homer sits down in the middle of the night to eat cheese]
Homer: Mmmm. Sixty-four slices of American Cheese...
[begins eating]
Homer: ...sixty-four...sixty-three...
[morning comes, Homer is still eating]
Homer: Two...one...
[Marge walks in]
Marge: Have you been up all night eating cheese?
Homer: I think I'm blind.
 

Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film "The Never-Ending Story".
 

Chief Wiggum: Oh, sure. We'd all love some *real* friends, Marge. But what are the odds of that happening?
 

Moe: Say, Barn. Uh, remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab?
Barney: Oh ho, oh yeah. We all had a good laugh, Moe.
Moe: The results came back today.
 

Homer: Mmmm... forbidden donut.
 

Ned Flanders: Oh, the network slogan is true! Watch FOX and be damned for all eternity!
 

Ralph Wiggum: That's where I saw the leprechaun! He told me to burn things.
 

Bart: Take him away, boys.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I'm the Police Chief here! Bake him away, toys.
 

Smithers: Look at all the wonderful things you have, sir; King Arthur's Excalibur, the only existing nude photo of Mark Twain, and that rare first draft of the constitution with the word "suckers" in it...
 

Miss Springfield: Gentlemen, start your whacking!
 

Marge: Can't you do something for him?
Dr. Hibbert: Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is.
Homer: What an age we live in.
 

Mr. Burns: This house has quite a long and colorful history. It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground, and was the setting of Satanic rituals, witch-burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials.
 

Barney: David Crosby? You're my hero!
David Crosby: Oh, you like my music?
Barney: You're a musician?
 

Plastic Surgeon: Krusty, your plastic surgery is complete. Now, when I remove the bandages, don't be alarmed by the total stranger staring back at you.
[hands him a mirror]
Krusty The Clown: Aah! I look exactly the same, you moron!
Plastic Surgeon: Oh, nonsense! You look at least ten years younger! Plus, I did your breasts.
Krusty The Clown: Does anyone hear me complaining about the breasts?
 

[playing a religious board game]
Lisa: Where are the dice?
Todd Flanders: Daddy says dice are wicked.
Rod Flanders: We just move one space at a time. It's less fun that way.
 

Lisa: Hello, hospital? This is Lisa Simpson --
Hospital Secretary: Simpson? Look, we've already been down there tonight for a sisterectomy, a case of severe butt rot, and a Leprechaun fight. How dumb do you think we are?
 

Homer: There's your giraffe, little girl!
Ralph Wiggum: I'm a boy.
Homer: That's the spirit! Never give up.
 

Chief Wiggum: She didn't reckon with the awesome power of the Chief of Police! Now where did I put my badge?...Hey, that duck's got it!
 

State Comptroller Atkins: This grant ensures a light bulb in every classroom, and a high-definition TV for the teachers lounge.
 

Bill Clinton: I know you don't think you're good enough for me, but believe me, you are. Hell, I done it with pigs. Real, no-foolin' pigs!
 

Janey: Well, that was a waste of time.
Lisa: Janey, school is never a waste of time!
Ms. Hoover: Class, since we have fifteen minutes until recess, please put your pencils down and stare at the front of the room.
 

Judge Snyder: The clown is down!
 

[The Red Hot Chili Peppers are performing on Krusty's show]
Krusty The Clown: Now boys, the network has a problem with some of your lyrics. Do you mind changing them for the show?
Anthony Kiedis: Forget you, clown.
 

Kent Brockman: Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for Philosophy majors - useful people are starting to feel the pinch!
 

Psychiatrist: Is there a lot of screaming at your house?
Bart: Well, my dad's always yelling about the white man keeping him down.
 

[Homer is watching a television ad for the Naval Reserve]
TV Announcer: Daybreak, Jakarta. The proud men and women of the Navy are protecting America's interests overseas, but your in Lubbuth, Texas hosing down a statue, because your in the Naval Reserve. Once you complete basic training, you only work one weekend a month, and most of that time your drunk of your ass! The Naval Reserve: America's 17th line of defense, between the Mississippi National Guard, and the American League of Women Voters.
 

Homer: Gee, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know; way richer than Lenny.
Mr. Burns: Yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more.
 

Smithers: Sir, this can't be right. You assured me this drawing was rigged so we'd be teammates.
Mr. Burns: Yes, well, frankly you've been a bit of a pill lately.
Smithers: Why do we always fight on vacation?
 

Bart: Wow Dad, you took the baptismal for me. How do you feel?
Homer: Oh Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.
Ned Flanders: Wait! Homer! What did you just say?
Homer: I said shut your ugly face, Flanders!
 

Blind Man Willie Witherspoon: I've been playing the saxophone for 30 years. I want you to have it.
Bleedin' Gums Murphy: This isn't a saxophone. It's an umbrella.
Blind Man Willie Witherspoon: So I've been playing the umbrella for 30 years? Why didn't anyone ever tell me?
Bleedin' Gums Murphy: Cause we all though it was funny.
Blind Man Willie Witherspoon: That's not funny.
 

Homer: What are you kids doing?
Bart & Lisa: Practicing tennis
Homer: That's tennis? Then what's that sport where the chicks whale on each other?
Bart: Foxy Boxing?
Homer: [disappointedly] Yes! That's what I wanted! Oh!
[cries]
 

Lisa: Dad, don't you think you're overreacting?
Homer: Don't you think you're *under*reacting?
Lisa: This conversation is over.
Homer: This conversation is *under*!
Lisa: Goodbye!
Homer: *bad*bye!
 

Kent Brockman: We win again! But the real winners here are Marge's Hors D'Oeuvres.
Homer: How do you come up with such witty remarks?
[focuses in on ear plug/mic]
Guy in the van: I guess you could say its my racket.
Kent Brockman: I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.
Homer: Get off my property!
 

[Homer is camping out to buy football tickets.]
Homer: Heh-heh-heh, I did it! Second in line, and all I had to do was miss eight days of work.
Man: With the money you would have made working, you could have bought tickets from a scalper.
Homer: In theory, yes.
[sotto voce]
Homer: Jerk.
 

Man On Street: Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler.
Rabbi Krustofski: Could you re-phrase that as a philosophical question?
Man On Street: Uh, Is it right to buy a Chrysler?
Rabbi Krustofski: Oh yes. Great is the car with power steering and dyna-flow suspension.
 

Homer: Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Post Office Worker: Okay. What's your first name?
Homer: ...I don't know.
 

[About the hurricane]
Homer: Alright everyone, it's the standard Grampa drill... everyone into the cellar.
 

Ned Flanders: You ugly hate-filled man!
Moe: Hey! I may be ugly and I may be hate-filled but... uh.. what was that last thing you said?
 

Dr. Foster: You are free to roam around the grounds but do be warned one of our patients *is* a cannibal. Try to guess which one... I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
 

Homer: Lisa, I want you to remember me just as I am right now, filled with murderous rage
 

Homer: Never fear! The cosmic fool is here!
 

Lisa: Miss Tan, I loved The Joy Luck Club. You really showed me how the mother-daughter bond could survive adversity.
Amy Tan: No, no, that's not what I meant at all! I can't believe how wrong you got it. Just sit down, I'm embarrassed for both of us.
 

Mr. Burns: Mr. Simpson, you're smarter than you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates.
 

Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour, why are there children walking on my head?
 

Dr. Hibbert: We've given the word "mob" a bad name.
Marge: Church should help you with your everyday life!
Homer: It should, but it doesn't. Now who wants to go down to the dump with me?
 

Clerk: Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it!
 

Doug: In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is a magic xylophone, or something? Ha ha, boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
Homer: I'll field that one. Let me ask *you* a question. Why would a grown man who's shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?
[embarrassed pause]
Doug: I withdraw my question.
[starts eating a candy bar]
 

[Lisa flips through the card catalog]
Lisa: Let's see... Football... Football... "Homoeroticism in"... "Oddball Canadian rules"... "Phyllis George and"...
 

Sideshow Bob: Rakes, my arch enemy.
Bart: I thought I was your arch enemy.
Sideshow Bob: I have a life outside you, Bart.
 

Comic Book Guy: Ack! There is no "emoticon" to express what I am feeling right now!
 

Comic Book Guy: Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix!
 

Chief Wiggum: Can't you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can't be policing the entire city!
 

Marge: You can't ask God to kill someone!
Homer: Yeah! Do your own dirty work!
 

[Bart has just described the island paradise he envisages]
Nelson Muntz: How many monkey butlers will there be?
Bart: One at first. But he'll train others.
 

Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure! You may remember me from such other nature films as "Earwigs, Ew!" and "Man Vs Nature . . . The Road To Victory".
 

Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure! You may remember me from such other medical films as "Mommy, What's On That Man's Face?" and "Alice Doesn't Live Anymore".
 

Ralph Wiggum: I bent my wookie!
 

Ralph Wiggum: My cat's breath smells like cat food
 

Marge: Homer, why aren't you at work? You're late.
Homer: They said if I came in late again that I would get fired, and I can't risk that, so I'm not going!
 

Homer: Biatch? Me?
 

[After Poochie the dog debuts on the Itchy and Scratchy show to a lukewarm response.]
Homer: I liked it... right?
Homer's Brain: You don't wanna know what I think... Now look sad and say "d'oh..."
Homer: D'oh...
 

Marge: Homer, I don't want you driving around in a car you built yourself.
Homer: You can sit there complaining, or you can knit me some seat belts.
 

Marge: Everybody's afraid of something.
Homer: [smugly] Not everybody!
Marge: Sock puppets!
Homer: [shrieks in terror] Where? Where?
 

Marge: Homer, a man who called himself "you-know-who" just invited you to a secret "wink-wink" at the "you-know-what". You are certainly are popular now that you've become a Stonecutter.
Homer: Oh, yeah. Beer busts, beer blasts, keggers, stein hoists, AA meetings, beer night. It's wonderful, Marge. I've never felt so accepted in all my life. These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined.
 

Homer: Well, these bills will have to be paid out of your allowance.
Bart: You'll have to raise my allowance to about a thousand dollars a week.
Homer: Then that's what I'll do, smart guy!
 

Smithers: I love you, sir.
Mr. Burns: Oh, hot dog. Thank you for making my last moments on earth socially awkward.
 

Lisa: Oh, it's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless.
Sideshow Bob: Oh, I see. When it's one of *my* schemes you can't foil it fast enough, but when *Cecil* tries to kill you, "it's hopeless, utterly, utterly hopeless."
 

Sideshow Bob: No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.
 

Col. Leslie "Hap" Hapablap: We've searched this airbase from top to bottom, and all we've found is porno, porno, porno!
 

Bart: Oh, this is the worst Fourth of July ever, I hate America!
 

Homer: Kiss my hairy yellow butt.
 

African tour guide: Night, night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs paralyze!
 

Mayor Quimby: Are these morons getting dumber or just louder?
Mayor's Assistant: Dumber, sir.
 

[Bart and Lisa are watching Krusty's Prison Special]
Bart: Hey, those guys *love* Krusty! Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.
Lisa: And vice-versa.
 

Homer: In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.
 

Grampa Simpson: My Homer is not a Communist... he may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist... but he is *not* a porn star!
 

Homer: [Ranting loudly] YURGIDDAFURDARATAARA!
Marge: Homer, what is it? Slow down.
Homer: [Calmly and slowly] Yurgiddafurdarataara.
Marge: Think before you say each word.
 

Moe: Man, you go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch 'em in the face, and for what?
 

Lisa: Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?
Homer: Well, I think the veal died of loneliness.

Homer: No beer and no TV make Homer something something.....
Marge: Go Crazy
Homer: Don't mind if I do.
 

Bart: Eat my shorts!
 

Bart: Don't have a cow, man!
 

Bart: Hey wait a minute, man! You don't have to leave just because Superintendent Chalmers tells you to! You've spent your whole life following orders! From your mother, the army, Superintendent Chalmers. For once in your life, stand up for yourself, man!
Principal Skinner: Okay, Bart.
Mrs. Krabappel: Let's go, Seymour.
Principal Skinner: Okay, Edna.
 

Homer: When was the last time Barbara Streisand cleaned out your garage? And when it's time to do your laundry, where's Ray Bolger? I'll tell ya. Ray Bolger is looking out for Ray Bolger!
 

Homer: How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy that gives those sermons in church? Captain What's-his-name. We live in a society of laws, why do you think I took you to see all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughing! Did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Vroom! Beep! Honk! Honk! Ha-ha. Where was I? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze!
 

Cop: Did you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?
Moe: No.
[buzz]
Moe: All right, I did. But I didn't shoot him.
[ding]
Cop: Checks out. All right, sir. You're free to go.
Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight.
[buzz]
Moe: A date.
[buzz]
Moe: Dinner with friends.
[buzz]
Moe: Dinner alone.
[buzz]
Moe: Watching TV alone.
[buzz]
Moe: All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog.
[buzz]
Moe: Sears catalog.
[ding]
Moe: Now will you unhook me already? I don't deserve this shabby treatment!
[buzz]
 

Mr. Burns: OK, Mr. Spielbergo, I want you to do for me want Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler.
Sr. Spielbergo: Schindler es muy bueno, Seńor Burns es el diablo.
Mr. Burns: Pish posh! Schindler and I are like peas in a pod. We both made shells for the Germans, it's just that mine worked!
 

Leonard Nimoy: The story you are about to see is completely true. And by true, I mean false. But isn't that really the greater truth? The answer is no.
 

Homer: So I said, "Look buddy, your car was upside-down when I got here. And as for your grandmother, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that!"
 

Homer: ...And the whole steel mill was gay.
Moe: Jeez, where ya been, Homer? The whole steel *industry's* gay.
 

Marge: And our kids are getting lazy.
Bart: I'm not lazy, I'm... hey, Lisa, finish my sentence for me.
Lisa: Why don't you finish your own darn....
[falls asleep, falls off couch]
 

Bart: Guess who?
Cecil Terwilliger: Maris?  [Cecil is voiced by David Hyde Pierce]
 

[Cecil is about to blow up Sideshow Bob and Bart.]
Cecil Terwilliger: You may feel a slight ringing in your ears. Unfortunately, you will be nowhere near them.
 

Rev. Lovejoy: Thanks a lot, Marge. That was our only burlesque house.
 

Homer: I was in a record store, and they were playing all these bands I'd never heard of. It was like the store had gone crazy!
Marge Simpson: Record stores have always seemed crazy to me. Music is none of my business.
Homer: That's all well and good for you, but I used to rock and roll all night and party every day! Then it was every other day...now I'm lucky to find half an hour a week in which to get funky. I've got to get out of this rut and back into the groove!
 

Marge: Homer, I thought our marriage could survive anything, but last night, you not only crossed the line, you threw up on it!
 

Grampa Simpson: Dear Mr. President, there are too many states these days. Please eliminate three. Sincerely, Abe Simpson. PS: I am not a crackpot.
 

Homer: Marge, I wanna be a monorail conductor.
Marge: Homer, no.
Homer: But it's my lifelong dream!
Marge: Your lifelong dream was to run out onto the field at a baseball game, and you did it, last year!
[Points to a framed newspaper reading "IDIOT RUINS GAME - Springfield forfeits pennant"]
 

Homer: Marge, I wanna be a blackjack dealer.
Marge: Homer, no.
Homer: But it's my lifelong dream!
Marge: Your lifelong dream was to appear on "The Gong Show", and you did it, in 1977!
[Homer has a flashback to him and Barney playing an oversized harmonica]
Homer: We got more gongs than the break-dancing robot that caught on fire.
 

George Harrison: Hi, Homer, I'm George Harrison.
Homer: Wow! Where did you get that brownie!
 

Mr. Bergstrom: And for the record, there were a few Jewish cowboys. Big guys, who were great shots, and spent money freely.
 

Homer: How was everyone's day at school?
Bart: Horrible!
Lisa: Pointless!
Marge: Exhausting! It took the class 40 minutes to locate Canada on a map.
Homer: Oh, honey, anyone could miss Canada. All tucked way down there.
 

Homer: Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.
 

Homer: I've got more trophies than Wayne Gretzky & The Pope combined!
 

Mr. Burns: Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey for whomever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya.
 

Mrs. Krabappel: As you know, Bart, one day your permanent record will disqualify you from all but the hottest and noisiest jobs.
 

Joey Ramone: [while playing at Mr. Burns' birthday party] Go to hell, you old bastard!
Mr. Burns: Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: But sir, those aren't...
Mr. Burns: Do as I say!
 

Ralph Wiggum: [giving report] ...and when the Doctor didn't have worms anymore that was the happiest day of my life.
Miss Hover: Thank you, Ralph, very graphic.
 

Homer: That guy impressed me and I am not easily impressed. Wow! A *blue car*!
 

Principal Skinner: That's two independent thought alarms in one day. Willie, the children are over-stimulated. Remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.
Groundskeeper Willie: I warned ya about the colored chalk, didn't I warn ya? That chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!
 

Homer: Oh Marge, stop blaming yourself all the time! Blame yourself once, and move on.
 

Homer: It's everybody's fault but mine.
 

Sideshow Bob: [hypnotizing Bart] You are in my power.
Bart: [in a hypnotic voice] I am at your command.
Sideshow Bob: I didn't say anything about command. If you are in my power, say so.
Bart: I am in your power.
Sideshow Bob: That's better. No, go back to command. I like that better.
 

Marge: I thought you said the law was powerless.
Chief Wiggum: Powerless to *help* you, not punish you.
 

Homer: I know! If sink to the bottom, I can run to shore.
 

Homer: That's it! I'm getting out of this town alive if it kills me!
 

Homer: Donuts - is there anything they can't do?
 

Homer: I'm like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket & flew to the moon! What was his name? Apollo Creed?
 

[After Apu's wife Manjula gives birth to Octuplets. Apu has been awake all night trying to put them all to sleep, and has fallen asleep himself.]
Manjula: [Waking Apu up.] Apu, it's 4:00 am, your late for work!
Apu: [Wakes Up.] Oh, I just had the most beautiful dream where I died!
Manjula: Oh, no you don't. Not 'til they're out of college!
Apu: Listen, I'll die when I want to!
 

Smithers: Is this really necessary sir? You do have a very full wardrobe as it is.
Mr. Burns: Yes, but not completely full, for you see... /
[singing]
Mr. Burns: / Some men hunt for sport, others hunt for food. The only thing I'm hunting for, is and outfit that looks good... / See... my... Vest! See my vest! / Made from real gorilla chest! / See this sweater, nothing better, than authentic Irish Setter. / See this hat, 'twas my cat, / My evening wear vampire bat. / These white slippers are albino African endangered rhino. / Grizzly bear underwear, / Turtle's necks I've got my share. / A beret of Poodle on my noodle it shall rest. / Try my red robin suit, it comes one breast or two! / See my vest! See my vest! See my vest! / Like my loafers? Former gophers, / (it was that or skin my chauffeurs) / but a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best! / So let's prepare these dogs...
Maid: Kill two for matching clogs!
Mr. Burns: Oh please won't you see... my... Vest! I really like the vest!
Smithers: I gathered, yah...
Lisa: He's gonna make a suit out of our puppies!
Bart: [still humming the tune] na na na na na na naa naaaa
Lisa: Bart!
Bart: Sorry... You gotta admit it's catchy.
 

[Before performing his back treatment]
Homer: One, two, better not sue.
 

Chief Wiggum: Let this be a lesson to you - kids never learn!
 

Apu: And Paul here wrote a song called "Live and Let Live".
Paul McCartney: Actually Apu, it was "Live and Let Die".
 

Homer: Lenny and Carl suck! Oh, don't tell them I said that Marge, because I don't want to lose their dear friendship.
 

Barney: I think we'd be all better off if each country had it's own planet.
 

Lisa: Bart, Pablo Neruda says "the eyes are the window to the soul".
Bart: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.
 

Lisa: You know Bart, Pablo Neruda said "Laughter is the language of the soul".
Bart: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.
 

Mrs. Krabappel: Embiggens? I never heard that word before moving to Spingfield.
Miss Hoover: I don't know why, it's a perfectly cromulent word.
 

Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?
Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
 

Homer: There's a $10,000 bill in it for you.
Barney: Oh yeah? Which president is on it?
Homer: Um, all of them. They are having a party. Jimmy Carter is passed out on the couch.
 

[Kang and Kodos have taken the form of Bob Dole and Bill Clinton.]
Kodos: I am Clin-Ton. As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands. End communication.
Marge: That's Slick Willy for you, always with the smooth talk.
 

Kent Brockman: Senator Dole, why should people vote for you?
Kang: It does not matter which way you vote! Either way your planet is doomed! Doomed! Doomed!
Kent Brockman: Well, a refreshing bit of candor from Senator Bob Dole!
 

Elizabeth Hoover: I fail to see the educational value of this assembly.
Mrs. Krabappel: Ah, it will be one of their few pleasant memories when they're pumping gas for a living.
 

Homer: Ahhh sweet pity... what would my love life be without it ?
 

Professor Ludwig: Ms. Simpson, do you think there is something funny about the term tromboner?
 

[In the Michael Crichton & Stephen King Bookstore]
Hans Moleman: Do you have anything by Robert Ludlum?
Storekepper: Get out.
 

Bart: It looks like Santa's Little Helper is trying to climb over his girlfriend but he can't make it!
 

Homer: Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?
 

Apu: I'm gonna party like its on sale for $19.99
 

Snake: [busts open a loaded cash register] Oh... Good-bye student loan payments!
 

Homer: Apu, if it makes you feel any better, I've learned that life is just one crushing defeat after another until you finally just wish Flanders was dead.
 

Ned Flanders: How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says "Think!"?
Homer: You mean Lisa?
 

Lisa: [sobbing] I'm ugly, dad!
Homer: No you're not. You're cute as a bug's ear.
Lisa: You have to say that; you're my dad.
Homer: No I don't.
[Grampa walks by]
Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?"
Grampa Simpson: No, you're homely as a mule's butt.
Homer: [to Lisa:] See?
 

Homer: The problem in the world today is communication. Too much communication
 

Grampa Simpson: Quick, we have to kill the boy!
Marge: How did you know he's a vampire?
Grampa Simpson: He's a vampire? Ahhhhh!
 

Homer: When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power... like God must feel when he's holding a gun.
 

Homer: I'd kill you if I had my gun!
 

Homer: This gun has made me lose everything... my family, my friends, everything but my precious, precious gun.
 

Marge: You lied to me Homer. You told me you got rid of the gun.
Homer: But Marge, I swear, I never thought you'd find out.
 

Homer: Lisa, if I didn't have this gun, the king of England could walk right in here and start pushing you around.
[Homer starts pushing Lisa around]
Homer: D'you want that? Huh? Do ya?
Lisa: No...
 

Homer: Ohhh, stupid movies! Who invented these dumb things, anyway?
[menacingly]
Homer: Was it you, Bart?
 

Homer: Lisa, vampires are make-believe! Just like elves, and gremlins, and Eskimos.
 

Homer: You can't outsmart carnival folk. They're the cleverest folk in the world. Just look at the way they sucker regular folk with their crooked games.
 

Grampa Simpson: Son, you're as stupid as a mule and twice as ugly. So if a stranger offers you a ride, I'd say take it!
 

Ned Flanders: The Lord has drowned the wicked and spared the righteous!
Maude Flanders: Isn't that Homer Simpson?
Ned Flanders: Huh, looks like Heaven is easier to get into than Arizona State!
 

Bart: Dad, is this art or is it vandalism?
Homer: That's for the courts to decide.
 

Homer: Stupid risks are what make life worth living.
 

[Lisa is playing goalie for a minor hockey team.]
Lisa: Milhouse, knock him down if he's in your way! Jimbo, Jimbo, go for the face! Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard! Hack the bone! Hack the bone!
Homer: Wow! Eye of a tiger, mouth of a Teamster!
 

Krusty The Clown: You, sir, are an idiot!
 

Homer: Trying is the first step towards failure.
 

Homer: Is this episode going on the air live ?
June Velany: No Homer, very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animator's wrist.
 

Homer: Where's the "Any" key?
 

Bart: You know, there are names for people like you.
Lisa: No there aren't.
Bart: Teacher's pet! Apple polisher! Butt kisser!
Homer: Bart! You're saying butt kisser like it's a bad thing!
 

[At the hockey match.]
Homer: Okay Marge, its your child against my child. The winner will be showered with praise. The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore!
 

Homer: Oh Lisa, there's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.
Lisa: Yes, but the records only go back to 1978 when the hall of records was mysteriously blown away.
 

Marge: This is the worst thing you've ever done!
Homer: You say that so often that it lost its meaning.
 

Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from such self-help videos as "Smoke Yourself Thin", and "Get Confident, Stupid!".
 

Mr. Burns: Who is this gastropod?
Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir.
 

Lenny: There's nothing like revenge for getting back at people.
Carl: Vengeance isn't too bad either
 

Bart: Milhouse, there is no such thing as a soul. It's just something parents made up to scare children, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.
 

Moe: Who'd have thought a whale would be so heavy?
 

[After picking up the phone]
Moe: Moe's Tavern! Hold on, I'll check.
[To the bar]
Moe: Hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells, and I like to kiss my own butt.
[the bar laughs]
Moe: Oh, wait a minute!
 

Ralph Wiggum: Hi Principal Skinner! Hi Super Nintendo Chalmers!
 

Grampa Simpson: I was on the PT-109 with John F. Kennedy. We were the first to discover his horrible secret.
[flashback]
John Kennedy: A um ah, Ich bin ein Berliner.
Grampa Simpson: He's a Nazi, get him!
 

Homer: Oh Bart, don't worry, people die all the time. In fact, you could wake up dead tomorrow!
 

[Reading a sign]
Homer: "Do not touch Willy" Hmm, good advice.
 

Sideshow Bob: You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons, the four years at clown college.
Cecil Terwilliger: I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way.
 

Lisa: Um, do you know what you're doing?
Sideshow Bob: Lisa, you don't spend ten years as a homicidal maniac without learning a *few* things about dynamite.
 

Bart: I smell a museum.
Homer: Yeah, good things don't end with 'eum,' they end with 'mania' or 'teria.'
 

Troy McClure: Welcome to the Knowledgeum, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such automated information kiosks as "Welcome to Springfield Airport" and "Where's Nordstrom?" While you're enjoying our Hall of Wonders, your car unfortunately will be subject to repeated break-ins and...
[Fades]
Homer: What'd he say? What about my car?
 

Duff book of records: Springfield is now the fastest city in the U.S.
Homer: Woo Hoo! In your face Milwaukee!
 

Marge: Homer, we can't take his money!
Homer: Aww, I can't take his money, I can't print my own money, I have to work for my money! Why don't I just lay down and die!
 

Homer: Mmmm... unexplained bacon.
 

Homer: Is there anything you can prescribe, Doctor?
Dr. Hibbert: Fire, and lots of it.
Marge: Oh, that's your cure for everything.
 

Homer: I'm back...
Marge: Did you rent "Waiting to Exhale"?
Homer: [sadly] No... they put me on the "Waiting to Exhale" waiting list, but told me not to hold my breath.
 

Chief Wiggum: Do it for this adorable little puppy. Look at the puppy, Marge.
Marge: That's your hat!
Lou: She's good, chief.
 

[a gay pride parade is marching past the Simpson home]
Gay men: We're here! We're queer! Get used to it!
Lisa: We are used to it! You do this every year!
Gay man: Aww, you take all the fun out of it.
 

Mr. Burns: Smithers do you think you could dig up Al Joleson?
Smithers: Ummm.... Remember we tried that?
Mr. Burns: Oh right, he's dead... and rather pungent. The rest of that night is something I'd like to forget.
 

[Smithers and Mr. Burns at the Casino]
Smithers: Sir, Robert Goulet still hasn't arrived.
Mr. Burns: Very well, begin the thawing of Jim Nabors!
 

[Robert Goulet arrives with Bart at his tree-house Casino]
Robert Goulet: Are you sure this is the Casino? Mr. Burns' Casino? I'd better call my manager....
Nelson Muntz: Your manager says for you to shut up!
Robert Goulet: Vera said that?
 

Homer: But I can't leave the country. What about my wife and kids?
Smithers: That can be shipped.
 

Principal Skinner: Order, order. Do you kids wanna be like the real UN or do you just wanna squabble and waste time?
 

Ralph Wiggum: The doctor said I wouldn't get so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger outta there.
 

Homer: Save me Jeebus!
 

Rev. Lovejoy: No Homer, God didn't burn your house down, but he was working in the hearts of your friends be they Christian, Jew, or... miscellaneous.
Apu: Hindu! There are seven hundred million of us!
Rev. Lovejoy: Aww, that's super!
 

Principal Skinner: Curse the man who discovered helium! Curse Pierre Jules C"sar Janssen!
 

Cartoonist: Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"? Aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important?
[backpedaling]
Cartoonist: Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that.
[pause]
Cartoonist: I'm fired, aren't I?
 

Kent Brockman: The Who will be playing tonight at Springfield's historic Yahoo Search Engine Arena.
 

Mr. Burns: Woah, slow down there maestro. There's a *New* Mexico?
 

Restaurant Owner: C'Mon! You gonna kill him with a pastry? I've seen this man eat a bowl of change!
 

Homer: [drunk] See, the thing about my family is there are five of 'em: Marge, Bart, girl Bart, the one that doesn't talk, and the fat guy. Oh, how I loathe him!
 

Homer: This is it. The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in, I'll have to quit drinking.
Homer's Liver: YAY!!!
Homer: Shut up, liver...
 

[The Simpsons are buying tickets to a PG-13 movie]
Lisa: Mom, why is this movie rated PG-13?
Marge: [Reading pamphlet): It says it may contain brief rudeness, adult explosions, and scenes with Garry Shandling.
 

Chief Wiggum: Slink away boys, slink away.
 

Mel Gibson: I'm too old for this.
Homer: How old are you, anyway?
Mel Gibson: Well, I'm told I can play anyone from 28 to...
Homer: Sorry I asked.
 

Homer: Feeling stupid? I know I am.
 

Bart: I wasn't going to gamble! I just wanted a Bloody Mary.
 

Fidel Castro: Ahhh, the Americans aren't *so* bad, they named a street after me in San Francisco.
[Aide whispers in his ear]
Fidel Castro: It's full of *what*?
 

[Bachman Turner Overdrive is playing at a county fair.]
Bart: Who are those pleasant old men?
Homer: It's BTO! They're Canada's answer to ELP. Their big hit was TCB!
[Bart stares at Homer]
Homer: That's how we talked in the '70s. We didn't have a moment to spare.
 

Bart: [To Mr. Burns, who is going to steal some paintings] Mr. Burns, can you take me with you? I won't eat much and I don't know the difference between right and wrong!
 

[At the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence awards show]
Lisa: This award is the biggest farce I've ever seen.
Bart: What about the Emmys?
Lisa: I stand corrected.
 

Announcer: Now, let's take a look at a young Charles Bronson's brief stint replacing Andy Griffith in "The Andy Griffith Show"
Barney: Where's Otis? He's not in his cell.
Bronson: I shot him.
Barney: Well that's... what?!
Bronson: And now, I'm going down to Emmett's Fix-It Shop.
[cocks gun]
Bronson: To fix Emmett.
["Andy Griffith Show" theme plays]
 

Lionel Hutz: Now, Mrs. Simpson, tell the court in your own words what happened after you and your husband were ejected out of the restaurant.
Marge: Well, we pretty much went straight home.
Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, remember that you are under oath.
Marge: We drove around until three in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.
Lionel Hutz: And when you couldn't find one?
Marge: [crying] We...went...fishing!
Lionel Hutz: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do these sound like the actions of a man whose had ALL he could eat?
[the jury is made up of fat, obese people]
Jury: No, no.
Jury Man: No, that couldn't 've been me!
 

Chief Wiggum: At this time we have no leads but I can safely say that Apu didn't suffer.
Lou: It looks like he suffered to me chief.
Chief Wiggum: Aw jeeze Lou. How long were you planning on letting me drink this stuff?
 

Homer: Wow, it *is* the seventies, right down to the smallest detail!
Marge: Hey, the bartender even looks like John Travolta!
Bartender: Yeah, *looks* like...
 

[Burns and Smither have been watching Bart Simpson's human interest story on ducks. Burns is crying.]
Mr. Burns: Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?
Smithers: There's no maybe about it, Sir.
Mr. Burns: Excellent.
 

Mr. Burns: [crying] Smithers, you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?
Smithers: There's no maybe about it, sir.
Mr. Burns: [still crying] Excellent.
 

[Flanders has been trying to convince Mr. Burns to support recycling.]
Mr. Burns: Yes, well, sounds delightful! I can't wait to start pawing through my garbage like some crotchety old racoon!
[To Smithers]
Mr. Burns: Release the hounds.
[To Flanders]
Mr. Burns: Well, neighbor, I see you have your running shoes on. That's a good thing!
Ned Flanders: Aaahhhh!
[He sees the hounds coming and runs away.]
 

Marge: Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
Homer: Well in that case, He should've made the week an hour longer. Lousy God.
 

Leon Kompowsky: [In Michael Jackson's voice] Hi, I'm Michael Jackson from the Jacksons!!!
Homer: I'm Homer Simpson, from the Simpsons.
 

[Homer and Marge discuss the dangers of a monorail]
Marge: What if something goes wrong?
Homer: Pffft...what if...what I slipped on a bar of soap in the shower?... Oh my god! I'd be killed!
 

Bart: Just so you don't hear any crazy rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.
Homer: Pfff. That's no reason to block the TV.
 

[The Professor Fink theme song]
Professor Frink: Professor Fink, Professor Fink/He'll make you laugh/He'll make you think/He likes to run and then the thing with the... person.
 

Homer: In your face, space coyote!
 

[Bart is faking illness to get out of a test he hasn't prepared for]
Bart: Ohhhh, my ovaries!
 

Barney: [drinking beer from the tap at Moe's] Uh-oh, my heart just stopped!
[pauses]
Barney: Oh, there it goes!
 

[playing a word game]
Bart: Kwijybo. I win, I'm outta here.
Homer: Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere 'til you tell me what a Kwijybo is.
Bart: Kwijybo. A big dumb balding North American ape. With no chin.
Marge: And a short temper.
Homer: I'll show you a big, dumb balding ape!
 

Homer: Just a statue? Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue? Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza just a statue?
 

Homer: Lisa, would you like a donut?
Lisa: No thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit.
 

Rex Banner: Are you the Beer Baron?
Ned Flanders: Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guilt-diddily-ildly as char-didily-arged!
Rex Banner: He's not the Baron, but he sounds drunk. Take him in.
[Lou and Eddie arrest Ned]
 

[At the Kwik-E-Mart]
Dr. Hibbert: [Speaking to Apu] Marge is right, sugar is not only fattening but it's also terribly, terribly addictive.......Uh, is my carton of Pixie Sticks in?
Apu: No, it hasn't come in yet.
Dr. Hibbert: [Pounds his fist on the counter] Dammit! When they come in you call me at this number.
Apu: [Reads the number Dr. Hibbert gives him] 911?
 

Homer: Family meeting! Family meeting!
[the rest of the family runs into the dining room and quickly takes their seats]
Homer: Okay, people, let's keep this short. We all want to get home to our families.
[all laugh]
Homer: All right, first item: I lost our life savings in the stock market. Now let's move on to the real issue: Lisa's hogging of the maple syrup.
Lisa: Well, maybe if Mom didn't make such dry waffles. There, I said it.
Marge: Well, maybe if you'd eat some meat you'd have a natural lubricant.
[gasps and turns to Homer]
Marge: You lost all our money?
Homer: Point of order -- I didn't lose ALL the money. There was enough left for this cowbell.
[rings it softly and the bell breaks apart in his hands]
Homer: Damn you, eBay!
 

[Talking about Agnes Skinner in a low-cut dress]
Abe Simpson: What's keeping that dress on?
Sideshow Mel: The collective will of everyone in this room!
 

Warden: He drew a unicorn in space. I ask ya, what's it breathing?
Homer: Air?
Warden: Ain't no air in space.
Homer: There's an Air & Space Museum...
 

Groundskeeper Willie: All right Skinner, that's the last time you'll slap your Willie around!
 

Homer: Son, If you want something in life you have to work for it, now be quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
 

[Skinner hands Edna Krabappel an ice cream cone]
Mrs. Krabappel: Oh Seymour, you shouldn't have. It's going to go straight to my thighs.
Principal Seymour: Well Edna, it just might have some company.
 

[After days and days on a hunger strike, Homer hallucinates.]
Homer: Hey, who are you?
Ghost: The ghost of César Chávez.
Homer: Why do you look like Cesar Romero?
Ghost: Cause you don't know what César Chávez looks like.
 

Marge: Oh, Homer, don't start stalking people again! It's so illegal! Remember when you were stalking Charles Karault because you thought he dug up your garden?
Homer: Well, something did!
Marge: I don't want you stalking people tonight!
Homer: Alright, fine. I'll be right back. I'm just going outside... to... stalk... Lenny and Carl... D'oh!
 

Homer: The sun? That's the hottest place on Earth.
 

Milhouse: Oh boy, a carnival!
 

Marge: What on earth possessed you to get an earring?
Bart: Milhouse has one.
Marge: If Milhouse jumped off a cliff...
Bart: Milhouse jumped off a cliff?! I'm there!
Homer: Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family and its proud naval tradition.
Bart: Well, I'm keeping this earring and you can't stop me!
Homer: Oh...I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced.
Lisa: Can I?
Homer: No!
 

[Homer and Marge have been called in to the school to talk to Principal Skinner.]
Principal Skinner: Thank you for coming.
Homer: Thank you for getting me out of work.
 

Milhouse: But my mom says I'm cool!
 

Lisa: Bart, this is priceless!
Bart: Priceless like a mother's love, or the good kind?
 

Miss Hoover: Children, I won't be staying long. I just came from the doctor, and I have Lyme disease. Principal Skinner will run the class until a substitute arrives.
Ralph: What's Lyme disease?
Principal Skinner: I'll field that one.
[goes to blackboard]
Principal Skinner: Lyme disease is spread by small parasites called `ticks'.
[writes `TICKS' on blackboard]
Principal Skinner: When a diseased tick attaches itself to you, it begins sucking your blood...
Miss Hoover: [not calmed] Oh...
Principal Skinner: Malignant spirochetes infect your bloodstream, eventually spreading to your spinal fluid and on into the brain.
Miss Hoover: The brain!? Oh, dear God...
Class: Wow!
 

Martin: As your president, I would demand a science-fiction library, featuring an ABC of the genre. Asimov, Bester, Clarke!
Student: What about Ray Bradbury?
Martin: I'm aware of his work...
 

Principal Skinner: Are you the substitute?
Bergstrom: Yessir, yes I aim.
Principal Skinner: Are you insane?
 

[For Show-and-Tell, Bart shows a videotape, titled, `How Kittens are Born: The UGLY story'.]
Bart: Oh look, this is really cool. When I hit reverse, I can make them go back in!
 

[After hearing about mummies.]
Homer: Ooh, pretty creepy. Still, I'd rather have him chasing me than the Wolf Man.
 

Lenny: So then I said to the cop, "No, you're driving under the influence. . .of being a jerk!"
 

Marge Simpson: Homer, did you jimmy open Mr. Burns' liquor cabinet?
Homer: Ooh "Jimmy" is such an ugly word, Marge. Unless you're talking about Jimmy Smits.
 

Mayor Quimby: And now, I'd like to turn things over to our Grand Marshall, Mr. Leonard Nimoy.
Leonard Nimoy: [referring to the monorail] I'd say this vessel could do at least Warp Five.
[crowd laughs]
Mayor Quimby: And let me say, "May the Force be with you!"
Leonard Nimoy: [annoyed] Do you even know who I am?
Mayor Quimby: I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?
 

Moe: Bring us your finest food, stuffed with your second-finest.
Waiter: Very well, the lobster stuffed with tacos.
 

[After Bart turned himself green in a science accident]
Homer: Don't be discouraged, Son, I'm sure Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.
 

[Homer is driving Mayor Quimby's limo.]
Mayor Quimby: Just remember... you represent the office of the mayor. So always comport yourself in a manner befitting - quick! Honk at that broad!
 

[Ned Flanders is having a Family Reunion]
Homer: Hey, Flanders!
Entire Flanders Family: Hiddily-Ho, Neighbourino!
Homer: Shut-up!
Entire Flanders Family: Okily-Dokily!
 

Lisa: All we found were these oozing berries, and they look pretty poisonous.
Ralph Wiggum: I ated the purple berries... oooh, oohh
[falls to ground]
Ralph Wiggum: ooohhh!
Lisa: How are they Ralph? Good?
Ralph Wiggum: They taste like...burning!
 

Bart: Milhouse my mom wears earrings, do you think she is cool?
Milhouse: No I think she is hot! Sorry it just slipped out.
 

Principal Skinner: Hello, Edna. I know we had dinner plans tonight, but instead I'm leaving town forever.
 

Bart: Dad, you killed the zombie Flanders!
Homer: He was a zombie?
 

[A rat steals the key]
Ralph: The pointy kitty took it.
 

[answering a prank phone call from Bart]
Moe: Moe's Tavern...Yeah, just a sec, I'll check.
[calling out]
Moe: Uh, Amanda Hugginkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Hugginkiss! Aw, why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss?
[whole bar bursts into laughter]
Barney: Maybe your standards are too high!
Moe: [into phone] You little SOB! If I ever catch you I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs up your butt!
 

Homer: I can't believe we spent $2,000 on this when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks.
Herb: Homer, would you stop thinking about your ass?!
Homer: I try, but I can't...
 

Bart: Dad, there were things in the letter that had to be said. And I know you, you're an emotional guy, just because you were mad last night, there's no guarantee you'd be mad in the morning, so I figured....
Homer: I'll show you mad in the morning!!!!!
[strangles Bart]
 

Chief Wiggum: Ok all you have to do is record on this tape and get fat Tony to say something incriminating.
[Looks at tape]
Bart: Hootie and the Blowfish?
Chief Wiggum: Hey, it was cheaper than a blank tape.
 

[Discussing Science versus Religion]
Ned Flanders: Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins the movie by telling you how it ends. Well, I say there are some things we don't want to know. Important things!
 

[Bill Clinton is playing the saxophone in a marching parade.]
Moe: Hey Clinton, get back to work!
 

[seeing Bart and Lisa play tennis]
Homer: That's tennis?
Lisa: Yeah.
Homer: So which one is it where the chicks wale on eachother?
Bart: Foxy boxing?
Homer: Yes! That's the one I wanted!
 

[in Homer's dream]
Bart: He thought that trip to the guillotine factory was just for fun, but it was the perfect place to shoot him!
 

[Homer is heading out to participate in Whacking Day.]
Lisa Simpson: Dad, for the last time, please don't lower yourself to the level of the mob!
Homer: Lisa, maybe if I'm part of that mob, I can help steer it in wise directions. Now where's my foam cowboy hat and airhorn?
 

[Barry White is the Guest of Honor on Whacking Day.]
Mayor Quimby: Now I'd like to introduce the Prophet of Love, Larry White.
Barry White: It's Barry White.
Mayor Quimby: No, the card says Larry White.
Barry White: I think I know my own name.
Mayor Quimby: Yeah, well we'll just see about that!
 

Bart: Whacking Day is a sham! It was originally conceived in 1922 as an excuse to beat up on the Irish.
Old Irishman: 'Tis true! I took many a lump, but 'twas all in fun!
 

[At a Cypress Hill Concert]
Bart: What's that smell?
Lisa: It smells like Otto's jacket.
 

Lisa: It was...a vampire!
Homer: Lisa honey, vampires aren't real! There's made up, like elves, goblins, and Eskimos!
 

Lisa: Dad, what would you say if I told you that you can lose weight without dieting?
Homer: I'd say you were a lying scumbag. Why, honey?
 

[responding to sign on Stoner's Pot Place]
Otto Mann: That is flagrant false advertising!
 

[Kim Basinger is working out, Homer is coaching her]
Homer: And stretch! And strain! And hyperextend! Keep those knees rigid! Jerk that lower back!
Kim Basinger: I'm getting some shooting pains in my neck...
Homer: That's right, force it! Whip that neck!
[Alec Baldwin enters the room.]
Alec Baldwin: Does anybody know where this came from?
Homer: Oh, there's that script I wrote! Where did you find it?
Alec Baldwin: It was on my pillow.
Homer: The important thing is, it has the perfect part for you. For either of you! It's about a killer robot driving instructor who travels back in time for some reason. Ron Howard's attached to direct.
Ron Howard: No I'm not.
Homer: Well, he expressed an interest.
Ron Howard: No I didn't!
Homer: Did too!
 

[Getting death threat letters has made Bart paranoid on his way to school.]
Marge: [menacingly, with large scissors] Bart... I'm going to GET you...
[brightly, clipping coupons]
Marge: ...some ice cream at the store since I'm saving so much money on Diet Cola!
[Bart walks down the street.]
Ned Flanders: [menacingly, wearing a Freddy Kreuger razor glove] Say your prayers, Simpson....
[brightly]
Ned Flanders: ...because the schools can't force you like they should!
[to Maude]
Ned Flanders: Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church!
[Bart enters class.]
Edna: [menacingly] You're going to be my murder victim, Bart...
[brightly]
Edna: ...in our school production of Lizzy Borden, starring Martin Prince as Lizzy!
[Martin is wearing a dress and a wig, wielding an axe.]
Martin Prince: Forty whacks with a wet noodle, Bart!

[Bart and Milhouse are watching the original Itchy cartoon]
Milhouse: [reading] "Itchy runs afoul of an Irishman." Watch out, Itchy! He's Irish!
 

Mel Gibson: Come with me to Hollywood.
Homer: You had me at "hello".
Mel Gibson: I didn't say hello.
 

[Otto needs to retake his driving test.]
Bart: I know you can do it, Otto. You're the coolest adult I know.
Otto: Wow! I've never been referred to as an adult before. I've been tried as one.
 

[In the school cafeteria.]
Edna: Seymour, you have to think of the children's future.
Seymour: Oh, Edna! We all know that these children HAVE no future!
[Everyone stops and stares at Seymour.]
Seymour: Prove me wrong children! Prove me wrong!
 

Homer: I feel that if a gun is good enough to protect something as important as a bar, then its good enough to protect my family.
 

Bart: Dad, your half-assed underparenting was a lot funnier than your half-assed overparenting.
Homer: But this time I'm using my whole ass!
 

[After finishing building a church]
Homer: Look at what a wonderful prison we've built for God!
 

[Marge accidentally got breast implants]
Marge Simpson: You can't call breast implants a minor misunderstanding!
Doctor: Look, Mrs. Simpson, if you want, you can come back in 48 hours, and I'll remove them.
Marge Simpson: You better! If not, my husbands gonna come back here, and do some malpractice on your face!
Doctor: Oh, yes, your husband.
[sarcastically]
Doctor: I'm sure he'll be furious.
 

Marge: Every truckload of fish we gut brings us 31 cents closer to those tickets home.
Bart: And I think I've finally found what I was put on this earth to do
[guts some fishes]
Bart: knife goes in, guts come out, knife goes in, guts come out
[pulls out a talking fish]
Fish: Spare my life and I will grant you three --
Bart: [guts the talking fish] Knife goes in, guts come out.
 

[The kids of Springfield are broadcasting adults' secrets, in order to embarrass them]
Lisa: And, by the way, there is somebody in Springfield who's been practicing medicine without a license!
[Dr. Hibbert gulps]
Lisa: That's right. Homer Simpson!
Homer: D'oh!
 

Ralph Wiggum: Well, well, well. If it isn't that stupid cop from TV.
[picks his ear with his gun]
 

Lisa: Mom, what's happening?
Marge: I'm sorry, honey, but we're renting your room to a satellite network until your father can pay for the destruction of a priceless artifact. Boy, I never thought I'd have to say that again.
 

[During the 1960 presidential elections on TV]
JFK: My name's John F. Kennedy and I would like to endorse a great beer named Duff.
[Cheers]
Richard Nixon: My name's Richard Nixon and I would also like to endorse a great beer also called Duff
[Boos]
Homer: The lying jerk. He never had a drop of Duff in his life.
 

[The Simpsons got a automatic house, that does everything for them]
Marge Simpson: Ooh, look, we can choose its personality.
[Clicks on Matthew Perry]
House: Could I BE more of a house?
 

Homer: Ahh, now to spend some quality time away from my family.
 

[Flanders has been transformed into a cow by Hibbert]
Ned Flanders: Oh, I'm not asking much, Homer! I just want you to squeeze my teats and harvest my milk.
 

[The Simpsons watch "Law and Order: Elevator Inspectors Unit"]
 

[Homer is getting stitches in his eyes]
Homer: I hate getting stitches in my eye! Stupid crows!
Dr. Julius Hibbert: Now, don't be mad at the crows, Homer. They weren't trying to blind you, they were just trying to drink your sweet, sweet eye juices.
 

[Homer is surrounded by crows at Moe's Bar]
Moe Szyslak: Alright, get 'em outta here! This ain't no crow-bar. THIS is a crow-bar.
[Moe reaches under the counter and pulls out a portrait of crows sitting at a bar]
Moe Szyslak: See? They got their little stools and everything.
 

[Homer is taunting a shark]
Homer: Come on Sharky! Call yourself the king of the jungle?
 

Homer: I don't see any shirts saying Homer is a dope!
Salesman: They sold out ten minutes ago.
Homer: I'll take one!
 

Lisa: If you believe in angels then why not unicorns or leprechauns?
Kent Brockman: Oh Lisa everyone knows leprechauns are extinct!
 

[Groundskeeper Willy has been turned into an ape]
Dr. Hibbert: Willy, take these folks' luggage.
[to Homer]
Dr. Hibbert: Careful, he might try to gnaw on your crotch.
Homer: Don't worry, I've been around Scotsmen before.
 

Homer: [lying in a hammock, sings] You put the beer in the coconut and drink it all up, you put the beer in the coconut and throw the can away.
[The can hits Flanders on the head]
Ned Flanders: Homer!
Homer sings: You throw the can away.
[Another can hits Ned]
Ned Flanders: I said, Homer!
 

Judge Harm: [a women, to Bart] You remind me of myself...when I was a little boy.
 

Agnes Skinner: Seymour, tell these people we're going ahead of them.
Principal Skinner: I'm not the principal of the line, mother.
Agnes Skinner: And you never will be.
 

[Homer becomes a teacher]
Lisa: So, dad, are you ready to spread knowledge and enlighten minds?
[Homer stares at her, confused]
Homer: That's right, honey. Daddy's a teacher.
 

Ned Flanders: I don't get it, Homer. How do you turn off that voice of reason?
Homer: Who? Lisa?
 

[Every inhabitant of Springfield has been turned into an animal]
Ralph: [feathers pop out of his back] I'm a dog!
 

Sideshow Bob: Homer, how can one man have so many enemies?
Homer: I'm a people person!
 

[Homer is dressed up as a Teletubby]
Homer: Hey, Maggie! I'm daddy, the teletubby! And, I'm all man, in case you heard otherwise.
 

Mark Hamill: Homer, use the for...
Homer: The Force?
Mark Hamill: The forks. Use the forks.
 

Marge Simpson: I can't help but feel this is all my fault. It was those North Korean fortune cookies - they were so insulting. "You are a coward." Nobody wants to hear that after a nice meal!
Homer: Marge, you can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, then move on.
 

Marge Simpson: Bart's grades are up a little this term! But Lisa's are way down.
Homer: Oh, why do we always hae to have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good?
Marge Simpson: We have three kids, Homer.
Homer: Marge, the dog doesn't count as a kid.
Marge Simpson: No, I mean Maggie.
Homer: Oh, yeah.
 

Homer: Mmm, unexplained bacon.
 

Grampa Simpson: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the outhouse.
Marge: We don't have an outhouse.
Homer: My tool shed!
 

[The city of Springfield is having an illegal party in the ocean, about 300 yards from American territorial waters]
Bart: [on megaphone] What are you gonna do now, Coast Guard? Huh? You can't arrest us or do anything to us! Lousy Americans...
Coast Guard: [on megaphone] We can't hear you! Come 300 yards closer!
 

Ned Flanders: Pardon me, neighbourinos. Some of our boys are lost in your town. You wouldn't have happenned to see them, by any chance?
Shelbyville Guy #1: Typical. Springfieldians can't take care of their kids.
Shelbyville Guy #2: Yeah. That's why we beat them at football almost half the time.
 

[Lenny and Carl are meditating]
Lenny: Who... likes... short shorts?
Carl: I... like... short shorts.
 

[Homer is setting up a rocket Bart purchased]
Bart: This is gonna be cool!
Lisa: And also educational! We can learn about science!
Homer: Science!
Bart: Uh...she didn't say 'science', she said.....'pie pants'
Homer: Mmmm...pie pants...
 

Krusty The Clown: Hey yutz! Guns aren't toys --- they're for family protection, hunting dangerous and delicious animals, and keeping the king of England out your face!
 

Homer: They expect me to wait here from 9 to 5? That's... how many hours?
[looks at watch; counts fingers]
Homer: 10, 11,... denominator... Awww where's Lisa when ya need her?
 

[Bart and Lisa both want to go to the Krusty Anniversary Show, and Ralph Wiggum has tickets to take himself and her; his crush]
Lisa: I don't even know if I should go. I don't even like him.
Bart: You're right, Lis. You shouldn't go. I'll go disguised as you.
Lisa: What if he wants to hold hands?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he wants to kiss?
Bart: I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.
Lisa: What if he ---
Bart: [interrupts Lisa] You don't wanna know how far I'll go.
 

Mr. Kidkill: Escort these gentlemen out.
Gay Dressing Room Bodyguard: Avec plaisir.
 

Homer: [runs into church] Sanctuary! Sanctuary!
Rev. Lovejoy: Oh, why did I teach him that word?
 

Street Vendor: And, as choice of drinks, we have Mountain Dew or crab juice.
Homer: EWWWW! I'll take crab juice, of course!
 

Homer: If the Flintstones have taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement.
 

Mr. Burns: Simpson! I've been reviewing your performance record, and it is appalling! It says here that you caused 17 meltdowns!
Bart: I'm not Homer Simpson.
Mr. Burns: I know who Homer Simpson is! Not only that, but you also sold plutonium to the Iraqis... with no mark-up!
 

[Homer donates 10000$ to PBS]
Marge: [to Lisa] From now on, one of us stays home all the time.
Lisa: Agreed.
 

Radio Announcer: So, Monty, tell us when was your first gay experience.
Mr. Burns: Oh, that was when I was 5. My father took me to the park, that was a gay old time.
 

[Barney and Homer are in a helicopter, when they land in the middle of a bridge and stop a beer truck. A six pack falls out]
Homer: You have to do it Barney! You have to save my kids!
Barney: I can't! My nerves are shot!
[grabs six pack]
Barney: Beer!
Homer: [grabs beer] No! I won't let you do it! You have to be sober for this.
[chugs beer]
Barney: You can't drink them all!
Homer: Oh, yeah?
[wrestles rest of six pack from Barney and chugs it]
Homer: I won't let you do this Barney. Not when you've come this far in...
[slurred speech]
Homer: being the greatest pal in the world! I love you! I guess it started at graduation, when I-
[passes out]
Barney: Homer! You brave, brave man. You took 6 silver bullets for me.
Homer: [mumbles] Stay away from my wife!
 

[An outake on the Krusty The Klown Show]
Sideshow Mel: [Drunk] Everyone is always kissing your ass! Well, I'm here to tell you, that you're a
[Beep]
 

Homer: Guys, I'm sorry I got you expelled.
Nerd #1: Don't worry, Homer. We can take care of ourselves.
[the nerds take two steps, and Snake jumps out of the bushes]
Snake: Uhh, wallet inspector.
Nerd #2: Okay. Here you go.
[all nerds hand him their wallets]
Homer: Wait. That wasn't the wallet inspector...
 

[Marge made a disgusting breakfast]
Lisa: [whispers] Dad, I know a way to get out of this.
[out loud]
Lisa: Say, Dad,
[winks]
Lisa: would you like to see my project for the school science fair?
[winks]
Homer: No, Lisa,
[winks]
Homer: but I sure don't want to eat this crappy breakfast.
[winks]
 

Milhouse: I can't go to juvie, they use guys like me as currency!
 

[Homer and Moe are serving on a nuclear sub.]
Homer: Damage report, Mr. Moe.
Moe: Sonar: out. Navigation: out. Radio: out.
Homer: Enough of what's out! What's in?
Moe: Ice-blended moccha drinks and David Schwimmer.
Homer: Yes, he is handsome in an ugly sort of way.
 

Jimbo Jones: Hey look! Milhouse has an earring!
[Everyone on the bus starts chanting Milhouse's name in recognition of his newfound coolness.]
Bart: Hey, if you want cool, check this out. (Singing and dancing) Everybody if you can do the Bart, Man! Shake your body turn it out if you can, can! Do the Bart, Man, yeah!
Ralph Wiggum: That is so 1991.
 

[Bart has had his ear pierced.]
Lisa: An earring, how rebellious! In a conformist sort of way.
 

Homer: But Marge! You being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the woman! And I have no interest in that. Besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.
 

Moe: [dancing on top of the bar] Money gets you one more round, drink it down, you stupid clown. Money gets you one more round, and you're out on your ass!
[falls off bar]
Moe: OW, my back!
 

Lou: [observing some police attack dogs] Boy, they look pretty angry there, Chief.
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, I've been starving them, teasing them, singing really badly off key...
 

Homer: Barney's movie had heart, but Football In The Groin had a football in the groin.
 

[on the phone]
Homer: But Mr. Burns, I can't find you funny anymore.
Mr. Burns: I'll either tickle your ribs or feed them to my dogs! Now we're ordering out, so what would you like on your pizza pie..."Extra cheese!?" Who do you take me for, Lorenzo de Medici!?
 

Homer: Moe, I've got a friend named Joey..Joe Joe Junior...Shabadoo.
Moe: Homer, that's the worst name I've ever heard.
[A man runs out of the bar crying]
Barney: Wait! Joey Joe Joe!
 

Nelson: I feel like such a tool!
 

Lisa: My family never talks about library standards. And every time I try to steer the conversation that way, they make me feel like a nerd.
Comic Book Guy: We are hardly nerds. Would a nerd wear such an irreverent sweatshirt?
[open his jacket to show off his shirt]
Lisa: [reading the shirt] "C:/DOS C:/DOS/RUN RUN/DOS/RUN".
[laughs]
Lisa: Oh, only one person in a million would find that funny.
Professor Frink: Yes, we call that the "Dennis Miller Ratio."
 

Barney: [as Sherry Bobbins is leaving] Bye Superman!
Lisa: Dad, do you think we'll ever see Sherry Bobbins again?
Homer: I'm sure we will, honey!
[She is sucked into a jet engine in the background]
Homer: I'm sure we will.
 

Bart: [In a creepy English accent] Join us tomorrow and everyday until the curfew is lifted as we'll be revealing embarrassing secrets about Springfield's other adults.
Homer: Well, at least they've already done me.
Bart: [In the same accent] And we have plenty more on Homer Simpson.
Homer: D'oh.
 

Mr. Burns: Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence.
 

[Homer is drunk]
Lisa: You saved us, dad! You did it!
Homer: I could do a lot more things if I had some money.
Lisa: Wha?...
 

Lisa: Poor little Maggie... How many mental competency hearings have you been to, in your short life?
 

Marge: Who cut my brakes?!
Homer: Oh, yeah. When I was fixing your car, I kinda spilled all your break liquid. I didn't want to tell you, 'cause I thought you'd get mad.
 

Belle: Are you wearing a grocery bag?
Homer: I have misplaced my pants.
 

Homer: Greetings, friend! Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. Use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay! Eternal happiness is only a dollar away!
 

Homer: This is Homer Simpson, aka Happy Dude. The court is making me call everybody back and apologize for my telemarketing scam. I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, send one dollar to Sorry Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power.
 

Homer: Oh yeah, Marge? I made a dollar!
Marge: While you were out making that dollar, you lost forty. And the plant called and said that if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.
Homer: WOOHOO! Four day weekend!
 

Homer: Badger my ass, its probably just Milhouse.
 

[After seeing Homer with princess Kashmir]
Homer: [To Bart] Why you little!
[Chokes Bart]
Marge: Why you big!
[Chokes Homer]
 

[Homer is sitting at the dinner table in all black with a balaclava on his head]
Marge: Why all the black?
Homer: Why all the pearls? Why all the hair? Why anything?
Lisa: You look a little nervous, Dad.
Homer: No, YOU look a little nervous, Lisa.
Bart: You're up to something, aren't you, Dad?
Homer: NO! I'm just going out now to commit certain deeds.
 

Krusty The Clown: Kids, we're going to the happiest place on earth - Tijuana, Mexico!!
 

Krusty The Clown: And this ends Krusty's non-denominational holiday fun fest. So have a Merry Christmas, a Happy Chanukah, a Krazy Kwanzaa, a Tip Top Tet, and a solemn, eventful Ramadan. Now, over to my god, our sponsors.
 

Krusty The Clown: Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hanta virus?! That came out of left field! So if you're experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box...
[gets interrupted by a newscast]
 

Homer: If you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things!
 

Homer: Who wants to go through that cactus field?
Bart: Me!
Lisa: Me!
Marge: Me!
Sideshow Bob: [Underneath car] Not me.
Homer: Oh well, four against one!
[Drives through cactus field]
 

Chief Wiggum: We have a pursuit of a suspect driving a...car of some sort. Heading in the direction...you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless, I repeat, hatless.
Homer: I can't wait until they throw his hatless butt in jail.
 

Homer: Well, everything ended fine.
Marge: No, it didn't! Bart's dead!
Homer: Saying I'm sorry won't bring him back.
Marge: The gypsy said it would!
Homer: Pff! She's not the boss of me!
 

Kent Brockman: The alien has appeared in the Springfield Forest for the last two Friday nights. Will it appear again this Friday? The entire Channel 6 News Team will be there, except for Bill, the boom mike operator, who's getting fired tomorrow.
[boom mike hits Kent]
Kent Brockman: Very unprofessional, Bill.

Kent Brockman: At the risk of editorializing, these women are guilty, and must be dealt with in a harsh and brutal fashion. Otherwise, their behavior could incite other women leading to anarchy of biblical proportions.
[Pause, pounds desk]
Kent Brockman: It's in "Revelations", people!
 

Kent Brockman: Springfield has been overrun by a strange and almost certainly evil sect, calling themselves The Movementarians. In exchange for your home and all your belongings, the Leader of this way out... and wrong religion, the Leader claims he'll take believeres to the planet, Blisstonia. Excuse my editorial laugh.
[laughs]
Kent Brockman: But...
[pauses]
Kent Brockman: Ladies and gentlemen, I just learned of a new change in management. Welcome, Movementarians! I love you, perfect Leader... and new CEO of KBBL Broadcasting!
 

Ralph Wiggum: [knocks on door] Hi. Can Lisa come out with her hands up?
[waves to cops hiding in bushes]
 

Private detective: Where's principal Skinner's office?
Groundskeeper Willy: Wait a minute! You can't just walk in there!
Private detective: You know, you're the spitting image of the Aberdeen strangler.
Groundskeeper Willy: Carry on.
[leaves, whistling]
 

Moe: Go home, science girl!
Lisa: I am home.
Moe: Good, then stay there!
 

Bart: [reading] Whoa, Dad's been arrested six times! Aww, Mom's only been arrested twice!
 

[Homer watches Tv.]
TV Announcer: Tonight on 'Wings'...enhh, who cares?
 

[Homer, Lenny, Carl and Barney are sitting in Homer's garage, drinking]
Homer: [to Marge] Barkeep! Another beer!
Marge: Wasn't this supposed to be your tavern?
Homer: It's a family place! Right, kids?
Lisa: Can we go to bed now?
 

Groundskeeper Willy: If it was up to me, I'd let you go; but the Gods have a temper, and they've been drinking all day!!
 

Milhouse: I fear to watch, yet I cannot look away.
 

Fat Tony: What's a murder?
 

Homer: Een America, first you get da suger. Den you get de money. Den you get de power. Den you get de weemen.
 

[Otto left his fiancee at the altar because of Marge]
Bart: Say, I got an idea! Why don't you stay with us?
Marge: Bart, remember that talk we had about inviting people to stay with us without asking?
Homer: Marge, remember that talk we had about ruining peoples' weddings?
 

Marge: A woman doctor? Well, now I've seen everything.
 

Marge: Well, I guess it was a pretty funny practical joke. I like the ones where nothing catches on fire.
 

Barney: So, I say, when we die there should be two planets- one for the French and one for the Chinese.
 

Barney: What do you mean I forgot my birthday?! How could I forget-
[chugs a beer glass]
Barney: - my own birthday?!
 

Homer: Careful! These pants cost me 600$!
Moe: 600$?
Homer: Yeah, they're Italian.
Moe: [pulls out shotgun and points it at Homer] All right, hand them over.
Homer: Moe?
Moe: Yeah, I rob now.
 

Social Worker: So, this is your room?
Lisa: Yes. My room is my sanctuary. My family members know that and respect that.
Bart: [runs in] Lisa, I got sprayed by a skunk! Let me rub it off on your sweaters!
Lisa: [takes out stress ball and starts squeezing it] Just ten more years, just ten more years, just ten more years...
 

Homer: I'm gonna come back with the best gift a husband can get a wife- an annulment from my second wife!
 

Abe Simpson: [to Homer] You know, I have a son about your age.
 

[Ginger wakes up next to Abe]
Ginger: Wha?!
Abe Simpson: Good morning, honey!
Ginger: Who are you?
Abe Simpson: I'm your husband! We got married yesterday!
Ginger: But, how? We didn't?... You know. Did we?
Abe Simpson: You know, we almost didn't. But you wouldn't take "I can't" for an answer.
 

Marge: If I had known that there were loose women in Las Vegas, I would've never let you go!
 

Homer: Now, what were we talking about, boy?
Bart: Uhhhh... we were talking about the time you beat jury duty.
Homer: Oh yeah. The trick is to say you're prejudice against all races.
 

Barney: [to Adam West] So long, Superman! Your secret identity is safe with me!
 

[The Red Hot Chili Peppers are performing at Moe's bar]
Bart: Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers, do you want to appear on a Krusty comeback special?
Anthony Kiedis: Sure, kid. If you can get us outta this gig.
Bart: No problemo.
[Bart points to the wall behind Moe]
Bart: Hey Moe, look over there.
Moe: What? What am I looking at?
[Bart and the Red Hot Chili Peppers walk out the door]
Moe: I'm gonna stop looking here in a second. What, is *that* it?
[Homer walks into the bar]
Homer: Hey Moe, can I look too?
Moe: Sure, but it'll cost ya.
Homer: My wallet's in the car!
[He runs outside]
Moe: He is so stupid. And now, back to the wall...
 

Homer: Yep, nobody's more wild and youthful than old man Burns.
 

Snake: I'm gonna win you back, even if it means I got to pistol whip this dude
[Homer]
Snake: all night.
Homer: [scared] Pistol whip?
[imagines himself eating whipped cream from a pistol]
Homer: Hmm, pistol whip...
 

[Homer is strangling Bart because he made a popular cartoon based on him]
Bart: [chokes] There's going to be a movie about you.
Homer: [stops choking Bart] Who's going to play me?
Bart: John Goodman.
Homer: [continues choking Bart] Isn't it obvious it should be Gary Oldman?!
 

Marge: So you're saying that I should bribe Lisa back to Christianity?
Rev. Lovejoy: Sure! You could save a lot more souls with roller-skates and Easy-Bake ovens, than with this
[lifts Bible]
Rev. Lovejoy: 2000 page sleeping pill.
 

[While Moe is away, Homer is in charge of the bar]
Homer: [picks up phone] Hello?
Bart: Hello, is Ali Tabooger there?
Homer: Ooh, Bart! My first prank phone call! What do I do? What do I do?
Bart: Don't panic. Just ask for Ali Tabooger.
Homer: I don't get it.
Bart: Ask for I'll Eat A Booger.
Homer: What's the joke?
Bart: [sighs] Forget it.
[hangs up]
 

Announcer: It's the Krusty Komedy Klassics!
[Krusty runs out on stage]
Krusty The Clown: HEY HEY!
[turns around, notices sign]
Krusty The Clown: KKK? Oh, that's not good!
[audience boos]
 

Krusty's Accountant: So let me get this straight - you took all the money you made franchising your name and bet it AGAINST the Harlem Globetrotters?
Krusty The Clown: But I thought the Generals were due!
[watches the game on TV]
Krusty The Clown: He's spinning the ball on his finger! Just take it! That game is fixed.
 

Homer: Hey, it's the first day of the month! New billboard day!
[drives by, reads first billboard]
Homer: "This year, give her English muffins". Whatever you say, Mr. Billboard!
 

Homer: [in jail; looks out window and sees Moe singing about going to Hawaii] Hawaii? What about Hawaii? Moe, who's going to Hawaii? Am I going to Hawaii?
Chief Wiggum: [bangs on Homer's jail cell] Stop saying "Hawaii" in there!!
 

[At an auction]
Homer: Heh, heh, heh. Watch me burn Flanders.
[picks up sheet]
Homer: Ned Flanders bids 50$.
[evil laugh]
Auctioneer: And the recipient of the 100$ bill is Ned Flanders!
Homer: D'oh!
Ned Flanders: This is going straight to the orphanage.
Homer: D'OH!
 

Ranier Wolfcastle: [to piece of pie] You remember when I said I'll eat you last? I lied!
 

Bart: This is Milhouse. He's my best friend, because... Well, geographical convenience.
 

[Lisa just wakes up after passing out]
Homer: Lisa? Lisa? Are you ok?
Lisa: Ok? I'm great! I'm ready for the gymnastics class, now. Ich bin ein gymnast!
Homer: Awww, she must've dreamt about Hitler, again.
 

[In a Chinese Krusty factory]
Krusty The Clown: Laziness is counter-revolutionary.
 

[In order to go to College, Lisa convinced two College girls that her house is an off-campus dorm]
College Girl #1: Hey, Lisa. Where've you been?
Lisa: In heaven!
College Girl #2: I love her. She's such a free spirit.
College Girl #1: She has to be, where she lives. That place had a Manson Family vibe...
 

Ralph Wiggum: Why do people keep running away from me?
[wets himself and smiles]
 

Marge: [about a gay man] Homer, he prefers the company of men.
Homer: Who doesn't?
 

Marge: Sitting that close to the TV is bad for your health.
Homer: Talking to me while I'm watching TV is bad for your health.
 

Marge: You know, you have to stop drinking?
Cowboy: What do you care?
Marge: I don't know. I just naturally I assumed that it was any of my business.
 

Lead Pirate: And now, back to secret pirate island- Hong Kong.
 

Brazillian Kidnapper: [opens suitcase full of money] Ahh, look at all that pink and purple! Our money sure is gay.
 

[Santa's Little Helper has crawled into the vent at Springfield Elementary.]
Ralph Wiggum: Um, Miss Hoover? There's a dog in the vent.
Miss Hoover: Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside?
Ralph Wiggum: He was going to the bathroom.
 

Homer: Oh man, oh man. We killed Mr Burns! Mr Burns is gonna be so mad!
 

Homer: Hello, Son. I wanna apologize. I got so caught up in trying to encourage you, that I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you come back and play for the team, I promise I'll never encourage you again.
 

Lisa: Why is there no dial tone?
Marge: Your father refuses to pay the bill, so the company cut our phone lines.
Lisa: [sighs] Why must you fight every utility?
Homer: [annoyed] I told you, I have too much free time.
 

[At Moe's]
Lenny: It's a good thing you stopped smoking the magic grass, Homer. You were getting spaced out.
Carl: Yeah, we were planning an intervention, but I got alcohol poisoning that night.
 

Bart: Why would Duff publish a book.
Lisa: It was designed to settle fights in taverns.
Homer: Whoo-hoo! She said "tavern"! I'm going to Moe's!
[runs away and drives off]
Marge: I never agreed to that rule!
 

Moe: Well the only way I can recoop from this is...
[Takes out a can of gas, pours it all over his bar, and throws and lighted match on it]
Carl: Um, aren't you supposed to get insurance first?
Moe: Oh crap.
 

[Lisa is missing a crayon; Homer had a crayon removed from his brain making him smarter]
Marge: [reassuringly] Sweetheart, the missing crayon could be anywhere.
Homer: [crashes through living room window and holds up two fistfuls of tickets] Who wants lottery tickets?!
Marge: [resigned] Okay, it's in his brain.
[leaves]
 

[Homer holds up Lisa to attract a bull]
Homer: Here, Toro! Here's something to gore!
Lisa: DAAAAAAAAAD!!!!!
Homer: Not now, honey. Daddy's busy.
 

[Bart and Milhouse are watching a secret tape of police informants]
Ned Flanders: I really hate to be a snitch.
Chief Wiggum: Don't worry, your yellow-bellied ratting will be held in the strictest confidence.
Ned Flanders: Well, in that case, my neighbor Homer released a radioactive ape into my house. It's, uh, taken over the top floor.
Bart: It wasn't dad's fault. The ape tricked him.
 

Ralph: [after being sprayed by fake blood] I look like cable T.V.!
 

Mr. Burns: Damnit Smithers! This is brain surgery, not rocket science!
 

Manjula: Apu, you have completed the list. You may now move back with your family in your never ending disgrace.
Homer: Wait a minute. You forgot to eat a light bulb.
Apu: Thank you very much, you fat blabbermouth! Sorry, sorry. It's been a rough month.
Homer: [gives him light bulb] Here you go!
[whispers]
Homer: Don't worry. I soaked it in the toilet to soften it up.
 

Professor Frink: Oh, what gave me away? Out of curiosity, was it the "hoyven," or the "maven," or was it the whole guh-HOYVEE! ...thing ...that I do?
 

Homer: Stupid family going to stupid Flanders' stupid barbecue. What if they got back and I was dead from not eating? Then they'd be sorry. They'd say, "Oh no, why did we go to Flanders barbecue? Why did we leave Homer all alone without any food?" And I'd be laughing. Laughing from my grave! Heh heh heh.
 

Fat Tony: Greetings, Homer.
Homer: Hey, Tony. Still with the mafia?
Fat Tony: Uh, yes, thank you for asking. You might remember, a while ago you were done a favor by our...how shall I put this...mafia crime syndicate.
Homer: Oh yeah, that's right?
Fat Tony: Well, I have come to inform you that now it's your turn to do US a favor.
Homer: Wait - you mean the only reason the Mob did me a favor was because they wanted something back in return? Fat Tony! I say good day to you, sir.
Fat Tony: [Ashamed] Okay...I'll go now.
[He leaves the building.]
Fat Tony: Hey...wait a minute!!
 

Homer: Oh, I almost forgot. While I was at the court house, I had them change your name.
Marge: To what?
Homer: Chesty La Rue.
Marge: CHESTY LARUE?
Homer: Just try it for two weeks. If you don't like it, you can be Busty St. Claire.
Marge: I don't want to be Chesty La Rue or Busty St. Claire.
Homer: Fine. Hooty McBoob it is.
Marge: Goodnight, Homer.
Homer: Goodnight, Hooty.
Marge: Give me those.
 

Homer: I'm sorry. I cant come in today. Religious holiday. The feast of... Maximum Occupancy.
 

[Homer is elected union kingpin]
Homer: So what does this job pay?
Carl: Nothing.
Homer: D'oh!
Carl: Unless you're crooked.
Homer: WOOHOO!
 

Quimby's Assisstant: Election in November! Election in November!
Mayor Quimby: AGAIN? This stupid country.
 

Mayor Quimby: Where's that gun-toting maniac when you need him?
Snake: Sorry, I was in the can!
 

Homer: Ahh! A hungry hungry hippo!
 

[Arnie's helicopter goes down during a snowstorm]
Arnie Pie: Mayday, mayday! We're going down! Tell my wife I love-
Kent Brockman: [Chuckles and shuffles papers] That's great, Arnie.
 

[The Simpsons' drywall collapses and Maggie crawls out of it]
Homer: [in baby talk] Maggie! That's where you were, honey! You were hiding in the drywall, yes you were. Daddy's sure happy Social Services didn't see this, yes he is.
 

Bart: Dad, I can't believe you're risking my life to save your own!
Homer: Son, you'll understand one day, when you have kids.
 

Stan Lee: Aren't you the guy who was stalking Lynda Carter?
Comic Book Guy: I believe the term is "courting". The restraining order says "No, no". But, the eyes say "Yes, yes".
 

Kent Brockman: Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all of this squarely on YOU, the viewers!
 

Homer: Here, little fella'.
[Homer pours beer into Linguo's mouth]
Lisa Simpson: Dad! No!
Linguo: Error.
Homer: I'm sorry. I thought he was a party robot.
Lisa Simpson: Oh! This is why I can't have nice things. Grrr... every time I design a robot, somebody comes along and breaks it.
 

Lisa Simpson: Almost done. Just lay still.
Linguo: Lie still.
Lisa Simpson: I knew that. Just testing.
Linguo: Sentence fragment.
Lisa Simpson: Sentence fragment is also a sentence fragment.
[Linguo's eyes move back and forth as it thinks]
Linguo: Must conserve battery powrt.
[Linguo shuts itself down]
 

First mobster: Hey! They's throwin' robots!
Linguo: They are throwing robots.
Second mobster: It's disrespecting us. Shut up a'you face!
Linguo: Shut up your face.
Second mobster: Whatsa' matta you?
First mobster: You ain't so big.
Second mobster: Me an' him are gonna' whack you in the labonza!
Linguo: Mmmm... aah.... bad grammar overload! Error! Error!
[Linguo explodes]
 

Hank Scorpio: By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country? Italy or France?
Homer: France.
[Scorpio adjusts a giant laser cannon pointing towards the sky]
Hank Scorpio: Heh heh heh. Nobody ever says Italy...
 

[Homer's family wants to move back to Springfield, but he likes his new job at Globex]
Homer: We've got it great here! And for the first time in my life I'm actually good at my job! My team is way ahead of the weather machine and germ warfare divisions!
 

[Scorpio has a James Bond-style secret agent strapped to a table with a cutting laser edging up towards him]
Hank Scorpio: Ingenious, isn't it, Mr. Bunt?
 

Marge: I saved these for you, Bart. You'll always have them to remind you of the time when you were the whole world's special little guy.
Bart: Thanks, Mom.
Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.
Homer: [breaks lamp] D'oh!
Bart: Aye Carumba!
Marge: Hmmmmm.
 

Dr. Hibbert: You can't let a single bad experience scare you away from drugs!
 

Mr. Burns: [to Homer] Young man, I'm making you my executive vice president.
Smithers: Sir, I believe that position was informally promised to me.
Mr. Burns: Oh, Smithers... I would have said anything to get your stem cells.
 

[Dr. Nick's commercial]
Dr. Nick: You've tried the best. Now try the rest!
 

Homer: Lisa, why didn't you warn me?! Being a brain has alienated me from all my friends.
Lisa: Dad, as intelligence goes up, happiness often goes down. In fact I made a graph...
[wistfully]
Lisa: I make alot of graphs...
 

Homer: Lisa, why didn't you warn me?! Being a brain has alienated me from all my friends.
Lisa: Dad, as intelligence goes up, happiness often goes down. In fact I made a graph...
[wistfully]
Lisa: I make alot of graphs...
 

[The oil rig Homer's working on has caught on fire]
Homer: Oh no! This is how faceless Joe lost his legs!
 

Marge: I can't even think of how many times your father has done something crazy.
Lisa: WAIT A MINUTE!
[pulls out a timekeeper]
Lisa: Yup, 300 times!
 

Otto: They call 'em "fingers," but I never see 'em fing. Oh wait, there they go.
 

Moe: Oh boy, it looks like it's suicide again for me.
 

[Phone rings]
Chief Wiggum: Heh, yeah, right, lady: An elephant ran through your front yard. Okay.
[Rings again]
Chief Wiggum: Wiggum... Yeah, right, mister, mmhmm. An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. Okay.
[Rings again]
Chief Wiggum: Wiggum... Yeah, right, buddy, liquor store robbery, officer down. Sure. And I'm Edward G. Robinson.
 

L.T Smash: [Watching Bart's Band] Those guys are gonna be huge.
[To Skinner]
L.T Smash: And you tried to get in their way!
Principal Skinner: No I didn't! I even got in early to prepare orange drink.
L.T Smash: Orange drink? What, do you live with your mother?
Principal Skinner: *She* lives with *me*!
 

[In front a "Best Teacher's Award" committee]
Bart: [in a video] This year, I'd like to nominate my teacher- Ms. Krabappel. Shy may not be glamorous or entertaining. She's just a normal teacher who's always there. And, she's never given up on me- Bart Simpson.
[all committee members gasp in horror]
Committee member #1: Bart Simpson?! I thought he was an urban legend!
 

[hardly anyone is in church]
Rev. Love